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Post by Christmas Chief on Sept 15, 2012 19:58:35 GMT -5
In an ancient library, far from anyone they knew or trusted, the 667ers uncover a mystery in a community no one but Snicket fans knew much about. They begin asking questions that shouldn’t have been on their minds. Now one detective has written an account that should not be published electronically, corporeally, or at all.
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Post by Poe's Coats Host Toast on Sept 15, 2012 20:04:30 GMT -5
Awesome! I may be drunk right now but I'm excited as f'*ck for thist!
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Post by Tiago James Squalor on Sept 15, 2012 20:05:48 GMT -5
@terry Craig: What have you been drinking? lol
Also, I'll most definetely read this, Sherry Ann. ^^
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Post by Poe's Coats Host Toast on Sept 15, 2012 21:14:29 GMT -5
@terry Craig: What have you been drinking? lol Let's see, 3 pints of Murphy's stout, 2 cider, annd 3 wheat beer, so it's not too much. Just enough. But I don't wanna go off topic here, I forgot to say I hope thias fanfic features some ATWQW stuffs 'cos that d be a first in this forum I think!
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Post by Tryina Denouement on Sept 16, 2012 1:05:24 GMT -5
Oh Em Gee I'm excited!
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Post by Cafe SalMONAlla on Sept 16, 2012 1:08:11 GMT -5
I haven't been this excited for ages!!
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Post by Dante on Sept 16, 2012 4:03:35 GMT -5
Could this be the first ever ATWQ fanfic, and before the first volume is even published?
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Post by Cafe SalMONAlla on Sept 16, 2012 4:08:09 GMT -5
*almost falls off her chair*
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Post by Christmas Chief on Sept 16, 2012 5:16:37 GMT -5
Disclaimer: The majority of everything is fiction, half of everything is pre-emptive, and absolutely everything is Snicket's, except for the parts that are mine, 667's, or an unspecified source's.
Chapter 1. When do the loudspeakers ring?
There was a library, and there was a man, and there was a conspiracy. I was living in the library, and I was hired to investigate the conspiracy, and I thought the man had nothing to do with it. I was still in high school but no one believed me. I should have asked the question “How is it I’m not getting paid for this?” Instead, I asked the wrong question—six hundred sixty-seven wrong questions, more or less. This is the account of the first.
667 Dark Avenue, like wishing wells, bell towers, and the amount of lies adults tell children, remains to this day unbelievably enormous. Because of its size, Dark Avenue was able to serve as a home as well as a library. Members, for instance, had small bedrooms, staff members had offices, and guests were welcome to curl up on any empty shelf they could find. The edifice itself was ancient; the 667ers, however, were anything but. The community thrived on current events, spontaneity, and, of course, the upcoming release of the first book in Lemony Snicket’s new series All the Wrong Questions. Using something called the Dante Decimal System, 667ers were able to locate and create topics ranging from greeting cards to improvised musical numbers.
For this reason, 667 was one of the most curious places to imagine how various activities might look to strangers. For instance, if one peered into the window of an obscure wing off the second floor, one might see an elderly man mumbling to himself and pouring over hand drawn maps as he sipped imaginary tea from an empty mug, calling back to a group of hoodlums to request they quiet their racket. One might then observe the alleged hoodlums, chatting among themselves and relishing in their relative youth as their elders flicked past them none the wiser. One might perhaps follow one of these elders up a staircase, down a hall, and into a dark room, two words which here mean a room that is dark rather than a room in which photography is developed, and discover one has fallen into a terrible trap.
These revelations were all quite relevant as they occurred directly after a mighty voice sounded from a set of newly installed loudspeakers.
“Attention!” A bell could be heard ringing along with the voice. “I’m using these loudspeakers to inform all present I just ate pickles for lunch. I expect everyone to do the same. Oh, and make sure they are fresh. Badly prepared pickles make for a horrid lunch. Also, if anyone cares for an exalt point, such honors may be retrieved by playing chess. If you won the game already, see me to claim your prize,” the ringing was heard again, and the voice concluded, “That is all.”
Beneath a set of speakers, a girl called Bee was scribbling the words down madly. The voice obviously belonged to Tragedy, and obviously he was communicating in Sebald code, but the message wasn’t making sense. Ate oh for point won? What could that possibly mean? Did Tragedy even know how Sebald code worked? She looked around for someone who had known Tragedy longer.
“Songbird!” Bee called to her from the bottom of the staircase. Songbird whipped around, her sensible dress twirling elegantly about her as she did so. “What do you think this could mean?” Bee showed her the coded message. “Ate oh for point one?” Songbird squinted, “I have no idea,” she declared, and continued up the stairs. It didn’t matter that Songbird herself couldn’t derive meaning from the seemingly random sequence of words, though, for she had unintentionally answered Bee by reading them aloud in her American accent. Of course! Eight zero four point one. 804.1! So pleased was Bee with her discovery that she did not notice the pair of eyes lurking in the shadows, and indeed never did, no matter where they followed her.
“Sophie!” Bee called. Another girl, similar in age to Bee, looked up from the musical she was viewing, and the friends exchanged notes.
“I don’t know what it means,” Sophie declared, frustrated, “The Dante Decimal System only carries documents up to number 667.”
“We’ll figure it out. Let’s see if Kensicle knows anything about it,” Bee comforted her.
As it turned out, Kensicle was nowhere to be found.
“She’s probably just busy,” Sophie said nonchalantly. “Look, there’s Pen!”
Pen approached the two volunteers. “Say, have either of you seen Bryan?”
“He’s being crowned Member of the Month,” Sophie informed her. “No – wait – he’s back.” She gestured to a twitchy and paranoid-looking volunteer wearing a newly-crafted crown with four initials engraved atop its points. After assuring him he was safe, and congratulating him on his accomplishment, Bryan was updated on the most recent announcement from Tragedy.
“Could you hoodlums quiet the racket?” Hermes turned from his desk to address the foursome, irritated. He had been studying a map of Burdensome Books, and so engrossed in his work was he that he hadn’t noticed his tea had vanished hours ago. “Hmph,” he said, realizing his mistake, “I’m going to brew more tea.” He made to ascend from his desk, but Bee, Bryan, Sophie, and Pen never gave him the chance.
“Hermes,” Sophie stopped him, “What’s this?” she gestured to the map of Burdensome Books.
“It’s none of your business, is what it is, now if you would kindly excuse me - ”
“Pen will make you more tea,” Bee said, removing her hand from her pocket to take the mug, “You can stay and talk with us.”
“I - ” Pen protested as the mug was shoved into his hands. “Now,” Bee commanded.
There are two good reasons and one bad reason to bring someone a hot beverage. The first good reason is that it is courteous, and as courtesy fades from a world growing noisier by the second completing small acts of kindness can be seen as acts of rebellion against the evils prevailing in the world. The second good reason is that a mug is a perfect place to hide a secret message. Some readers might have assumed Bee was merely being bossy, or perhaps exerting her dominance in an alleged pairing with which neither party was content, but careful readers will see that Bee was in fact alerting Pen of a great danger.
“IMPOSTER,” Pen muttered to himself when he had gotten a safe enough distance away. What could Bee have meant? That Hermes was an imposter? It was the only logical inference.
There remains the one bad reason for bringing someone a hot beverage. It happened years ago to a girl in a classroom, and it happened to the brother of a brave researcher undercover at a dairy. It happened to an elderly woman who may or may not have deserved it, and it happened to me, who certainly didn’t deserve it. Now it was happening to poor Hermes, as Pen located a vial of poison and stealthily poured it into a steaming cup of Earl Grey tea.
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Post by Tryina Denouement on Sept 16, 2012 6:06:04 GMT -5
Please put me in!!!!!
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Post by Dante on Sept 16, 2012 6:30:48 GMT -5
I was wondering at the start if this would be a line-by-line parody of WCTBATH, but it quickly takes off in its own direction. I'm quite curious as to where this was going. Also, I wondered if anyone else started trying to decode the Sebald Code before noticing the answer was given in the text? Good start, Sherry Ann; I'm curious to see where you're taking this.
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Post by B. on Sept 16, 2012 6:34:50 GMT -5
This is a really good start; I'm honoured to be in it.
I wondered when I read the introductory paragraph if this story was going to literally have 667 chapters?
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Post by Christmas Chief on Sept 16, 2012 7:19:47 GMT -5
Thanks for the comments! Plenty of opportunity for that later - if the story calls for it, so a character you shall be. I was wondering at the start if this would be a line-by-line parody of WCTBATH, but it quickly takes off in its own direction. I'm quite curious as to where this was going. Also, I wondered if anyone else started trying to decode the Sebald Code before noticing the answer was given in the text? Good start, Sherry Ann; I'm curious to see where you're taking this. I wrote this chapter, and the next two, too, before we had Three and Four from Kindle. As a result, the first part of this fic is more 667-based, whereas the last parts will probably be more ATWQ-based. I wondered when I read the introductory paragraph if this story was going to literally have 667 chapters? Good question. The answer is no. I asked 667 wrong questions, but 660 of them you won't hear about because they aren't relevant.
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Post by Kit's tits kick ticks on Sept 16, 2012 8:49:01 GMT -5
Also, I wondered if anyone else started trying to decode the Sebald Code before noticing the answer was given in the text? I did. I always try to answer questions before I look if they are alreday answered. Great first chapter!
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Post by Hermes on Sept 16, 2012 11:06:08 GMT -5
Well! 667/Snicket crossovers are clearly in! (Is this also the first ever ATWQ fanfic?)
This is brilliant, Sherry Ann! I am a bit uncertain about my own part - the last line seems to imply that it is really me, so who is the imposter? And I seem a bit ungracious. But I look forward to what will happen next.
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