Post by All Due Respect on Nov 3, 2006 21:41:11 GMT -5
Lyrics from The Tragic Treasury’s accompanying book and their corresponding illustrations. Note that these lyrics do not necessarily represent the exact lyrics of each song.
1. Scream and Run Away
The count has an eye on his ankle
and lives in a horrible place
He wants all your money
He’s never at all funny
He wants to remove your face
And you might be thinking, What a romp this is!
but wait till you meet his accomplices
When you see Count Olaf you’re suddenly full of
disgust and despair and dismay
In the whole of the soul of Count Olaf there’s no love
When you see Count Olaf, count to zero;
then, scream and run away
Scream, scream, scream and run away
Run, run, run, run, run, run, run
or die, die, die, die, die, die, die, die
Run, run, run, run, run, run, run, run
or die, die, die, die, die, die, die, die, die, die, die
Two women with powdered white faces
and one long-nosed bald man with warts
Things worsen and worsen
There’s a hook-handed person
and others with nastier parts
This evil and unpleasant group
completes Count Olaf’s acting troupe
The goal of Count Olaf is getting control of
the fortunes or urchins and orphans, hooray!
I mean, horrors! Count Olaf is no laughing matter
When you see Count Olaf, count to zero;
Then scream and run away…
[TBB Chapter Twelve]
2. In the Reptile Room
In the reptile room, where the baby screams
weirder creatures loom than in all of your dreams
In the reptile room, hither and thither,
creatures from Khartoum slither anywhither
In the reptile room anacondas dance
Will they be our doom? Will we be their bon-bons?
And you wanna know, wanna know, wanna know,
why I frown
Well, I’m smiling, I’m just smiling upside down
In the reptile room there’s an evil man
in a strange costume; do not ride in his van
In the reptile room are pythons at play
in the murky gloom; what a horrible day!
[TRR Chapter Three (mirrored vertically, rotated 90 degrees clockwise)]
3. The World Is a Very Scary Place
The world is a very scary place, my dear
It’s hurled and it’s twirled through outer space, I fear
So many ways to lose your skin in it
The number of ways to die is infinite
The world is a very scary thing, I find
It’s curled all my toes and it’s curling my mind
When I was young my study was candies
but they attract tarantulas and bees
Some people act as if there were nothing wrong,
due to the fact they haven’t heard this song
[TWW Chapter Twelve]
The world is a very scary place to go
It’s whorled and it’s swirled with death like lace, you know
You may have found my views unorthodox
but now the wolf is at the door; it knocks.
4. Dreary, Dreary
Gone, gone, the girl in brocade
Gone the words we might have said
Howl, winds, because she is dead
and gone, gone, gone
Were teary, teary eyes once bright?
Weary sighs the tune
Dreary, dreary fall the night
and eerie light of the moon
Gone, gone, my Beatrice
Gone the lips I longed to kiss
into a black and bleak abyss
Gone, gone, gone
(Gone are the summers of croquet and cribbage)
Were teary, teary eyes once bright?
[TMM Chapter Four]
(Gone gone,)
Weary sighs the tune
(are the winters of)
Dreary, dreary fall the night
(snow,)
and eerie light of the moon
(sighs and secrets.)
Were teary, teary eyes once bright?
(Gone too,)
Weary sighs the tune
(silver springs, golden)
Dreary, dreary fall the night
(falls.)
and eerie light of the moon.
5. When You Play the Violin
I have known little civility, sir—
few have been kind, fewer truthful—
and, though within my ability, sir
I remain dutifully youthful,
I go gray, then bald, with chagrin
when you play the violin
How I pray for death to begin
when you play the violin
True, there’s been trouble and trickery, sir,
trembling and tribulations;
twitches from switches of hickory, sir,
you, sir, and your usurpations;
but my patience wears very thin
when you play the violin
How I stay I can’t imagine
when you play the violin
I’ve endured struggling and thuggery, sir,
physical ed and psychosis,
sculleries, skulls and skullduggery, sir
haplessness, hype and hypnosis
but oy vey! the horrible din
when you play the violin
You betray an ear made of tin
when you play—when you slay—the violin!
[TAA Chapter Two (reflected horizontally)]
6. This Abyss
This abyss, this lightless void
This abyss of world destroyed
This abyss, all deep, all wide
This abyss of Being denied
Even in the darkest forest
fireflies are flickering… but not in
this abyss of black increase
This abyss without surcease
Even in the deepest ocean
is a little moonlight… but not in
this abyss of night unbound;
This abyss without a sound
Even in your bedroom shadows
there is something moving… but not in
this abyss, this all-below
This abyss; this death, this “no”.
[TEE Chapter Two (rotated 90 degrees clockwise)]
7. Crows
It gets dark around here early
because of all the crows
What they want and where they came from
no one really knows
Crows are sour and surly
with reason I suppose
There are crows, crows in the trees
saying crow things, doing as they please
There are crows, crows everywhere
but when I think of you, dear, I don’t care
[TVV Chapter Eight (reflected vertically)]
It gets light around here slowly
because of how it goes
Everyday we hear the same dumb
list of those crows’ woes
Thinking they’re so holy
while leaving mementoes…
I don’t care
because I know you love me
unlike all the crows lurking above me…
[TVV Chapter Two]
8. Smile! No One Cares How You Feel
Smile!
No one cares how you feel
Be vicious, vain and vile
Everything’s yours to steal
if you’ll just
smile
Have you no dignity?
Have you no sense of style?
You’ll never be pretty
until you smile
Smile!
No one cares how you feel
There’s a world to beguile
You can make this world kneel
if you’ll just
smile
Always the best disguise
A license to defile
Everyone you despise
will die, so
smile.
[THH Chapter Three]
9. Freakshow
People gawk at the way you walk,
you’re a freakshow
People squawk ‘bout the way you talk,
you’re a freakshow
People stare at your scary hair,
you’re a freakshow
People glare at that hat you wear
you’re a freakshow
[TCC Chapter Three]
Real people want to know
what it is about your face that irritates them so
Reap people stop and ask
why you wear that costume, and why don’t you wear a mask
Normal folk think you’re just a joke
and a freakshow
Normal types cross the street for swipes
at the freakshow
Even birds stop to drop their turds
on the freakshow
Even geeks, even other freaks
hate the freakshow
Real people fume and seethe
how you dare to share the public has to breathe
Real people ask you why,
with a face like you’ve got, won’t you just lie down and…
Real people look on you
like something unpleasant for the garbage crew to do
Real people question how
someone took a lobster’s face and
put it on a cow
Real people say har, har,
as a monster movie actor you could be a star
and soon… you are!
[TCC Chapter Two]
10. How Do You Slow This Thing Down?
How do you slow this thing down?
How do you make this thing slow down?
We tried to brake
by saying, “Must be some mistake”
Problem unsolved,
we said, “Don’t make me get involved”
We tried to slow
it down by shrieking, “No, no, no”
We tried to halt
by whimpering, “It’s not my fault”
It’s not fair,
we’ve tried all kinds of prayer
We tried science
It sped up in defiance
[TSS Chapter Seven (reflected horizontally, rotated 45 degrees clockwise)]
11. A Million Mushrooms
A million mushrooms fill the field
where marchers’ bodies lately fell
More marchers, marching heavy-heeled
release more spores, that march as well
across the twilit charnel ground
and over long-bewildered farms,
through palaces where not a sound
is heard, though there should be alarms
But winter comes, and only ice
is crushed beneath the marching feet
In all the land, where once was rice
there now is nothing fit to eat
except mushrooms, which nourish not
the body, nourish not the mind,
and often poison. Eating rot,
the marchers march, insane and blind.
[TRR Chapter Five]
12. Things Are Not What They Appear
Things are not what they appear
starting with a mother’s love
When a helping hand comes near
it becomes an empty glove
Things are not what they appear
starting with your hopes and dreams
Just one thing in life is clear:
nothing’s ever what it seems
[TPP Chapter Eleven]
Even babies lie
and the stars don’t cry
Nothing’s ever what it seems
People lie from ear to ear
just to help their little teams
which are not what they appear
We are wrong to begin with,
even if we were sincere
Truth is just a useful myth
Things are not what they appear
Even babies steal
and the stars don’t squeal…
Even babies kill
and the stars are still.
[TPP Not A Chapter (left-hand image) / TPP Also Not A Chapter (central image)]
13. Shipwrecked
I can’t think of a single thing I’d rather do
than be cast away on an island with you
No, I can’t think of anything more heavenly
than to have you shipwrecked on a tropical island with me
Shipwrecked with you
Shipwrecked with you
I can’t think of a single thing I’d rather do
than be cast away on an island with you
Far from distractions and matters of state,
we can quit smoking and quickly lose weight,
sleeping till noon and then staying up late,
at latitude zero and longitude eight
[The End Chapter Two]
I am a gentleman: should you get hurt,
I’ll make a tourniquet out of my shirt
You needn’t do much, just sit there and flirt,
and if it looks drizzly, I’ll build us a yurt
I can’t think of a single thing I’d rather do,
and that’s why I had to get rid of the crew
So I lopped off their heads and dropped them in the sea
just to have you shipwrecked on a tropical island with me
Shipwrecked with you
Shipwrecked with you
I can’t think of a single thing I’d rather do
and that’s why I decapitated the crew
How could I know there’s no island nearby?
if I don’t eat something soon, I’ll just die
I wouldn’t eat you, oh, never, not I
so let’s catch a shark and I’ll make us a pie
What shall we use for bait? Lend me a hand
I’ll sew it back on when we get to land
But if the shark takes it, that would be grand,
(because we won’t starve to death; you understand)
I can’t think of a single thing I wouldn’t do
to end up shipwrecked on an island with you
No there’s nobody I wouldn’t kill—nobody—
just to have you shipwrecked on a tropical island with me
Shipwrecked with you
Shipwrecked with you
I can’t think of a single thing I wouldn’t do
to end up shipwrecked on an island with you
again.
[The End Central]
14. Walking My Gargoyle
Regal and royal, we walk down the street,
a spring in our feet, whistling a tune
Hey there, little moon, how’s Mr. Sun?
I meet everyone, walking my gargoyle
Loving and loyal, he’s my best friend
Folks can’t comprehend the fact that he talks
Vultures and hawks turn white as doves
cause everyone loves my little gargoyle
I found him on a church
He helps with my research
People recoil when they see me
Obviously, I’m pretty extreme
Most people scream most of the time
but always when I’m walking my gargoyle
Puddle may boil when we go by,
my gargoyle and I, happy again
Beautiful men? Yes, without fail
I’m wagging my tails walking my gargoyle.
[TRR Chapter Six]
15. We Are the Gothic Archies
We are the Gothic Archies: Death, Tentacles, and Pip
Be sure to buy a record and don’t forget to tip
The Gothic Archies are we, with whom you should not mess:
the apogee and zenith of gothicarchieness
We are the Gothic Archies: Death, Tentacles, and Pip
Be sure to buy a T-shirt, and then you will be hip
Are the Gothic Archies we? Oh, are we ever they!
In fact, it is a myst’ry how anyone could say
we’re not the Gothic Archies (Pip, Tentacles, and Death)
We love to kill such people by squeezing out their breath
Are we the Gothic Archies? Be careful what you say.
(You are the Gothic Archies. Ta-ra-ra-boom-de-ray.)
Oh, archiesway othicgay ethay, areway eway;
illiantbray yricistslay, an’tcay ouyay eesay?
Tho gothic we are archie. Tho archie we are goth
No Satan-worshippers we, we worship Yog-Sothoth.
[The End Chapter Eight (reflected horizontally)]
[TCC Chapter Thirteen]
1. Scream and Run Away
The count has an eye on his ankle
and lives in a horrible place
He wants all your money
He’s never at all funny
He wants to remove your face
And you might be thinking, What a romp this is!
but wait till you meet his accomplices
When you see Count Olaf you’re suddenly full of
disgust and despair and dismay
In the whole of the soul of Count Olaf there’s no love
When you see Count Olaf, count to zero;
then, scream and run away
Scream, scream, scream and run away
Run, run, run, run, run, run, run
or die, die, die, die, die, die, die, die
Run, run, run, run, run, run, run, run
or die, die, die, die, die, die, die, die, die, die, die
Two women with powdered white faces
and one long-nosed bald man with warts
Things worsen and worsen
There’s a hook-handed person
and others with nastier parts
This evil and unpleasant group
completes Count Olaf’s acting troupe
The goal of Count Olaf is getting control of
the fortunes or urchins and orphans, hooray!
I mean, horrors! Count Olaf is no laughing matter
When you see Count Olaf, count to zero;
Then scream and run away…
[TBB Chapter Twelve]
2. In the Reptile Room
In the reptile room, where the baby screams
weirder creatures loom than in all of your dreams
In the reptile room, hither and thither,
creatures from Khartoum slither anywhither
In the reptile room anacondas dance
Will they be our doom? Will we be their bon-bons?
And you wanna know, wanna know, wanna know,
why I frown
Well, I’m smiling, I’m just smiling upside down
In the reptile room there’s an evil man
in a strange costume; do not ride in his van
In the reptile room are pythons at play
in the murky gloom; what a horrible day!
[TRR Chapter Three (mirrored vertically, rotated 90 degrees clockwise)]
3. The World Is a Very Scary Place
The world is a very scary place, my dear
It’s hurled and it’s twirled through outer space, I fear
So many ways to lose your skin in it
The number of ways to die is infinite
The world is a very scary thing, I find
It’s curled all my toes and it’s curling my mind
When I was young my study was candies
but they attract tarantulas and bees
Some people act as if there were nothing wrong,
due to the fact they haven’t heard this song
[TWW Chapter Twelve]
The world is a very scary place to go
It’s whorled and it’s swirled with death like lace, you know
You may have found my views unorthodox
but now the wolf is at the door; it knocks.
4. Dreary, Dreary
Gone, gone, the girl in brocade
Gone the words we might have said
Howl, winds, because she is dead
and gone, gone, gone
Were teary, teary eyes once bright?
Weary sighs the tune
Dreary, dreary fall the night
and eerie light of the moon
Gone, gone, my Beatrice
Gone the lips I longed to kiss
into a black and bleak abyss
Gone, gone, gone
(Gone are the summers of croquet and cribbage)
Were teary, teary eyes once bright?
[TMM Chapter Four]
(Gone gone,)
Weary sighs the tune
(are the winters of)
Dreary, dreary fall the night
(snow,)
and eerie light of the moon
(sighs and secrets.)
Were teary, teary eyes once bright?
(Gone too,)
Weary sighs the tune
(silver springs, golden)
Dreary, dreary fall the night
(falls.)
and eerie light of the moon.
5. When You Play the Violin
I have known little civility, sir—
few have been kind, fewer truthful—
and, though within my ability, sir
I remain dutifully youthful,
I go gray, then bald, with chagrin
when you play the violin
How I pray for death to begin
when you play the violin
True, there’s been trouble and trickery, sir,
trembling and tribulations;
twitches from switches of hickory, sir,
you, sir, and your usurpations;
but my patience wears very thin
when you play the violin
How I stay I can’t imagine
when you play the violin
I’ve endured struggling and thuggery, sir,
physical ed and psychosis,
sculleries, skulls and skullduggery, sir
haplessness, hype and hypnosis
but oy vey! the horrible din
when you play the violin
You betray an ear made of tin
when you play—when you slay—the violin!
[TAA Chapter Two (reflected horizontally)]
6. This Abyss
This abyss, this lightless void
This abyss of world destroyed
This abyss, all deep, all wide
This abyss of Being denied
Even in the darkest forest
fireflies are flickering… but not in
this abyss of black increase
This abyss without surcease
Even in the deepest ocean
is a little moonlight… but not in
this abyss of night unbound;
This abyss without a sound
Even in your bedroom shadows
there is something moving… but not in
this abyss, this all-below
This abyss; this death, this “no”.
[TEE Chapter Two (rotated 90 degrees clockwise)]
7. Crows
It gets dark around here early
because of all the crows
What they want and where they came from
no one really knows
Crows are sour and surly
with reason I suppose
There are crows, crows in the trees
saying crow things, doing as they please
There are crows, crows everywhere
but when I think of you, dear, I don’t care
[TVV Chapter Eight (reflected vertically)]
It gets light around here slowly
because of how it goes
Everyday we hear the same dumb
list of those crows’ woes
Thinking they’re so holy
while leaving mementoes…
I don’t care
because I know you love me
unlike all the crows lurking above me…
[TVV Chapter Two]
8. Smile! No One Cares How You Feel
Smile!
No one cares how you feel
Be vicious, vain and vile
Everything’s yours to steal
if you’ll just
smile
Have you no dignity?
Have you no sense of style?
You’ll never be pretty
until you smile
Smile!
No one cares how you feel
There’s a world to beguile
You can make this world kneel
if you’ll just
smile
Always the best disguise
A license to defile
Everyone you despise
will die, so
smile.
[THH Chapter Three]
9. Freakshow
People gawk at the way you walk,
you’re a freakshow
People squawk ‘bout the way you talk,
you’re a freakshow
People stare at your scary hair,
you’re a freakshow
People glare at that hat you wear
you’re a freakshow
[TCC Chapter Three]
Real people want to know
what it is about your face that irritates them so
Reap people stop and ask
why you wear that costume, and why don’t you wear a mask
Normal folk think you’re just a joke
and a freakshow
Normal types cross the street for swipes
at the freakshow
Even birds stop to drop their turds
on the freakshow
Even geeks, even other freaks
hate the freakshow
Real people fume and seethe
how you dare to share the public has to breathe
Real people ask you why,
with a face like you’ve got, won’t you just lie down and…
Real people look on you
like something unpleasant for the garbage crew to do
Real people question how
someone took a lobster’s face and
put it on a cow
Real people say har, har,
as a monster movie actor you could be a star
and soon… you are!
[TCC Chapter Two]
10. How Do You Slow This Thing Down?
How do you slow this thing down?
How do you make this thing slow down?
We tried to brake
by saying, “Must be some mistake”
Problem unsolved,
we said, “Don’t make me get involved”
We tried to slow
it down by shrieking, “No, no, no”
We tried to halt
by whimpering, “It’s not my fault”
It’s not fair,
we’ve tried all kinds of prayer
We tried science
It sped up in defiance
[TSS Chapter Seven (reflected horizontally, rotated 45 degrees clockwise)]
11. A Million Mushrooms
A million mushrooms fill the field
where marchers’ bodies lately fell
More marchers, marching heavy-heeled
release more spores, that march as well
across the twilit charnel ground
and over long-bewildered farms,
through palaces where not a sound
is heard, though there should be alarms
But winter comes, and only ice
is crushed beneath the marching feet
In all the land, where once was rice
there now is nothing fit to eat
except mushrooms, which nourish not
the body, nourish not the mind,
and often poison. Eating rot,
the marchers march, insane and blind.
[TRR Chapter Five]
12. Things Are Not What They Appear
Things are not what they appear
starting with a mother’s love
When a helping hand comes near
it becomes an empty glove
Things are not what they appear
starting with your hopes and dreams
Just one thing in life is clear:
nothing’s ever what it seems
[TPP Chapter Eleven]
Even babies lie
and the stars don’t cry
Nothing’s ever what it seems
People lie from ear to ear
just to help their little teams
which are not what they appear
We are wrong to begin with,
even if we were sincere
Truth is just a useful myth
Things are not what they appear
Even babies steal
and the stars don’t squeal…
Even babies kill
and the stars are still.
[TPP Not A Chapter (left-hand image) / TPP Also Not A Chapter (central image)]
13. Shipwrecked
I can’t think of a single thing I’d rather do
than be cast away on an island with you
No, I can’t think of anything more heavenly
than to have you shipwrecked on a tropical island with me
Shipwrecked with you
Shipwrecked with you
I can’t think of a single thing I’d rather do
than be cast away on an island with you
Far from distractions and matters of state,
we can quit smoking and quickly lose weight,
sleeping till noon and then staying up late,
at latitude zero and longitude eight
[The End Chapter Two]
I am a gentleman: should you get hurt,
I’ll make a tourniquet out of my shirt
You needn’t do much, just sit there and flirt,
and if it looks drizzly, I’ll build us a yurt
I can’t think of a single thing I’d rather do,
and that’s why I had to get rid of the crew
So I lopped off their heads and dropped them in the sea
just to have you shipwrecked on a tropical island with me
Shipwrecked with you
Shipwrecked with you
I can’t think of a single thing I’d rather do
and that’s why I decapitated the crew
How could I know there’s no island nearby?
if I don’t eat something soon, I’ll just die
I wouldn’t eat you, oh, never, not I
so let’s catch a shark and I’ll make us a pie
What shall we use for bait? Lend me a hand
I’ll sew it back on when we get to land
But if the shark takes it, that would be grand,
(because we won’t starve to death; you understand)
I can’t think of a single thing I wouldn’t do
to end up shipwrecked on an island with you
No there’s nobody I wouldn’t kill—nobody—
just to have you shipwrecked on a tropical island with me
Shipwrecked with you
Shipwrecked with you
I can’t think of a single thing I wouldn’t do
to end up shipwrecked on an island with you
again.
[The End Central]
14. Walking My Gargoyle
Regal and royal, we walk down the street,
a spring in our feet, whistling a tune
Hey there, little moon, how’s Mr. Sun?
I meet everyone, walking my gargoyle
Loving and loyal, he’s my best friend
Folks can’t comprehend the fact that he talks
Vultures and hawks turn white as doves
cause everyone loves my little gargoyle
I found him on a church
He helps with my research
People recoil when they see me
Obviously, I’m pretty extreme
Most people scream most of the time
but always when I’m walking my gargoyle
Puddle may boil when we go by,
my gargoyle and I, happy again
Beautiful men? Yes, without fail
I’m wagging my tails walking my gargoyle.
[TRR Chapter Six]
15. We Are the Gothic Archies
We are the Gothic Archies: Death, Tentacles, and Pip
Be sure to buy a record and don’t forget to tip
The Gothic Archies are we, with whom you should not mess:
the apogee and zenith of gothicarchieness
We are the Gothic Archies: Death, Tentacles, and Pip
Be sure to buy a T-shirt, and then you will be hip
Are the Gothic Archies we? Oh, are we ever they!
In fact, it is a myst’ry how anyone could say
we’re not the Gothic Archies (Pip, Tentacles, and Death)
We love to kill such people by squeezing out their breath
Are we the Gothic Archies? Be careful what you say.
(You are the Gothic Archies. Ta-ra-ra-boom-de-ray.)
Oh, archiesway othicgay ethay, areway eway;
illiantbray yricistslay, an’tcay ouyay eesay?
Tho gothic we are archie. Tho archie we are goth
No Satan-worshippers we, we worship Yog-Sothoth.
[The End Chapter Eight (reflected horizontally)]
[TCC Chapter Thirteen]