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Post by pennyroyal on Jul 18, 2003 17:41:32 GMT -5
i was inspired the poem DA posted. figured id subject you all to one of my hideous creations. i dont care for the second or third stanza but i like it overall.
I stood before a blackened spiral That which throughout the years Has fed on everything a sane man Knows himself to fear
I chanced a look into its depths And fell into its arms Yet somehow, deep inside, I knew That it meant me no harm
I reached the bottom of the spiral Beaten, lost, and numb But Something told me it was here That I was meant to come
It was then I heard a voice No owner could I see It told me it was wise and then It said that it was me
'Twas then i came to know myself And truth I always held I knew, for one, that those "sane" men Feared nothing but themselves.
I stood before a blackened spiral Foreboding, cold, and bare Ride the spiral to the bottom Take what's left, and build from there.
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Post by RonWeasley on Jul 18, 2003 17:42:48 GMT -5
That is pretty good.
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Post by pennyroyal on Jul 18, 2003 19:05:32 GMT -5
... ... ... ... c'mon, people! review, dammit, review!
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Post by MambaduMal on Jul 18, 2003 19:08:36 GMT -5
Eeep!!! All right already! ;D It's very good! I especially love the last stanza, it's perfect. Just one small thing, coming from another poet... the layout of the poem is sort of un-serious... you read it aloud, it sounds kind of sing-song But I love the story and the words you used, the rhyme is great too!
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Post by ponygirl's vapor on Jul 18, 2003 19:09:33 GMT -5
Very good, same thing that Mamba said.
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Post by pennyroyal on Jul 18, 2003 19:11:40 GMT -5
Eeep!!! All right already! ;D It's very good! I especially love the last stanza, it's perfect. Just one small thing, coming from another poet... the layout of the poem is sort of un-serious... you read it aloud, it sounds kind of sing-song But I love the story and the words you used, the rhyme is great too! yeah, there are some bugs in it im not sure how to fix
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Post by pennyroyal on Jul 18, 2003 20:31:50 GMT -5
mainly, the second and third stanza. i dont like them. i think the endings are redundant and not worded right. the fourth isnt all that good either.
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Post by pennyroyal on Jul 18, 2003 21:45:22 GMT -5
hmmm. *strokes invisible beard* meditate on this, i will.
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Post by Indistinguishable Blob on Jul 18, 2003 22:14:11 GMT -5
Well, I don't consider myself a poet, more of a journalist, which kills me to say, but at least it's writing, but anyway, I liked it. About the "bugs" you're talking about, sorry I can't help you, but at least this is a review. But I don't like the rhyming. Maybe that's why is sounds sing-song-ish. But hey, I know next to nothing about poetry though.
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Post by pennyroyal on Jul 18, 2003 22:16:18 GMT -5
ah. thank you. THAT is what was bugging me about the 2nd and 3rd stanzas.
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Post by pennyroyal on Jul 18, 2003 22:28:22 GMT -5
i dont think i will change it. if i was gonna make it freeverse, i would have to rewrite the whole thing, which i definitely dont feel like doing. they really should make a section for miscellaheous writings. ive got a story that if it keeps going like i hope it will will seriously rock.
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Post by Carly is Spiffy on Jan 18, 2004 15:44:24 GMT -5
Thats really awesome. I think I have read a few different poems of yours, and overall I really lik eyour style. What other people here might say is that I always comment positively, which I usually do, but Im being honest. I wont say i like something if I don't. What is your name? Im not a stalker, I just don't want to call you Betty...
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Post by Indistinguishable Blob on Jan 18, 2004 18:53:40 GMT -5
Betty is Chris. Chris is Betty. Stephin Merritt is a god.
Just felt like throwing that last one in there...
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