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Post by Hermedy on Jul 4, 2009 14:13:01 GMT -5
Chapter 7 - The Grievous Gifts Count Olaf and his associates were shopping for munchies at the Last Chance General Store, while driving to the Village of Fowl Devotees. The powdered face ladies were buying powdered sugar donuts, while the hook handed man got gummy bears. Volt Baudelaire was basically broke, but he was looking for some gifts for his niece and nephew. He knew Klaus’ birthday was coming up, but being an absent alcoholic uncle, he thought that Violet and Klaus were twins. So, he got a present for her too. He bought a ribbon for Violet and an eyeglass lens for Klaus, because all he could remember about them were their accessories. He also bought some cheese puffs. Count Olaf sent his associates to the Village before him, because he was planning a grander entrance later on. Volt laid down on his bed and drank some of his crows piss beer. The more he drank, the guiltier he felt for hurting the Baudelaire orphans. He went out to find them, but he got lost and ended up near the outskirts of the town. He saw a man tied to a stake, and went over to help. “Hi, do you need some help sir?” Volt asked politely if slightly slurred. “Yes, thank you so much. Say, I recognize you. Aren’t you Bertrand’s kid brother?” Volt flashed back to his childhood, of always being second best to his brother, how his parents seemed to care for Bertrand more than him. This caused a single tear to fall from Volt’s cheek. Unfortunately, following the single tear was a deadly burst of lightning, which instantly killed the man. Volt panicked, and dropped the ribbon and lens, as well as spilling his cheese puffs all over the body. He ate all the cheese puffs off him, leaving tiny bite marks on the corpse, then cowardly ran back to his room and collapsed. The next morning, Count Olaf walked in wearing a cop suit. More bad memories of Volt’s past flooded him, but that’s for a different story. “Hey Volt, my assassin backed out at the last minute, but I heard you went in there and killed Jacques for me. You’re the greatest associate I’ve ever had.” Volt looked out the window in horror as he saw the Baudelaire Orphans getting arrested for the murder he had just committed. The guilt over whelmed him again, making him physically ill. He called for a taxi, and asked them to take him to the nearest hospital. He vomited in the back seat of the cab the whole way there. LOL. I LOVE THIS SERIES. I'm quoting it since I've moved the thread to a new page. |
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Post by Fancy on Jul 4, 2009 14:14:47 GMT -5
I want to give Volt a hug but he might accidentally kill me.
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Post by Emma “Emmz” Squalor on Jul 4, 2009 14:23:39 GMT -5
AWESOME. Fernald bought gummy bears! Why does that not entirely surprise me?  And the powder-faced women bought powdered donunts! So clever.  Also, I loved your interpretation of how JacquesSnicket actually died. I laughed when Volt began eating cheese puffs off him and it turned out that's how he received his puncture wounds. |
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Post by Sixteen on Jul 5, 2009 9:15:07 GMT -5
This is the best asouefic I've ever read. Great work.
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Post by Libitina on Jul 5, 2009 13:38:22 GMT -5
Classic.
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Post by Hermes on Jul 6, 2009 8:51:48 GMT -5
Excellent. This makes more sense than the actual books sometimes.
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Post by katekor on Jul 8, 2009 9:10:38 GMT -5
Willis this is so awesome! I also loved that the powder-faced women bought powdered donuts! Ha! |
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Post by katekor on Jul 15, 2009 20:04:11 GMT -5
As you know Willis, I will be thinking about this all during my vacation so I hope you have a new chapter posted by the time I get back! |
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Post by melon head. on Jul 21, 2009 4:21:47 GMT -5
Cheese puffs = puncture marks. Genius!
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Post by katekor on Jul 29, 2009 11:18:40 GMT -5
Darn.
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Post by Deleted on Jul 31, 2009 23:36:14 GMT -5
Chapter 8 - The Catastrophic Cannabis
Volt Baudelaire had been in the hospital for a day, and had started bonded with the woman in the bed next to his, Geraldine Julienne, who was in for swine flu. She was a journalist who always tried to get her facts correct, and found out Volt was at the scene of a crime she was meant to be reporting. “They say it was these three children, but the evidence seems shallow to me.” Volt, afraid she would figure out he was the murderer, blurted “No, I saw Veronica, Klyde and Susie do it with my own eyes.” He used these names not in an attempt to protect them, but because he didn’t actually remember their real names. “Well, I guess you were there. Wait until the readers of the Daily Punctilio hear this!”
Volt got out of his bed and wandered around the hospital. He took some blueberry jell-o from the cafeteria and ate it as he made his way towards the Library of Records. Volt was never much for libraries or records, but he went in anyways and started nosing around, since he was one for nosing. He looked under B for beer and boobs, finding nothing. He went to W for whiskey, also finding nothing. He went into S for supermodels, but was distracted when he found the Snicket file. He recognized the name, and looked inside. The thirteen pages that he read contained secrets that would change his nieces and nephews lives for the better, but only if he could get the documents to the orphans. He shoved them in his pockets, accidently dropping the thirteenth page. He was about to leave the hospital and search for the orphans again when he smelled something. It was the sweet sweet smell of medical marijuana. Volt hadn’t had anything to drink in days, so he did the next best thing and stole some of the weed. He got high and forgot everything he had done that day.
While still high, he wandered out of the building and ran into Count Olaf. After sharing a few hits, Olaf informed Volt of everything what had happened, and that the Baudelaire’s were here. Volt remembered he had something to say to them, but couldn’t quite remember what. “So Volt, we need to start a fire, and I’ve got everything I need except for some paper.” Volt absentmindedly reached into his pocket and handed Count Olaf the twelve pages of the Snicket File. “Volt, you are the most amazing associate I’ve ever had. You’ve never let me down. Reliable as a rock, and such a hot commodity (? Tragedy).” Volt watched the hospital burn down, and his saving grace for the Baudelaire’s burn with it, and remembered exactly what he had done earlier that day. Guilt overcame him once again, and as he was ushered into Count Olaf’s car by the other associates, he vowed to never smoke weed again. Just alcohol. Lots of alcohol.
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Post by katekor on Aug 1, 2009 8:33:24 GMT -5
This was the best birthday present ever! Poor, poor Volt!
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Post by Emma “Emmz” Squalor on Aug 1, 2009 9:37:10 GMT -5
That was absolutely brilliant! Geraldine Julienne being in the hospital for swine flu also made me laugh. |
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Post by Hermedy on Aug 1, 2009 10:19:30 GMT -5
That was SO GOOD |
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Post by melon head. on Aug 1, 2009 20:00:55 GMT -5
I love that he looked in B for beer and boobs.
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