Post by Dante on Feb 23, 2008 12:03:07 GMT -5
AuthorTrackers: 2007
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January: Monday 22nd
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Lemony Snicket: Ten Unlucky Finalists Chosen
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January 2007
Dear Reader,
We're sorry to tell you that ten unlucky finalists have been chosen from the thousands of entries submitted for The Beatrice Letters' "Worst Contest You've Ever Heard." Which three of these finalists are recorded live by Lemony Snicket in February is up to you. Rush to vote for your favorite letter before the polls close on January 31.
The Beatrice Letters contains the personal correspondence of Lemony Snicket, which is filled with all manner of distressing codes and disturbing phrases, or vice versa. Remarkably, the ten finalists in the "Worst Contest You've Ever Heard" have succeeded in making one of Mr. Snicket's most upsetting letters even more unbearable by adding their own deranged genius.
Whatever you do, you probably shouldn't return to LemonySnicket.com on February 13th to hear Lemony Snicket read the three winning letters aloud and, quite possibly, weep.
With all due respect,
HarperCollins Publishers
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February: Wednesday 14th
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Lemony Snicket: Snicket Reads the Worst for All to Hear
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February 2007
Dear Reader,
There may be only one thing harder to hear than, "The Worst Contest You've Ever Heard is over," and that is the distressed voice of Lemony Snicket himself reading the winning entries, as determined by your votes, aloud.
Are you certain you want to rush to see the winning Letters and hear Mr.Snicket's personal recordings?
We didn't think so.
With all due respect,
HarperCollins Publishers
---
March: Wednesday 28th
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Lemony Snicket: Bitter Truths You Can't Avoid
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March 2007
Dear Reader,
If you know anything about the Baudelaire orphans, you know their lives are filled with difficulty, discomfort, and dreariness. What you may never have considered is this: so is yours.
We're sorry to tell you that, at the end of April, Lemony Snicket will publish an unsettling new book called Horseradish: Bitter Truths You Can't Avoid. In it, Mr. Snicket serves up nearly a hundred inviolable life lessons that no else would dare admit. Many are drawn from A Series of Unfortunate Events, like, "It is always cruel to laugh at people, although sometimes if they are wearing an ugly hat it is hard to control yourself." Other wisdom has been prepared by Mr. Snicket solely for this solemn publication, such as, "Everyone should be able to do one card trick, tell two jokes, and recite three poems, in case they are ever trapped in an elevator."
We are obligated to warn you about the coming distastefulness of Horseradish, but you are free to try something sweeter and more boring, like maltballs.
With all due respect,
HarperCollins Publishers
---
April: Tuesday 24th
---
Lemony Snicket: Horseradish and Other Misfortune
---
April 2007
Dear Reader,
Consuming horseradish can make your eyes tear, your nostrils flare, and your heart feel like it is on fire. For this reason, you should think twice before consuming Lemony Snicket's new book, Horseradish: Bitter Truths You Can't Avoid.
In thirteen far-reaching chapters—from "Family" to "Emotional Health," from "A Life of Mystery" to "The Mystery of Life" —Horseradish puts the unhappy mind of Mr. Snicket at your fingertips. This compendium of wisdom drawn from his published works and his unpublishable remarks is the perfect gift for loved ones and enemies alike. For, while misfortune is never pleasant, it is always safer to have a heavy book on hand.
If Horseradish doesn't upset you enough, you can always look forward to next month's release of The Bad Beginning and The Reptile Room in paperback. If you think you know what to expect, you don't. With a startling new look and all-new art, each paperback includes HarperCollins's "The Cornucopian Cavalcade," featuring "The Spoily Brats" comic and the "What Shall I Do, Lemony Snicket?" advice column, as well as other extras for a nearly unbearable value. Are you certain you want to download a free sampler?
With all due respect,
HarperCollins Publishers
---
May: Tuesday 8th
---
Snicket in Paperback: More Misery for Less Money
---
May 2007
To the Unsuspecting Recipient,
BE ADVISED! For the first time, books in A Series of Unfortunate Events are available everywhere in paperback. No. 1: The Bad Beginning, or Orphans! and No. 2: The Reptile Room, or Murder! are luring the masses with their sensational covers, revealing illustrations, and irresponsibly low price.
Perhaps the most dangerous thrills are to be found at the back of these books, where a free supplement entitled "The Cornucopian Cavalcade" offers oddities and amusements likely to shock all but the sturdiest readers.
Do you really want to strain your heart by reading the author's "What Shall I Do, Lemony Snicket?" advice column? Will you be blinded by "The Spoily Brats" graphic serial? Can your mind possibly withstand "'Q.' A Psychic Pstory of the Psupernatural"? What about an advertisement for a hotel staffed by monkeys?
It is likely that your answers to these questions will reveal Mr. Snicket's paperback editions to be ill-suited for your personal use. If that is not the case, we cannot legally stop you from purchasing them.
With all due respectability,
HarperCollins Publishers
Daniel Handler will be appearing in San Francisco, New York, Toronto, Boston, and Portland to discuss Adverbs, his latest novel for adults, now available in paperback. Click here to learn more.
---
[Note: At this point, the AuthorTracker background changes to mimic LemonySnicket.com's paperback section.]
June: Monday 18th
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Lemonly Snicket, June 2007 - "Browse Inside" and Other Dangers
---
June 2007
Dear Concerned Citizen,
BE CAREFUL! Never have books as dangerous as those in A Series of Unfortunate Events been allowed to circulate so freely among the public.
People all over the World Wide Web are using the "Browse Inside" widget to post pages from No. 2: The Reptile Room, or Murder! and other books by Lemony Snicket to their websites.
Meanwhile, throngs are thoughtlessly entering for their chance to win free copies of the new paperbacks, which cost less and have more, including "The Spoily Brats" comic serial.
All this, despite public warnings that A Series of Unfortunate Events is fit only for the most fearless and sturdy of readers. Hopefully, you are not among them.
Cautiously yours,
HarperCollins Publishers
---
July: Thursday 19th
---
Are you ready for crude animiation from Lemony Snicket?
---
July 2007
Dear Concerned Citizen,
Are you made fainthearted by the work of Lemony Snicket?
Does the thought of strange new siblings unnerve you?
How about
CRUDE ANIMATION?
Your answers likely reveal the following brief video to be ill-suited for your personal use.
Cautiously yours,
HarperCollins Publishers
---
September: Wednesday 5th
---
Lemony Snicket: The Wide Window, Worse in Paperback!
---
September 2007
Dear Concerned Citizen,
BEWARE! In a tragic mistake, the third volume in A Series of Unfortunate Events has been made available everywhere in paperback.
It is best to avoid The Wide Window, or Disappearance! In fact, most Readers should refrain from even opening any paperback edition in this series, due to troubling advice columns by Mr. Snicket, the graphic adventures of The Spoily Brats, and other unsavory thrills.
As a public service, we the Publisher provide this quiz to test for any accidental exposure to these questionable titles. Good luck.
Cautiously yours,
HarperCollins Publishers
---
December: Thursday 6th
---
Unhappy Holidays with Lemony Snicket
---
December 2007
Dear Reader,
Few things are more likely to ruin one's holiday festivities than a book by Lemony Snicket. Consider Mr. Snicket's new book The Latke Who Couldn't Stop Screaming: A Christmas Story, which includes injustice, decorative tree ornaments, and frying.
Of course, the holidays are a curious time, when otherwise sensible people may be tempted by romping animated characters like these to do something foolish—like add one of the books in A Series of Unfortunate Events to their holiday wish lists and send it to others.
That wouldn't be a very merry idea at all, would it?
With all due respect,
HarperCollins Publishers
---
---
January: Monday 22nd
---
Lemony Snicket: Ten Unlucky Finalists Chosen
---
January 2007
Dear Reader,
We're sorry to tell you that ten unlucky finalists have been chosen from the thousands of entries submitted for The Beatrice Letters' "Worst Contest You've Ever Heard." Which three of these finalists are recorded live by Lemony Snicket in February is up to you. Rush to vote for your favorite letter before the polls close on January 31.
The Beatrice Letters contains the personal correspondence of Lemony Snicket, which is filled with all manner of distressing codes and disturbing phrases, or vice versa. Remarkably, the ten finalists in the "Worst Contest You've Ever Heard" have succeeded in making one of Mr. Snicket's most upsetting letters even more unbearable by adding their own deranged genius.
Whatever you do, you probably shouldn't return to LemonySnicket.com on February 13th to hear Lemony Snicket read the three winning letters aloud and, quite possibly, weep.
With all due respect,
HarperCollins Publishers
---
February: Wednesday 14th
---
Lemony Snicket: Snicket Reads the Worst for All to Hear
---
February 2007
Dear Reader,
There may be only one thing harder to hear than, "The Worst Contest You've Ever Heard is over," and that is the distressed voice of Lemony Snicket himself reading the winning entries, as determined by your votes, aloud.
Are you certain you want to rush to see the winning Letters and hear Mr.Snicket's personal recordings?
We didn't think so.
With all due respect,
HarperCollins Publishers
---
March: Wednesday 28th
---
Lemony Snicket: Bitter Truths You Can't Avoid
---
March 2007
Dear Reader,
If you know anything about the Baudelaire orphans, you know their lives are filled with difficulty, discomfort, and dreariness. What you may never have considered is this: so is yours.
We're sorry to tell you that, at the end of April, Lemony Snicket will publish an unsettling new book called Horseradish: Bitter Truths You Can't Avoid. In it, Mr. Snicket serves up nearly a hundred inviolable life lessons that no else would dare admit. Many are drawn from A Series of Unfortunate Events, like, "It is always cruel to laugh at people, although sometimes if they are wearing an ugly hat it is hard to control yourself." Other wisdom has been prepared by Mr. Snicket solely for this solemn publication, such as, "Everyone should be able to do one card trick, tell two jokes, and recite three poems, in case they are ever trapped in an elevator."
We are obligated to warn you about the coming distastefulness of Horseradish, but you are free to try something sweeter and more boring, like maltballs.
With all due respect,
HarperCollins Publishers
---
April: Tuesday 24th
---
Lemony Snicket: Horseradish and Other Misfortune
---
April 2007
Dear Reader,
Consuming horseradish can make your eyes tear, your nostrils flare, and your heart feel like it is on fire. For this reason, you should think twice before consuming Lemony Snicket's new book, Horseradish: Bitter Truths You Can't Avoid.
In thirteen far-reaching chapters—from "Family" to "Emotional Health," from "A Life of Mystery" to "The Mystery of Life" —Horseradish puts the unhappy mind of Mr. Snicket at your fingertips. This compendium of wisdom drawn from his published works and his unpublishable remarks is the perfect gift for loved ones and enemies alike. For, while misfortune is never pleasant, it is always safer to have a heavy book on hand.
If Horseradish doesn't upset you enough, you can always look forward to next month's release of The Bad Beginning and The Reptile Room in paperback. If you think you know what to expect, you don't. With a startling new look and all-new art, each paperback includes HarperCollins's "The Cornucopian Cavalcade," featuring "The Spoily Brats" comic and the "What Shall I Do, Lemony Snicket?" advice column, as well as other extras for a nearly unbearable value. Are you certain you want to download a free sampler?
With all due respect,
HarperCollins Publishers
---
May: Tuesday 8th
---
Snicket in Paperback: More Misery for Less Money
---
May 2007
To the Unsuspecting Recipient,
BE ADVISED! For the first time, books in A Series of Unfortunate Events are available everywhere in paperback. No. 1: The Bad Beginning, or Orphans! and No. 2: The Reptile Room, or Murder! are luring the masses with their sensational covers, revealing illustrations, and irresponsibly low price.
Perhaps the most dangerous thrills are to be found at the back of these books, where a free supplement entitled "The Cornucopian Cavalcade" offers oddities and amusements likely to shock all but the sturdiest readers.
Do you really want to strain your heart by reading the author's "What Shall I Do, Lemony Snicket?" advice column? Will you be blinded by "The Spoily Brats" graphic serial? Can your mind possibly withstand "'Q.' A Psychic Pstory of the Psupernatural"? What about an advertisement for a hotel staffed by monkeys?
It is likely that your answers to these questions will reveal Mr. Snicket's paperback editions to be ill-suited for your personal use. If that is not the case, we cannot legally stop you from purchasing them.
With all due respectability,
HarperCollins Publishers
Daniel Handler will be appearing in San Francisco, New York, Toronto, Boston, and Portland to discuss Adverbs, his latest novel for adults, now available in paperback. Click here to learn more.
---
[Note: At this point, the AuthorTracker background changes to mimic LemonySnicket.com's paperback section.]
June: Monday 18th
---
Lemonly Snicket, June 2007 - "Browse Inside" and Other Dangers
---
June 2007
Dear Concerned Citizen,
BE CAREFUL! Never have books as dangerous as those in A Series of Unfortunate Events been allowed to circulate so freely among the public.
People all over the World Wide Web are using the "Browse Inside" widget to post pages from No. 2: The Reptile Room, or Murder! and other books by Lemony Snicket to their websites.
Meanwhile, throngs are thoughtlessly entering for their chance to win free copies of the new paperbacks, which cost less and have more, including "The Spoily Brats" comic serial.
All this, despite public warnings that A Series of Unfortunate Events is fit only for the most fearless and sturdy of readers. Hopefully, you are not among them.
Cautiously yours,
HarperCollins Publishers
---
July: Thursday 19th
---
Are you ready for crude animiation from Lemony Snicket?
---
July 2007
Dear Concerned Citizen,
Are you made fainthearted by the work of Lemony Snicket?
Does the thought of strange new siblings unnerve you?
How about
CRUDE ANIMATION?
Your answers likely reveal the following brief video to be ill-suited for your personal use.
Cautiously yours,
HarperCollins Publishers
---
September: Wednesday 5th
---
Lemony Snicket: The Wide Window, Worse in Paperback!
---
September 2007
Dear Concerned Citizen,
BEWARE! In a tragic mistake, the third volume in A Series of Unfortunate Events has been made available everywhere in paperback.
It is best to avoid The Wide Window, or Disappearance! In fact, most Readers should refrain from even opening any paperback edition in this series, due to troubling advice columns by Mr. Snicket, the graphic adventures of The Spoily Brats, and other unsavory thrills.
As a public service, we the Publisher provide this quiz to test for any accidental exposure to these questionable titles. Good luck.
Cautiously yours,
HarperCollins Publishers
---
December: Thursday 6th
---
Unhappy Holidays with Lemony Snicket
---
December 2007
Dear Reader,
Few things are more likely to ruin one's holiday festivities than a book by Lemony Snicket. Consider Mr. Snicket's new book The Latke Who Couldn't Stop Screaming: A Christmas Story, which includes injustice, decorative tree ornaments, and frying.
Of course, the holidays are a curious time, when otherwise sensible people may be tempted by romping animated characters like these to do something foolish—like add one of the books in A Series of Unfortunate Events to their holiday wish lists and send it to others.
That wouldn't be a very merry idea at all, would it?
With all due respect,
HarperCollins Publishers
---