Dante's Unpublished 667fiction: A Guide
Oct 31, 2016 3:01:55 GMT -5
Cafe SalMONAlla, Teleram, and 1 more like this
Post by Dante on Oct 31, 2016 3:01:55 GMT -5
Introduction
I’ve been inspired by Linda’s excellent index of 667fic to round off a project I’ve been meaning to take care of for a while: A run-down of the many 667fics I’ve written without ever actually publishing them on 667. Why might I have done such a thing, you ask? Why write 667fic for an audience of one? Well, it’s probably not too hard to think of an answer… but in my case, you may be surprised to hear, it was out of a desire not to offend. I was concerned about possibly representing other 667ers in ways they didn’t agree with, and if my representations weren’t accurate, that also robbed the story of some of its quality. However, having made the decision to continue writing but without publishing, offending people was in effect no longer an issue, and this perversely became a license not to care… Eventually, there came a point where my work was starting to look more like “Exhibit A,” and so I at last closed the book on writing 667fic altogether.
That was some years ago now. Now, I’ve reviewed my work and written a short entry on each unpublished 667fic, arranged in chronological order according to a rough period of composition, noting the sometimes excessive page count and including a brief synopsis and names of the 667ers involved (though often there were far too many to list). With the power of hindsight, let’s take a look back on those years of unseen work so that you can get an idea of what you’ve been missing.
The Works
Title: Divided II – Observed
Date: Mid-2005; early 2006
Pages: ~13
Synopsis: Planned, but with only a couple of chapters ever written, though it was mapped out to the extent that I wrote up a short review in the character of a hypothetical reader of the finished product. Was to feature less of a quest narrative and more an episodic exploration of the broader Internet-based setting, and on reflection would have had very little to do with 667. According to the review, I eventually shelved it after my plans grew wildly out of control and increasingly out-of-date. (“Wildly out of control” would prove to be a running theme of my fics.)
667ers: The cast of Divided, minus a few (so that the title would continue to be accurate).
Title: A Series of Unrealistic Events
Date: Mid-2005 to late 2012 (on and off)
Pages: ~300 (depending on how you slice it)
Synopsis: Possibly in parody of other attempts at a similar concept, I decided to write a 667fic version of ASoUE in the form of a line-by-line parody of the original – that is, I went through the original text of, at first, TBB, rewriting every single line to be completely absurd and replacing all the characters with 667ers. Some of the character selections were arbitrary to the point where I was scrolling through member lists for names I found fitting, but most were quite deliberate; the general tenor of the work is perhaps best summed up by the information that the N00belaire orphans were represented by Orphaned_hope13, KlausBaudelaire15, and Nina (I presume I need not state who took the role of Count Olaf). Two full volumes were completed, those being The Bratty Beginning, and, subsequent to TPP’s publication, The Next-to-last Nuisance; but throughout the years, an enormous amount of background material was created, extending to the titles of all volumes (including supplementary ones), names for all characters (whether they would ever appear or not), versions of every Gothic Archies song, satires of Christmas volumes which hadn’t even been published yet, AuthorStalker e-mails, a large number of scanned false documents – the project was a years-long outlet for whatever form of creativity I happened to feel like at the time. Despite being listed in this document, the 667fic aspect was increasingly irrelevant, and was more or less dropped for a wholly original ludicrous backstory by the time I started working on things like the Banned Edition Author’s Notes for the Morons! paperback and the preview chapters for All The Wrong Reasons, all ridiculously overdetailed.
667ers: An all-star cast.
Title: The 667 Trial
Date: Late 2005
Pages: ~20
Synopsis: Inspired by the true events of a threat to sue 667 Dark Avenue by Musether Poe (a member whose convoluted history would require a whole 667fic in itself to relate), this fic depicts the proceedings of just such a trial, with Tragedy as the defendant and every single 667er called to give evidence. Mr. Poe, whose allegations centre on his creation of a forum which ripped off 667 and which was subsequently caught in a spam war with our fair site, does not come out of things well. Unabashedly derivative of TPP, the fic features a Hotel Kafka, three anonymous judges, sections of the court obscured from each other by heavy red drapes, a pile of evidence, numerous TPP line parodies of an Unrealistic Events type, and a subplot involving the recent passing of a law permitting false reporting of a fire in a courtroom. The outlandish conclusion involves an automatic judging machine called the Adjudicatron 5000, multiple conspiracies by disguised 667ers, and false reporting of a fire in a courtroom.
667ers: An all-star cast.
Title: Divided – Legendary Power Received
Date: Early 2006
Pages: 12
Synopsis: Really only labelled as a Divided work because I felt like writing something fantastic, comic, and short, and as such didn’t want to bother establishing a new setting. Features an armour-wearing minotaur which breathes acid.
667ers: Dante, Antenora, PJ.
Title: Divided 0.5: The Pit and the Publisher
Date: Early to mid-2006
Pages: ~140
Synopsis: Inspired by the true events of the infiltration of 667 by UnfortunateEvents.com forum members intent on stirring up trouble, this fic concerns the infiltration of 667 by UnfortunateEvents.com forum members intent on stirring up trouble, at which endeavour they are wildly if incidentally successful. Clearly taking place in a post-Divided real-life chronology in terms of member representation but technically set before Divided in order to use 667 in its fantasy Internet setting, the story sees a conflict born out of cross-reporting of infiltrations and insulting statements escalate into kidnap, forum raids, and a large-scale Internet war. But the true villain is the evil power that controls UnfortunateEvents.com – none other than real-world publishers Egmont themselves. Linda and Dupin will be held captive for spying! PJ, Akbar, Robert, and Gigi will lead a force to recover and avenge them! Tragedy will reluctantly stop out of the shadows! Dante and Antenora will do most of the work as usual! This epic story of really cool member Warriors, magical concept weapons, UE Hell, grey morality, and ridiculously unequal fights poses many questions, such as: What is the true meaning of Egmont’s name? How are Matryoshka dolls involved? Which came first – the chicken or the egg? All these and more are answered in the best fic I never posted.
667ers: An all-star cast.
Title: 667 Pirates
Date: Late 2006
Pages: 12
Synopsis: An unfinished fic of only three chapters, barely really begun, this story is a sort of fusion of pirates and fantasy not unlike the Pirates of the Caribbean films – though oddly, I don’t remember ever being terribly interested in the franchise in question, so it may have been a coincidence. It is also a rare instance of a 667fic entitled “667 something” which is literally accurate, for during the story I declare there to be exactly six-hundred and sixty-seven pirates in existence. The “great” pirate PJ and his extremely motley crew have succeeded in capturing the Admin-ship Thankless from inept Pirate-Queen All Due Respect, but the captain falls victim to a clever mutiny begun by a pair of recent captives. In the background, an enigmatic prisoner of the Net Ocean’s Royal Navy forms an alliance of evil aimed at obtaining the legendary Ghost Conch…
667ers: PJ, Linda, Jemima, Sora, All Due Respect, Dante, Antenora, Tragedy (or rather, a mystery character I think I intended to be Tragedy).
Title: Hatram, Hatram – Who?
Date: Late 2006
Pages: 18
Synopsis: Inoffensive nobody Hatramroany is inexplicably selected as the arbitrary butt of my cruel humour in this parody of Scooby-Doo. Shoehorned into the role of loveably abuseable hound, Hatram is motivated into action not with the promise of dog treats but rather with the threat of a “Hatram Hit” – a swift clubbing with a baseball bat. On rereading, the mystery is surprisingly legit.
667ers: Dante, Antenora, Akbar, PJ, and Hatramroany in the role of investigators; Derik, Triangle Eyes, and All Due Respect as suspects; Dupin as the poor sucker in the cold open who gets scared off by a bizarre monster.
Title: 667-Hell
Date: Early to mid-2007
Pages: ~170
Synopsis: I quite enjoyed the early chapters of 667 Hell: ADR’s Revenge, but was disappointed when the surreal thread-inspired events of BSam’s Part 3 were effectively ignored by the rest of the story. In response, I privately began my own continuation of the story from the events of Part 3, which became a sprawling 667-politific epic. 667ers, politicians, dictators and literal demons clash on an amazing journey, from the 667 conference at the Watergate hotel to the hidden White House graveyard to Hell itself (it’s in the title!) to the Internet and back to Hell and then back to the Internet. Originally written in non-chronological order, I later went back through the story, put the chapters in chronological order, and then wrote interstitial chapters to link the whole thing together.
667ers: An all-star cast, most of whom die, possibly repeatedly.
Title: In Perfect Unity
Date: Mid-2007
Pages: 111
Synopsis: Tragedy is ordered by his father, the President of the United States, to pilot the revolutionary Colossian against the J-Viruses attacking the world – and begins a crusade through a labyrinth woven from Biblical allusion, numerology, metafiction, time loops, and the strings on every person’s back.
667ers: An all-star cast, most of whom are irrelevant.
Title: Mid667er Murders
Date: Late 2007
Pages: 24
Synopsis: 667 is reimagined as a superficially sleepy village which is actually a hotbed of intrigue and murderous passion, in this parody of cosy murder mystery TV series Midsomer Murders. As in the best episodes of that show, nearly everyone involved ends up dead. On rereading, the mystery is surprisingly legit.
667ers: Dante, Antenora, Tragedy, PJ, BSam, Gigi, Cybermystery, J., Robert.
Title: Secret Conspiracy Files X
Date: Early 2008
Pages: ~115
Synopsis: An outrageous 667-Hell-style fic which practically defies summary. Though it begins as an investigation into a humble haunted mansion, the scope explodes outwards to involve a Satanist conspiracy of child-abusing world leaders, Osama bin Laden, real fictional characters, good doppelgangers, space terrorists, a giant robot made out of an ancient Egyptian statue, Saddam Hussein’s weapons of mass destruction, Cthulhu, Planet Y, a giant robot made out of the Earth’s tectonic plates, Thetans, a paranormal death battle between the 2008 presidential candidates, a giant robot made out of giant robots made out of aliens, Magical Terrorist forms, and a brain with a jetpack. Reaches a definitive conclusion but appears to be nonetheless unfinished, as the story ends with a chapter heading for an unwritten chapter.
667ers: Dante, Antenora, Tragedy, All Due Respect, PJ, Jemima.
Title: Tricksixsix’s Game
Date: Mid-2012
Pages: 66
Synopsis: Inspired by the true events of Bryan’s “death” at 667’s tenth-anniversary ball, and marking the point at which my mean sense of humour finally crosses the line into genuine mental illness, this fic concerns the takeover of 667 during its anniversary celebrations by a mysterious and demoniacal Saw-like antagonist called Tricksixsix, who promptly subjects various 667ers to entertaining murder games in which they are hilariously tortured to death. A revolt by the survivors of this minefield of ironic deaths and maimings brings them ever-closer to unravelling a conspiracy hatched by 667’s most notorious villains. At one point Tragedy is motivated into action with the promise of dog treats.
667ers: An all-star cast, most of whom die, possibly repeatedly.
I’ve been inspired by Linda’s excellent index of 667fic to round off a project I’ve been meaning to take care of for a while: A run-down of the many 667fics I’ve written without ever actually publishing them on 667. Why might I have done such a thing, you ask? Why write 667fic for an audience of one? Well, it’s probably not too hard to think of an answer… but in my case, you may be surprised to hear, it was out of a desire not to offend. I was concerned about possibly representing other 667ers in ways they didn’t agree with, and if my representations weren’t accurate, that also robbed the story of some of its quality. However, having made the decision to continue writing but without publishing, offending people was in effect no longer an issue, and this perversely became a license not to care… Eventually, there came a point where my work was starting to look more like “Exhibit A,” and so I at last closed the book on writing 667fic altogether.
That was some years ago now. Now, I’ve reviewed my work and written a short entry on each unpublished 667fic, arranged in chronological order according to a rough period of composition, noting the sometimes excessive page count and including a brief synopsis and names of the 667ers involved (though often there were far too many to list). With the power of hindsight, let’s take a look back on those years of unseen work so that you can get an idea of what you’ve been missing.
The Works
Title: Divided II – Observed
Date: Mid-2005; early 2006
Pages: ~13
Synopsis: Planned, but with only a couple of chapters ever written, though it was mapped out to the extent that I wrote up a short review in the character of a hypothetical reader of the finished product. Was to feature less of a quest narrative and more an episodic exploration of the broader Internet-based setting, and on reflection would have had very little to do with 667. According to the review, I eventually shelved it after my plans grew wildly out of control and increasingly out-of-date. (“Wildly out of control” would prove to be a running theme of my fics.)
667ers: The cast of Divided, minus a few (so that the title would continue to be accurate).
Title: A Series of Unrealistic Events
Date: Mid-2005 to late 2012 (on and off)
Pages: ~300 (depending on how you slice it)
Synopsis: Possibly in parody of other attempts at a similar concept, I decided to write a 667fic version of ASoUE in the form of a line-by-line parody of the original – that is, I went through the original text of, at first, TBB, rewriting every single line to be completely absurd and replacing all the characters with 667ers. Some of the character selections were arbitrary to the point where I was scrolling through member lists for names I found fitting, but most were quite deliberate; the general tenor of the work is perhaps best summed up by the information that the N00belaire orphans were represented by Orphaned_hope13, KlausBaudelaire15, and Nina (I presume I need not state who took the role of Count Olaf). Two full volumes were completed, those being The Bratty Beginning, and, subsequent to TPP’s publication, The Next-to-last Nuisance; but throughout the years, an enormous amount of background material was created, extending to the titles of all volumes (including supplementary ones), names for all characters (whether they would ever appear or not), versions of every Gothic Archies song, satires of Christmas volumes which hadn’t even been published yet, AuthorStalker e-mails, a large number of scanned false documents – the project was a years-long outlet for whatever form of creativity I happened to feel like at the time. Despite being listed in this document, the 667fic aspect was increasingly irrelevant, and was more or less dropped for a wholly original ludicrous backstory by the time I started working on things like the Banned Edition Author’s Notes for the Morons! paperback and the preview chapters for All The Wrong Reasons, all ridiculously overdetailed.
667ers: An all-star cast.
Title: The 667 Trial
Date: Late 2005
Pages: ~20
Synopsis: Inspired by the true events of a threat to sue 667 Dark Avenue by Musether Poe (a member whose convoluted history would require a whole 667fic in itself to relate), this fic depicts the proceedings of just such a trial, with Tragedy as the defendant and every single 667er called to give evidence. Mr. Poe, whose allegations centre on his creation of a forum which ripped off 667 and which was subsequently caught in a spam war with our fair site, does not come out of things well. Unabashedly derivative of TPP, the fic features a Hotel Kafka, three anonymous judges, sections of the court obscured from each other by heavy red drapes, a pile of evidence, numerous TPP line parodies of an Unrealistic Events type, and a subplot involving the recent passing of a law permitting false reporting of a fire in a courtroom. The outlandish conclusion involves an automatic judging machine called the Adjudicatron 5000, multiple conspiracies by disguised 667ers, and false reporting of a fire in a courtroom.
667ers: An all-star cast.
Title: Divided – Legendary Power Received
Date: Early 2006
Pages: 12
Synopsis: Really only labelled as a Divided work because I felt like writing something fantastic, comic, and short, and as such didn’t want to bother establishing a new setting. Features an armour-wearing minotaur which breathes acid.
667ers: Dante, Antenora, PJ.
Title: Divided 0.5: The Pit and the Publisher
Date: Early to mid-2006
Pages: ~140
Synopsis: Inspired by the true events of the infiltration of 667 by UnfortunateEvents.com forum members intent on stirring up trouble, this fic concerns the infiltration of 667 by UnfortunateEvents.com forum members intent on stirring up trouble, at which endeavour they are wildly if incidentally successful. Clearly taking place in a post-Divided real-life chronology in terms of member representation but technically set before Divided in order to use 667 in its fantasy Internet setting, the story sees a conflict born out of cross-reporting of infiltrations and insulting statements escalate into kidnap, forum raids, and a large-scale Internet war. But the true villain is the evil power that controls UnfortunateEvents.com – none other than real-world publishers Egmont themselves. Linda and Dupin will be held captive for spying! PJ, Akbar, Robert, and Gigi will lead a force to recover and avenge them! Tragedy will reluctantly stop out of the shadows! Dante and Antenora will do most of the work as usual! This epic story of really cool member Warriors, magical concept weapons, UE Hell, grey morality, and ridiculously unequal fights poses many questions, such as: What is the true meaning of Egmont’s name? How are Matryoshka dolls involved? Which came first – the chicken or the egg? All these and more are answered in the best fic I never posted.
667ers: An all-star cast.
Title: 667 Pirates
Date: Late 2006
Pages: 12
Synopsis: An unfinished fic of only three chapters, barely really begun, this story is a sort of fusion of pirates and fantasy not unlike the Pirates of the Caribbean films – though oddly, I don’t remember ever being terribly interested in the franchise in question, so it may have been a coincidence. It is also a rare instance of a 667fic entitled “667 something” which is literally accurate, for during the story I declare there to be exactly six-hundred and sixty-seven pirates in existence. The “great” pirate PJ and his extremely motley crew have succeeded in capturing the Admin-ship Thankless from inept Pirate-Queen All Due Respect, but the captain falls victim to a clever mutiny begun by a pair of recent captives. In the background, an enigmatic prisoner of the Net Ocean’s Royal Navy forms an alliance of evil aimed at obtaining the legendary Ghost Conch…
667ers: PJ, Linda, Jemima, Sora, All Due Respect, Dante, Antenora, Tragedy (or rather, a mystery character I think I intended to be Tragedy).
Title: Hatram, Hatram – Who?
Date: Late 2006
Pages: 18
Synopsis: Inoffensive nobody Hatramroany is inexplicably selected as the arbitrary butt of my cruel humour in this parody of Scooby-Doo. Shoehorned into the role of loveably abuseable hound, Hatram is motivated into action not with the promise of dog treats but rather with the threat of a “Hatram Hit” – a swift clubbing with a baseball bat. On rereading, the mystery is surprisingly legit.
667ers: Dante, Antenora, Akbar, PJ, and Hatramroany in the role of investigators; Derik, Triangle Eyes, and All Due Respect as suspects; Dupin as the poor sucker in the cold open who gets scared off by a bizarre monster.
Title: 667-Hell
Date: Early to mid-2007
Pages: ~170
Synopsis: I quite enjoyed the early chapters of 667 Hell: ADR’s Revenge, but was disappointed when the surreal thread-inspired events of BSam’s Part 3 were effectively ignored by the rest of the story. In response, I privately began my own continuation of the story from the events of Part 3, which became a sprawling 667-politific epic. 667ers, politicians, dictators and literal demons clash on an amazing journey, from the 667 conference at the Watergate hotel to the hidden White House graveyard to Hell itself (it’s in the title!) to the Internet and back to Hell and then back to the Internet. Originally written in non-chronological order, I later went back through the story, put the chapters in chronological order, and then wrote interstitial chapters to link the whole thing together.
667ers: An all-star cast, most of whom die, possibly repeatedly.
Title: In Perfect Unity
Date: Mid-2007
Pages: 111
Synopsis: Tragedy is ordered by his father, the President of the United States, to pilot the revolutionary Colossian against the J-Viruses attacking the world – and begins a crusade through a labyrinth woven from Biblical allusion, numerology, metafiction, time loops, and the strings on every person’s back.
667ers: An all-star cast, most of whom are irrelevant.
Title: Mid667er Murders
Date: Late 2007
Pages: 24
Synopsis: 667 is reimagined as a superficially sleepy village which is actually a hotbed of intrigue and murderous passion, in this parody of cosy murder mystery TV series Midsomer Murders. As in the best episodes of that show, nearly everyone involved ends up dead. On rereading, the mystery is surprisingly legit.
667ers: Dante, Antenora, Tragedy, PJ, BSam, Gigi, Cybermystery, J., Robert.
Title: Secret Conspiracy Files X
Date: Early 2008
Pages: ~115
Synopsis: An outrageous 667-Hell-style fic which practically defies summary. Though it begins as an investigation into a humble haunted mansion, the scope explodes outwards to involve a Satanist conspiracy of child-abusing world leaders, Osama bin Laden, real fictional characters, good doppelgangers, space terrorists, a giant robot made out of an ancient Egyptian statue, Saddam Hussein’s weapons of mass destruction, Cthulhu, Planet Y, a giant robot made out of the Earth’s tectonic plates, Thetans, a paranormal death battle between the 2008 presidential candidates, a giant robot made out of giant robots made out of aliens, Magical Terrorist forms, and a brain with a jetpack. Reaches a definitive conclusion but appears to be nonetheless unfinished, as the story ends with a chapter heading for an unwritten chapter.
667ers: Dante, Antenora, Tragedy, All Due Respect, PJ, Jemima.
Title: Tricksixsix’s Game
Date: Mid-2012
Pages: 66
Synopsis: Inspired by the true events of Bryan’s “death” at 667’s tenth-anniversary ball, and marking the point at which my mean sense of humour finally crosses the line into genuine mental illness, this fic concerns the takeover of 667 during its anniversary celebrations by a mysterious and demoniacal Saw-like antagonist called Tricksixsix, who promptly subjects various 667ers to entertaining murder games in which they are hilariously tortured to death. A revolt by the survivors of this minefield of ironic deaths and maimings brings them ever-closer to unravelling a conspiracy hatched by 667’s most notorious villains. At one point Tragedy is motivated into action with the promise of dog treats.
667ers: An all-star cast, most of whom die, possibly repeatedly.