Post by Deleted on Dec 3, 2013 23:49:24 GMT -5
Dedicated to Kyle
The entire family was gathered at the house. It was nearly Christmas, and they were going to do the same thing they did every Christmas. Visit their Uncle Willis in New York City. “Attention everybody,” said Pandora expositionally. “As you know, we all live in New Zealand. Tomorrow we will all leave to go to New York to visit Uncle Willis. When I say all, I truly mean all of us. None of us will be left here, intentionally or unintentionally. Anyways, there’s the doorbell. I bet it’s the pizza that I ordered earlier, including many veggie pizzas and one plain cheese pizza.” All of the kids swarmed at the hot pizza, particularly the plain cheese pizza. “Hey you guys, let me have a piece of plain cheese pizza,” said Kyle, and he tried to shove his way in, but it was too late. All of his siblings and cousins and possibly other types of relations had already eaten it all, and he had to eat a dumb veggie piece. He went to the living room to watch the new episode of Ru Paul’s Drag race, but his big brother Dante had other plans. “We’re not watching your dumb show. We’re going to watch a documentary about agriculture.” Then he shoved Kyle because he is a mean instigator who likes to abuse his place of power. Kyle fought back and the two wrestled for the remote control. They rolled around on the floor and knocked over a lamp. BSam came running in. “What are you two doing?” Dante put on his most convincing innocent face and said “Kyle pushed me into the lamp there, after I suggested we watch Ru Paul’s Drag race.” BSam scolded Kyle, and sent him to his room. Kyle sulked up the stairs to his bedroom, where he found his cousin Lucas. Lucas’s mouth was full of Kyle’s beloved clown candles. “You’re eating them,” shrieked Kyle. “I thought they were cookies,” said Lucas with a smirk. Kyle screamed at Lucas angrily, until Pandora came in. “Kyle! Stop yelling at your cousin.” She led him to the stairway of the attic. “You’re sleeping on the third floor tonight. I don’t want to see you for the rest of the night!” Kyle stormed up the stairs, turned around and said “Yeah, well I don’t want to see you for the rest of my life!” Pandora looked at him hurt. “I hope you don’t mean that.” Kyle shot back, “I do mean that. I don’t want to see any of you ever again. I hate my family.” Pandora shut the door. Kyle peered out the window and looked at his scary next door neighbor. The old man was shoveling his sidewalk. Legend had it that he had murdered his entire family. He always scared Kyle. The man suddenly looked up at Kyle in the window. Kyle gasped and ducked down. He was so scared that he hid under the covers, eventually falling asleep.
“Okay everybody, it’s the morning now and it’s time for us to go to the airport,” said BSam. “Let’s do a quick headcount to make sure that nobody is left behind.” The author was no fool. He knew that the best way to get people to read his story was to have a lot of people in his story. “Alright, let’s all say our name to signify that we are in this story, I mean that we are present.” One by one they all said their names. BSam. Pandora. Dante. Charlie. Anka. Rellim. Linda. Lucas. Tryina. Mister M. Emma Squalor. Teleram. Pen. Sixteen. Bee. Sherry Ann. Shelly. Becca. Puchicala. Sophie. Hermes. LSWannabe. Bryan. Antenora. Songbird. Carma. Freebird. Anybody else I might have forgotten. Caw! Right at that moment, a crow flew by and said caw. “Kyle, why do you always have to say your name strange when we do this,” said Rellim. They all boarded into the buses the airport provided. The author also knew that silly inside jokes and references were also the key to a popular story. “Alright everybody, since we’re clearly all here and ready to go, let’s all sound off with our classic catchphrases!” “Who?” said BSam. “Literally,” said Pandora. “Cheery Bye,” said Bee. “What, are you pregnant,” said Pen. One by one they went down the line. “Whats up, Hot Dog?” “Do Wah doo.” “Love thy Neighbor.” “White Power!” “Cake Boss!” “Now that’s going to leave a mark.” and so on and so forth. While driving away, Charlie put his head out the window and yelled “Yay! Our entire family is going away on vacation, leaving our house empty!” Hermes grabbed Charlie and pulled him back inside. “Keep all your body parts inside of a moving vehicle, Charlie,” said Hermes sagely. As the bus full of this enormous family drove away, let’s focus now on a van that had been parked on the street. Inside of it were Terry Tumbleweed and BANDIT. “You hear that, Terry. They’re going away on vacation. This house is the silver tuna. It’s going to be full of valuables, such as VCRs and toys.” Terry grinned. “Yeah, and then after we rob it, we can leave a tumbleweed in it.” BANDIT looked over at Terry Tumbleweed. “You’re still doing that?” Terry nodded enthusiastically. “Yeah, it’s our calling card. We’re the tumbleweed BANDITS. All the greats have a calling card.” BANDIT smacked Terry Tumbleweed in the head. “Stop it, you moron. From now on, your name is just Terry.” “But,” stammered Terry. “NO BUTS,” said BANDIT. “Let’s go get something to eat, we’ll come back to rob this house later.
Kyle woke up. When he went downstairs, he was surprised that there was no line for the bathroom. He went to the kitchen, which was also empty. “Hello?” he asked out loud and was met with only echoes. He walked around the entire house, but couldn’t find anybody. He even checked outside, but he saw the cars still in the garage. “They couldn’t have gone to the airport,” he thought. He sat down, thinking about what could have happened. Then he remembered his words from the night before. “I made my family disappear?” He sat in dismay for a moment, before smiling and saying “I made my family disappear! I can do anything I want!” Kyle ran into all of his siblings rooms and messed around with their stuff. He went through Dante’s commonplace books and drew pictures of birds with teeth on every page. He grabbed noted gun enthusiast Sherry Ann’s BB gun, and used it to shoot freebird’s spiderman action figures down the laundry chute. He went to Anka’s vanity table and made himself up to look like Joanna Newsom on the cover of Ys. No picture of this event remains. He looked at the framed photograph that sat next to the mirror. “Anka, your boyfriend, woof!” The door, which had been slightly ajar, swung open and startled Kyle. That was until he realized it was just Cwistine, his sister Charlotte’s cat. She was a pathetic looking cat, with a cone around her neck due to some medical thing. I don’t even remember. “They left you here too, huh Cwistine?” He set up his iPad to play fruit ninja, which Charlotte insisted she could play, but just like every single time, she just sat there because c’mon she’s just a cat.
All of a sudden, Kyle came to a realization. “I can watch home alone!” Home Alone was one of Kyle’s favorite movies. His family never wanted to watch it though. “That’s a dumb kid’s movie,” they would say. “No it’s not! It has quality plotting, legitimately funny jokes, hijinks that everybody can enjoy, and heartwarming moments that you’ll never forget,” he would argue back. “Plus aren’t we kids? I’m not entirely sure of our age here, but the majority of us seem to be children.” But they would just scoff at the first half of his argument and get confused by the second half. Things were finally different though. He grabbed his Home Alone VHS, popped it into the VCR, and sat down to watch. It was all going great until he got to the scene with the fake movie, Angels with filthy souls. “Who is it,” said Johnny. “It’s me, Snakes. I’ve got the stuff,” said Snakes. “Leave it on the doorstep and get out of here,” said Johnny. “Alright Johnny. But what about my money,” said Snakes. “What do I owe you,” said Johnny. Snakes said some stuff about 10% and then Acey is in the bath upstairs. Listen, I’m not transcribing that whole scene. It ends with Johnny holding a gun and going “I’m gonna give you til the count of ten to get your ugly, yellow, no good kiester off my property before I pump your guts full of lead. One, two, ten,” then shooting Snakes a bunch and laughing. Then he goes “Keep the change you filthy animal.” I’ve got all the important lines at least, just trust me. So Kyle was watching, and he forgot about this scary scene and screamed ‘MOM!!!!!!!!” in unison with Kevin McCallister. “What was that,” said Terry loudly, and BANDIT shushed him. The two had just pulled up to the house, and were getting ready to rob it. Kyle heard him, and peeked out the window. He saw them grab crow bars, and go around to the back door. Kyle turned on all the lights in the house. “I thought they were gone,” said Terry. “That kid with an Australian accent was very clear when yelling out of his car window.” But they turned and ran anyways. Kyle ran to his bedroom, and hid under the bed.
“Teleram, stop spelling words backwards. You know it makes Pen cry,” said Pandora. The whole family was in a giant van, driving from Los Angeles to New York. “Why did we fly from New Zealand to Los Angeles, but now we’re driving from L.A. to New York. This is going to take days. Couldn’t we have just flown from LA to New York,” said Sherry Ann, sharp as always. “Listen,” said BSam. “I had a deal to rent a van that has the exact number of seats as there were family members coming on this trip. I’m not about to let that go to waste.” “But there’s one empty seat,” said Sherry Ann. Everybody sat in silence for a minute. “They must have screwed up at the dealership,” said BSam, and everybody breathed easy. “Bryan, did you brush your teeth? Your breath smells like a dog’s,” said Carma. “Why don’t I give you a kiss them,” teased Bryan. “Wow Kyle, I’m surprised that with all this talk of kissing dogs, you haven’t chimed in yet,” said Rellim. They were met with silence again because unlike us as readers, they didn't realize Kyle wasn't there yet. She paused for a minute, then said “Oh well, he must be napping.”
“This is ridiculous. Only a wimp would hide under the bed. And I’m not a wimp. I’m the man of the house,” said Kyle. So he thought to himself. What does a man of the house need more than anything else. “A briefcase!” he exclaimed. Kyle bundled up in his coat, put on his boots, and walked to Briefcase Plus, the local briefcase store. He looked through all of the briefcases, picking out the one he liked best, and brought it up to the counter. “Excuse me, ma’am. Is this briefcase approved by the National Briefcase Association.” The clerk looked puzzled, and checked the briefcase. “I don’t know. It doesn’t say, hon.” “Can you find out please,” he asked. The clerk called over a manager. Kyle stood and waited, not noticing the scary man from next door had entered the store, and also picked out a briefcase. He walked up to the counter as well, and looked over at Kyle. Kyle was terrified, and slowly backed up, briefcase, still in hand. “Excuse me, you have to pay for that briefcase,” said the clerk, but Kyle had run out of the store. “Shoplifter,” she yelled, and a nearby police officer started to chase him. He ran through the park, where there were people skating. He ran onto the ice himself, and hilariously slid under people’s legs. Miraculously he managed to hold onto the briefcase the entire time, but what else do you expect from the man of the house. Back in his own neighborhood, he slowly walked to his house, when he almost got hit by BANDIT’s van. BANDIT gave him a vile smile and said “Merry Christmas, little buddy.” Kyle recognized him as one of the burglars and quickly walked the other way. BANDIT looked over at Terry. “I don’t like how he looked at me. I’m following him.” Kyle turned his head and noticed the van slowly creeping towards him, so he started to run. The van also picked up speed. Kyle ran towards a church, and slinked his way into a life size nativity scene. Luckily somebody left a shepherd costume there for some reason, so Kyle put it on for a disguise. BANDIT and Terry assumed he went into the church, so they just drove away. “Whatever, that kid was weird. Anyways, let’s go back to rob that house tonight.” Terry nodded with agreement. Kyle took off the shepherd costume he managed to find quickly, then said, “When they come back, I’ll be ready. After he had left, a young couple in love also made their way to the nativity scene. “Oh, that baby Jesus is so cute,” said the girl. “Here, I’ll steal it for you, as a representation of our love that will never end,” said the boy. They embraced like a refrigerator and a magnet.
“Hey, everybody, let’s play a game,” suggested Sixteen. They had been in the car for 12 hours straight and were all going crazy. “I spy with my little eye, something Mormon.” “Linda,” said everyone in unison. “No, it was Mitt Romney,” said Sixteen. They all looked out the window and saw Mitt Romney waving at them. They all waved back. “Speaking of politics,” somebody said and then a huge fight erupted because that’s what always happens. “Songbird, stop pulling freebird’s hair,” yelled Pandora. “Listen, you’ve for some reason been cast as our mother in this story, but I’m like a year younger than you,” said Songbird. “I don’t have to be your mother to scold you. Maybe you’re an older cousin. Or maybe we’re sisters,” exclaimed Pandora. “I’m confused by how we’re all related as well,” said Sophie. “It’s been set that we’re all one family, but then moseymoo was clearly trying to seduce Dante earlier. I mean, it was blatant.” “Listen, we don’t have time to establish how we’re all related,” said BSam. “And anyways, family doesn’t necessarily have to be blood relatives. It can be a bunch of people who are friends and care about each other. When I say family in the context of say, a moral at the end of a story one might be reading, I could mean either definition and it would be applicable.” Everybody kept that in mind in case a moral appeared. “Now, let’s sing some Christmas carols,” said Shelly. “I’m Jewish,” said Songbird buzzkillingly.
Kyle ordered a pizza from Little Nero’s. “A pizza guy obviously won’t let a kid order, so I need a plan.” Now remember when I showed you the parts from when Kyle was watching Home Alone? Those are important again, so pay attention. Kyle set up the VHS to a certain part of the movie. When pizza boy rang the doorbell, he pressed play. “Who is it,” the voice from the TV asked. “It’s me, pizza boy,” said pizza boy. “Leave it on the doorstep and get out of here ,” said the TV. “Ok, but you have to pay for it,” said pizza boy. “What do I owe you,” said the TV. “$10.99. It’s pretty cheap since all you ordered is a plain cheese pizza,” said plain cheese pizza boy. Kyle put 20 dollars through the mail slot because he’s nothing if not a good tipper. The pizza boy was satisfied. “Thanks, mister.” Then Kyle cued it up to say “I’m gonna give you til the count of ten to get your ugly, yellow, no good kiester off my property before I pump your guts full of lead. One, two, ten” and then gunshot sounds. Pizza boy ran away scared, and Kyle was happy because he managed to get his mind off of being left home alone with that moment of levity. He opened the door and picked up the plain cheese pizza. “A lovely cheese pizza just for me,” he said. He sat at the window and ate it. But he also knew the BANDITs were coming, so he had to prepare.
BANDIT and Terry were pulled up outside of the house. They had expected it to be empty, but there was a huge party going on inside. Through shadows in the window, they saw people dancing back and forth, moving their arms energetically. One person seemed to be just walking around the room in a circle. “They’re supposed to be out of town, how is there a huge party going on?” Cut to inside the house, and we see that Kyle is controlling a bunch of mannequins with a string, which in itself is pretty impressive. But then on top of that, how did he get those mannequins? Did the family just have mannequins lying around? This is the only plot hole in the entire movie. Cut back to the car. “This doesn’t make sense,” said bandit. “Also, I decided to change the capitalization of my name. Anyways, let’s sit out here and wait until all the people leave.” The crooks fell asleep long before Kyle grew tired of playing with the mannequins, and soon it was daylight again. Kyle went outside, unaware the crooks were still nearby. He cut down a small Christmas tree that was growing in their yard. He was starting to feel a little lonely, and he figured doing a Christmas tradition would make him feel better. The noise he made cutting down the tree woke up Terry. He saw Kyle, and nudged bandit awake. “Look, bandit. We’ve been getting scammed by a kindygardener.” Note, in this story Kyle is in kindergarten. I probably should have said that earlier. Kyle brought in the tree that he had cut down by himself into the house. Again, let me note that a kindergartener did this. With the tree back inside, he opened the window, where he heard bandit and Terry talking. “Look, it’s just a kid. He’s home alone. Let’s go, grab a bite to eat, we’ll come back her at 9pm.” Kyle gasped in horror.
“Oh my God, is this story still going on,” said Becca. She was sitting in the car next to puchicala, while everybody else was sleeping. “Yeah, but don’t worry,” said puchicala. “People will read the first couple of paragraphs, then scan through for their name until they reach the end. A section starring Becca and puchicala? Nobody’s reading that.” “I supposed you’re right,” said Becca. “He is kind of overdoing it with the 4th wall breaking though. I mean, it was funny occasionally, but now it’s clearly just a lazy technique for when he doesn’t know how to advance a scene.” “I know,” said puchicala. “And don’t get me started about how he includes himself as both a narrator and a character. Who does he think he is, Kurt Vonnegut?” “I think it should be noted that by writing that, he is welcoming the comparison.” “Well, his ego is getting pretty big lately. Remember when he tried to write a dramatic story that one time?” “Hey, he was taking a risk! It was a creative, interesting story that was tonally different from his other work.” “Please. It was glorified fan fiction with the names changed so that other people would read it. He’s no fool, he knows people only read if they’re in the story.” Puchicala nodded. “He’s not wrong. I mean, look at how many comments this story has.” The two looked down at the comment section and smiled.
Willis sat at his desk, looking at his computer dumbfounded. “What the hell was that last paragraph,” he thought to himself. “Am I going crazy? I know I love meta jokes, but this is getting ridiculous. This is supposed to be a fun Christmas story with some funny little references to both 667ers and Home Alone. It was going so well too, if I do say so myself. But now what’s going on? Am I real, or just a character? Or am I both? Is this all some sort of allegory? Or maybe something strangely therapeutic? Does this story matter? Does anything matter?” In the midst of an existential crisis, Willis heard a knock on the door. “Oh thank goodness,” thought Willis. “My family is here. That will take my mind off of this ridiculous story.” He opened the door, and greeted the whole family. He hadn’t seen them in ages, and had missed them terribly. One by one he embraced them. “Now, where’s my favorite nephew, Kyle,” he asked. Everybody looked around, wondering where Kyle could have gone off to. “Wait, did anybody actually see him during the trip here,” asked Emma Squalor. They realized they hadn’t. “Oh my God,” said Willis dejected. “Not only is life I’m living a lie of my own creation, but for some reason I made you all forget Kyle, the one I wanted to see most.” Willis started to cry. Bee walked over to Willis. “Can’t you just go back and change what you’ve already written. Make it so that Kyle never got left behind, or just have him appear here right now,” she suggested helpfully. Willis sniffled. “I wish it were that easy, but that’s not how it works. I have to let Kyle work through it himself. Otherwise, we might never learn an important moral.” They all sat down and waited, for that was all that was left to do.
It was late afternoon, and Kyle was going for a walk by himself. He missed his family, and he was scared because bandit and Terry were soon going to be back to rob his house. Kyle walked past a church and hear beautiful singing coming from inside, so he went in. A choir was practicing for the Christmas service. He sat in a pew, closed his eyes, and prayed. “Dear God. I know I haven’t always been as well behaved as I should have been. I know I haven’t always appreciated everything. But if you bring back my family, I promise I will. When Pandora goes on and on about some salsa TV show that nobody actually cares about, I promise I’ll politely listen with a smile. Whenever Dante flexes his intellect douchily, I promise I’ll try to learn from him instead of dismissing him. I’ll appreciate all their good qualities. Bee’s inspiring encouragement, Charlie’s unabashed friendliness, Sherry Ann’s curiosity, Rellim’s enthusiasm, BSam’s wit. I value every single member of my family, and I took them all for granted. I miss them. I need them. Please God, all I want for Christmas this year is my family back. Amen.” Kyle opened his eyes. Next to him was the old man from next door. Kyle gasped, but the man smiled. “Merry Christmas,” he said. “You live next door to me, don’t you? You don’t have to be afraid. I’m Macaulay Culkin.” Kyle stared at him, and realized that it was Macauley Culkin. “You didn’t age very well,” said Kyle mischievously. “I know,” said Macaulay. “Have you been a good boy this year?” Kyle thought about it. “I may have been kind of a pain. I said some things I shouldn’t have said. I feel bad about it, because I do really like my family. Even though sometimes I say I don’t. Sometimes I even think I don’t.” Macaulay nodded. “How you feel about your family is a complicated thing. You see that boy right there in the choir? That’s one of my brothers, but I don’t know which one. There are so many of them. Anyways, I had a fight with my family, years ago. I said some things I shouldn’t have, and so did they. Now I’m not welcome with them. I have to come to church early, just to see my brother sing.” “Well, if you want to see them, why don’t you call them and apologize.” Macaulay sighed. “I’m afraid.” “Why are you afraid,” asked Kyle. “I don’t know. I just am, said Macaulay. “Call them. Even if they don’t want to talk to you, at least you’ll know.” Macaulay smiled. “Shouldn’t you be getting home now.” Kyle looked at the clock. It was nearly 9 o clock. “Merry Christmas,” said Kyle, and he hurried out of the church.
Kyle opened the front door and walked inside the house. “This is my house. I have to defend it,” he said. He got out a map of their entire house. Kyle started setting things some traps. By the time the clock struck nine, he was ready. Bandit and Terry Craig walked up to the side door. “Merry Christmas, little fella. We know that you're in there, and that you're all alone,” said bandit. “It’s Santy Claus. And his elf,” said terry with a grin. Kyle slowly poked Sherry Ann’s BB gun through the doggy door, and shot bandit in the knee. “AAAAH,” he screamed as he fell backwards. “Terry, you go through the basement door, I’ll go to the front. Little did they know that Kyle had poured water all over the steps, which had frozen. Before somebody complains, I know that this story takes place in New Zealand, and so Christmas would be in summer, but please work with me. There was already ice skating and you didn’t say anything then. When they went to the steps, they slipped and fell backwards. It was hilarious. Bandit carefully used the railing to climb up the steps. He angrily grabbed for the door handle. Little did he know, Kyle had used the glowing heat loop found in every house to heat the doorknob. Bandit grabbed it, screamed again, and hilariously fell backwards again. He put his hand in the snow to cool down the terrible burn. Meanwhile, Terry had managed to break into the basement and pulled the string to turn on the light. Unfortunately, Kyle had replaced the light with Danny Brown, and he fell on Terry’s face, leaving a Danny Brown shaped impression. Next he carefully climbed up the stairs, which Kyle had covered with slippery salami. Once again, Terry tumbled down the stairs. He was forced to eat the salami in order to climb up, which gave him a stomach ache.
Bandit went to a window at the side of the house and broke it open. He stuck his head in and laughed. “Where are you little guy?” Unfortunately, the noise caused a booby trap to fall, and hundreds of lit clown candles fell onto him, setting his hair on fire. Bandit climbed in the window in a panic, and ran to the kitchen sink. He put the fire out. Terry had finally managed to climb up the basement stairs. “Ok, we’re inside now. Let’s get him.” They walked into the living room, and saw Kyle at the top of the bannister. “You guys give up yet? Or are you thirsty for more?” They started to run up the stairs after him, but Kyle swung a briefcase on a string, smacking Terry in the face. “Why you little,” yelled bandit, but he wasn’t paying attention because Kyle had at some point obtained another briefcase, and swung that one too, this time knocking bandit down. The criminals got up, and ran up the stairs, where Kyle was waiting. He pulled a rope, and bandit and Terry looked back with fear. Tons of fruit was piled up. It was Kyle’s final booby trap. But to his’s dismay, it didn’t work. It was supposed to cause an avalanche that would leave them incapacitated, but it didn’t move. “Nice try, punk,” said Bandit, picking up a pineapple. He threw it at Kyle. Kyle put his hands up to protect himself, but there was no need. Cwistine jumped in front of him, cutting the pineapple in half with her paw. “You did it, Cwistine,” said Kyle. Cwistine lunged at Terry, and bit him in the boob. He fell backwards, and the pile of fruit fell on the two of them as was originally planned. Cwistine jumped out of the way right in time and avoided any injuries, in case you were wondering. Kyle called the police, who arrived to arrest them.
After all the ruckus, Kyle looked out the window and sighed. He still missed his family. Suddenly, he saw headlights pulling into the front drive. Uncle Willis got out of the car. Then the rest of his family, one by one. He had never been more excited to see them in his entire life. He ran down the stairs, and made it just in time for them to open the door. “Kyle, we’re so sorry,” said Pandora. “Are you alright,” said Rellim. “Yes,” said Kyle. “I went to the store. I got milk, eggs and fabric softener.” That scene wasn’t shown. “But I also learned a very valuable moral. You should never take your family for granted. Even when they drive you crazy. Treasure all the moments, for you never know when they’ll be gone. And because when it comes down to it, if you don’t have the people you love in your life, what do you have?” The whole family smiled. What a lovely message. They pulled out the old radio and played their favorite Christmas carol, “I hate you this Christmas” by Kate Nash, off of her new Christmas EP “Have Faith with Kate Nash this Christmas” now available for digital download. Then they all sat down for a highly nutritious microwavable macaroni and cheese dinner. It was the best Christmas ever. Oh and before I forget, during all the happiness, Kyle looked out the window and Macauley Culkin was hugging all his family members too, because he had called them and they learned the exact same moral!
The entire family was gathered at the house. It was nearly Christmas, and they were going to do the same thing they did every Christmas. Visit their Uncle Willis in New York City. “Attention everybody,” said Pandora expositionally. “As you know, we all live in New Zealand. Tomorrow we will all leave to go to New York to visit Uncle Willis. When I say all, I truly mean all of us. None of us will be left here, intentionally or unintentionally. Anyways, there’s the doorbell. I bet it’s the pizza that I ordered earlier, including many veggie pizzas and one plain cheese pizza.” All of the kids swarmed at the hot pizza, particularly the plain cheese pizza. “Hey you guys, let me have a piece of plain cheese pizza,” said Kyle, and he tried to shove his way in, but it was too late. All of his siblings and cousins and possibly other types of relations had already eaten it all, and he had to eat a dumb veggie piece. He went to the living room to watch the new episode of Ru Paul’s Drag race, but his big brother Dante had other plans. “We’re not watching your dumb show. We’re going to watch a documentary about agriculture.” Then he shoved Kyle because he is a mean instigator who likes to abuse his place of power. Kyle fought back and the two wrestled for the remote control. They rolled around on the floor and knocked over a lamp. BSam came running in. “What are you two doing?” Dante put on his most convincing innocent face and said “Kyle pushed me into the lamp there, after I suggested we watch Ru Paul’s Drag race.” BSam scolded Kyle, and sent him to his room. Kyle sulked up the stairs to his bedroom, where he found his cousin Lucas. Lucas’s mouth was full of Kyle’s beloved clown candles. “You’re eating them,” shrieked Kyle. “I thought they were cookies,” said Lucas with a smirk. Kyle screamed at Lucas angrily, until Pandora came in. “Kyle! Stop yelling at your cousin.” She led him to the stairway of the attic. “You’re sleeping on the third floor tonight. I don’t want to see you for the rest of the night!” Kyle stormed up the stairs, turned around and said “Yeah, well I don’t want to see you for the rest of my life!” Pandora looked at him hurt. “I hope you don’t mean that.” Kyle shot back, “I do mean that. I don’t want to see any of you ever again. I hate my family.” Pandora shut the door. Kyle peered out the window and looked at his scary next door neighbor. The old man was shoveling his sidewalk. Legend had it that he had murdered his entire family. He always scared Kyle. The man suddenly looked up at Kyle in the window. Kyle gasped and ducked down. He was so scared that he hid under the covers, eventually falling asleep.
“Okay everybody, it’s the morning now and it’s time for us to go to the airport,” said BSam. “Let’s do a quick headcount to make sure that nobody is left behind.” The author was no fool. He knew that the best way to get people to read his story was to have a lot of people in his story. “Alright, let’s all say our name to signify that we are in this story, I mean that we are present.” One by one they all said their names. BSam. Pandora. Dante. Charlie. Anka. Rellim. Linda. Lucas. Tryina. Mister M. Emma Squalor. Teleram. Pen. Sixteen. Bee. Sherry Ann. Shelly. Becca. Puchicala. Sophie. Hermes. LSWannabe. Bryan. Antenora. Songbird. Carma. Freebird. Anybody else I might have forgotten. Caw! Right at that moment, a crow flew by and said caw. “Kyle, why do you always have to say your name strange when we do this,” said Rellim. They all boarded into the buses the airport provided. The author also knew that silly inside jokes and references were also the key to a popular story. “Alright everybody, since we’re clearly all here and ready to go, let’s all sound off with our classic catchphrases!” “Who?” said BSam. “Literally,” said Pandora. “Cheery Bye,” said Bee. “What, are you pregnant,” said Pen. One by one they went down the line. “Whats up, Hot Dog?” “Do Wah doo.” “Love thy Neighbor.” “White Power!” “Cake Boss!” “Now that’s going to leave a mark.” and so on and so forth. While driving away, Charlie put his head out the window and yelled “Yay! Our entire family is going away on vacation, leaving our house empty!” Hermes grabbed Charlie and pulled him back inside. “Keep all your body parts inside of a moving vehicle, Charlie,” said Hermes sagely. As the bus full of this enormous family drove away, let’s focus now on a van that had been parked on the street. Inside of it were Terry Tumbleweed and BANDIT. “You hear that, Terry. They’re going away on vacation. This house is the silver tuna. It’s going to be full of valuables, such as VCRs and toys.” Terry grinned. “Yeah, and then after we rob it, we can leave a tumbleweed in it.” BANDIT looked over at Terry Tumbleweed. “You’re still doing that?” Terry nodded enthusiastically. “Yeah, it’s our calling card. We’re the tumbleweed BANDITS. All the greats have a calling card.” BANDIT smacked Terry Tumbleweed in the head. “Stop it, you moron. From now on, your name is just Terry.” “But,” stammered Terry. “NO BUTS,” said BANDIT. “Let’s go get something to eat, we’ll come back to rob this house later.
Kyle woke up. When he went downstairs, he was surprised that there was no line for the bathroom. He went to the kitchen, which was also empty. “Hello?” he asked out loud and was met with only echoes. He walked around the entire house, but couldn’t find anybody. He even checked outside, but he saw the cars still in the garage. “They couldn’t have gone to the airport,” he thought. He sat down, thinking about what could have happened. Then he remembered his words from the night before. “I made my family disappear?” He sat in dismay for a moment, before smiling and saying “I made my family disappear! I can do anything I want!” Kyle ran into all of his siblings rooms and messed around with their stuff. He went through Dante’s commonplace books and drew pictures of birds with teeth on every page. He grabbed noted gun enthusiast Sherry Ann’s BB gun, and used it to shoot freebird’s spiderman action figures down the laundry chute. He went to Anka’s vanity table and made himself up to look like Joanna Newsom on the cover of Ys. No picture of this event remains. He looked at the framed photograph that sat next to the mirror. “Anka, your boyfriend, woof!” The door, which had been slightly ajar, swung open and startled Kyle. That was until he realized it was just Cwistine, his sister Charlotte’s cat. She was a pathetic looking cat, with a cone around her neck due to some medical thing. I don’t even remember. “They left you here too, huh Cwistine?” He set up his iPad to play fruit ninja, which Charlotte insisted she could play, but just like every single time, she just sat there because c’mon she’s just a cat.
All of a sudden, Kyle came to a realization. “I can watch home alone!” Home Alone was one of Kyle’s favorite movies. His family never wanted to watch it though. “That’s a dumb kid’s movie,” they would say. “No it’s not! It has quality plotting, legitimately funny jokes, hijinks that everybody can enjoy, and heartwarming moments that you’ll never forget,” he would argue back. “Plus aren’t we kids? I’m not entirely sure of our age here, but the majority of us seem to be children.” But they would just scoff at the first half of his argument and get confused by the second half. Things were finally different though. He grabbed his Home Alone VHS, popped it into the VCR, and sat down to watch. It was all going great until he got to the scene with the fake movie, Angels with filthy souls. “Who is it,” said Johnny. “It’s me, Snakes. I’ve got the stuff,” said Snakes. “Leave it on the doorstep and get out of here,” said Johnny. “Alright Johnny. But what about my money,” said Snakes. “What do I owe you,” said Johnny. Snakes said some stuff about 10% and then Acey is in the bath upstairs. Listen, I’m not transcribing that whole scene. It ends with Johnny holding a gun and going “I’m gonna give you til the count of ten to get your ugly, yellow, no good kiester off my property before I pump your guts full of lead. One, two, ten,” then shooting Snakes a bunch and laughing. Then he goes “Keep the change you filthy animal.” I’ve got all the important lines at least, just trust me. So Kyle was watching, and he forgot about this scary scene and screamed ‘MOM!!!!!!!!” in unison with Kevin McCallister. “What was that,” said Terry loudly, and BANDIT shushed him. The two had just pulled up to the house, and were getting ready to rob it. Kyle heard him, and peeked out the window. He saw them grab crow bars, and go around to the back door. Kyle turned on all the lights in the house. “I thought they were gone,” said Terry. “That kid with an Australian accent was very clear when yelling out of his car window.” But they turned and ran anyways. Kyle ran to his bedroom, and hid under the bed.
“Teleram, stop spelling words backwards. You know it makes Pen cry,” said Pandora. The whole family was in a giant van, driving from Los Angeles to New York. “Why did we fly from New Zealand to Los Angeles, but now we’re driving from L.A. to New York. This is going to take days. Couldn’t we have just flown from LA to New York,” said Sherry Ann, sharp as always. “Listen,” said BSam. “I had a deal to rent a van that has the exact number of seats as there were family members coming on this trip. I’m not about to let that go to waste.” “But there’s one empty seat,” said Sherry Ann. Everybody sat in silence for a minute. “They must have screwed up at the dealership,” said BSam, and everybody breathed easy. “Bryan, did you brush your teeth? Your breath smells like a dog’s,” said Carma. “Why don’t I give you a kiss them,” teased Bryan. “Wow Kyle, I’m surprised that with all this talk of kissing dogs, you haven’t chimed in yet,” said Rellim. They were met with silence again because unlike us as readers, they didn't realize Kyle wasn't there yet. She paused for a minute, then said “Oh well, he must be napping.”
“This is ridiculous. Only a wimp would hide under the bed. And I’m not a wimp. I’m the man of the house,” said Kyle. So he thought to himself. What does a man of the house need more than anything else. “A briefcase!” he exclaimed. Kyle bundled up in his coat, put on his boots, and walked to Briefcase Plus, the local briefcase store. He looked through all of the briefcases, picking out the one he liked best, and brought it up to the counter. “Excuse me, ma’am. Is this briefcase approved by the National Briefcase Association.” The clerk looked puzzled, and checked the briefcase. “I don’t know. It doesn’t say, hon.” “Can you find out please,” he asked. The clerk called over a manager. Kyle stood and waited, not noticing the scary man from next door had entered the store, and also picked out a briefcase. He walked up to the counter as well, and looked over at Kyle. Kyle was terrified, and slowly backed up, briefcase, still in hand. “Excuse me, you have to pay for that briefcase,” said the clerk, but Kyle had run out of the store. “Shoplifter,” she yelled, and a nearby police officer started to chase him. He ran through the park, where there were people skating. He ran onto the ice himself, and hilariously slid under people’s legs. Miraculously he managed to hold onto the briefcase the entire time, but what else do you expect from the man of the house. Back in his own neighborhood, he slowly walked to his house, when he almost got hit by BANDIT’s van. BANDIT gave him a vile smile and said “Merry Christmas, little buddy.” Kyle recognized him as one of the burglars and quickly walked the other way. BANDIT looked over at Terry. “I don’t like how he looked at me. I’m following him.” Kyle turned his head and noticed the van slowly creeping towards him, so he started to run. The van also picked up speed. Kyle ran towards a church, and slinked his way into a life size nativity scene. Luckily somebody left a shepherd costume there for some reason, so Kyle put it on for a disguise. BANDIT and Terry assumed he went into the church, so they just drove away. “Whatever, that kid was weird. Anyways, let’s go back to rob that house tonight.” Terry nodded with agreement. Kyle took off the shepherd costume he managed to find quickly, then said, “When they come back, I’ll be ready. After he had left, a young couple in love also made their way to the nativity scene. “Oh, that baby Jesus is so cute,” said the girl. “Here, I’ll steal it for you, as a representation of our love that will never end,” said the boy. They embraced like a refrigerator and a magnet.
“Hey, everybody, let’s play a game,” suggested Sixteen. They had been in the car for 12 hours straight and were all going crazy. “I spy with my little eye, something Mormon.” “Linda,” said everyone in unison. “No, it was Mitt Romney,” said Sixteen. They all looked out the window and saw Mitt Romney waving at them. They all waved back. “Speaking of politics,” somebody said and then a huge fight erupted because that’s what always happens. “Songbird, stop pulling freebird’s hair,” yelled Pandora. “Listen, you’ve for some reason been cast as our mother in this story, but I’m like a year younger than you,” said Songbird. “I don’t have to be your mother to scold you. Maybe you’re an older cousin. Or maybe we’re sisters,” exclaimed Pandora. “I’m confused by how we’re all related as well,” said Sophie. “It’s been set that we’re all one family, but then moseymoo was clearly trying to seduce Dante earlier. I mean, it was blatant.” “Listen, we don’t have time to establish how we’re all related,” said BSam. “And anyways, family doesn’t necessarily have to be blood relatives. It can be a bunch of people who are friends and care about each other. When I say family in the context of say, a moral at the end of a story one might be reading, I could mean either definition and it would be applicable.” Everybody kept that in mind in case a moral appeared. “Now, let’s sing some Christmas carols,” said Shelly. “I’m Jewish,” said Songbird buzzkillingly.
Kyle ordered a pizza from Little Nero’s. “A pizza guy obviously won’t let a kid order, so I need a plan.” Now remember when I showed you the parts from when Kyle was watching Home Alone? Those are important again, so pay attention. Kyle set up the VHS to a certain part of the movie. When pizza boy rang the doorbell, he pressed play. “Who is it,” the voice from the TV asked. “It’s me, pizza boy,” said pizza boy. “Leave it on the doorstep and get out of here ,” said the TV. “Ok, but you have to pay for it,” said pizza boy. “What do I owe you,” said the TV. “$10.99. It’s pretty cheap since all you ordered is a plain cheese pizza,” said plain cheese pizza boy. Kyle put 20 dollars through the mail slot because he’s nothing if not a good tipper. The pizza boy was satisfied. “Thanks, mister.” Then Kyle cued it up to say “I’m gonna give you til the count of ten to get your ugly, yellow, no good kiester off my property before I pump your guts full of lead. One, two, ten” and then gunshot sounds. Pizza boy ran away scared, and Kyle was happy because he managed to get his mind off of being left home alone with that moment of levity. He opened the door and picked up the plain cheese pizza. “A lovely cheese pizza just for me,” he said. He sat at the window and ate it. But he also knew the BANDITs were coming, so he had to prepare.
BANDIT and Terry were pulled up outside of the house. They had expected it to be empty, but there was a huge party going on inside. Through shadows in the window, they saw people dancing back and forth, moving their arms energetically. One person seemed to be just walking around the room in a circle. “They’re supposed to be out of town, how is there a huge party going on?” Cut to inside the house, and we see that Kyle is controlling a bunch of mannequins with a string, which in itself is pretty impressive. But then on top of that, how did he get those mannequins? Did the family just have mannequins lying around? This is the only plot hole in the entire movie. Cut back to the car. “This doesn’t make sense,” said bandit. “Also, I decided to change the capitalization of my name. Anyways, let’s sit out here and wait until all the people leave.” The crooks fell asleep long before Kyle grew tired of playing with the mannequins, and soon it was daylight again. Kyle went outside, unaware the crooks were still nearby. He cut down a small Christmas tree that was growing in their yard. He was starting to feel a little lonely, and he figured doing a Christmas tradition would make him feel better. The noise he made cutting down the tree woke up Terry. He saw Kyle, and nudged bandit awake. “Look, bandit. We’ve been getting scammed by a kindygardener.” Note, in this story Kyle is in kindergarten. I probably should have said that earlier. Kyle brought in the tree that he had cut down by himself into the house. Again, let me note that a kindergartener did this. With the tree back inside, he opened the window, where he heard bandit and Terry talking. “Look, it’s just a kid. He’s home alone. Let’s go, grab a bite to eat, we’ll come back her at 9pm.” Kyle gasped in horror.
“Oh my God, is this story still going on,” said Becca. She was sitting in the car next to puchicala, while everybody else was sleeping. “Yeah, but don’t worry,” said puchicala. “People will read the first couple of paragraphs, then scan through for their name until they reach the end. A section starring Becca and puchicala? Nobody’s reading that.” “I supposed you’re right,” said Becca. “He is kind of overdoing it with the 4th wall breaking though. I mean, it was funny occasionally, but now it’s clearly just a lazy technique for when he doesn’t know how to advance a scene.” “I know,” said puchicala. “And don’t get me started about how he includes himself as both a narrator and a character. Who does he think he is, Kurt Vonnegut?” “I think it should be noted that by writing that, he is welcoming the comparison.” “Well, his ego is getting pretty big lately. Remember when he tried to write a dramatic story that one time?” “Hey, he was taking a risk! It was a creative, interesting story that was tonally different from his other work.” “Please. It was glorified fan fiction with the names changed so that other people would read it. He’s no fool, he knows people only read if they’re in the story.” Puchicala nodded. “He’s not wrong. I mean, look at how many comments this story has.” The two looked down at the comment section and smiled.
Willis sat at his desk, looking at his computer dumbfounded. “What the hell was that last paragraph,” he thought to himself. “Am I going crazy? I know I love meta jokes, but this is getting ridiculous. This is supposed to be a fun Christmas story with some funny little references to both 667ers and Home Alone. It was going so well too, if I do say so myself. But now what’s going on? Am I real, or just a character? Or am I both? Is this all some sort of allegory? Or maybe something strangely therapeutic? Does this story matter? Does anything matter?” In the midst of an existential crisis, Willis heard a knock on the door. “Oh thank goodness,” thought Willis. “My family is here. That will take my mind off of this ridiculous story.” He opened the door, and greeted the whole family. He hadn’t seen them in ages, and had missed them terribly. One by one he embraced them. “Now, where’s my favorite nephew, Kyle,” he asked. Everybody looked around, wondering where Kyle could have gone off to. “Wait, did anybody actually see him during the trip here,” asked Emma Squalor. They realized they hadn’t. “Oh my God,” said Willis dejected. “Not only is life I’m living a lie of my own creation, but for some reason I made you all forget Kyle, the one I wanted to see most.” Willis started to cry. Bee walked over to Willis. “Can’t you just go back and change what you’ve already written. Make it so that Kyle never got left behind, or just have him appear here right now,” she suggested helpfully. Willis sniffled. “I wish it were that easy, but that’s not how it works. I have to let Kyle work through it himself. Otherwise, we might never learn an important moral.” They all sat down and waited, for that was all that was left to do.
It was late afternoon, and Kyle was going for a walk by himself. He missed his family, and he was scared because bandit and Terry were soon going to be back to rob his house. Kyle walked past a church and hear beautiful singing coming from inside, so he went in. A choir was practicing for the Christmas service. He sat in a pew, closed his eyes, and prayed. “Dear God. I know I haven’t always been as well behaved as I should have been. I know I haven’t always appreciated everything. But if you bring back my family, I promise I will. When Pandora goes on and on about some salsa TV show that nobody actually cares about, I promise I’ll politely listen with a smile. Whenever Dante flexes his intellect douchily, I promise I’ll try to learn from him instead of dismissing him. I’ll appreciate all their good qualities. Bee’s inspiring encouragement, Charlie’s unabashed friendliness, Sherry Ann’s curiosity, Rellim’s enthusiasm, BSam’s wit. I value every single member of my family, and I took them all for granted. I miss them. I need them. Please God, all I want for Christmas this year is my family back. Amen.” Kyle opened his eyes. Next to him was the old man from next door. Kyle gasped, but the man smiled. “Merry Christmas,” he said. “You live next door to me, don’t you? You don’t have to be afraid. I’m Macaulay Culkin.” Kyle stared at him, and realized that it was Macauley Culkin. “You didn’t age very well,” said Kyle mischievously. “I know,” said Macaulay. “Have you been a good boy this year?” Kyle thought about it. “I may have been kind of a pain. I said some things I shouldn’t have said. I feel bad about it, because I do really like my family. Even though sometimes I say I don’t. Sometimes I even think I don’t.” Macaulay nodded. “How you feel about your family is a complicated thing. You see that boy right there in the choir? That’s one of my brothers, but I don’t know which one. There are so many of them. Anyways, I had a fight with my family, years ago. I said some things I shouldn’t have, and so did they. Now I’m not welcome with them. I have to come to church early, just to see my brother sing.” “Well, if you want to see them, why don’t you call them and apologize.” Macaulay sighed. “I’m afraid.” “Why are you afraid,” asked Kyle. “I don’t know. I just am, said Macaulay. “Call them. Even if they don’t want to talk to you, at least you’ll know.” Macaulay smiled. “Shouldn’t you be getting home now.” Kyle looked at the clock. It was nearly 9 o clock. “Merry Christmas,” said Kyle, and he hurried out of the church.
Kyle opened the front door and walked inside the house. “This is my house. I have to defend it,” he said. He got out a map of their entire house. Kyle started setting things some traps. By the time the clock struck nine, he was ready. Bandit and Terry Craig walked up to the side door. “Merry Christmas, little fella. We know that you're in there, and that you're all alone,” said bandit. “It’s Santy Claus. And his elf,” said terry with a grin. Kyle slowly poked Sherry Ann’s BB gun through the doggy door, and shot bandit in the knee. “AAAAH,” he screamed as he fell backwards. “Terry, you go through the basement door, I’ll go to the front. Little did they know that Kyle had poured water all over the steps, which had frozen. Before somebody complains, I know that this story takes place in New Zealand, and so Christmas would be in summer, but please work with me. There was already ice skating and you didn’t say anything then. When they went to the steps, they slipped and fell backwards. It was hilarious. Bandit carefully used the railing to climb up the steps. He angrily grabbed for the door handle. Little did he know, Kyle had used the glowing heat loop found in every house to heat the doorknob. Bandit grabbed it, screamed again, and hilariously fell backwards again. He put his hand in the snow to cool down the terrible burn. Meanwhile, Terry had managed to break into the basement and pulled the string to turn on the light. Unfortunately, Kyle had replaced the light with Danny Brown, and he fell on Terry’s face, leaving a Danny Brown shaped impression. Next he carefully climbed up the stairs, which Kyle had covered with slippery salami. Once again, Terry tumbled down the stairs. He was forced to eat the salami in order to climb up, which gave him a stomach ache.
Bandit went to a window at the side of the house and broke it open. He stuck his head in and laughed. “Where are you little guy?” Unfortunately, the noise caused a booby trap to fall, and hundreds of lit clown candles fell onto him, setting his hair on fire. Bandit climbed in the window in a panic, and ran to the kitchen sink. He put the fire out. Terry had finally managed to climb up the basement stairs. “Ok, we’re inside now. Let’s get him.” They walked into the living room, and saw Kyle at the top of the bannister. “You guys give up yet? Or are you thirsty for more?” They started to run up the stairs after him, but Kyle swung a briefcase on a string, smacking Terry in the face. “Why you little,” yelled bandit, but he wasn’t paying attention because Kyle had at some point obtained another briefcase, and swung that one too, this time knocking bandit down. The criminals got up, and ran up the stairs, where Kyle was waiting. He pulled a rope, and bandit and Terry looked back with fear. Tons of fruit was piled up. It was Kyle’s final booby trap. But to his’s dismay, it didn’t work. It was supposed to cause an avalanche that would leave them incapacitated, but it didn’t move. “Nice try, punk,” said Bandit, picking up a pineapple. He threw it at Kyle. Kyle put his hands up to protect himself, but there was no need. Cwistine jumped in front of him, cutting the pineapple in half with her paw. “You did it, Cwistine,” said Kyle. Cwistine lunged at Terry, and bit him in the boob. He fell backwards, and the pile of fruit fell on the two of them as was originally planned. Cwistine jumped out of the way right in time and avoided any injuries, in case you were wondering. Kyle called the police, who arrived to arrest them.
After all the ruckus, Kyle looked out the window and sighed. He still missed his family. Suddenly, he saw headlights pulling into the front drive. Uncle Willis got out of the car. Then the rest of his family, one by one. He had never been more excited to see them in his entire life. He ran down the stairs, and made it just in time for them to open the door. “Kyle, we’re so sorry,” said Pandora. “Are you alright,” said Rellim. “Yes,” said Kyle. “I went to the store. I got milk, eggs and fabric softener.” That scene wasn’t shown. “But I also learned a very valuable moral. You should never take your family for granted. Even when they drive you crazy. Treasure all the moments, for you never know when they’ll be gone. And because when it comes down to it, if you don’t have the people you love in your life, what do you have?” The whole family smiled. What a lovely message. They pulled out the old radio and played their favorite Christmas carol, “I hate you this Christmas” by Kate Nash, off of her new Christmas EP “Have Faith with Kate Nash this Christmas” now available for digital download. Then they all sat down for a highly nutritious microwavable macaroni and cheese dinner. It was the best Christmas ever. Oh and before I forget, during all the happiness, Kyle looked out the window and Macauley Culkin was hugging all his family members too, because he had called them and they learned the exact same moral!