montrac4
Catastrophic Captain
Posts: 70
Likes: 45
|
Post by montrac4 on Mar 29, 2018 19:05:59 GMT -5
So I write poetry and I thought I may as well share one of my poems. Most of my poems are far too explicit to post here, I'm quite sure. However this one isn't. This poem is about a character from one of the screenplays I wrote. Celia My Darling Celia my darling, you are divine, sweet, smart, funny, and kind. Honey, I love you. and my love for you is greater than time. Somehow, no matter where I stand, you are always running through my mind,
especially when we aren't with each other.
Oh my sweet lover, you have my heart, and if we were ever to part ways,
I think I would fall apart.
When I first saw you, it was like a movie. My first thought was, Oh my God who is she? Please let her be the one! You opened your mouth and once you spoke, I was instantly paralyzed by your beauty.
Your voice was a sweetly intoxicating aroma,
I inhaled it deeply without a second thought, and it went straight to my heart. You asked me, if I was okay, and I said that I was. You obviously didn't buy it, because you said I didn't look it.
It was in that moment that I knew that we were fated to intertwine, Oh how I wanted to drown in your sexy blue eyes. I had never been so quickly magnetized, by someone before, and your aura was pleasantly warm, alluring.
I wanted to know you, to prove myself worthy of your love. It was not lust,
I simply didn't want to just ravish you once and be done.
No I wanted your everything
and you gave it to me. I gave you my everything as well.
Your love is like nothing of this planet, and I am beyond grateful to have it.
Oh and your kisses are like precious red wine. Our Love is greater than time.
I am yours, and you are mine,
and together we are two, not one. You will always have my heart my love. Even when death shall do us part, it will still be yours. Till the end of time, and forevermore.
|
|
|
Post by Reba on Mar 29, 2018 21:46:28 GMT -5
hello, your poem was so goddamn terrible that i wanted to rewrite it, but i still couldn't salvage it. oh well, it was fun.
O Celia. My dear divine and kind I love you, and my love for you is greater Than time. No matter where I’m standing later As now, you still are running through my mind,
Especial times when we aren't with each other. O, have my heart, if ever parted we, I think that it would follow its sweet lover Before ‘twould stay inside my chest with me.
Though first I saw, I second thought, my God, Please let her be the one whose mouth will speak In my ear only—when began to leak These words from ‘twixt your lips, my body awed
And paralyzed, though still I found the force To deep inhale your voice’s drunken scent; Without a second thought I gave consent To let it fill my heart, through veins to course.
You asked if something caused me now to ail, —Why no—but sweeping deeper, in eyes blue And glimmering concern, ’twas clear you knew The thought of twining fates had made me pale.
I’d never been so quickly drawn before, To someone and their warmth, I’d never run So quickly to the proof of love in store For those unravished, they whose love is done
For good. Now I am grateful for details Like enigmatic love, your lips on mine, A bottle drained and drizzling red wine, On high, the smallest taste my mind derails;
A doubled love divine makes steady climb, Nay, both our loves have sprouted greater Than time, will slow no later Than time, all time.
|
|
|
Post by Reba on Mar 30, 2018 0:00:09 GMT -5
As if art is ranked from good to bad it is i already said that i just used everything he did! that does annoy me, but i think he was looking for approval, and i WON'T give it. what do you think of that, quisby?
|
|
|
Post by Reba on Mar 30, 2018 0:16:07 GMT -5
unless you’re trying to say that one form is inherently better yes. although i didn't say mine was better. although it is. they're both terrible because of subject matter, i was just trying to point my boy montrac4 to a truer form.
|
|
|
Post by A comet crashing into Earth on Mar 30, 2018 3:28:27 GMT -5
Bear, even if your poem were a hundred times better than Montrac's (I wouldn't know, as I only read the one this thread is actually about), what you're doing is horrible and you should stop immediately.
Montrac, I applaud your creative efforts. Is the poem itself from your screenplay, or is it just about a character from it? If it actually appears in the screenplay, I'm curious about the context of it.
|
|
|
Post by Poe's Coats Host Toast on Mar 30, 2018 12:34:05 GMT -5
One thing I applaud is to flesh out a character from one's screenplay or novel (or other long-form story) by writing things from the character's point of view--be it poetry, diary entries, or even compiling music playlists the character might listen to (I think Tarantino once said he does that sometimes)--even if it never appears in the final product. Now Idk if this poem will be in your screenplay, and I don't find it (the poem) interesting or well-written, but what's apparent is that you, the author really felt what the narrator is talking about. I think this would really get you into your character's head space, and your knowledge of the character will show in your screenplay.
|
|
|
Post by Reba on Mar 30, 2018 13:05:15 GMT -5
Bear, even if your poem were a hundred times better than Montrac's (I wouldn't know, as I only read the one this thread is actually about), what you're doing is horrible and you should stop immediately. nice try fool, i think you're the horrible one for your ridiculously false flattery. if i hadn't broken the ice with the only critique appropriate for this abominable poem, either this thread would have gotten no replies at all, or people like you would have bent over backwards to give your hollow comments a positive spin.
|
|
|
Post by penne on Mar 30, 2018 13:16:21 GMT -5
hey u could be critical w/o being a total dick, ever thought of that
|
|
|
Post by Poe's Coats Host Toast on Mar 30, 2018 20:20:47 GMT -5
tbh when you post your poetry to strangers on the internet (since OP hasn't posted much on 667 yet), you should know there's a high likelihood of being critiqued rudely. what montrac should know, is that this forum is generally friendlier than that and it's just bear's style to be blunt (which i find helpful at times), and not to be taken personally. a worse likely alternative is that there'd be no responses. i think bear at least showed that he read montrac's poem attentively by posting his re-write--even though it was probably misguided--instead of just saying "it sucks" and leaving it at that. anyway, everybody's gotta start somewhere and no writer started off any good from the start, so if you're having fun, keep doing what you do, montrac.
|
|
montrac4
Catastrophic Captain
Posts: 70
Likes: 45
|
Post by montrac4 on Mar 30, 2018 21:05:12 GMT -5
Bear, even if your poem were a hundred times better than Montrac's (I wouldn't know, as I only read the one this thread is actually about), what you're doing is horrible and you should stop immediately. Montrac, I applaud your creative efforts. Is the poem itself from your screenplay, or is it just about a character from it? If it actually appears in the screenplay, I'm curious about the context of it. A tiny portion of this poem is in the screenplay, yes. I chose to expand it to delve into the mind of the protagonist a bit further. I wrote that screenplay when I was in high school though. In all honestly I'll probably end up rewriting the whole thing, which I am currently doing to a different script I did in 2015.
|
|
montrac4
Catastrophic Captain
Posts: 70
Likes: 45
|
Post by montrac4 on Mar 30, 2018 21:56:31 GMT -5
Here are two shorter poems that I wrote a few weeks ago. Seeds of Life Some say the first time is tragic, Unless your lover has experience in the realm of magic. You get to plant the seeds of life in her garden. No life can be born as it is enchanted. Yes, the garden is cloaked with a spell of protection.
Restless Darling, I am restless without you by my side. Your absence leaves me a mess, stings like a knife thrust into my chest. I want nothing more than to lay my head upon thy breast, how I miss the warmth of your sweet caress. However, there is one thing I know, and it is that you will soon return. Knowing that really is all that I need to go on.
|
|
montrac4
Catastrophic Captain
Posts: 70
Likes: 45
|
Post by montrac4 on Mar 31, 2018 14:31:10 GMT -5
I can’t decide how literally to take the first poem and I don’t know if it was intended to be at least a little amusing but no matter where you put it on the literal-metaphorical scale I think it’s hilarious She probably doesn’t have a literal garden in her pants but I choose to believe that the birth control magic is literal and not a metaphor and no one can convince me otherwise It wasn't meant to be serious lol.
|
|
montrac4
Catastrophic Captain
Posts: 70
Likes: 45
|
Post by montrac4 on May 24, 2018 8:47:06 GMT -5
This is my latest poem you might enjoy this more than the other ones I shared.
Happy But Not Really
I am happy but not really
I am satisfied but not fully
There is something that I am missing,
And the absence of said thing leaves me stressing.
My emotions are all over the place.
My mood is constantly scrambled,
Love is quite a gamble,
and I haven’t any money to start with.
This loneliness is draining, exacerbates my fears
I’m so sad, but I can’t even cry tears.
My soul is weeping,
my romantic aura bleeding.
It cannot thrive as my heart is starving when it needs to be feeding.
My happiness often fleeting
vanishes into a pit of despair.
I find my fragile heart entrapped in a snare.
Yes It can be freed with a kiss a lover,
though only she can end my despair with that lovely intoxicating smother.
|
|