Post by Alice Wilde on May 6, 2006 23:40:35 GMT -5
The following is a transcript of the events in the home office of one Akbar Le Grey, well-known media mogul of 667 Dark Avenue. It was recorded in an attempt to discover who had been stealing paper clips from his desk. Mr. Le Grey now stands trial for child endangerment, and bigamy, while his first wife, Annelise, stands trial for possession of narcotics without a prescription, pushing said drugs on minors (her children), and also for child endangerment. Both of the Le Grey children, Linda and PJ, are convicted of aggravated assault with a deadly weapon, declaring war on a member of their family, and fraud, as well as excessive sobbing. PJ is currently on trial for gang related activities. The children reside in the 667 County Juvenile Penitentiary and expect to regain feeling in their hands in June.
This tape is considered the greatest evidence against the infamous family. It was presented in court by the lawyers of the prosecution on May 6th, 2006. It was suspected that the lawyers stole the tape from Alice Le Grey, Akbar’s second wife, who counter-sued the state for libel and won. She is currently full owner of the Le Grey estate, though she has stated that she will give it back once her husband, co-wife, and stepchildren come home.
The following has been edited by Mrs. Le Grey the second for interest, length, and clarity. (The original contained 21 pages, typed.) She hopes sincerely that you will still think well of her family after reading. They had the best of intentions.
(FRIDAY 28TH APRIL 2006)
Akbar: My, aren't we up late?
Linda: Yes.
PJ enters the room.
Linda: (glares, speaking softly) PJ...
PJ: Hey.
Linda: (stands up, surveying her brother) We're still in a war, you realize?
Akbar: War?
Linda: (still staring at PJ) Yes, war.
PJ: (dangerously) Are we? It's up to you. I'm fine with you being a LOSER.
Linda: That's it. (pulls out a small knife)
PJ: (looking at the knife, smiling) Oh, that's just not cool. I'm going to have to do something DRASTIC, now.
Linda: (twirls weapon) Fine.
PJ: Just you wait...
PJ leaves.
Akbar: Yeah, mageemonkey!
Linda: (pointing the knife at the doorway) I will wait.
Akbar: Love will come thru, it's just waiting for you...(smiles)
Linda: Huh?
Akbar: Love, PJ, love. Peace, PJ, peace. Make love, not war.
Linda: Father... He's my twin. Twins are supposed to fight
PJ returns, holding a sword.
Akbar: CHILDREN.
Linda: (calmly, unimpressed at PJ’s weapon) Yes?
Akbar: SIT DOWN. WE'RE GOING TO TALK ABOUT THIS.
PJ: (looking at Linda) It's far too late for that, Father. She broke the treaty.
Akbar: FIRST OFF, YOU BOTH NEED TO DOWNLOAD 'ALWAYS LOVE' BY NADA SRUF.
Linda: What treaty are you talking about, PJ?
PJ: (to Akbar) Even if we made up right this instant, I would have to still unleash my attack.
Linda: PJ, I told you this was war.
PJ: The treaty in which you don't harass 12-year-old PJ, and I don't call you a drunk. BUT DRUNK YOU ARE.
Linda: Right after you messed up my computer with your stupid icons.
Akbar: CHILDREN! CHILDREN! OI.
Akbar waves his arms.
Linda: THAT'S AN OLD TREATY. (She goes to stab him, Akbar holds her back. PJ sticks his tongue out, causing her to struggle harder.)
Akbar: Now. Stop. (Linda bites him, he lets go.) Linda! (PJ slaps her) PJ! (Linda stabs PJ in the hand, PJ howls) Dammit, where's your mother when I need her?
PJ: (through gritted teeth, examining the wound. It is only a shallow cut.) It's too late, Father. You can't stop this.
Akbar: PJ!
Linda: (panting, straightening her clothes) And besides, that treaty only applied to the old picture, which I deleted.
Akbar: I AM YOUR FATHER!
Linda: (ignoring him, to PJ) I warned you that if you didn't stop, I'd make a new one.
PJ: (gesturing to her with his stabbed hand) The treaty is broken. Gone. (Blood trails down his arm, he wipes it off with his shirt sleeve, fruitlessly. Sighing, he leaves the room)
Akbar: Where's PJ going?
Linda: (shrugging) He's probably off making a picture of 13-year-old me with a knife in her neck.
Akbar frowns.
Akbar: Why does he have a picture of 13 year old you? (Dawning) Oh, wait, he's your brother...
PJ: (returns with a bandaged hand) No, no, my revenge will be much more DESTRUCTIVED.
Akbar: OI. PJ.
Linda: (mocking) “Just you wait...”
Akbar: WAR IS NO REASON FOR BAD GRAMMAR. IS THIS HOW I BROUGHT YOU UP? (Beat, as he writes on a piece of paper in black marker.) DESTRUCTIVE.
Linda: You didn't bring us up.
Akbar: (waving the paper with DESTRUCTIVE written on it) Yes I did!
Linda: (looking at her brother huddled in a corner) ....PJ?
Akbar looks sad.
PJ: Sorry, I'm working on my destructive come-back.
Akbar: (mutters) I give you kids the best years of my life... (He speaks louder, voice brimming with misery)
Do you know how hard it was for your mum and I? Juggling our journalistic careers and bringing you up at the same time? Your mum sacrificed her column to be home with you. Poor Annelise...
Linda: (angry) What? You don't care about me. Back when PJ kept trying to kill me, you did these little “PJ, be nice to your sister” thing. BUT THEN, when Wasabi sent you that article, THEN you decided to disown PJ. Because preventing a bad article is MUCH more important that preventing a murder.
Akbar: I knew he wouldn't really kill you...
Linda: (accusing) But what if he did? Huh?
Akbar: Bah, it's no use. You teenagers are so temperamental
Linda: WHAT THEN?
Akbar: He'd never do it. (Looking pitifully at his son) Would you, PJ?
Linda: (hands on hips) PJ, wouldn’t you do it?
Akbar: (matter-of-factly) Linda, neither I or Annelise are mean people. We'd never bring him up to do something like that.
Linda: (confused) Wait, is Annelise our mother? I wasn't sure who it was
Akbar: Annelise.
PJ: (speaking suddenly) No, it's Alice.
Linda: (nodding) Because PJ was conceived by both Annelise and Alice...
PJ: (to Linda) No, I was conceived by Annelise and Kimia.
Akbar: Look, I'm telling you, it's Annelise.
Linda: Oh.
Akbar: (grinning) And me!
PJ: Alice, being Akbar's e-wife, is our mother-in-law.
Linda: Stepmother.
Akbar: (bangs head on the desk, and faces PJ, hissing) Stepmother. Not mother-in-law. Did you marry one of her daughters?
PJ: Yeah, Betsy. Or Pandora. Or Derik.
Akbar: Derik?
Linda stabs PJ in his other hand. He screams, the knife juts from his hand oddly.
Akbar: (shocked, angry) OI.
Linda: (points to picture)
Akbar: Linda...GIVE ME THAT KNIFE RIGHT NOW.
Linda: PJ’s got it now...
PJ pulls the knife out of his hand, and throws it at Linda.
Akbar: (quietly, observing them) Hmm, I wonder which of you I'll leave the 667er Group to...
Linda laughs, as PJ disappears through the doorway again.
Akbar: (murmurs) I could just leave it to Alice...
Linda: Where'd PJ go?
PJ re-enters, both hands bandaged.
PJ: (gritting his teeth) I’ve been scheming, you little-
Akbar: (murmurs still) Well, since neither of you want it, it's going to Alice. Yeah... (He waits, expecting his children to say something. They don’t, too busy glaring at each other. Akbar frowns.)
No one cares about the 667er group!
PJ: (snaps out of his staring) Oh, I do. I want it good.
Akbar: (smiles) Well, okay!
Linda: (stops glaring) Huh?
Akbar: Since Linda doesn't want it, it all goes to you, PJ.
PJ: YZAY! (throws hands in the air) Ow...
Linda: (whiny) I never said I didn't want it!
PJ: I was always the faithful child, Father.
Akbar: Everything: the 667er, the 667er Publications, Dupin Animations. And Linda will be under you....
PJ: (to Linda) I never held a knife to your 12-year old throat! So there. I deserve it.
Akbar laughs.
Linda: (protest) But I never assassinated you!
Akbar: She's such a treacherous, ungrateful child... (Akbar pats PJ’s hand)
PJ: (smile)
Linda: I never had sex in the 667er offices!
PJ: (puzzled) Neither did I.
Linda: Don’t lie.
Akbar: See, Linda? That's wot you get for being an ingrate.
Linda: I never called you a loser, PJ. OR MESSED UP YOUR COMPUTER WITH STUPID ICONS. OR TOLD YOU TO KILL YOURSELF. OR MADE YOU DIE IN A 667 STORY.
PJ sniggers.
Linda: (near tears) You laugh now!
PJ: Indeed, I am. I'll also be laughing when my revenge strikes.
Akbar: (Disinterested) Yes, he'll probably be laughing when he fires you.
PJ: (maniacal) It will strike like a satellite laser beam. From nowhere. You'll be sitting there, sipping coffee, when BAM.
Linda beings to cry.
Akbar: Linda, get back to the bottle. I liked you better when you were smashed...
PJ hurries to the liquor cabinet.
Akbar: (raising his finger) Make that whiskey, PJ.
PJ laughs.
Akbar: After all, you know your sister's likes and dislikes...
Linda: (wiping her tears, stand up, boldly)That's it. First you tell us to stop fighting, but then, I get another death sentence from my evil twin, and once again you turn a blind eye
PJ: (laughs harder) Just proves he likes me more.
Linda: (crosses arms) Oh. I see how it is.
Akbar: (slamming his hand down on the desk) What about all the times I turned a blind eye to your alcoholism?
PJ: (to Linda) It must be ‘cause my 667 articles are better than your stupid interview...
Linda: (yelling) But he's not even your real dad. He's mine!
Akbar: (continuing his raving) What about the times you rage around the 667er offices yelling at people? (He lifts his hand from the desk and holds it shoulder level) I've had it up to here with you, Linda Maire Le Grey!
Linda: I was never a crazy drunk!
Silence. PJ stands aside, clutching his hand gently, as Akbar hangs his head. Linda stifles a sob.
Akbar: ....It just hurts sometimes. (Sniffs)
Annelise rushes into the room.
Akbar: (ignoring his wife’s entrance, taking his handkerchief out of his pocket) I work so hard to provide for you kids...
Linda: (angry/crying) Well, don't you think it hurts me?
Akbar: I give you everything you ask for...Annelise! (cries on his first wife’s shoulder)
Annelise: (patting him) What’s all this yelling about?
Linda: (steals her father’s handkerchief) Don't you think it hurts when my twin schemes to kill me, and you don't even care? SOME FATHER YOU ARE! (She blows into it. It is a wet sound, mildly disgusting)
Akbar: (on his wife’s shoulder still. Whispers.) Darling, our daughter's a crazy drunk...
Linda: I’m not crazy!
Akbar: (looks up, moves away from Annelise, firmly) I do care. (His voice cracks) Linda, I care too much.
Linda:
WELL, YOU SURE HAVE A FUNNY WAY OF SHOWING IT.
PJ: PJ’s score: Five million. Linda’s score: Negative infinity.
Linda: (turns) You shut up, PJ. This is between Father and I.
PJ slaps her.
PJ: Tell me to shut up again, and I’ll...
Annelise: (scandalized) PJ!
Akbar: (limply) She's right. (He buries his face in his hands) I'm an awful father.
(Annelise goes to hug her family. Akbar sobs, PJ stands back, Linda pushes her mother away)
Linda: I don't want a group hug!
PJ: (to Akbar) No, you're a wonderful father
Annelise: (to Linda) But, I do...
Akbar: (tonelessly) I never paid attention, I was always too busy wih the potato ing magazine...
PJ: No, Father! It's Linda who's being an evil daughter!
(Linda gasps)
Akbar: (ignores) And then the publishing house...Oh, Linda, I'm sorry!
Linda: (accusing) You were never around!
Akbar embraces her.
Annelise: (under her breath) My God, we're a dysfunctional family...
Linda accepts the hug, tears streaming down her face.
Akbar: (holding his head high) It’s true! I wasn’t there for you...
PJ: (raising his hands in a bandaged shrug) Strangely enough, I turned out fine. Must be because I'm so damn skilled.
Linda: (breaking away from her father) Shut up, PJ...
PJ: What did I say about telling me to shut up? (awkwardly raises fists)
Annelise hugs her children.
Akbar: (hollow) It must have been so hard for you
Linda: (sobbing. God, enough with the sobbing.) Oh, father, it's not your fault! (She points a finger.) It's PJ's!
Akbar: (determined) Well, that's it. I'm selling the 667er Group. To Dupin.
Linda: What? (Surprised) Since when has he wanted it?
Akbar: Since always.
Linda: Well, then why is this the first I’m hearing of it?
Annelise: (at the same time as PJ) I drugged you?
PJ: (at the same time as Annelise) Because it's not true?
They look at each other, quizzically.
Linda: (Sobbing. Again.)
Akbar: (sobs as well)
Annelise: (goes to the cabinet, and takes out pill bottles) Here, this will make it all better...
Akbar: Annelise!
Linda: (voice thick) I don't want any more of your stupid pills. WHAT ARE YOU TRYING TO DO, KILL ME? (waves arms)
Annelise: No, just render you into a stupor.
Linda: (moans) Oh, I have a murderer for a mother...
Akbar: (righteous anger) Have you been giving our children drugs? Come hide behind me, Linda, PJ!
Linda: (hides)
Annelise: (pleading) I'm not a murderer...I’m a mother. PJ...
PJ: (moves behind Akbar) Mum, I want you to know that this is being recorded.
Linda: (thoughtful) You’re right, Mum. You’re not a murder. (Dramatically)You’re a murderess.
The orchestra plays three sinister chords. DUM DUM DUM.
Annelise: (lightly) I'm just in a WacKY mood...
Linda: (hides) Yeah, this is being saved it for sure...
PJ: We can use it as evidence, sis...for when Mum’s on trial. Of course, the tapes will involve Linda, so they’ll probably suck-
Akbar: PJ, don't be mean.
Annelise: PJ, please be a good boy.
Akbar: (smiling at his daughter) Linda's a very successful businesswoman and columnist.
Linda: Yay!
Akbar: (proudly) After me, she's the most powerful person in the 667er Group. I think. No. Wait. (He holds up three fingers, touching them) It's me. (A finger goes down.) Then you (another finger) and George. (the final)
Linda: Oh, that's right, George got promoted.
The business talk bores PJ, causing him to stab Linda in her hand.
Linda: (shrieks) PJ!
Akbar:
PJ, BEHAVE YOURSELF.
PJ: SCREW YOU GUYS. I'M JOINING A BIKEY-GANG AND AM GONNA GO RIDING AROUND THE COUNTRY, VANDALISING STUFF! (rides into the sunset)
Linda: (You guessed it, sobbing) Good riddance.
Akbar: No! COME BACK, SON.
PJ: (comes back, slaps Linda)
Annelise: I told you they were better when they were on the drugs...
Akbar: STOP FIGHTING. BOTH OF YOU. GAH. (He slumps behind his desk) Where did we go wrong, Annelise?
Linda nurses her wound.
Akbar: I mean, we're 667's most powerful family; but the kids don't how to behave...
Annelise: It’s because the nanny dropped them on the head, dear. Remember, we had her fired?
Akbar: (sits upright) Wait a moment. My God. We actually ARE 667's most powerful family.
PJ: (nods) Probably. I guess I’ll have to work on tarnishing that image... (Exeunt)
Linda: Oh, sure, leave your sister to bleed to death! I’m going to fuc-
Akbar: Calm down, Linda. You know we like you more.
Annelise: (eyeroll) Sure, while PJ isn't here.
Akbar: PJ's your mum's favourite. (looks at his watch) Linda, Annelise, we have to start getting ready to launch the 667er Group...
Akbar leaves, absently.
Annelise: Bye, dear.
Linda: (sighing) Oh, God, this hurts really badly. I’m not going to stab him again...
Annelise: (grabs Linda’s wrist, gently) Come on we’d better get you cleaned up... (She looks around the room)
( Pill bottles lay on the floor, half-full. An empty bottle of brandy spins on the desk. There is a large fire outside of the window, probably started by PJ. Knives are stuck into the walls at odd angles. Linda is bleeding.)
Annelise: (murmurs, leading Linda out) And, your father’s office...
The door knob turns suddenly. Akbar’s second wife, Alice, walks into the room, hands full of groceries. The groceries drop as she sees the room.
Annelise: (hesitantly) Oh, hi...Al...
Alice: ...what the fu-
(The tape ends here.)
This tape is considered the greatest evidence against the infamous family. It was presented in court by the lawyers of the prosecution on May 6th, 2006. It was suspected that the lawyers stole the tape from Alice Le Grey, Akbar’s second wife, who counter-sued the state for libel and won. She is currently full owner of the Le Grey estate, though she has stated that she will give it back once her husband, co-wife, and stepchildren come home.
The following has been edited by Mrs. Le Grey the second for interest, length, and clarity. (The original contained 21 pages, typed.) She hopes sincerely that you will still think well of her family after reading. They had the best of intentions.
(FRIDAY 28TH APRIL 2006)
Akbar: My, aren't we up late?
Linda: Yes.
PJ enters the room.
Linda: (glares, speaking softly) PJ...
PJ: Hey.
Linda: (stands up, surveying her brother) We're still in a war, you realize?
Akbar: War?
Linda: (still staring at PJ) Yes, war.
PJ: (dangerously) Are we? It's up to you. I'm fine with you being a LOSER.
Linda: That's it. (pulls out a small knife)
PJ: (looking at the knife, smiling) Oh, that's just not cool. I'm going to have to do something DRASTIC, now.
Linda: (twirls weapon) Fine.
PJ: Just you wait...
PJ leaves.
Akbar: Yeah, mageemonkey!
Linda: (pointing the knife at the doorway) I will wait.
Akbar: Love will come thru, it's just waiting for you...(smiles)
Linda: Huh?
Akbar: Love, PJ, love. Peace, PJ, peace. Make love, not war.
Linda: Father... He's my twin. Twins are supposed to fight
PJ returns, holding a sword.
Akbar: CHILDREN.
Linda: (calmly, unimpressed at PJ’s weapon) Yes?
Akbar: SIT DOWN. WE'RE GOING TO TALK ABOUT THIS.
PJ: (looking at Linda) It's far too late for that, Father. She broke the treaty.
Akbar: FIRST OFF, YOU BOTH NEED TO DOWNLOAD 'ALWAYS LOVE' BY NADA SRUF.
Linda: What treaty are you talking about, PJ?
PJ: (to Akbar) Even if we made up right this instant, I would have to still unleash my attack.
Linda: PJ, I told you this was war.
PJ: The treaty in which you don't harass 12-year-old PJ, and I don't call you a drunk. BUT DRUNK YOU ARE.
Linda: Right after you messed up my computer with your stupid icons.
Akbar: CHILDREN! CHILDREN! OI.
Akbar waves his arms.
Linda: THAT'S AN OLD TREATY. (She goes to stab him, Akbar holds her back. PJ sticks his tongue out, causing her to struggle harder.)
Akbar: Now. Stop. (Linda bites him, he lets go.) Linda! (PJ slaps her) PJ! (Linda stabs PJ in the hand, PJ howls) Dammit, where's your mother when I need her?
PJ: (through gritted teeth, examining the wound. It is only a shallow cut.) It's too late, Father. You can't stop this.
Akbar: PJ!
Linda: (panting, straightening her clothes) And besides, that treaty only applied to the old picture, which I deleted.
Akbar: I AM YOUR FATHER!
Linda: (ignoring him, to PJ) I warned you that if you didn't stop, I'd make a new one.
PJ: (gesturing to her with his stabbed hand) The treaty is broken. Gone. (Blood trails down his arm, he wipes it off with his shirt sleeve, fruitlessly. Sighing, he leaves the room)
Akbar: Where's PJ going?
Linda: (shrugging) He's probably off making a picture of 13-year-old me with a knife in her neck.
Akbar frowns.
Akbar: Why does he have a picture of 13 year old you? (Dawning) Oh, wait, he's your brother...
PJ: (returns with a bandaged hand) No, no, my revenge will be much more DESTRUCTIVED.
Akbar: OI. PJ.
Linda: (mocking) “Just you wait...”
Akbar: WAR IS NO REASON FOR BAD GRAMMAR. IS THIS HOW I BROUGHT YOU UP? (Beat, as he writes on a piece of paper in black marker.) DESTRUCTIVE.
Linda: You didn't bring us up.
Akbar: (waving the paper with DESTRUCTIVE written on it) Yes I did!
Linda: (looking at her brother huddled in a corner) ....PJ?
Akbar looks sad.
PJ: Sorry, I'm working on my destructive come-back.
Akbar: (mutters) I give you kids the best years of my life... (He speaks louder, voice brimming with misery)
Do you know how hard it was for your mum and I? Juggling our journalistic careers and bringing you up at the same time? Your mum sacrificed her column to be home with you. Poor Annelise...
Linda: (angry) What? You don't care about me. Back when PJ kept trying to kill me, you did these little “PJ, be nice to your sister” thing. BUT THEN, when Wasabi sent you that article, THEN you decided to disown PJ. Because preventing a bad article is MUCH more important that preventing a murder.
Akbar: I knew he wouldn't really kill you...
Linda: (accusing) But what if he did? Huh?
Akbar: Bah, it's no use. You teenagers are so temperamental
Linda: WHAT THEN?
Akbar: He'd never do it. (Looking pitifully at his son) Would you, PJ?
Linda: (hands on hips) PJ, wouldn’t you do it?
Akbar: (matter-of-factly) Linda, neither I or Annelise are mean people. We'd never bring him up to do something like that.
Linda: (confused) Wait, is Annelise our mother? I wasn't sure who it was
Akbar: Annelise.
PJ: (speaking suddenly) No, it's Alice.
Linda: (nodding) Because PJ was conceived by both Annelise and Alice...
PJ: (to Linda) No, I was conceived by Annelise and Kimia.
Akbar: Look, I'm telling you, it's Annelise.
Linda: Oh.
Akbar: (grinning) And me!
PJ: Alice, being Akbar's e-wife, is our mother-in-law.
Linda: Stepmother.
Akbar: (bangs head on the desk, and faces PJ, hissing) Stepmother. Not mother-in-law. Did you marry one of her daughters?
PJ: Yeah, Betsy. Or Pandora. Or Derik.
Akbar: Derik?
Linda stabs PJ in his other hand. He screams, the knife juts from his hand oddly.
Akbar: (shocked, angry) OI.
Linda: (points to picture)
Akbar: Linda...GIVE ME THAT KNIFE RIGHT NOW.
Linda: PJ’s got it now...
PJ pulls the knife out of his hand, and throws it at Linda.
Akbar: (quietly, observing them) Hmm, I wonder which of you I'll leave the 667er Group to...
Linda laughs, as PJ disappears through the doorway again.
Akbar: (murmurs) I could just leave it to Alice...
Linda: Where'd PJ go?
PJ re-enters, both hands bandaged.
PJ: (gritting his teeth) I’ve been scheming, you little-
Akbar: (murmurs still) Well, since neither of you want it, it's going to Alice. Yeah... (He waits, expecting his children to say something. They don’t, too busy glaring at each other. Akbar frowns.)
No one cares about the 667er group!
PJ: (snaps out of his staring) Oh, I do. I want it good.
Akbar: (smiles) Well, okay!
Linda: (stops glaring) Huh?
Akbar: Since Linda doesn't want it, it all goes to you, PJ.
PJ: YZAY! (throws hands in the air) Ow...
Linda: (whiny) I never said I didn't want it!
PJ: I was always the faithful child, Father.
Akbar: Everything: the 667er, the 667er Publications, Dupin Animations. And Linda will be under you....
PJ: (to Linda) I never held a knife to your 12-year old throat! So there. I deserve it.
Akbar laughs.
Linda: (protest) But I never assassinated you!
Akbar: She's such a treacherous, ungrateful child... (Akbar pats PJ’s hand)
PJ: (smile)
Linda: I never had sex in the 667er offices!
PJ: (puzzled) Neither did I.
Linda: Don’t lie.
Akbar: See, Linda? That's wot you get for being an ingrate.
Linda: I never called you a loser, PJ. OR MESSED UP YOUR COMPUTER WITH STUPID ICONS. OR TOLD YOU TO KILL YOURSELF. OR MADE YOU DIE IN A 667 STORY.
PJ sniggers.
Linda: (near tears) You laugh now!
PJ: Indeed, I am. I'll also be laughing when my revenge strikes.
Akbar: (Disinterested) Yes, he'll probably be laughing when he fires you.
PJ: (maniacal) It will strike like a satellite laser beam. From nowhere. You'll be sitting there, sipping coffee, when BAM.
Linda beings to cry.
Akbar: Linda, get back to the bottle. I liked you better when you were smashed...
PJ hurries to the liquor cabinet.
Akbar: (raising his finger) Make that whiskey, PJ.
PJ laughs.
Akbar: After all, you know your sister's likes and dislikes...
Linda: (wiping her tears, stand up, boldly)That's it. First you tell us to stop fighting, but then, I get another death sentence from my evil twin, and once again you turn a blind eye
PJ: (laughs harder) Just proves he likes me more.
Linda: (crosses arms) Oh. I see how it is.
Akbar: (slamming his hand down on the desk) What about all the times I turned a blind eye to your alcoholism?
PJ: (to Linda) It must be ‘cause my 667 articles are better than your stupid interview...
Linda: (yelling) But he's not even your real dad. He's mine!
Akbar: (continuing his raving) What about the times you rage around the 667er offices yelling at people? (He lifts his hand from the desk and holds it shoulder level) I've had it up to here with you, Linda Maire Le Grey!
Linda: I was never a crazy drunk!
Silence. PJ stands aside, clutching his hand gently, as Akbar hangs his head. Linda stifles a sob.
Akbar: ....It just hurts sometimes. (Sniffs)
Annelise rushes into the room.
Akbar: (ignoring his wife’s entrance, taking his handkerchief out of his pocket) I work so hard to provide for you kids...
Linda: (angry/crying) Well, don't you think it hurts me?
Akbar: I give you everything you ask for...Annelise! (cries on his first wife’s shoulder)
Annelise: (patting him) What’s all this yelling about?
Linda: (steals her father’s handkerchief) Don't you think it hurts when my twin schemes to kill me, and you don't even care? SOME FATHER YOU ARE! (She blows into it. It is a wet sound, mildly disgusting)
Akbar: (on his wife’s shoulder still. Whispers.) Darling, our daughter's a crazy drunk...
Linda: I’m not crazy!
Akbar: (looks up, moves away from Annelise, firmly) I do care. (His voice cracks) Linda, I care too much.
Linda:
WELL, YOU SURE HAVE A FUNNY WAY OF SHOWING IT.
PJ: PJ’s score: Five million. Linda’s score: Negative infinity.
Linda: (turns) You shut up, PJ. This is between Father and I.
PJ slaps her.
PJ: Tell me to shut up again, and I’ll...
Annelise: (scandalized) PJ!
Akbar: (limply) She's right. (He buries his face in his hands) I'm an awful father.
(Annelise goes to hug her family. Akbar sobs, PJ stands back, Linda pushes her mother away)
Linda: I don't want a group hug!
PJ: (to Akbar) No, you're a wonderful father
Annelise: (to Linda) But, I do...
Akbar: (tonelessly) I never paid attention, I was always too busy wih the potato ing magazine...
PJ: No, Father! It's Linda who's being an evil daughter!
(Linda gasps)
Akbar: (ignores) And then the publishing house...Oh, Linda, I'm sorry!
Linda: (accusing) You were never around!
Akbar embraces her.
Annelise: (under her breath) My God, we're a dysfunctional family...
Linda accepts the hug, tears streaming down her face.
Akbar: (holding his head high) It’s true! I wasn’t there for you...
PJ: (raising his hands in a bandaged shrug) Strangely enough, I turned out fine. Must be because I'm so damn skilled.
Linda: (breaking away from her father) Shut up, PJ...
PJ: What did I say about telling me to shut up? (awkwardly raises fists)
Annelise hugs her children.
Akbar: (hollow) It must have been so hard for you
Linda: (sobbing. God, enough with the sobbing.) Oh, father, it's not your fault! (She points a finger.) It's PJ's!
Akbar: (determined) Well, that's it. I'm selling the 667er Group. To Dupin.
Linda: What? (Surprised) Since when has he wanted it?
Akbar: Since always.
Linda: Well, then why is this the first I’m hearing of it?
Annelise: (at the same time as PJ) I drugged you?
PJ: (at the same time as Annelise) Because it's not true?
They look at each other, quizzically.
Linda: (Sobbing. Again.)
Akbar: (sobs as well)
Annelise: (goes to the cabinet, and takes out pill bottles) Here, this will make it all better...
Akbar: Annelise!
Linda: (voice thick) I don't want any more of your stupid pills. WHAT ARE YOU TRYING TO DO, KILL ME? (waves arms)
Annelise: No, just render you into a stupor.
Linda: (moans) Oh, I have a murderer for a mother...
Akbar: (righteous anger) Have you been giving our children drugs? Come hide behind me, Linda, PJ!
Linda: (hides)
Annelise: (pleading) I'm not a murderer...I’m a mother. PJ...
PJ: (moves behind Akbar) Mum, I want you to know that this is being recorded.
Linda: (thoughtful) You’re right, Mum. You’re not a murder. (Dramatically)You’re a murderess.
The orchestra plays three sinister chords. DUM DUM DUM.
Annelise: (lightly) I'm just in a WacKY mood...
Linda: (hides) Yeah, this is being saved it for sure...
PJ: We can use it as evidence, sis...for when Mum’s on trial. Of course, the tapes will involve Linda, so they’ll probably suck-
Akbar: PJ, don't be mean.
Annelise: PJ, please be a good boy.
Akbar: (smiling at his daughter) Linda's a very successful businesswoman and columnist.
Linda: Yay!
Akbar: (proudly) After me, she's the most powerful person in the 667er Group. I think. No. Wait. (He holds up three fingers, touching them) It's me. (A finger goes down.) Then you (another finger) and George. (the final)
Linda: Oh, that's right, George got promoted.
The business talk bores PJ, causing him to stab Linda in her hand.
Linda: (shrieks) PJ!
Akbar:
PJ, BEHAVE YOURSELF.
PJ: SCREW YOU GUYS. I'M JOINING A BIKEY-GANG AND AM GONNA GO RIDING AROUND THE COUNTRY, VANDALISING STUFF! (rides into the sunset)
Linda: (You guessed it, sobbing) Good riddance.
Akbar: No! COME BACK, SON.
PJ: (comes back, slaps Linda)
Annelise: I told you they were better when they were on the drugs...
Akbar: STOP FIGHTING. BOTH OF YOU. GAH. (He slumps behind his desk) Where did we go wrong, Annelise?
Linda nurses her wound.
Akbar: I mean, we're 667's most powerful family; but the kids don't how to behave...
Annelise: It’s because the nanny dropped them on the head, dear. Remember, we had her fired?
Akbar: (sits upright) Wait a moment. My God. We actually ARE 667's most powerful family.
PJ: (nods) Probably. I guess I’ll have to work on tarnishing that image... (Exeunt)
Linda: Oh, sure, leave your sister to bleed to death! I’m going to fuc-
Akbar: Calm down, Linda. You know we like you more.
Annelise: (eyeroll) Sure, while PJ isn't here.
Akbar: PJ's your mum's favourite. (looks at his watch) Linda, Annelise, we have to start getting ready to launch the 667er Group...
Akbar leaves, absently.
Annelise: Bye, dear.
Linda: (sighing) Oh, God, this hurts really badly. I’m not going to stab him again...
Annelise: (grabs Linda’s wrist, gently) Come on we’d better get you cleaned up... (She looks around the room)
( Pill bottles lay on the floor, half-full. An empty bottle of brandy spins on the desk. There is a large fire outside of the window, probably started by PJ. Knives are stuck into the walls at odd angles. Linda is bleeding.)
Annelise: (murmurs, leading Linda out) And, your father’s office...
The door knob turns suddenly. Akbar’s second wife, Alice, walks into the room, hands full of groceries. The groceries drop as she sees the room.
Annelise: (hesitantly) Oh, hi...Al...
Alice: ...what the fu-
(The tape ends here.)