The Mystery of the Missing 667ers: A Christmas Story

[Christmas Chief]

Prologue

667 Dark Avenue was a five-story residential hotel located in a charming and bustling city. Although its exterior was grand, and its streets were busy, the building attracted surprisingly little attention. One reason for this was that it was somewhat hidden away by several large oak trees a family had planted long before the street was even called Dark Avenue. Another reason was that the residents preferred not to draw too much attention to themselves. The few passersby who asked their companions what the building was for were often told that it was a publishing house. Denizens of 667 never did much to correct this rumor, and in fact some were proud of it. In short, the world was generally quiet there.

That changed on Christmas Eve night.

Table of Contents

Chapter 1. Awfully Ancient Archives

Chapter 2. Alarming Announcements

Chapter 3. Foreboding Feedback

Chapter 4. Aggravating Art

Chapter 5. Menacing Miscellaneous

Chapter 6. Acrimonious Administration

Chapter 7. Ruefully Restricted

Chapter 8. Wretchedly Wrong Questions

Chapter 9. Burdensome Books

Chapter 10. Ghastly Games

Chapter 11. Chaotic Creativity

Epilogue

Supplementary Material

Blueprint

Photo Notes & Credits

~~~

I’m not much of a (fiction) writer, but I was inspired to write this tale after remembering how much I enjoyed reading Sixteen ’s A Dark Avenue Carol around Christmastime many years ago. I didn’t reread Carol before writing this, as I was afraid of copying too much, but I’m sure you may see themes or ideas repeated from there or from other 667fic that are buried in my subconscious.

Edit: Throughout the story, I have linked to the profiles of characters as they appear. Their profiles may or may not assist you in solving the mystery before the clock runs out.

I hope this intrigues, entertains, or at least amuses you!

[Christmas Chief]

Chapter 1. Awfully Ancient Archives

It was the night of Christmas Eve, and Christmas Chief was balancing on top of a ladder in the Awfully Ancient Archives. The Archives rested in the basement of 667 Dark Avenue, where mobile aisle shelves housed the building’s closed discussions and open secrets. Standing lamps gave the room a warm incandescent glow, but without the usual daytime browsers the basement felt cold and lonely. Sherry Ann felt ridiculous wearing her dark green “Merry Ann” sweater and Santa hat in such an abandoned place. She had places she would rather be on Christmas Eve, like upstairs in the lobby. Still, there were files to sort, and she had asked to be the building administrator. With a sigh, she got back to work.

“Are you done yet?” The voice of the building owner startled her over the intercom.

“No, sir,” she responded, “There are more files than usual this year.”

“Well, hurry up,” the voice snapped, “We have guests arriving in less than 24 hours, and I have a long list of administrative tasks for you to do.”

The demanding voice on the intercom was a far cry from the figure Sherry Ann had seen in a photograph earlier that evening. In the photograph, the building owner stood in front of a 667 Dark Avenue fully decorated for Christmas, laughing and smiling with people Sherry Ann didn’t recognize. The photograph was sorted under “Boring Business,” a section only the administrator and one of the building owner’s close friends were able to access. For some reason, the owner didn’t want the general public to see it. She didn’t know why. It was one of the only photos Sherry Ann knew of where the building owner was visible - let alone smiling. She returned to taping files shut.

When she had finished the last stack, she descended the ladder and rotated the handle attached to the nearest mobile shelf to open section Ma-Mc. On the back wall, two vaults jutted out side by side. One was in excellent condition; the other had fallen into disrepair, though maintenance insisted they had found it that way. Technically, only three people had the code to the vaults, but many were known to sneak in. To be fair, the code was fairly easy to guess.

She entered “667” on the cam lock to access Dastardly Documents and withdrew the file she needed: “Sorting Instructions for the Archives: Humor, Comedy, Absurdity.” She had written this file herself and now regretted having to follow all of its technical instructions. She was about to close the vault when she noticed a small bit of paper sticking out from a taped file.

The red word caught her eye: “SUBJECTS.” Curious, she undid the tape on the file. Below was a list of letters: FG, GL, LC, BR, WW. The date on the file was recent - December 1, 2020. Dante had gone away that day and wasn’t expected to return until tomorrow morning. Had the building owner approved it? She would check with him later. For now, she tucked it in her bag and finished sorting the last batch of documents. With her work in the Archives finished for the night, she shut off the lights and took the stairs back up to the lobby.

[Marlowe]

Did you draw that illustration yourself, Sherry Ann?

[Dante]

A promising and intriguing opening. I've missed this sort of 667fic; the physical manifestation of the website, the reinterpretation of our roles, the sometimes bizarre storylines with which we intersect. I shall be paying close attention to this thread!

[B.]

I love it

[Christmas Chief]

Thank you, Dante and Bee! I'm looking forward to your thoughts and predictions as the story unfolds.

Dec 16, 2020 23:49:46 GMT -5 Marlowe said:

Did you draw that illustration yourself, Sherry Ann?

I did not, but of the chapter illustrations this is the most heavily photoshopped. I wasn't sure if people would know what mobile aisle shelving was (I didn't even know what it was called when I was trying to describe it), so I wanted to have an image.

[Christmas Chief]

Chapter 2. Alarming Announcements

The sounds of conversation, orders, bells, and caroling filled the bustling lobby. Residents gathered in small groups; former residents arrived in from the cold; B. , the Lobby Manager, ordered the youngest residents to finish hanging the Christmas decorations.

“Let’s go, people, four more hours til Christmas,” she cheered. Her long red dress skimmed the lobby floor. Golden lace along her sleeves spelled “Happy Holidays.”

“Oh, excuse me, Bee,” a gentleman wearing an overcoat and hood, and carrying a cocktail in his left hand, bumped into Bee. “Someone just bumped me right into you. He must be in a hurry. Could you point me to the coat room?”

“Aye,” Bee replied, for she was Scottish. “Through the archway to yer left, behind the main desk. It’s a dreich day. Haste ye back!” Then, remembering she barely had an accent, added, “Um … take your time.”

“Bee,” R. , one of the young residents Bee was bossing around, started.

“Call me Brr,” Bee insisted festively.

“Brr, we’ve been decorating for hours,” roxy222 complained.

“Yeah,” Ewok50 , another young resident, agreed, “And you never even let me pass around my signature cocktail.”

“You’re underage,” Bee retorted, “And, anyway, Festive Grape Cocktails? That’s not a cocktail. That’s a mistake.”

“I printed labels out for them and everything,” ewok40 said to himself sadly.

Local guides in the city celebrated the lobby for its elegant yet cozy design. The walls and ceiling were made of dark wood, except for the stone fireplace a few yards (meters) away from the entrance. Bee had arranged plush chairs in small pods to facilitate conversation, while reserving a few small tables for those who wished to simply read - though that would have been difficult for even the most focused reader on this busy night.

Bee stood on the front desk and rang the Alarming Announcement bell to gain everyone’s attention. At barely five feet tall (152 centimeters), she needed the extra height to be seen. The bell was a formality, though - people listened to Bee when she spoke.

“Attention, attention!” she cried. “Welcome residents old and new to 667’s annual Christmas Festivities! As you know, the party is tomorrow, but that doesn’t mean we can’t have fun tonight. Refreshments will be passed out beginning at 8:30. Your usual rooms have been prepared in the residential wing, and the keys are available behind the front desk.” She gestured to the pegs behind the front desk, where bronze keys hung with numbers emblazoned on their heads. “If you have any questions, we have extra volunteers working tonight: gothicarchiesfan , roxy222, and ewok40 can help you.”

“We didn’t volunteer!” roxy222 protested.

“This is everything wrong with V.F.D.,” ewok40 agreed.

“At your service,” gothicarchiesfan said, for he actually had volunteered.

“Enjoy your stay, everyone - !” Bee started. But before she could finish her sentence, the lights went out and the fire from the fireplace vanished. For a moment, it was silent. Then worried chatter and exclamations erupted as people bumped into each other trying to find a friend, their bag, an exit.

Of all the buildings on Dark Avenue, nights were darkest at 667. Grand oak trees blocked most of the moonlight and starlight from entering the building, even after the leaves had fallen in the winter. Although this meant that guests slept very well, it also meant that blackouts were very inconvenient. Sherry Ann, who had been enjoying a conversation with Sixteen , elbowed her way to the back of the lobby to switch on the backup generator.

The simple overhead chandeliers illuminated once again. People blinked as their eyes adjusted to the light. Skelly Craig climbed down from a bookshelf. MisterM dropped gothicarchiesfan’s hand, realizing it wasn’t Anka ’s. Esmé's meme is meh sheepishly returned handfuls of peppermints to their bowl on the front desk.

“Is everyone all right?” Bee shouted.

The 667ers took stock of each other and their belongings.

“No,” a voice called from the archway to the coat room.

ewok40 was missing.

[Hermes]

Och, I really like the depiction of Bee.

(More coherent comments to follow.)

[Deleted]

Not ewok40!

[Optimism is my Phil-osophy]

This is really interesting. A case of disappearance between us.

[Marlowe]

Dec 17, 2020 9:35:17 GMT -5 Christmas Chief said:

Thank you, Dante and Bee! I'm looking forward to your thoughts and predictions as the story unfolds.

Dec 16, 2020 23:49:46 GMT -5 Marlowe said:

Did you draw that illustration yourself, Sherry Ann?

I did not, but of the chapter illustrations this is the most heavily photoshopped. I wasn't sure if people would know what mobile aisle shelving was (I didn't even know what it was called when I was trying to describe it), so I wanted to have an image.

Oh, I was referring to the image you had at the top, the blue painting of the penthouse building. May I ask where you found it? It looks very nice.

[Hermes]

Well, I've been looking forward to this ever since the banner appeared. Have we had any 667fic recently? And I do remember you as a writer from days of old - Thirteen Fatal Errors was a famous contribution to the world of Snicket.

It's a fascinating story so far. I'm wondering how closely it maps on to reality. Is Boring Business indeed inaccessible to everyone except the admin and a close friend of the owner? Meanwhile, why Ma-Mc? What is the singificance of the initials? (I have an idea about what WW might stand for, but none of the others.) Who is the gentleman in the hood? Much remains to be seen.

I'm guessing I will appear when we reach the penthouse?

[Christmas Chief]

Thanks for the comments!

Dec 17, 2020 17:16:17 GMT -5 Marlowe said:

Oh, I was referring to the image you had at the top, the blue painting of the penthouse building. May I ask where you found it? It looks very nice.

Ah. The title image is a building I found that I overlayed with the painted, blue texture and some snowflakes. The original is more photo-like. I'll be using it again later on in the story, so I won't post my source just yet to keep that fourth wall alive ... but I can PM you if you're extra-eager!

Dec 17, 2020 19:12:45 GMT -5 Hermes said:

Well, I've been looking forward to this ever since the banner appeared. Have we had any 667fic recently? And I do remember you as a writer from days of old - Thirteen Fatal Errors was a famous contribution to the world of Snicket.

Oh gosh. I had to Google TFE because I genuinely did not remember ever finishing a Snicket fic. 667 Wrong Questions has been in the back of my mind, and I think I do reuse some ideas from it in this story, but I never finished Wrong Questions in large part because I started posting it before I finished writing it. It turns out that's a surefire way to lock yourself into sticky plot corners.

It's a fascinating story so far. I'm wondering how closely it maps on to reality. Is Boring Business indeed inaccessible to everyone except the admin and a close friend of the owner? Meanwhile, why Ma-Mc? What is the singificance of the initials? (I have an idea about what WW might stand for, but none of the others.) Who is the gentleman in the hood? Much remains to be seen.

I'm guessing I will appear when we reach the penthouse?

Great questions!

[B.]

I forgot BBusiness existed but it hasn't been posted in since like 2015

[R.]

Thank you so much for putting me in the story! It’s brilliant, and I’m excited for the next chapter.