Post by penne on May 28, 2013 14:18:03 GMT -5
Original idea by Akbar Le Grey
By Pen
Some of you may be surprised that I'm writing the editorial this month, but relax, I'm not taking over, I'm just helping Charlie out. He couldn't organize this edition because of his computer troubles, so he asked for my help. And let me tell you, organizing the 667er is not as easy as it may seem. This was some hard work! Hopefully you'll guys like it. I mean, don't get me wrong, it's no Charlie, but I think it turned out alright. We got our usual Charlie fic, artwork by Becca, a review by Terry, Lemona's back for her rant and more. I wanna thank everyone that contributed to this edition one final time. So thanks! And enjoy!
THE NEXT DAY, by DAVID BOWIE - A review by Terry Craig, May 27, 2013
So, I know this is not the newest album by now (it came out March 12), but I feel like despite the hype up until its release (first Bowie album in ten years) it was quite overlooked. The cause may be that we all know of 'The David Bowie,' and after an extensive career that's left a glowing trail of stardust on the music landscape, with its brightest moments lying in the past, it may be hard to believe that old Davey could make another record of any great relevance. But while this album is obviously not as cutting edge as Bowie once was, it is a tonally subdued rumination on the artist's exuberant career packaged in a contrastingly and surprisingly energetic, big sound. It’s a very rock/pop heavy album, instrumentally sounding as power laden as Bowie from 20 to 30 years ago, the quietest moment of the album being the first single, Where Are We Now?. I mean the rest of the record is heavy 80s drum beats, catchy lyrics, big synths, distorted guitar solos and everything. All in Bowie’s signature swagger. Only his voice is there to remind us of all the many and crazy years that lie behind him. And, of course, the amazing cover. I understand how one might find it gimmicky, but it's really brilliant if you think about it. By reusing the classic 'Heroes' cover, and plastering the new title over it, 'The Next Day,' it presents a clever metaphor for David Bowie having been a pop culture icon, considering the title track of the crossed out album from 1977 had the line "We could be heroes, just for one day" in its chorus. The contents of the new album ultimately don't hold up to its cover in terms of cleverness, but it does paint a poignant atmosphere of what it promises on the cover, and it does so in broad and exciting, if somewhat familiar brush strokes, and makes for an admirable addition to the last pages of Bowie's catalogue as well as for quite an exciting listen in today's modern music panorama.
Lemona Expresses Displeasure:
Storage in Clothes Sucks
So this rant might be slightly too gender-specific, but bear with me. I am continually annoyed by the design of most women’s clothes, because no consideration for general practicality goes into them.
OK, now that I’ve weeded out those who hate listening to anything about clothes, I’ll go on. When I say “practical”, I do not mean “unbelievably utilitarian and plain”. Real pockets would be a start. I am something of an aficionado of women’s blazers, and very few in my collection have anything beyond a small flap sewn onto the outside of the article, sometimes with a little button. Fake pockets make just about no sense at all. It’s obvious that the idea is “the positioning of pockets on a blazer/jacket/whatever can add symmetry to the garment, but we don’t want anything so practical”. So the illusion of pockets has to be there.
Almost as bad are the miniscule things that sometimes pass for pockets. Yesterday I was wondering if I had an object I had just lost in my pants pocket. I spent about half-a-minute sliding my fingers over the fabric where pockets generally exist, and finally discovered an opening into which I could just fit the tips of two fingers. It was like an oversized pencil carrier. I really don’t think it is so hard to make flattering clothes with respectably sized pockets. “Form-fitting” - female fashion brands’ favourite word - is all very well, but if it’s not a leotard, why can’t they find a way to hide the pocket lumps? I have one coat, and one coat only, into which I can fit anything resembling a book-sized object. I’m not talking, say, the fifth Harry Potter book or anything, but if I want to take a medium-sized novel on public transport or something – and I often do – I would rather not have to hold it all the time.
Well, that was fun. I know that a repetitive complaint about pockets is probably a sleep for most people, so I hope you enjoyed it, courtesy of me. I just wanted to say what’s often inside my head.
To Mr. Pen,
I am a person who frequently mixes up the words "ironing" and "vacuuming." This makes life very awkward when trying to perform the one task with the wrong equipment, and I grow tired of crawling across the floor with a steaming brand on my hand, or having to stand on a chair to prepare my laundry. What do you recommend in my situation?
With hope and worry,
-A person with early-onset Alzheimer's
P.S. If you can crack this nut, I have a puzzler involving my mixing up the words "ironing" and "vacuuming" for you to sort out.
Dear person with early-onset Alzheimer’s
You should know I’m very familiar with Alzheimer’s. Not a lot of people know this, but I’ve shown some of the symptoms myself. Also, I don’t know if you heard of this already, but I’m very familiar with Alzheimer’s. And I think the best solution to your problem is I’m very familiar with Alzheimer’s. I’ve told you this, haven’t I? I hope this helps!
-F… D?
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I WANT TO BE ANONYMOUS
I find myself crying far more than is probably normal. Strangely enough, I haven't been constantly stabbing myself. Why am I crying and how can I stop it?
-Sleepless in Seattle (sleepless because of how much I cry)
Dear Anonymous,
You haven’t been stabbing yourself, you say? Well that’s your problem. In life you just gotta do what makes you happy. If stabbing yourself is what you love to do, then you should go for it, you see? Maybe then you’ll stop your crying. You know, the doctors say your brain can only focus on one pain at a time. If you can only feel that stabbing you won’t feel your heart breaking. Be very careful, though. Crying and stabbing at the same time is a recipe for disaster.
-F.D.
P.S.: If this is actually a reference to something, screw you for making me look like an idiot.
P.P.S.: Because I know who you are, I’m pretty sure you’re just joking, but I’d like to make it perfectly clear that this is horrible, horrible, horrible advice.
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Dear Sir,
Due a terrible misunderstanding involving a shopping bag, a mattress and several mechanical elephants, I am now required to prepare a three-course meal for four people. Unfortunately, I suck at cooking anything that isn’t risotto, and I don’t think I can do this. Backing out would probably mean major issues for me, though. What would you advise?
Sincerely, Rice Dish
Dear Rice Dish,
I have one word for you. Are you ready?
-F.D.
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I haven't got any good books to read and I'm bored can you you suggest any? Thanks
Yours Sincerely, Lucas
Dear Lucas,
What fortunate timing! Did you know that our beloved Songbird is organizing the forums' Summer Book Club? There are lots of cool book nominations there and you could vote for your favourites then discuss the winning book with your 667 pals.
-F.D.
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I have no idea what to write, and have no inspiration what can I do?
-BSam
Dear BSam,
Maybe you could try looking back at what you've done for old editions of the 667er and draw some inspiration from that?
-F.D.
Hello everyone!
I have decided to do a retrospective of some great BSam moments from the original 667er. I hope you don't find this as self indulgent as I do. ;D
First up, a detailed look at the time I was asked to run the 667er for an issue, so I know exactly what you're going through Pen. This is from issue LX. also a large part of the fun was creating a new and really stupid banner each week.
Some of you may have noticed the other week i had a stint at being a proper newpaper editor, and i realised it's not all fun and laughs i thought it was.
here is a breif days dairy of my time as editor
6:30am wake up
-i do have to start the day off with the most dificult task of all, getting out of bed
-whilst i do have the highest classs escort ladies to present to me my breakfast it is still a hassle to make sure the scrambles egg are indeed cooked to prefection and not cooked all rubbery like as they so often are in the cheapest hotels in town.
7:30 cocaine
8:30 read prospective articles and stories, reject all of them, rubbish
9:30 lunch, salmon, cigars, champaigne and cocaine
11:30 mid meal rest
12:30 resume lunch.
3:30 write all new articles myself because none of my writers are good enough
3:35 collate articles and publish newpaper
4:00 cocaine
4:30 bask in glory as my newspaper is brilliant
6:30 coke fuelled daycare center with my female aquaintences
10:30 sleep
the next day
9:00 rehab
7:00 leave rehab
10:00 cocaine
i look forward to the chance to relive this amazing experiance
if akbar ever needs a rest and has some spare cocaine
-BSam.
A political cartoon from issue LXXIII - which is relevant again now the paper is back again
A list of my threads of the week from Issue XXXIV
This was when I was having fun annoying Akbar by not letting him edit my articles for spelling, grammer and legibility.
And Finally From Issue XCIV
"Peej asked me to write an article about taxes?"
Love BSam.
Love BSam.
Just to show that this wasn't my laziest article I've ever done.
This edition's Guest Artist is Becca:
So now it's time for an anecdote of Pen's life. You know, I take swimming lessons on an open pool. That means that there is no roof and that the pool is subject to any changes of the weather. Last time I went swimming (I was walking with my mother over to the place where I take these lessons), a light rain was falling. People were talking about how, in the next day the temperature would fall. So I said to my mom: "Mom. I know that a freaking storm is going to fall over my head while I'm at the pool. That's just the kind of thing that happens to me." She said: "Oh, don't be silly. This light rain will continue throughout the night". Fine then. I went swimming. And surprise, surprise, it poured. I took it like a boss tho. When I got out of the pool, I slowly walked over to where I was supposed to meet with my mom, taking in every single drop of water, just to show her I was right.
She laughed.
Look guys, a brand new chapter from MisterM's "The Rise"!
Chapter Seven
‘Mr Rook, how are you?’ said Hermes
Dante, Hermes, Sherry Ann, and Bee were stood, face to face with Rook, outside of 667 Dark Avenue. They had been expecting him, and they did not have time to deal with him, or OFD
‘Dante.’ said rook
‘No, my name is Hermes. Dante is standing to my right.’ he raised his hand in dante’s direction.
‘Mr Rook.; said Dante ‘How can I help?’
‘Dante.’ said rook. ’Hah I’ve found you at last.’
‘Yes.’ said Dante ‘you have found me. Congratulations.;
There was silence for several seconds
‘Ah.’ said Dante ‘and what now?’
‘what?’ said rook
‘You’ve come here, with no plan, no assistance, and you’re going to…..what?’ said Dante ‘kill me? Good luck with that.’
‘’I….I’
‘Look, how about I give you some time to think of a better, plan? You see, a small situation has arisen, and I would quite like to deal with that. I’d be happy to kill you another day however’
Rook pulled out a gun and fired it at Dante.
He stumbled, and put his arm to lean against bee. He spat out some blood, and the bullet fell out of him. As the wound began to heal surprisingly fast, he stood up again. ‘Right I
gave you a chance. Lets go.’
‘It taken me years to find you Dante.’ said rook. ‘Years of searching, following every lead, every mention of your name, but I did.’
Dante walked toward rook ‘Yes, you did.’ He placed his hands on either side of his head ‘And the you forgot.’ And strange white loud shot form Dante’s hand and through rooks head, just for a second, and rook fell down. Dante kicked him in the face, and began to walk back inside the building.
Elizabeth was exhausted.
She had has a difficult day, and as the sun set and she walked up the stairs to her house, all she could remember was the strange man she had encountered earlier that day. It was strange. David Faraday seemed almost to know her, but she had never met him before. The thing that had gotten to her most, though, was he kept asking how her daughter was. She, of course, did not have a daughter, but his insistence that she did had certainly set her on edge.
She stepped in her front door, shut it, and then stopped. She could hear a noise. A loud grunting coming from the kitchen
She tentatively walked towards the door, pushed it open, and switched on the light
Oliver Campbell was sat, leaning against the fridge, a first aid kit on the table, and it took hr several seconds to realise he was sitting in a pool of blood
‘Help me.’ he said
Samuel was furious.
It has been a simple diversion, and yet they had fallen it for is so simply. And now VFD has his brother.
The Verdant Flammable Device had not only caused the entire police force to believe there was a fire, but the green smoke was enough to confuse them so thoroughly they still weren’t to sure what was happening.
Samuel was in the middle of writing his report when charlotte knocked on his door.
‘Sam’
‘Yes? Can’t you see I’m busy?’
‘There’s a man here to see you’
‘Tell him to go away then’
‘He says its important.’
‘Good for him’
‘He says to tell you its Olaf’
Ah, thought Samuel.
Olaf was standing in the lobby of the police station, and, as usual those despicable people where also with him, Esme and Dante
‘Samuel.; Olaf screeched ‘How has this happened?’
‘how are you Samuel?’ ‘im fine Olaf, and you?’
‘I haven’t got time for sarcasm! This had been a complete disaster!’ screamed Olaf
‘Olaf, please be quiet.’ said Samuel
‘I don’t have time to be quiet. Faraday has escaped.’
‘Thank you for once again stating the obvious.’ said Samuel
‘Its not very good of you to allow such a highly classified prisoner to escape’ said Esme
‘Well, I think the real person to blame here is Dante’ said Samuel
Dante smiled ‘Are you going to blame this one on me?’
‘Surely I should though? You’ve been a double agent for years, and when something as big as this happens, you
decide to slip up?’
‘I didn’t slip up.’ said Dante. ‘In facr, Samuel, I think you are the one who might have slipped up here. VFD do not have faraday.’
‘What?’
‘It was, I believe a set up, to make it look as though VFD had taken him, when in fact, we believe this to be the work of rook and Campbell.’ said Dante
‘So why not try and take him back?’ suggested Samuel
‘You know why.’ said Olaf ‘Wwe don’t know where OFD are. And when we fi9dn them…..’ Olaf drew his finger across his throat, indictaing an atc of murder ‘You have been working for us from many years Samuel. Do not let me down.’
Oliver had been a fight, that much was clear.
‘You should go to A&E’ said Elizabeth, as she washed a particularly nasty cut on the side of his face.
‘I’ll be fine’ he said, although that clearly wasn’t true
‘What happened?’
‘It was nothing it was....’
‘I don’t think It was nothing Oliver.’
He thought for a moment ‘it was rook.’
Elizabeth paused for a second ‘Well then its your own fault’
‘I didn’t start a fight with him. He attacked me.’
‘Ah. Of course.’ she stop up to wash her hands. ‘Just like the
last time.’
‘You think that after all that’s happened between us, I would lie to you again? He attacked me. I was on my way to see you when, out of nowhere he lashed out at me.’
‘And why were you coming to see me?’
‘To tell you run away with me. To get away from this city, this…place. To get away from everything and everyone here. To go somewhere safe.’
‘And where would that be, exactly?’
‘I don’t know. But as long as you were with me I don’t think it would matter where we were.’
‘What lies inside his heart?’
‘What?’ said oliver
‘A man called David Faraday turned up in hospital today. He said he knew me, and he said knew you too. And he said I had to tell you that the next time I saw you. And you asked me that when you came here for the first time. So…. Tell me. What does it mean?’
‘Elizabeth. I want to keep you safe. And if I tell you what that means, I would not be keeping you safe.’
‘I’ve said this before. I can look after myself.’
‘What happened with me and rook at lucky smells was because of that question. I was trying to protect its secret and what it means. Only a few people on this earth know what it means ; me, Dante, and David Faraday. We though faraday was gone, but if he’s back…. I need to find him before rook does. And the only way I can find him is if I find Dante. And the only way to find Dante is my brother. He may have refused to help me before, but if I tell him faraday is here, he wont have any choice but to help me.’
Oliver stood up to leave, but failed, and sat back down again
‘Hm’ he said ‘It seems I might need some assistance.’
‘And I suppose you mean me?’ said Elizabeth
‘Yes.’
‘And why would I do that? Why would I help you find Dante if its going to be dangerous?
Oliver thought for a moment ‘Because I will take you to your daughter’
Rook woke up, and he couldn’t remember… anything.
‘If you had the chance why not take all of his mind?’
‘That would only cause more difficulty in the long run. By
making him forget my location, and my location only, will
simply things.’
‘But will he simply not discover it once more?’ said hermes
‘He will. But I will not be here, I think’
Dante knocked on the door, and Anka opened it.
‘Hey.’ she said, looking solemn
‘Hi.’ said Dante ‘How is…..it?’
‘He’s sitting at the table. I offered him some biscuits but he didn’t want any.’
James Ford was sat at the table, and as Dante walked into anka’s apartment, his face seemed to light up ‘Ah, good.
You’re back?’
‘Yes. You were correct. Rook did come to visits us.’
‘I though so.’ James smiled
‘But how did you know?’ asked dante
‘Im no really sure to be honest. Im not even sure why im here. I mean.. im dead.’
‘Yes’ said Hermes ‘you are. And yet you show up here, knowing things not envy a living man could know, it is… quite interesting.’
‘Where’s bee?’ asked anka
‘She sand Sherry Ann are dealing with rook.’ said dante ‘But James, I have a question to ask you, and I want you to awnser me honestly, okay?’
There was knock at the door
‘There would be bee, awnser it anka’ said dante
Anka opened the door, to find David Faraday staning there
‘My name is david faraday, and im looking for a man called dante.’
‘Why?’ said Anka
‘Because I think I might be dead.’
ADVERTISEMENTS
If you have nothing to do, how about sending a question for our advice column?
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If you have nothing to do, how about writing a "How Dare You?" and sending it our way?
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If you have nothing to do, how about writing an article for us?
The Penguin stood over them pointing his giant hat-gun-thing at them. It was really scary. You could hear their ears ringing
"I am the Pen-Guin. Because I am really cool, and I am known for having good taste in music"
They were very trapped. The evil villain that is also known by the name Pen Guin had trapped them.
"Ach, you've trapped us" Robcas said
"Has anybody you know ever been held hostage or alternatively been kidnapped?" Pen-Guin began, "Because you're about to be"
"Oh my oh me" said Bat-M. He was obviously salsating himself worried.
"Shall I send a text next time I decide to attack? Would that help?"
"Yes. I would like that," Robcas said, "Something like: I C U There Hiding, Ring me back. xoxo. That would be nice"
All of a sudden, after the ceasing of a tediouz beginning to a story, Linda-Woman flew in out of nowhate, knockung the Pen-Guin awt of the zky and stopping his tyrannical reign. He fel on the ground, and his big top hat fell right on the ground, nearbi his umbrella.
Linda-Woman turned around with a satisfied grin
"And I didn't even have to use my magic lasso"
"Watch out" Bat-M said suddenly, jumping in between them. Unfortunately he got stabbed or something. That sucks.
"Oh dear, Pen-Guin stabbed me. His umbrella has hostilely taken over my... what do you call that part of you? The tabloid?"
"Has the Penguin taken over your tabloid?" Linda-Woman said, getting back from beating up Pen-Guin
"You would be wrong to say yes" Bat-M replied
"Even so, we need to get you medical help" Linda-Woman said
"So be it. I will do what I need to" Bat-M said.
So he got into the Battymobile with Linda-Woman in shotgun, and Robcas in the backseat.
"Where are we goin' guys?" the Battymobile asked, " I love you random woman. I love everyone"
"We're going to go see an old friend of mine. A nurse"
To Be Continued...
A JOKE BROUGHT TO YOU BY BETSY
he drank something before it was cool
POWER RANKINGS BY WILLIS
So who was the best at 667 during the month of May? I’m glad you asked. Using a real, not fake formula, I have figured it out again.
1.Pandora – She won best pairing with some guy. Also that dog dressing up thread was funny.
2.Kyle – The hottest bible character thread? More like the greatest thread of the month!
3.Bee – Some may call this one an upset, especially after going unranked last month, but Bee’s presence is always felt.
4.Sherry Ann – Winner of the MVP at the darkies. She also gives gentle criticism in the book thread, which is much appreciated.
5.Rellim – Co winner of most compassionate. Had a shark drink.
6.Anka – Best new member and co-winner of most compassionate. Way to be, duck.
7.BSam – He won funniest member, and that’s no joke! That previous joke is an example of why I didn’t win funniest member.
8.Sophie - I liked her thread about shoes.
9.Songbird – She handled the first round of book club voting very well. Only 15 more rounds until the book club actually starts!
10.Bryan – He tied an award with me, and probably should have won it outright. All the girls want him, all the guys want to be him.
Ok so that’s it.
So that's it. Hope you guys liked it! Still waiting on a poem by Sophie and an article by bandit. If they ever send them to me, I'll edit them in.