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Post by PJ on Dec 11, 2005 23:02:02 GMT -5
Yep, that's right, it's almost here. I'm working on the last Entry at the moment, so bleh. Cast of characters: -Ennui -Amber - Snicketface -Jemima -Orangey Twixet -SetnicK -Pandora -J. -Walter -Captiosus -Dante -Antenora -BSam -Akbar -Celinra and -Robert and -PJ -Dave -The Undead Menace (Note the spacing) Coming Soon Net-Wars II: The Undead Menace Note: You might want to re-read Net-Wars I: The Intelecteers Strike Back before reading the sequel. Prologue comes tonight. May the Code be with you.
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Post by Dante on Dec 12, 2005 4:02:34 GMT -5
At last! It's been too long... *checks the old thread* Half a year, in fact. I look forward to this.
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Post by Ennui on Dec 12, 2005 4:19:09 GMT -5
Me too, PJ. Particularly those wonderful footnotes.
I'm going to re-read Episode I...
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Post by PJ on Dec 12, 2005 5:02:44 GMT -5
“You’re sure you still want to listen?” The old man asked again. “Yes.” The children all said, exasperated. “I had no idea this story was so interesting… let’s see. Ah yes, Episode Two. In this one, Darth PJ, outnumbered and supposedly alone, tries to summon some help, whilst a crazed Intelecteers rampages through the internet, randomly destroying things. Well then, let’s begin, shall we?”
Net-Wars: Episode Two The Undead Menace
Prologue
Deep within the darkest dungeon of the late Emperor Derik’s personal Imperial Cruiser, Amber, a former Intelecteer, lay, bound by Code-spelled chains of the highest quality. Nothing short of the combined Code-force of all the Intelecteers in the Internet could break them. They were, in effect, unbreakable. Or at least, they should be. But one fateful day, when Emperor Derik was banned on a small site known as BSam’s Brewery, a good lot of things happened. One of these things was that these encrypted chains became normal iron ones. Amber felt the wards fall apart and she gave a primitive cry. Her time in the hands of Emperor Derik had changed her drastically. Little of her former personality remained; it had been a change for the worse.
With superhuman strength, beyond even that of even the strongest Code-enforced Intelecteer, she ripped the chains from the wall and stumbled to the iron door of her cell. She hit it with her fist and it crumbled like tin-foil. A surprised guard who had heard the noise was struck so hard in the chest, all of his ribs shattered simultaneously, in a bloody explosion. Amber, who once would have been horrified by the brutal murder she had just committed, didn’t even notice that the man was dead. Her mind had been twisted, almost beyond repair. The guard had been in the way, now he wasn’t. Simple.
Meanwhile, in the ruins of the old site known as 667, Darth PJ was crowned in front of a small group of people; his most trusted generals. These where men, not Viruses. They shared PJ’s dream of total domination of the Internet. To be crowned Emperor in the ashes of 667 Dark Avenue was cruel, even for PJ. But it had a certain symbolism to it.... Darth PJ, too, had changed. Shortly before his master had been banned, PJ had managed to absorb a good deal of his powers in an unnatural leech-like way, so that now he had grown in strength considerably. And he was about to grow even stronger.
As he finally became the Emperor of the Entire Internet, he felt free. Now no-one would laugh at him any more. He was the most deadly man alive. Well…one of them. PJ, with his super-enhanced Code-powers, could now duel any Intelecteer and not lose. This shouldn’t suggest he was stronger than them; Antenora, Ennui and Dante, the “Three” of the Intelecteers, for instance, were seemingly just as strong as he was. But that didn’t matter, because he had a nifty array of evil tricks up his sleeve and a huge army of Viruses at his command.
No, it was BSam who was the problem. BSam had, up until these last few days, been asleep on a tiny little planet. A coma-like sleep. And up until these last few days, Emperor Derik had been the biggest bully in the Net. Now, with BSam on the loose again (curse him!), and Derik banned, PJ was all alone. Together, perhaps, he and his late master might have overcome the drunk, yet entertaining Intelecteer, but they had been taken by surprise. So now PJ was all alone. He would have to go and find an apprentice soon. The life expectancy of the Haxx0rz was quite short, as it were. PJ intended to set the curve for this particular statistic, but he still needed someone to continue the tradition of evil-ness if he died.
But finding an apprentice wasn’t foremost in his mind. No, now that he was Emperor, BSam was the problem. Sure, PJ had an entire library of neat Haxx0r tricks to browse, but BSam was still quite a bit more stronger. But PJ, resourceful (and handsome and intelligent and sexy) as he was, already had a plan in mind. A plan so incredibly skilled, and so incredibly evil, he had burst into maniacal laughter when the first inklings of a plan formed in his mind, causing quite a few of his cleaning staff to think him mad. PJ didn’t mind. Eccentricity was cool, after all. But this had been a really beautiful evil laugh…worthy of the hall of evil laughs. And if the evil laugh was any measure, his evil plan was one heck of an evil plan. BSam would be punished for banning Derik, and all the others would bow before him. He would rule the Internet!
So, when PJ returned to his luxury Battle-Ship of Death, Doom, and several other cool-sounding nouns and found the former Intelecteer Amber (what she was then, even I cannot quite describe) had broken out of her cell, killed a whole bunch of guards and had generally destroyed everything in her way (and then commandeered a smaller spaceship and had flown off), he was not pleased. Partially with himself, for not thinking to check the encrypted chains, and partially with the guards, for being killed. As he was too lazy to try and learn a way to punish the dead, he headed for his huge kitchen, and made himself a snack. And then he went into the library. He had some reading to do. His master hadn’t realised the full-potential of the Haxx0r library; PJ knew that with it he would become the most powerful person EVAR. Besides, he needed Amber for his super-evil plan, and there was no way in hell he was going after her without some cool Haxx0r magic trick. She was a psychotic monster, after all. She would easily be subdued by a few simple parlour tricks.
Edit: Thanks for your confidence in my writing skills, guys.
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Post by Ennui on Dec 12, 2005 5:17:39 GMT -5
Good going. Glad to see poor Amber again...
You should kill a few more of us off this Episode, PJ. I've no objection to falling against a worthy opponent, a category I'm not sure the current Emperor comes under...
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Post by Dante on Dec 12, 2005 5:21:31 GMT -5
Part of the reason this is so entertaining is because, PJ, you take every opportunity to heap praise upon yourself. Anyway, you have me well and truly hooked.
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Post by PJ on Dec 12, 2005 5:50:04 GMT -5
Good going. Glad to see poor Amber again... You should kill a few more of us off this Episode, PJ. I've no objection to falling against a worthy opponent, a category I'm not sure the current Emperor comes under...My thoughts exactly; there are far too many characters to not have some killed off. And only characters of the highest quality meet their ends at my hands, though. I.e. none. ;D Well, maybe one...
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Post by A. the Returned on Dec 12, 2005 6:29:38 GMT -5
Very nice, I can't wait for the rest of the Episode.
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Antenora
Detriment Deleter
Fiendish Philologist
Put down that harpoon gun, in the name of these wonderful birds!
Posts: 15,891
Likes: 113
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Post by Antenora on Dec 12, 2005 7:30:45 GMT -5
Wonderful. It's been a long wait since the last episode, and I look forward to more of this one.
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Post by SF on Dec 12, 2005 8:00:43 GMT -5
Part of the reason this is so entertaining is because, PJ, you take every opportunity to heap praise upon yourself. Anyway, you have me well and truly hooked. Exactly my thoughts, Dante. I can't help but chuckle when he boasts about his intelligence, sexiness, et cetera. Anyway, I like this so far, PJ. I've still been pondering my role in this, and I think my first guess was correct.
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Post by PJ on Dec 13, 2005 0:28:05 GMT -5
Part of the reason this is so entertaining is because, PJ, you take every opportunity to heap praise upon yourself. Anyway, you have me well and truly hooked. Exactly my thoughts, Dante. I can't help but chuckle when he boasts about his intelligence, sexiness, et cetera. Boast? They're facts, m'dear. And don't presume you know your role in all of this.
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Post by PJ on Dec 13, 2005 5:01:32 GMT -5
Here 'tis.
Entry One
Several weeks, and terabytes later.
The Three stood in a very dark and secret chamber, discussing the new Intelecteer Recruiting Plan. The “Three” consisted of Ennui, the blade-master, Antenora, the Code-mistress, and Dante, the all-rounder, who could do both quite well, though his bladework wasn’t as skilled as that of Ennui’s, nor was his Code-power quite as powerful as that of Antenora. He, however, was a better fighter than Antenora by far, and was equally superior to Ennui in all things Code.
They were, also, with the demise of all other authority figures in 667, the leaders of the Intelecteers. Pandora, who had also been a moderator, didn’t really feel like working and taking charge; she preferred fighting the Empire’s forces wherever they may be, was currently on a very special and secret mission, whilst her handicapped friend, Celinra, was fighting the Empire on Ee-Bay. BSam, who was by far the most powerful Intelecteer of them all, also declined the invitation to attend the meeting, saying he had parties to go to, and old friends to meet with. He had, after all, been in a coma-like state for several years. He was regularly seeing a chiropractor in order to work out some of the beer-can sized dents in his back which he had received when he had, one day, fallen off his little bed and kept on sleeping on a veritable mountain of empty and dusty beer cans for several years. Let the “Three” have their little conferences, they had all decided. They made good decisions, and were generally more suited to decreeing things.
The secret* conference wasn’t much of a conference, really, more of a small get-together*, with chips and dip. “Are we all here?” Dante asked solemnly. “Yes. Is the dip here?” Ennui asked, searching around for it. “I brought it.” Antenora said, digging it out of the dark, secretive robes she had worn to this conference.
*It was so secret, in fact, that I am too lazy to even think of some wacky secret name to call it, so you’ll have to do without.
*The three Intelecteers, of course, told everyone that the get-together was a secret conference in which they would decide super-important things that would shape the Internet and do other impressive things. What really happens you will soon discover.
“So, we have gathered here today because J. has found another potential Intelecteer.” The Intelecteers J. and Akbar had been scouring the Internet for new members as part of their new Recruiting Program. So far the two had drummed up four new members, all girls: Setnick, Snicketface, Orangey Twixet and Linda Rahldeen. Setnick, unfortunately, had been killed shortly after she had been found. Emperor PJ had, apparently, tracked her down, and put an end to her. Most regrettable. The three remaining newbs had shown varying levels of skill; Snicketface seemed to be the most promising, she learned very quickly. Linda and Orangey, though, had a slower, but more thorough learning pattern. The Three had taken turns in teaching the newbs the ways of the Code and of the Intelecteers.
“Another one?” Ennui asked, astounded. They had been popping up like mad in the last few weeks. The incident with Setnick had been unfortunate, of course, but still, they had found so many already. The Order was going to be rebuilt in no time at all!
“Yes. Another girl.” Antenora continued. “Another girl? I was hoping for a few lads…are we sure this is entirely safe*?” Ennui said. Dante, meanwhile, was enjoying the chips, having nothing to add.
*The way the Intelecteers and the Haxx0rz works is as follows: The force of Good and the force of Evil is distributed equally amongst the practitioners of the Code. Which meant that as the number of the Intelecteers increased, the goodness amongst them was spread out, so that, eventually, it was much easier for the evil side to corrupt them. A demonstration of this would be 667 Dark Avenue, which, due to its extraordinary size, succumbed to the corruption of a single Haxx0r, sending the entire Internet into chaos. Which is why the Intelecteers were always careful about how many new people they recruited. For the same reason, however, there are only ever one or two or occasionally three Haxx0rz on the loose; the more Haxx0r there are around, the less evil they are, so they, of course, want to concentrate the evil as much as is physically possible. Strangely enough, with the demise of Derik, the entire force of Evil did not work through PJ; he remained as evil as he had been prior to the banning. This will be more deeply explained in one of the later entries, in which the Haxx0r infiltrator will finally be revealed.
“So, who will go and “recruit” her?” The Three had decided to avoid letting the new members meet any other members beside themselves; if they were captured, or were spies, they wouldn’t be able to give PJ as much information. Besides, it was more mysterious that way.
“I’ll go.” Ennui said, after a moment of silence. “It’s my turn, anyways.” Dante and Antenora nodded. Ennui was handed the information on this new recruit. “So…uh, is this it?” Antenora asked after another moment of uncomfortable silence. “It would seem so.” Dante said, and stood up. “I’ll keep the dip, for next time.” Antenora offered, and took the small jar*. They all nodded again. Then they left.
*Dip is an integral part to the Intelecteer Culture. It’s really import. It’s just…uh…it’s a special Intelecteer thing, you wouldn’t understand. No time to explain it, either. I have stuff to do.
So, as Ennui went to recruit the newest found Code-user known as Jemima, Dante went to go and teach the new recruit Linda Rahldeen more about the Code. Bear with me, for not only are both of those happenings far more exiting than they sound, but they also involve fight scenes, and, eventually, murder, not unlike this story as a whole, which ends in pretty much the same way.
Now, if you will forgive me for a moment, I will tell you about something, rather than someone. It is only rarely that something happens to a something, something worth writing about, so here goes:
Not too long ago, during the events that preceded this current story, Darth PJ found himself, quite by accident, in the exact centre of the Internet. The exact middle. And in the exact middle of the Internet, he was witness to a rather strange occurrence; a seemingly innocuous biro pen came into being, and proceeded to bounce off of PJ’s spaceship and then drift away.
Now, you have most likely dismissed this small biro pen as a random occurrence; some pathetic sub-story I have invented to make the actual story more humorous. This is not so. This pen was destined for great things…and it was linked to someone very, very special. In fact, this pen used to belong to the most important person ever. At least, for the Internet. This important person had lost it, and it had promptly and randomly materialised into the exact centre of the universe, after which it would set in motion a series of baffling and entertaining events*.
*See Net-Wars Episode Three.
So, God’s pen went hurtling through space. After a few years of drifting, it came upon a small unnamed generic site, whereupon it hurtled down from the sky, and landed in a rubbish truck, heading straight for the site’s dump, which, every fortnight, was emptied by the Internet-Garbage Men, who dumped the garbage in an empty patch of space.
Here, in the space-dump, the pen floated around for quite some time, several decades, to be relatively exact, bumping into bits of rubbish and so on. Until, one fateful day, it floated right into the “on” button of a super-powered hair-dryer. Due to the vacuum, the random rubbish floating around, and the supernatural and manipulative force of the pen, the super-power of the super-powered hair-dryer created a temporary wormhole in space and time, which lasted significantly less than a millisecond, but was open for just long enough to suck the pen, and quite a bit of garbage into said hole, and distribute them through time and space (causing, as a matter of fact, the first bits of code from a banana peel to appear at the dawn of time, which was what the Internet would eventually grow from).
The other pieces of garbage would cause all sorts of humorous mishaps and have lots of interesting adventures (some would materialise into people, causing them to spontaneously combust, others appeared on random sites, and, due to the different atmosphere, would float around in a rather eerie glowing manner, before disappearing. Scientists have claimed it to be a phenomenon known as “ball lightning”. They are, of course, wrong), but those are for another time, and another place. Actually, I shall tell you the travails of the pen some other time, so as to, for one, build up the suspense, and, as another, to continue with the actual story at hand.
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Post by A. the Returned on Dec 13, 2005 5:31:17 GMT -5
It's good so far. I was disappointed to not see any of the author's notes about how much he liked the entry at the end.
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Post by PJ on Dec 13, 2005 5:43:35 GMT -5
It's good so far. I was disappointed to not see any of the author's notes about how much he liked the entry at the end. Righto, the customer is always right. PJ's Musings: I liked this one. The first half was ok, but I really liked the pen half. The pen pwns. That is all. Oh, and the foreshadowing was also neatly done. Bleh.
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