Post by Alice Wilde on Jul 11, 2005 14:20:44 GMT -5
Hello, everyone. I'll begin this story by first apologizing for the utter cheesiness in some of the scenes, for the eccentric-ness of the format, the length of the story, lack of pictures and for butchering/'summarizing' Part One of The Divine Comedy. Also, there will be some swearing in this episode, which I hope will be divided into four parts. But, will probably not. The transcript below is part one. If you are unfamiliar with the premise of the 'show', I suggest you read the first episode. .
This is a diagram of the vast “E” family
INT.-FOX STUDIOS-DAY
The previously unknown actor JAMES E hosts the show: WORLD’S MOST ODDEST FAMILIES
(NOTE: Grammatical error intended.)
JAMES walks onto the stage, smiling, as an applause track plays in the background. Large TV screens surround him. He looks to the camera, as the entrance music fades.
JAMES
Hello, America. And, welcome to World’s Most Oddest Families. Today we’ll be visiting my favorite family…my own. Yes, yes, I know that you’re probably thinking, “Well, that’s sheer nepotism”. And, you’re probably thinking wrong, because my family is truly deserving of being called one of the oddest-
CAMERAMAN
(V.O)
Most oddest, James.
JAMES
What?
CAMERAMAN
You’re supposed to say ‘most oddest’.
JAMES
But, that would make me sound idiotic.
CAMERAMAN
Well, maybe YOUR FACE sounds idiotic.
JAMES
…I beg your pardon?
CAMERAMAN
Maybe YOUR FACE begs my pardon.
JAMES
Not this again.
One of the TV screens pops on, showing a spectacular castle. It cuts into the family room of the castle. ZOOM IN on TV.
INT.-“E” MANOR FAMILY ROOM-NIGHT
CHARLOTTE, BETSY, J, ALICE, GEORGE, ANTENORA, DANTE, DERIK, AIMEE, KIMIA and AMBER are sitting on a very large couch, looking at one another. ILA and M are both sitting in chairs, their bellies large with child. PANDORA stands in front of them. JAMES is narrating the scene.
JAMES
(speaks quietly in front of the camera)
Hi, everyone. I’m here with the noteworthy, incestuous, and just plain odd “E” family-
CHARLOTTE-aka CHAR
James, dear, what are you doing? Your cousin has some sort of news to announce. Sit down, and tell that camera crew to pay more attention to me.
JAMES
(smiles to the camera)
Hold on a second.
(turns to his mother)
Mom, I’m hosting a show, I need to look professional…
Char ignores her son and mouths “Hi, Mom!” to the camera.
PANDORA
(speaking loudly)
Well, everyone. You remember that woman I have over a lot…Celinra LASTNAMECHANGED, right?
The family nods yes.
PANDORA
Um…it would seem that…I’ve asked her to marry me.
Stunned silence. Her family blinks at her. Then…suddenly…
CHAR hugs her affianced niece.
CHAR
Oh, Pannie, this is so fu*cking CROTCH…Can I be your maid of honor? Or maybe I’ll just help you plan…or something…
ILA
Don’t f*cking say fu*cking to Pandora.
CHAR
Fu*ck you.
KIMIA
Pandora, I’m so happy for you!
BETSY
Pandora…I thought we were married…
PANDORA
We are…it’s just…er…I’m a polygamist?
BETSY
Oh.
(grins)
Neat.
DANTE
I’m not so sure I support polygamy…
ANTENORA, his twin sister, nudges him gently.
ANTENORA
(shyly)
You supported incest quickly enough.
DANTE
…I…That…I’d support a lot of things for you.
KIMIA, the “mother” of DANTE and ANTENORA, bites her lip. She has yet to inform the two that they are, in fact, not twins, or even siblings at all. DANTE was unofficially adopted at the age of two, when his parents left on a trip to America, and never returned.
ANTENORA
Anyway, congratulations, Pan-
CHAR glares at DANTE.
CHAR
(mimics)
“I’m not so sure I support polygamy…”
(mutters)
There’s one for your stupid “Random Fact” Thread.
The room grows quiet.
DANTE’s eyes narrow.
DANTE
I’m sure you know a thing or two about stupid.
ANTENORA
Oh, don’t…
J watches the tension with glowing eyes. She has never really liked her aunt CHAR’s eccentric jokes, and would like to see DANTE tell her off.
J
(to Antenora)
Shh. It’s time they worked this out.
ANTENORA
Oh, but everyone hates these spats-
CHAR
I don’t need your fu*cking opinion.
ANTENORA looks down, wisely.
DANTE
Don’t speak that way to my…Antenora.
CHAR
(laughs)
Your Antenora, huh? She’s our Antenora, too. I can’t say the same for you, though.
KIMIA
Mo- Auntie Char, please don’t…
DANTE
What? What’s she talking about?
CHAR
You’re not even her sibling, so I guess that that makes the coupling of ‘Dantenora’ lose some of its allure…
DANTE
What?
ANTENORA
What?!
CHAR
You know, for ‘intellectuals’, you aren’t very bright. Kimia adopted ‘Dante’ when his parents didn’t come back from some trip fourteen years ago.
The members of the family who didn’t know this secret gasp. J’s mouth falls open. She hadn’t meant to encourage this kind of dispute.
DANTE’s nose trembles slightly. He looks to KIMIA for the truth.
KIMIA sighs feebly, and nods.
KIMIA
…I’m sorry. I would have told you…
DANTE rests his elbow on the arm of the couch, and bites his index finger, breathing deeply.
DANTE
No. No, I’m all right. Just…Could you excuse me for a moment? I need to think…
He heads for the door, and then stops.
DANTE
Antenora…could you please follow me?
ANTENORA glances at the people around her then joins DANTE at the door. Her arm glides to his shoulder as they walk out.
J nervously stumbles to the door after them. She looks back.
J
I…I’ll follow them just in case…something…happens.
She dashes to the hall.
An awkward moment of silence.
GEORGE
Um…congrat…congratulations again, Pandora.
PANDORA is staring at the door, then at CHAR, then KIMIA, and at the door again.
PANDORA
Huh?
She shakes her head.
PANDORA (CONT.)
Oh, yes. I’m having a baby aren’t I?
This is a diagram of the vast “E” family
INT.-FOX STUDIOS-DAY
The previously unknown actor JAMES E hosts the show: WORLD’S MOST ODDEST FAMILIES
(NOTE: Grammatical error intended.)
JAMES walks onto the stage, smiling, as an applause track plays in the background. Large TV screens surround him. He looks to the camera, as the entrance music fades.
JAMES
Hello, America. And, welcome to World’s Most Oddest Families. Today we’ll be visiting my favorite family…my own. Yes, yes, I know that you’re probably thinking, “Well, that’s sheer nepotism”. And, you’re probably thinking wrong, because my family is truly deserving of being called one of the oddest-
CAMERAMAN
(V.O)
Most oddest, James.
JAMES
What?
CAMERAMAN
You’re supposed to say ‘most oddest’.
JAMES
But, that would make me sound idiotic.
CAMERAMAN
Well, maybe YOUR FACE sounds idiotic.
JAMES
…I beg your pardon?
CAMERAMAN
Maybe YOUR FACE begs my pardon.
JAMES
Not this again.
One of the TV screens pops on, showing a spectacular castle. It cuts into the family room of the castle. ZOOM IN on TV.
INT.-“E” MANOR FAMILY ROOM-NIGHT
CHARLOTTE, BETSY, J, ALICE, GEORGE, ANTENORA, DANTE, DERIK, AIMEE, KIMIA and AMBER are sitting on a very large couch, looking at one another. ILA and M are both sitting in chairs, their bellies large with child. PANDORA stands in front of them. JAMES is narrating the scene.
JAMES
(speaks quietly in front of the camera)
Hi, everyone. I’m here with the noteworthy, incestuous, and just plain odd “E” family-
CHARLOTTE-aka CHAR
James, dear, what are you doing? Your cousin has some sort of news to announce. Sit down, and tell that camera crew to pay more attention to me.
JAMES
(smiles to the camera)
Hold on a second.
(turns to his mother)
Mom, I’m hosting a show, I need to look professional…
Char ignores her son and mouths “Hi, Mom!” to the camera.
PANDORA
(speaking loudly)
Well, everyone. You remember that woman I have over a lot…Celinra LASTNAMECHANGED, right?
The family nods yes.
PANDORA
Um…it would seem that…I’ve asked her to marry me.
Stunned silence. Her family blinks at her. Then…suddenly…
CHAR hugs her affianced niece.
CHAR
Oh, Pannie, this is so fu*cking CROTCH…Can I be your maid of honor? Or maybe I’ll just help you plan…or something…
ILA
Don’t f*cking say fu*cking to Pandora.
CHAR
Fu*ck you.
KIMIA
Pandora, I’m so happy for you!
BETSY
Pandora…I thought we were married…
PANDORA
We are…it’s just…er…I’m a polygamist?
BETSY
Oh.
(grins)
Neat.
DANTE
I’m not so sure I support polygamy…
ANTENORA, his twin sister, nudges him gently.
ANTENORA
(shyly)
You supported incest quickly enough.
DANTE
…I…That…I’d support a lot of things for you.
KIMIA, the “mother” of DANTE and ANTENORA, bites her lip. She has yet to inform the two that they are, in fact, not twins, or even siblings at all. DANTE was unofficially adopted at the age of two, when his parents left on a trip to America, and never returned.
ANTENORA
Anyway, congratulations, Pan-
CHAR glares at DANTE.
CHAR
(mimics)
“I’m not so sure I support polygamy…”
(mutters)
There’s one for your stupid “Random Fact” Thread.
The room grows quiet.
DANTE’s eyes narrow.
DANTE
I’m sure you know a thing or two about stupid.
ANTENORA
Oh, don’t…
J watches the tension with glowing eyes. She has never really liked her aunt CHAR’s eccentric jokes, and would like to see DANTE tell her off.
J
(to Antenora)
Shh. It’s time they worked this out.
ANTENORA
Oh, but everyone hates these spats-
CHAR
I don’t need your fu*cking opinion.
ANTENORA looks down, wisely.
DANTE
Don’t speak that way to my…Antenora.
CHAR
(laughs)
Your Antenora, huh? She’s our Antenora, too. I can’t say the same for you, though.
KIMIA
Mo- Auntie Char, please don’t…
DANTE
What? What’s she talking about?
CHAR
You’re not even her sibling, so I guess that that makes the coupling of ‘Dantenora’ lose some of its allure…
DANTE
What?
ANTENORA
What?!
CHAR
You know, for ‘intellectuals’, you aren’t very bright. Kimia adopted ‘Dante’ when his parents didn’t come back from some trip fourteen years ago.
The members of the family who didn’t know this secret gasp. J’s mouth falls open. She hadn’t meant to encourage this kind of dispute.
DANTE’s nose trembles slightly. He looks to KIMIA for the truth.
KIMIA sighs feebly, and nods.
KIMIA
…I’m sorry. I would have told you…
DANTE rests his elbow on the arm of the couch, and bites his index finger, breathing deeply.
DANTE
No. No, I’m all right. Just…Could you excuse me for a moment? I need to think…
He heads for the door, and then stops.
DANTE
Antenora…could you please follow me?
ANTENORA glances at the people around her then joins DANTE at the door. Her arm glides to his shoulder as they walk out.
J nervously stumbles to the door after them. She looks back.
J
I…I’ll follow them just in case…something…happens.
She dashes to the hall.
An awkward moment of silence.
GEORGE
Um…congrat…congratulations again, Pandora.
PANDORA is staring at the door, then at CHAR, then KIMIA, and at the door again.
PANDORA
Huh?
She shakes her head.
PANDORA (CONT.)
Oh, yes. I’m having a baby aren’t I?