The first day was a challenge for ol’ Snicket.
The former Justice, Antonin Scalia,
Was his attorney, and he couldn’t kick it
With someone who was civic diarrhea.
So he ignored the famous lawyer’s words
Of wisdom, and he tried to formulate
His own case, but it all was for the birds,
So petty was the subject for debate.
When it was finally time for him to speak,
He stood before the Devil’s judging perch.
He realized that his argument was weak,
But maybe not as much as Satan’s search
For lawyers: when he saw the prosecution,
He was surprised to find that Satan hired
Abe Lincoln, expert on the constitution,
But he was also long ago retired
And probably wasn’t sympathetic to
The Underworld’s cause. But Snicket went
Ahead with his original review
Of that disgraceful gumbo incident:
“I know that when I sipped a bit of shellfish,
I wasn’t being kosher, but I swear
I never was before so weak and selfish.
I never even took a double dare.
I always ate the things that Jews will eat
Along their quest to not consume unclean
Provisions, and I never ate pig meat,
Nor order at a joint with treif cuisine.
The lobster wasn’t mine! I wasn’t there
For dinner, only there for joyous jamming.
I even ate spaghetti, to be fair,
Before I left the house; I knew ‘twas damning,
Non-kosher Creole food, to eat with spoon,
And thus I filled my gut so’s not to tempt
Myself, upon the end of lengthy tunes.
O, surely such a case would be exempt
From all the flames and fury that are custom
For someone who has spent his life a-sinning?”
The Devil said, “We usually combust ‘em
As soon as they arrive, at the beginning.
Of course your case is iffy; that is why
I’m wasting time allowing you to blather.
So even though I really want to fry
Your sorry bum right now, and though I’d rather
Be watching the Kardashians instead of
Taking care of boring legal business,
Well, here we are. Now, since we are ahead of
Our schedule, let us take a break. ‘Tha Shiznit,’
My favorite song by Snoop Dogg, will now play
Repeatedly from now until the night,
When we’ll prepare for yet another day
Of lame and esoteric courtroom fight.”