Post by Alice Wilde on Aug 10, 2006 18:35:28 GMT -5
AKA END OF SUMMER EXTRAVAGANZA
- - - -
Preface
See introduction.
Introduction
So. I have to go back to school on Monday and I’m having a pre-education crisis. I figured the best way to work through my anxiousness was to write a very bad play/screenplay/prose fiction story about my summer vacation. But because I couldn’t decide which, I figured I’d just do all three! After all, I’m on the brink of a nervous break down, and potato it, it’s still summer.
Let’s go out with a bang. R for excessive swearing, sex scenes, gore, drug references, gayness and brief, crude humor.
SCENE ONE
ALICE: monkeyS.
SCENE ONE, TAKE TWO.
ALICE: magee monkeyS.
SCENE ONE, TAKE THREE.
ALICE: GOD DAMN IT-
SCENE ONE, TAKE FOUR.
We sat around the table, like knights waiting for orders from our queen. She had the bearing of royalty, the command, the poise, the ability to send out mass PMs. Maybe she did it all for the love of our constantly absent administrator, Tragedy Tragedy...Maybe she did it for the glory. Either way, when Swans typed some of us leapt up and would give our souls to help her.
“The anniversary of 667.” She said. “It’s gonna be a big year for us...The thirteenth book is coming out in October. This could be our last.”
The words sent a chill down my spine, and though I lacked the courage to say it, I was denial.
“Nuh-uh.” I whispered.
She glared at me, then continued to address the forum. “I’m going to need volunteers for the anniversary bash.”
Akbar stood up. “We could always do an anniversary edition of The 667er.”
“Yeah, we gotta make this year special.” Linda joined him in standing. “Some of us are leaving after the finale.”
“No.” I said, now finding confidence.
Several other people looked at me then suggested ideas for this apocalyptic party, this ‘anniversary celebration’. It wasn’t any cause for celebrating. It was the end of my life...well, not really. It would suck to have nowhere to go for a while, but I had other friends. Still.
“How about an ‘in-auction’?” Skeleton Key asked.
“Trips down memory lane? Like remember there was that one time with all lies and corruption?” twistedbrain shook her head, fondly. “Good times, good times.”
“You weren’t here for that.” PJ said.
“SHUT UP!” I cried. “SHUT UP ALL OF YOU!”
I ran. Ran from that table and never looked back. It had been poisoning me, toxic like cocaine and twice as fun to snort. Encircled my mind until I could think of nothing else. But, no more...alas...no more...
I returned that evening wielding an axe and that’s all I can legally say without my lawyer present.
CUT TO: INT.-667 DARK AVENUE-NIGHT
Enter, J, Shruti.
J: Stephen Colbert’s great, isn’t he?
Shruti: (lovingly) His show is wonderful.
J: He’s so handsome and intelligent.
Shruti: Witty.
Beat. Alice enters, stage left.
Alice: Hey guys, who’re you talking about?
Together: Stephen Tyrone Colbert, god of fake political punditry.
Alice: Colbert...Colbert...where do I know that name? Oh, I’ve written gay porn involving him! Yeah, he was naked and tied to radiator in a hotel room with a Viagra-filled Jon Stewart and some body oil.
J and Shruti look at her in stunned silence.
Shruti: What? Alice, that’s...
J: SHOW ME NOW.
- - - -
CHAPTER TWO-“In which Oscar discovers his homosexuality”
VIVID MUSIC PLAYS IN BACKGROUND. KATE and GEORGE face each other from a deserted, dusty street road. The sun is setting. BOTH are dressed in cowboy boots, hats, and spurs. Guns hang from their belts.
KATE
It looks like it’s just me and you, George.
ANN steps from the shadows of an abandoned bank.
ANN
And I.
KATE
Thanks, dahling.
(Turns back to George)
It looks like it’s just me and I, George.
ANN
And me.
KATE
(turns back to her)
That’s what I said bef-
ANN
I just wanted you to include me, dear.
KATE
I could never not include you...
(Music changes to soft, romantic.)
ANN
Oh, Kate!
KATE
ANNABEL LEE!
They run to embrace each other when...
GEORGE
This forum ain’t big enough for the three of us, pilgrim.
MUSIC STOPS.
KATE and ANN glare, draw their weapons. CUTS of their eyes, Western style. They walk closer to each other, spurs clicking against the dust, tension growing with every step.
Click.
Click.
Click...
Suddenly, some half-dressed screaming India- Native Americans ride into town and kill everyone with tomahawks.
THE END.
...Oh, wait. salsa.
SCENE ONE, TAKE FIVE
ALICE: Why are we still doing takes? I can’t potato ing work like this. Juan, tell Mr. Spies I’m gonna go smoke.
(She walks offset.)
CUT TO: EXT.-667 DARK AVENUE-DAY
“So you think that I could get away with another necrophilian wedding to Mark Twain?” Char asked her group of friends. It was another dull day in the AIM chat rooms, what with all the sex usually not happening during the day. Pandora rested a hand on her shoulder.
“If ‘necrophilian’ is a word, you can get away with anything.”
Elizabeth smiled. “I think it’s just great. Charlotte Elizabeth Twain has a great ring to it.”
Char frowned. “My middle name isn’t Elizabeth.”
“She wasn’t descended from a long line of English queens.” J snorted.
The door swung open and Euro stood in the doorway, panting.
“I’ve got something to say!” She screamed. “BETSY IS A BIG, FAT, STUPID, ZERO FATTY AND I’M LEAVING 667 ‘CAUSE OF SOMETHING THAT ALICE WASN’T ONLINE FOR ANS CAN NOT ACCURATELY WRITE ABOUT.”
She took a deep breath.
Elizabeth walked up to her and slapped her in the face. Euro responded by leaping forward and kicking her opponent in the chest. Elizabeth stumbled, head bouncing. Then she drew a samurai sword from the yellow jumpsuit she just happened to be wearing. Euro produced an eyepatch from her pocket and placed it securely over her eye.
The day just got a lot more interesting.
ACT TWO
Enter Akbar, 667 Dark Avenue forum members.
Akbar: Hey, I’ve got this idea. Mid-week news report. What do you think?
Member: Eh. I’m not too fond of it.
Member #2: Yeah, it does seem a little excessive.
Swans: (nods) Power-hungry. I’ve been getting a lot of complaints about you and the 667er lately, Akbar.
Akbar: ‘Kay, first off: it’s The 667er. Capital ‘T’. And, secondly, WTF?
Swans: Hey. Watch your abbreviations.
Akbar: Oh, I’m so potato ing sorry.
Swans: It’s cool.
Beat.
Swans: Wait. No it isn’t.
Akbar: I’m outta here.
Alice: Don’t leave me.
Akbar: Okay, fine, if you insist.
Mid-week news report: (is published anyway)
This section of the extravaganza: (has no point)
Alice: ‘Cause the REST of it has a point...
Writer!Alice: Hey, you know what? Shut the potato up, monkey.
Alice: You’re the monkey.
(Ironic silence)
Alice: Can we get another take of this?
TAKE TWO
Alice: Oh, potato it, just splice in a meaningless sex scene.
SEX SCENE, TAKE ONE.
PJ
My God, you really ARE a monkey...
(Off camera giggles)
CUT TO: INT.-JERUSALEM/LOCATION OF ‘RELIGIOUS EPIC’ 667fiction-DAY
Stephen Colbert: ‘But, you must understand. Your Guest is the cause of all religious turmoil for the past two millennia.’? What kind of line is that?
Alice: Yeah...uh...
Shruti: Stephen and I get together in the end, right?
Alice: Sure! I...think...
Akbar: Wait. Tragedy wants to kill everyone on 667?
Alice: ...Maybe?
PJ: And Antenora is actually an evil marionette operating under the pseudonym of Beatrice? What sort of fanfiction is this? Where’s the sex, the drugs, the good times?
Alice: Um. I don’t...
Shruti: Well, you’re at least going finish it, right?
Alice: (begins to cry)
CHAPTER SEVEN-“In which Matthew earns his fedora”
FADE IN:
INTENSE VOICEOVER (Hereinafter, VO)
In a world where all the news networks have vanished...
FLASH CLIPS of
BILL O’REILLY
Looks like the liberals have won...the FOX cable channel is off the air for good.
KEITH OLBERMANN
And, this being our final episode, I would like to state that Bill O’Reilly is {CENSORED} piece of {CENSORED}.
ANDERSON COOPER
I guess this is good-bye, America...
VO
...and scandal surrounds the US capital...
CLIPS
LOCAL NEWS ANCHOR
Um, it would appear that the President has initiated a ban on entering or leaving Washington DC.
CO-ANCHOR
So no one can get in or out?
LOCAL NEWS ANCHOR
(sighs)
Yeah, that’s what I just said.
VO
...Men who once made fun of the news now have to report it.
INT.-NEWS DESK
JON STEWART
So, it would appear that the President has finally gone insane.
AUDIENCE gasps.
JON
Oh, come on people, it’s a joke.
CUT TO: INT.-CONFERENCE ROOM
ROB CORRDRY
What are we going to do?
STEPHEN COLBERT
If the public isn’t getting the news, what is there to parody?
JON
No. This isn’t about parody anymore. We have to find out what’s going on.
VO
Action.
(FLASH CLIP of JON involved in high speed chase.)
VO
Adventure.
(SAMANTHA BEE and JASON JONES running from a white building as it explodes)
VO
Romance.
INT-HOTEL ROOM
STEPHEN
(in a bathrobe)
Jon, before we do this, I just want you to know that I don’t want that raise anymore.
JON
So what do you want?
STEPHEN
(Bathrobe drops)
You.
VO
Drama.
INT.-WHITE HOUSE
ANONYMOUS PRESIDENTIAL FIGURE
(holding a gun)
This interview is over.
ROB’s eyes widen.
VO
Featuring George Clooney as Simon the Cameraman.
GEORGE
I can’t get that angle from here!
VO
This summer...
(JOHN HODGEMAN and ED HELMS sneaking down the halls of the White House)
VO
...THE DAILY SHOW WITH JON STEWART is...
(JON, STEPHEN, ROB, SAM, JASON, JOHN and ED standing in front of the newsdesk in dramatic poses)
VO
...LIVE FROM AMERICA.
(Black screen with JULY 2005 in blood red letters)
FADE OUT
“And THAT’S how I spent my summer vacation.” I concluded. “Also, I drank a lot and watched television.”
As the classroom stared and my teacher called the police, a feeling overtook me. A feeling of mixed peace and regret, knowing that I would never look at the calendar again and say ‘salsa, it’s August! I should really finish that Hitler/Noblet slash I’ve been working on!’.
I knew someday I would miss that.
I knew that a part of me already did.
And, when the alarm went off, I knew that I had five minutes to get the hell out of there.
So I jumped through an open window and died.
The end?
- - - - -
- - - -
Preface
See introduction.
Introduction
So. I have to go back to school on Monday and I’m having a pre-education crisis. I figured the best way to work through my anxiousness was to write a very bad play/screenplay/prose fiction story about my summer vacation. But because I couldn’t decide which, I figured I’d just do all three! After all, I’m on the brink of a nervous break down, and potato it, it’s still summer.
Let’s go out with a bang. R for excessive swearing, sex scenes, gore, drug references, gayness and brief, crude humor.
SCENE ONE
ALICE: monkeyS.
SCENE ONE, TAKE TWO.
ALICE: magee monkeyS.
SCENE ONE, TAKE THREE.
ALICE: GOD DAMN IT-
SCENE ONE, TAKE FOUR.
We sat around the table, like knights waiting for orders from our queen. She had the bearing of royalty, the command, the poise, the ability to send out mass PMs. Maybe she did it all for the love of our constantly absent administrator, Tragedy Tragedy...Maybe she did it for the glory. Either way, when Swans typed some of us leapt up and would give our souls to help her.
“The anniversary of 667.” She said. “It’s gonna be a big year for us...The thirteenth book is coming out in October. This could be our last.”
The words sent a chill down my spine, and though I lacked the courage to say it, I was denial.
“Nuh-uh.” I whispered.
She glared at me, then continued to address the forum. “I’m going to need volunteers for the anniversary bash.”
Akbar stood up. “We could always do an anniversary edition of The 667er.”
“Yeah, we gotta make this year special.” Linda joined him in standing. “Some of us are leaving after the finale.”
“No.” I said, now finding confidence.
Several other people looked at me then suggested ideas for this apocalyptic party, this ‘anniversary celebration’. It wasn’t any cause for celebrating. It was the end of my life...well, not really. It would suck to have nowhere to go for a while, but I had other friends. Still.
“How about an ‘in-auction’?” Skeleton Key asked.
“Trips down memory lane? Like remember there was that one time with all lies and corruption?” twistedbrain shook her head, fondly. “Good times, good times.”
“You weren’t here for that.” PJ said.
“SHUT UP!” I cried. “SHUT UP ALL OF YOU!”
I ran. Ran from that table and never looked back. It had been poisoning me, toxic like cocaine and twice as fun to snort. Encircled my mind until I could think of nothing else. But, no more...alas...no more...
I returned that evening wielding an axe and that’s all I can legally say without my lawyer present.
CUT TO: INT.-667 DARK AVENUE-NIGHT
Enter, J, Shruti.
J: Stephen Colbert’s great, isn’t he?
Shruti: (lovingly) His show is wonderful.
J: He’s so handsome and intelligent.
Shruti: Witty.
Beat. Alice enters, stage left.
Alice: Hey guys, who’re you talking about?
Together: Stephen Tyrone Colbert, god of fake political punditry.
Alice: Colbert...Colbert...where do I know that name? Oh, I’ve written gay porn involving him! Yeah, he was naked and tied to radiator in a hotel room with a Viagra-filled Jon Stewart and some body oil.
J and Shruti look at her in stunned silence.
Shruti: What? Alice, that’s...
J: SHOW ME NOW.
- - - -
CHAPTER TWO-“In which Oscar discovers his homosexuality”
VIVID MUSIC PLAYS IN BACKGROUND. KATE and GEORGE face each other from a deserted, dusty street road. The sun is setting. BOTH are dressed in cowboy boots, hats, and spurs. Guns hang from their belts.
KATE
It looks like it’s just me and you, George.
ANN steps from the shadows of an abandoned bank.
ANN
And I.
KATE
Thanks, dahling.
(Turns back to George)
It looks like it’s just me and I, George.
ANN
And me.
KATE
(turns back to her)
That’s what I said bef-
ANN
I just wanted you to include me, dear.
KATE
I could never not include you...
(Music changes to soft, romantic.)
ANN
Oh, Kate!
KATE
ANNABEL LEE!
They run to embrace each other when...
GEORGE
This forum ain’t big enough for the three of us, pilgrim.
MUSIC STOPS.
KATE and ANN glare, draw their weapons. CUTS of their eyes, Western style. They walk closer to each other, spurs clicking against the dust, tension growing with every step.
Click.
Click.
Click...
Suddenly, some half-dressed screaming India- Native Americans ride into town and kill everyone with tomahawks.
THE END.
...Oh, wait. salsa.
SCENE ONE, TAKE FIVE
ALICE: Why are we still doing takes? I can’t potato ing work like this. Juan, tell Mr. Spies I’m gonna go smoke.
(She walks offset.)
CUT TO: EXT.-667 DARK AVENUE-DAY
“So you think that I could get away with another necrophilian wedding to Mark Twain?” Char asked her group of friends. It was another dull day in the AIM chat rooms, what with all the sex usually not happening during the day. Pandora rested a hand on her shoulder.
“If ‘necrophilian’ is a word, you can get away with anything.”
Elizabeth smiled. “I think it’s just great. Charlotte Elizabeth Twain has a great ring to it.”
Char frowned. “My middle name isn’t Elizabeth.”
“She wasn’t descended from a long line of English queens.” J snorted.
The door swung open and Euro stood in the doorway, panting.
“I’ve got something to say!” She screamed. “BETSY IS A BIG, FAT, STUPID, ZERO FATTY AND I’M LEAVING 667 ‘CAUSE OF SOMETHING THAT ALICE WASN’T ONLINE FOR ANS CAN NOT ACCURATELY WRITE ABOUT.”
She took a deep breath.
Elizabeth walked up to her and slapped her in the face. Euro responded by leaping forward and kicking her opponent in the chest. Elizabeth stumbled, head bouncing. Then she drew a samurai sword from the yellow jumpsuit she just happened to be wearing. Euro produced an eyepatch from her pocket and placed it securely over her eye.
The day just got a lot more interesting.
ACT TWO
Enter Akbar, 667 Dark Avenue forum members.
Akbar: Hey, I’ve got this idea. Mid-week news report. What do you think?
Member: Eh. I’m not too fond of it.
Member #2: Yeah, it does seem a little excessive.
Swans: (nods) Power-hungry. I’ve been getting a lot of complaints about you and the 667er lately, Akbar.
Akbar: ‘Kay, first off: it’s The 667er. Capital ‘T’. And, secondly, WTF?
Swans: Hey. Watch your abbreviations.
Akbar: Oh, I’m so potato ing sorry.
Swans: It’s cool.
Beat.
Swans: Wait. No it isn’t.
Akbar: I’m outta here.
Alice: Don’t leave me.
Akbar: Okay, fine, if you insist.
Mid-week news report: (is published anyway)
This section of the extravaganza: (has no point)
Alice: ‘Cause the REST of it has a point...
Writer!Alice: Hey, you know what? Shut the potato up, monkey.
Alice: You’re the monkey.
(Ironic silence)
Alice: Can we get another take of this?
TAKE TWO
Alice: Oh, potato it, just splice in a meaningless sex scene.
SEX SCENE, TAKE ONE.
PJ
My God, you really ARE a monkey...
(Off camera giggles)
CUT TO: INT.-JERUSALEM/LOCATION OF ‘RELIGIOUS EPIC’ 667fiction-DAY
Stephen Colbert: ‘But, you must understand. Your Guest is the cause of all religious turmoil for the past two millennia.’? What kind of line is that?
Alice: Yeah...uh...
Shruti: Stephen and I get together in the end, right?
Alice: Sure! I...think...
Akbar: Wait. Tragedy wants to kill everyone on 667?
Alice: ...Maybe?
PJ: And Antenora is actually an evil marionette operating under the pseudonym of Beatrice? What sort of fanfiction is this? Where’s the sex, the drugs, the good times?
Alice: Um. I don’t...
Shruti: Well, you’re at least going finish it, right?
Alice: (begins to cry)
CHAPTER SEVEN-“In which Matthew earns his fedora”
FADE IN:
INTENSE VOICEOVER (Hereinafter, VO)
In a world where all the news networks have vanished...
FLASH CLIPS of
BILL O’REILLY
Looks like the liberals have won...the FOX cable channel is off the air for good.
KEITH OLBERMANN
And, this being our final episode, I would like to state that Bill O’Reilly is {CENSORED} piece of {CENSORED}.
ANDERSON COOPER
I guess this is good-bye, America...
VO
...and scandal surrounds the US capital...
CLIPS
LOCAL NEWS ANCHOR
Um, it would appear that the President has initiated a ban on entering or leaving Washington DC.
CO-ANCHOR
So no one can get in or out?
LOCAL NEWS ANCHOR
(sighs)
Yeah, that’s what I just said.
VO
...Men who once made fun of the news now have to report it.
INT.-NEWS DESK
JON STEWART
So, it would appear that the President has finally gone insane.
AUDIENCE gasps.
JON
Oh, come on people, it’s a joke.
CUT TO: INT.-CONFERENCE ROOM
ROB CORRDRY
What are we going to do?
STEPHEN COLBERT
If the public isn’t getting the news, what is there to parody?
JON
No. This isn’t about parody anymore. We have to find out what’s going on.
VO
Action.
(FLASH CLIP of JON involved in high speed chase.)
VO
Adventure.
(SAMANTHA BEE and JASON JONES running from a white building as it explodes)
VO
Romance.
INT-HOTEL ROOM
STEPHEN
(in a bathrobe)
Jon, before we do this, I just want you to know that I don’t want that raise anymore.
JON
So what do you want?
STEPHEN
(Bathrobe drops)
You.
VO
Drama.
INT.-WHITE HOUSE
ANONYMOUS PRESIDENTIAL FIGURE
(holding a gun)
This interview is over.
ROB’s eyes widen.
VO
Featuring George Clooney as Simon the Cameraman.
GEORGE
I can’t get that angle from here!
VO
This summer...
(JOHN HODGEMAN and ED HELMS sneaking down the halls of the White House)
VO
...THE DAILY SHOW WITH JON STEWART is...
(JON, STEPHEN, ROB, SAM, JASON, JOHN and ED standing in front of the newsdesk in dramatic poses)
VO
...LIVE FROM AMERICA.
(Black screen with JULY 2005 in blood red letters)
FADE OUT
“And THAT’S how I spent my summer vacation.” I concluded. “Also, I drank a lot and watched television.”
As the classroom stared and my teacher called the police, a feeling overtook me. A feeling of mixed peace and regret, knowing that I would never look at the calendar again and say ‘salsa, it’s August! I should really finish that Hitler/Noblet slash I’ve been working on!’.
I knew someday I would miss that.
I knew that a part of me already did.
And, when the alarm went off, I knew that I had five minutes to get the hell out of there.
So I jumped through an open window and died.
The end?
- - - - -