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Post by Hermedy on May 22, 2008 9:31:15 GMT -5
Volt Baudelaire is the real reason Uncle Monty died? This is fascinating.
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Post by melon head. on May 23, 2008 2:06:19 GMT -5
Heh heh. Funn-ay.
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Post by Deleted on Aug 16, 2008 11:04:06 GMT -5
Chapter 3 - The Baneful Banana
Volt was making another frozen pizza in his cheap oven. He had spent the last week or so locked up in his apartment, eating and watching VH1 countdowns, due to the guilt he felt from the latest terror he had caused the Baudelaire orphans. He went to get the parmesan cheese from the fridge, but discovered he was out. More shocking was the fact that the frozen pizza was the last food in his entire house. He called his buddy Mr. Poe to borrow some money. Mr poe answered and said “I’m not in a good position to talk now, Volt. I am at Lake Lachrymose with the orphans now, and there is a hurricane coming.” Just then the call cut out. Volt was in a panic for food, so he decided to fly to Lake Lachrymose to personally meet Mr. Poe and weasel some money out of him. He was still frantically hungry, so he used his powers to create an electric field around some bananas and a bottle of booze, then drew them to him.
Volt flew to Lake Lachrymose, drinking on the way to calm his nerves. He reached the lake, but unfortunately the hurricane had already started. The booze was getting to him, so he was swerving a lot while flying. He saw a strange looking house at the edge of a cliff, and flew up by it to get a better view of the town. Then he looked into the window of the house and saw his nieces and nephew. He got so excited that he accidently sent out a bolt of lightning at one of the stilts, causing it to break. He distractedly watched as the house began to fall, unaware that he was backing into the eye of the hurricane. He got caught in the wind and saw hurled towards Curdled Cave.
Volt got up from the floor of the cave and looked around. His headache was killing him and his vision was blurred, but he did see Aunt Josephine sitting on the other side of the cave crying. He stumped over to her, and asked her if she wanted a banana.
He handed her one, then passed out. When he woke up, his headache was worse than ever. The cave was empty, and he was missing a banana. He got up and walked to the edge of the cave. He looked out and saw a boat on fire. He flew over to check it out, and saw Count Olaf throwing Aunt Josephine into the water, then capturing the orphans. He panicked and flew away. He wanted to save the orphans but he was too embarrassed about what he had done. Aunt Josephine was tragically eaten by the Lachrymose leeches.
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Post by Emma “Emmz” Squalor on Aug 16, 2008 15:10:39 GMT -5
This was very funny.
My favorite parts were where Volt accidentally destroyed the house, and then panicked and abandoned the Aunt Josephine scene.
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Post by Hermedy on Aug 17, 2008 13:10:11 GMT -5
Wow... So Volt Baudelaire is responsible for both Aunt Josephine's death AND the collapse of her house?
Just when I thought that guy couldn't be more of a screw-up...
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Post by Shelly on Aug 17, 2008 16:22:16 GMT -5
Neat. He has magic powers.  |
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Post by Hermedy on Aug 19, 2008 13:53:26 GMT -5
... No. He has the ability to manipulate electricity.
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Post by Eye on Aug 20, 2008 8:33:00 GMT -5
God, how much more stuff can he mess up by accident? This is pure genius.
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Post by Deleted on Feb 21, 2009 18:41:50 GMT -5
This one goes out to everybody whos read and/or commented my story. You guys rock, sorry for not writing very often.
Chapter 4 - The Embarrassing Employment
Volt was living in a cardboard box outside of his old apartment. He had been kicked out, due to not paying rent. He was starving, just eating scraps out of the dumpster. He decided that it was time for him to man up, and get a job. He interviewed at several places, even embarrassingly entry level jobs, but nobody would hire him due to his empty resume and poor personal hygiene. Just as he was about to give up hope, he saw a flyer floating around in the wind. It was a now hiring notice for Lucky Smells Lumbermill, saying that they would hire anybody on the spot. “This is my LUCKY day,” he said, winking, and flew there right away. He was instantly given a job.
Volt was his usual bumbling self, always screwing up. He would accidently sent bursts of electricity into the saw, making it go crazy and occasionally cutting off other workers limbs. Soon everybody became too afraid to work with him, so he got promoted to CEO of Lucky Smells Lumber Mill. Unfortunately for everybody there, he had very little business sense. His first decision was to replace the nice dormitories with terrible, windowless ones. Next he took away all food and replaced it with gum. Finally, since he had no money, he started paying the employees only with coupons. Everyone hated the new conditions, but they were too afraid to tell Volt in fear of being electrocuted. They were even to scared to address him by his name, simply calling him Sir.
After a few weeks as owner, Volt got a call from Mr. Poe. “Listen Volt, I’m desperate for a new guardian, and I’ve decided that the kids can stay with you.” Volt panicked, and all the guilt from the misfortune he had caused the Baudelaire orphans flooded him. He agreed to take them on, but became stressed out by the thought of their arrival. The only way to calm his nerves was to constantly smoke cigars. By the time the children arrived, his head was surrounded by an everlasting puff of smoke. Being the terrible uncle and business man he was, he had the children put to work. A week or so passed, and complete chaos broke out in his lumber mill. Hypnotism, sword fights involving babies and a woman being sawed in half by a buzz saw all happened under his watch. Mr. Poe arrived, shaking his head at disappointment with Volt as he took the kids with him once again. Overwhelmed with guilt, Volt quit his job and tragically went back to his boozed up old life.
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Post by Sixteen on Feb 21, 2009 18:44:34 GMT -5
What a brilliant comeback.
I can't believe Volt is actually Sir!
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Post by Hermedy on Feb 21, 2009 19:02:47 GMT -5
I'm so glad this series is continuing. That was a brilliant chapter.
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Post by Emma “Emmz” Squalor on Feb 21, 2009 22:13:08 GMT -5
Agreed. I loved the part about Volt being so stressed out about the Baudelaires' arrival that he resorted to smoking cigars. I'm looking forward to seeing what you do with TAA and TEE. |
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Post by Libitina on Feb 21, 2009 22:16:46 GMT -5
I really like this story. What a great story. It's a really good story.
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Post by Charles Vane on Feb 22, 2009 0:51:41 GMT -5
I feel like I was really able to connect emotionally with Volt. Who hasn't started chain smoking because they were going to become guardians of the children whose parents they killed?
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Post by Hermes on Feb 22, 2009 13:21:26 GMT -5
This is fun! (So that's why Mr Poe couldn't say his name!)
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