The Ropy Rewrite
Jan 7, 2021 10:05:03 GMT -5
Poe's Coats Host Toast, gothicarchiesfan, and 4 more like this
Post by the panopticountolaf on Jan 7, 2021 10:05:03 GMT -5
LEMONY SNICKET’S
A Series Of Unfortunate Events:
THE ROPY REWRITE
<0> <0> <0>
Based on the books
THE BAD BEGINNING
THE REPTILE ROOM
THE WIDE WINDOW
by
Lemony Snicket
<0> <0> <0>
and the screenplay by
DANIEL HANDLER
and
ROBERT GORDON
<0> <0> <0>
written by
CORDY SOL OTTINGER
(The STUDIO LOGOS grace the screen. FADE IN on the--)
EXT. WONDERFUL WOODLAND -- DAY
(THE LITTLEST ELF jumps out of his HOUSE, and giggles as the MUSIC swells and the WOODLAND CHORUS begins to sing “Loverly Spring”.)
WOODLAND CHORUS (O.S.)
Dum, dum-a-lee
Do, dah-a-lee
Dum-deedle-e-doo!
Dah-dah-dah-dee
Do-dah-dah-dee
Singin’ a tune!
Daffi-dell-dillies
Are wakin’ in bloom!
Burstin’ in bloom
All the flowers assume
It’s a
Loverly!
Loverly!
Sprin-
(There’s a RECORD SCRATCH and the LITTLEST ELF freezes.)
LEMONY (V.O.)
I’m sorry to tell you that this is not the film you are watching.
(The LITTLEST ELF quite literally melts as the film disintegrates. There’s the now-cliche film countdown before a simple, somber TITLECARD reading “THIS FILM IS DEDICATED TO BEATRICE -- DARLING, DEAREST, DEAD” appears. FADE IN on LEMONY SNICKET, the narrator of our story, in his--)
INT. CLOCK TOWER HIDEOUT -- DAY
[PRODUCTION NOTE: LEMONY’S FACE SHOULD BE CONCEALED AT ALL TIMES.]
LEMONY (V.O.)
In fact, if you enjoy stories with happy endings, you would be better off viewing some other motion picture.
(LEMONY sits down in a RICKETY WOODEN CHAIR.)
LEMONY (V.O.)
In this film, not only is there no happy ending, there is no happy beginning and very few happy things in the middle. This is because not very many happy things happened in the lives of the three Baudelaire children. Violet, Klaus, and Sunny Baudelaire were charming, intelligent, and resourceful, but they were also incredibly unlucky, and most everything that happened to them was rife with misfortune, sadness, and woe. My name is Lemony Snicket. I have sworn to tell this story and bring a villain’s heinous crimes to light. You, however, have no such obligation. This is why I am imploring you to stop watching this film immediately and turn your attention to something less disturbing. It might be best for everyone if we pretended that the film ends now.
(There is a grand, John Williams-esque fanfare as an ornate TITLECARD reading “THE END” is clumsily superimposed onto the screen. The MUSIC reaches its end and the screen goes black. FADE IN on LEMONY, who is looking out at the audience with a mixture of disbelief and dismay.)
LEMONY (V.O.)
Well, don’t say you weren’t warned.
(beat)
Our story begins one cloudy day at Briny Beach. Now, where did I put that-?
(he rummages through the disorganized contents of his desk)
There.
(LEMONY shows the audience a PHOTOGRAPH of a large MANSION.)
LEMONY (V.O.) (gesturing to the PHOTOGRAPH)
This is the Baudelaire mansion. It is -- it was -- located at the heart of a dirty and busy city, not too far from where you live now.
(The audience is pulled into the PHOTOGRAPH; with the CLICK OF AN ANTIQUE CAMERA we are in the moment.)
EXT. BAUDELAIRE MANSION -- DAY
(MR. and MRS. BAUDELAIRE, facing away from the camera, wave goodbye to their CHILDREN as a TROLLEY takes them towards BRINY BEACH.)
INT/EXT. TROLLEY -- DAY
LEMONY (V.O, CONT.)
The city was so busy and so dirty that the Baudelaire children would often take a rickety trolley to Briny Beach, to get some fresh air.
(The TROLLEY rumbles past a SIGN that reads “CITY LIMITS. TURN BACK WHILE YOU STILL CAN.”)
LEMONY (V.O.)
“Rickety”, as I’m sure you know, is a word which here means “unstable” or “likely to collapse”.
(The TROLLEY stops at a small STATION. KLAUS drops a LARGE BRONZE COIN into the trolley’s COINBOX.)
LEMONY (V.O.)
The beach was covered in fog, but this did not bother the Baudelaires much.
EXT. BRINY BEACH -- DAY
(As the BAUDELAIRES walk out onto the beach, VIOLET holds her hand up and out, to check for rain. A SIREN can be heard off in the distance.)
LEMONY (V.O.)
When the weather was nice, Briny Beach was crowded with tourists.
(The BEACH is suddenly packed with A LARGE CROWD OF PEOPLE, building sandcastles, eating ice-creams, sunbathing, and the like.)
LEMONY (V.O.)
On days like the one in question, the beach was empty, and the Baudelaires were free to do as they wished.
(The BEACH is empty once again. VIOLET sets down the PICNIC BASKET she has been carrying while KLAUS sets down SUNNY.)
LEMONY (V.O.)
Each had their own agenda.
(A SMOOTH STONE skips across the calm waters of BRINY BEACH and away into the distance. The camera turns to reveal the skipper -- VIOLET BAUDELAIRE.)
LEMONY (V.O.)
Violet Baudelaire, the eldest, was skipping rocks. Like most fourteen year olds, she was right-handed. Unlike most fourteen year olds, she was one of the finest inventors the world has ever known.
(VIOLET begins to tie her hair up with a RIBBON.)
LEMONY (V.O.)
Anyone who knew Violet well could tell that she was thinking hard about an invention when she tied her hair up with a ribbon.
INT. BAUDELAIRE MANSION -- FLASHBACK -- DAY
(Several LETTERS fall through the MAILSLOT of the mansion’s FRONT DOOR. Through an INGENIOUS INVENTION, a BELL is rung.)
LEMONY (V.O.)
Violet’s mind was a playground filled with levers, pulleys, and gears--
BRINY BEACH -- DAY
(VIOLET finishes tying up her hair.)
LEMONY (V.O, CONT.)
--and she could not be distracted by something as trivial as her hair.
(VIOLET rummages through an OVERFLOWING RUBBISH BIN.)
LEMONY (V.O.)
The abandoned--
(VIOLET pulls out a LONE PERAMBULATOR WHEEL.)
LEMONY (V.O.)
--the unloved--
(VIOLET pulls out a MILKCRATE.)
LEMONY (V.O.)
--and the misplaced--
(VIOLET shakes the sand out of the REMAINS OF A TYPEWRITER.)
LEMONY (V.O.)
--were Violet’s treasures.
(We watch VIOLET as she assembles her next great INVENTION.)
LEMONY (V.O.)
She brought them all together...
(VIOLET throws another SKIPPING STONE. It skips, lands in her ROCK RETRIEVER (made from the PERAMBULATOR WHEEL, the MILKCRATE, and the REMAINS OF THE TYPEWRITER), and skips back towards the shore, where VIOLET catches it. She smiles to herself.)
LEMONY (V.O.)
...and made amazing things happen.
(We pan over now to KLAUS, who is polishing his GLASSES.)
LEMONY (V.O.)
Klaus Baudelaire, the middle child, was exploring tidal pools. Like most twelve year olds, he did not want his shoes to get wet.
(KLAUS puts his GLASSES back on and takes off his SHOES and SOCKS.)
LEMONY (V.O.)
Unlike most twelve year olds, he was a voracious reader, and had read all about the animals he might find.
(KLAUS, now barefoot, walks through a TIDAL POOL. We pan up to find him reading a BOOK ON TIDAL POOLS.)
LEMONY (V.O.)
The Baudelaire mansion had an enormous library...
INT. BAUDELAIRE LIBRARY -- FLASHBACK -- DAY
(KLAUS, standing on a LADDER, scours the BOOKSHELVES for something new to read.)
LEMONY (V.O, CONT.)
...filled with thousands of books on nearly every subject.
(Pushing on the floor, KLAUS slides the LADDER across the BOOKSHELF, mumbling something.)
LEMONY (V.O.)
Klaus loved nothing more than to spend his day in the library, learning about everything he could think of and several things he couldn’t.
(Surrounded by SEVERAL TALL PILES OF BOOKS, KLAUS blows the dust off of a COMICALLY LARGE BOOK.)
LEMONY (V.O.)
Klaus’s mind was just as well-ordered as the Baudelaire library...
(We see KLAUS organizing the CARD CATALOG.)
LEMONY (V.O.)
...and everything he read, he remembered.
(KLAUS leans out from behind the BOOK ON TIDAL POOLS. He reaches his hand out...)
EXT. BRINY BEACH -- DAY
(...and touches a SEA STAR, which flails its arms around. We now pan over to SUNNY.)
LEMONY (V.O.)
Sunny, the youngest Baudelaire, was combing the beach for pieces of driftwood.
(SUNNY crawls quickly along the edge of the water.)
LEMONY (V.O.)
Like most infants, she could not walk. Unlike most infants, she had four very sharp teeth, which she used to bite things.
(SUNNY comes across an INTERESTINGLY SHAPED PIECE OF DRIFTWOOD, which she puts into her mouth.)
INT. BAUDELAIRE MANSION DINING ROOM -- FLASHBACK -- DAY
(Under the DINING TABLE, SUNNY chews on a TABLE LEG.)
LEMONY (V.O.)
Table legs,
SUNNY’S BEDROOM
(SUNNY gnaws on a RAW CARROT.)
LEMONY (V.O, CONT.)
carrots,
LIVING ROOM
(SUNNY accidentally knocks over a set of STACKING RINGS as she pulls one off to bite it.)
LEMONY (V.O.)
and stacking rings were just some of the many,
(A SHORT MONTAGE of SUNNY chewing on VARIOUS HOUSEHOLD OBJECTS.)
LEMONY (V.O, CONT.)
many, many things that Sunny would teethe on.
FAMILY ROOM
(The BAUDELAIRE CHILDREN are playing A GAME OF SCRABBLE. SUNNY takes a TILE off of her TRAY, bites it, and places it on the BOARD, spelling out THE WORD “GA”. VIOLET and KLAUS look at her; KLAUS is unimpressed, while VIOLET is amused. SUNNY laughs and claps her hands.)
LEMONY (V.O.)
There was very little that Sunny did not enjoy biting.
EXT. BRINY BEACH -- DAY
(SUNNY weighs a PIECE OF DRIFTWOOD in each hand. She chooses one and gets to work.)
LEMONY (V.O.)
Sunny was at an age when one mostly speaks in unintelligible shrieks. Only her family could decipher what she was saying. For instance, today she was saying--
SUNNY (lowering the DRIFTWOOD)
Gack!
LEMONY (V.O.)
--over and over again. My research indicates that “Gack!” meant something along the lines of “Look at that mysterious figure walking along the beach!”
SUNNY (beginning to fuss)
Gack… Gack!
(KLAUS lowers his BOOK to look at SUNNY. He and VIOLET walk towards SUNNY.)
KLAUS (picking up SUNNY)
Hey, hey... It’s okay... it’s okay.
(The CHILDREN look out into the SWIRLING FOG, where the SILHOUETTE OF A MYSTERIOUS FIGURE can be seen.)
VIOLET
Who is that?
KLAUS
...I’m not sure.
SUNNY
Emkem?
VIOLET (looking around nervously)
No, there’s nobody else on the beach...
(There is a moment of tension. VIOLET clenches the SKIPPING STONE she’s holding in her hand. KLAUS holds SUNNY closer. Suddenly, VIOLET relaxes.)
VIOLET
It’s Mr. Poe.
KLAUS
From the bank?
(VIOLET nods.)
KLAUS
Are you sure?
(THE MYSTERIOUS FIGURE (MR. POE) COUGHS LOUDLY as the features of his face become clear.)
SUNNY
Umystak!
VIOLET
...How do you do?
KLAUS
How do you do?
SUNNY
Odo yow?
MR. POE
(coughs) Fine, thank you, children.
(A HORRIBLE SILENCE. The CHILDREN share a glance.)
VIOLET
It’s a nice day.
MR. POE
Yes. Yes, it is. I’m afraid I have some heavy news for you children. (coughs)
(MORE HORRIBLE SILENCE. When the CHILDREN do not answer, POE continues.)
MR. POE
Your parents have perished in a terrible fire.
(Focus on the BAUDELAIRES, shocked and saddened, as MR. POE starts prattling. His voice ECHOS, as if it is very far away.)
MR. POE
They perished in a terrible fire... not that there are many nice ones... that destroyed your entire home. (he coughs) The Official Fire Department came, of course, but by then it was much too late. Your house burned to the ground.
(he coughs again)
“Perished” means “killed”, by the way...
(The THICK FOG, which has been slowly closing in on the BAUDELAIRES since MR. POE began speaking, covers them. The FOG becomes SMOKE from the...)
INT/EXT. REMAINS OF MANSION -- DAY
<0> <0> <0>
Hello, 667ers! I’ve never written a screenplay before, but I’ve been wanting to do this for ages, so here I am! I’m actually a little surprised no-one’s published a rewrite before.
I plan on rewriting the whole film, so watch this thread for updates. Comments and constructive criticism are much appreciated!
A Series Of Unfortunate Events:
THE ROPY REWRITE
<0> <0> <0>
Based on the books
THE BAD BEGINNING
THE REPTILE ROOM
THE WIDE WINDOW
by
Lemony Snicket
<0> <0> <0>
and the screenplay by
DANIEL HANDLER
and
ROBERT GORDON
<0> <0> <0>
written by
CORDY SOL OTTINGER
(The STUDIO LOGOS grace the screen. FADE IN on the--)
EXT. WONDERFUL WOODLAND -- DAY
(THE LITTLEST ELF jumps out of his HOUSE, and giggles as the MUSIC swells and the WOODLAND CHORUS begins to sing “Loverly Spring”.)
WOODLAND CHORUS (O.S.)
Dum, dum-a-lee
Do, dah-a-lee
Dum-deedle-e-doo!
Dah-dah-dah-dee
Do-dah-dah-dee
Singin’ a tune!
Daffi-dell-dillies
Are wakin’ in bloom!
Burstin’ in bloom
All the flowers assume
It’s a
Loverly!
Loverly!
Sprin-
(There’s a RECORD SCRATCH and the LITTLEST ELF freezes.)
LEMONY (V.O.)
I’m sorry to tell you that this is not the film you are watching.
(The LITTLEST ELF quite literally melts as the film disintegrates. There’s the now-cliche film countdown before a simple, somber TITLECARD reading “THIS FILM IS DEDICATED TO BEATRICE -- DARLING, DEAREST, DEAD” appears. FADE IN on LEMONY SNICKET, the narrator of our story, in his--)
INT. CLOCK TOWER HIDEOUT -- DAY
[PRODUCTION NOTE: LEMONY’S FACE SHOULD BE CONCEALED AT ALL TIMES.]
LEMONY (V.O.)
In fact, if you enjoy stories with happy endings, you would be better off viewing some other motion picture.
(LEMONY sits down in a RICKETY WOODEN CHAIR.)
LEMONY (V.O.)
In this film, not only is there no happy ending, there is no happy beginning and very few happy things in the middle. This is because not very many happy things happened in the lives of the three Baudelaire children. Violet, Klaus, and Sunny Baudelaire were charming, intelligent, and resourceful, but they were also incredibly unlucky, and most everything that happened to them was rife with misfortune, sadness, and woe. My name is Lemony Snicket. I have sworn to tell this story and bring a villain’s heinous crimes to light. You, however, have no such obligation. This is why I am imploring you to stop watching this film immediately and turn your attention to something less disturbing. It might be best for everyone if we pretended that the film ends now.
(There is a grand, John Williams-esque fanfare as an ornate TITLECARD reading “THE END” is clumsily superimposed onto the screen. The MUSIC reaches its end and the screen goes black. FADE IN on LEMONY, who is looking out at the audience with a mixture of disbelief and dismay.)
LEMONY (V.O.)
Well, don’t say you weren’t warned.
(beat)
Our story begins one cloudy day at Briny Beach. Now, where did I put that-?
(he rummages through the disorganized contents of his desk)
There.
(LEMONY shows the audience a PHOTOGRAPH of a large MANSION.)
LEMONY (V.O.) (gesturing to the PHOTOGRAPH)
This is the Baudelaire mansion. It is -- it was -- located at the heart of a dirty and busy city, not too far from where you live now.
(The audience is pulled into the PHOTOGRAPH; with the CLICK OF AN ANTIQUE CAMERA we are in the moment.)
EXT. BAUDELAIRE MANSION -- DAY
(MR. and MRS. BAUDELAIRE, facing away from the camera, wave goodbye to their CHILDREN as a TROLLEY takes them towards BRINY BEACH.)
INT/EXT. TROLLEY -- DAY
LEMONY (V.O, CONT.)
The city was so busy and so dirty that the Baudelaire children would often take a rickety trolley to Briny Beach, to get some fresh air.
(The TROLLEY rumbles past a SIGN that reads “CITY LIMITS. TURN BACK WHILE YOU STILL CAN.”)
LEMONY (V.O.)
“Rickety”, as I’m sure you know, is a word which here means “unstable” or “likely to collapse”.
(The TROLLEY stops at a small STATION. KLAUS drops a LARGE BRONZE COIN into the trolley’s COINBOX.)
LEMONY (V.O.)
The beach was covered in fog, but this did not bother the Baudelaires much.
EXT. BRINY BEACH -- DAY
(As the BAUDELAIRES walk out onto the beach, VIOLET holds her hand up and out, to check for rain. A SIREN can be heard off in the distance.)
LEMONY (V.O.)
When the weather was nice, Briny Beach was crowded with tourists.
(The BEACH is suddenly packed with A LARGE CROWD OF PEOPLE, building sandcastles, eating ice-creams, sunbathing, and the like.)
LEMONY (V.O.)
On days like the one in question, the beach was empty, and the Baudelaires were free to do as they wished.
(The BEACH is empty once again. VIOLET sets down the PICNIC BASKET she has been carrying while KLAUS sets down SUNNY.)
LEMONY (V.O.)
Each had their own agenda.
(A SMOOTH STONE skips across the calm waters of BRINY BEACH and away into the distance. The camera turns to reveal the skipper -- VIOLET BAUDELAIRE.)
LEMONY (V.O.)
Violet Baudelaire, the eldest, was skipping rocks. Like most fourteen year olds, she was right-handed. Unlike most fourteen year olds, she was one of the finest inventors the world has ever known.
(VIOLET begins to tie her hair up with a RIBBON.)
LEMONY (V.O.)
Anyone who knew Violet well could tell that she was thinking hard about an invention when she tied her hair up with a ribbon.
INT. BAUDELAIRE MANSION -- FLASHBACK -- DAY
(Several LETTERS fall through the MAILSLOT of the mansion’s FRONT DOOR. Through an INGENIOUS INVENTION, a BELL is rung.)
LEMONY (V.O.)
Violet’s mind was a playground filled with levers, pulleys, and gears--
BRINY BEACH -- DAY
(VIOLET finishes tying up her hair.)
LEMONY (V.O, CONT.)
--and she could not be distracted by something as trivial as her hair.
(VIOLET rummages through an OVERFLOWING RUBBISH BIN.)
LEMONY (V.O.)
The abandoned--
(VIOLET pulls out a LONE PERAMBULATOR WHEEL.)
LEMONY (V.O.)
--the unloved--
(VIOLET pulls out a MILKCRATE.)
LEMONY (V.O.)
--and the misplaced--
(VIOLET shakes the sand out of the REMAINS OF A TYPEWRITER.)
LEMONY (V.O.)
--were Violet’s treasures.
(We watch VIOLET as she assembles her next great INVENTION.)
LEMONY (V.O.)
She brought them all together...
(VIOLET throws another SKIPPING STONE. It skips, lands in her ROCK RETRIEVER (made from the PERAMBULATOR WHEEL, the MILKCRATE, and the REMAINS OF THE TYPEWRITER), and skips back towards the shore, where VIOLET catches it. She smiles to herself.)
LEMONY (V.O.)
...and made amazing things happen.
(We pan over now to KLAUS, who is polishing his GLASSES.)
LEMONY (V.O.)
Klaus Baudelaire, the middle child, was exploring tidal pools. Like most twelve year olds, he did not want his shoes to get wet.
(KLAUS puts his GLASSES back on and takes off his SHOES and SOCKS.)
LEMONY (V.O.)
Unlike most twelve year olds, he was a voracious reader, and had read all about the animals he might find.
(KLAUS, now barefoot, walks through a TIDAL POOL. We pan up to find him reading a BOOK ON TIDAL POOLS.)
LEMONY (V.O.)
The Baudelaire mansion had an enormous library...
INT. BAUDELAIRE LIBRARY -- FLASHBACK -- DAY
(KLAUS, standing on a LADDER, scours the BOOKSHELVES for something new to read.)
LEMONY (V.O, CONT.)
...filled with thousands of books on nearly every subject.
(Pushing on the floor, KLAUS slides the LADDER across the BOOKSHELF, mumbling something.)
LEMONY (V.O.)
Klaus loved nothing more than to spend his day in the library, learning about everything he could think of and several things he couldn’t.
(Surrounded by SEVERAL TALL PILES OF BOOKS, KLAUS blows the dust off of a COMICALLY LARGE BOOK.)
LEMONY (V.O.)
Klaus’s mind was just as well-ordered as the Baudelaire library...
(We see KLAUS organizing the CARD CATALOG.)
LEMONY (V.O.)
...and everything he read, he remembered.
(KLAUS leans out from behind the BOOK ON TIDAL POOLS. He reaches his hand out...)
EXT. BRINY BEACH -- DAY
(...and touches a SEA STAR, which flails its arms around. We now pan over to SUNNY.)
LEMONY (V.O.)
Sunny, the youngest Baudelaire, was combing the beach for pieces of driftwood.
(SUNNY crawls quickly along the edge of the water.)
LEMONY (V.O.)
Like most infants, she could not walk. Unlike most infants, she had four very sharp teeth, which she used to bite things.
(SUNNY comes across an INTERESTINGLY SHAPED PIECE OF DRIFTWOOD, which she puts into her mouth.)
INT. BAUDELAIRE MANSION DINING ROOM -- FLASHBACK -- DAY
(Under the DINING TABLE, SUNNY chews on a TABLE LEG.)
LEMONY (V.O.)
Table legs,
SUNNY’S BEDROOM
(SUNNY gnaws on a RAW CARROT.)
LEMONY (V.O, CONT.)
carrots,
LIVING ROOM
(SUNNY accidentally knocks over a set of STACKING RINGS as she pulls one off to bite it.)
LEMONY (V.O.)
and stacking rings were just some of the many,
(A SHORT MONTAGE of SUNNY chewing on VARIOUS HOUSEHOLD OBJECTS.)
LEMONY (V.O, CONT.)
many, many things that Sunny would teethe on.
FAMILY ROOM
(The BAUDELAIRE CHILDREN are playing A GAME OF SCRABBLE. SUNNY takes a TILE off of her TRAY, bites it, and places it on the BOARD, spelling out THE WORD “GA”. VIOLET and KLAUS look at her; KLAUS is unimpressed, while VIOLET is amused. SUNNY laughs and claps her hands.)
LEMONY (V.O.)
There was very little that Sunny did not enjoy biting.
EXT. BRINY BEACH -- DAY
(SUNNY weighs a PIECE OF DRIFTWOOD in each hand. She chooses one and gets to work.)
LEMONY (V.O.)
Sunny was at an age when one mostly speaks in unintelligible shrieks. Only her family could decipher what she was saying. For instance, today she was saying--
SUNNY (lowering the DRIFTWOOD)
Gack!
LEMONY (V.O.)
--over and over again. My research indicates that “Gack!” meant something along the lines of “Look at that mysterious figure walking along the beach!”
SUNNY (beginning to fuss)
Gack… Gack!
(KLAUS lowers his BOOK to look at SUNNY. He and VIOLET walk towards SUNNY.)
KLAUS (picking up SUNNY)
Hey, hey... It’s okay... it’s okay.
(The CHILDREN look out into the SWIRLING FOG, where the SILHOUETTE OF A MYSTERIOUS FIGURE can be seen.)
VIOLET
Who is that?
KLAUS
...I’m not sure.
SUNNY
Emkem?
VIOLET (looking around nervously)
No, there’s nobody else on the beach...
(There is a moment of tension. VIOLET clenches the SKIPPING STONE she’s holding in her hand. KLAUS holds SUNNY closer. Suddenly, VIOLET relaxes.)
VIOLET
It’s Mr. Poe.
KLAUS
From the bank?
(VIOLET nods.)
KLAUS
Are you sure?
(THE MYSTERIOUS FIGURE (MR. POE) COUGHS LOUDLY as the features of his face become clear.)
SUNNY
Umystak!
VIOLET
...How do you do?
KLAUS
How do you do?
SUNNY
Odo yow?
MR. POE
(coughs) Fine, thank you, children.
(A HORRIBLE SILENCE. The CHILDREN share a glance.)
VIOLET
It’s a nice day.
MR. POE
Yes. Yes, it is. I’m afraid I have some heavy news for you children. (coughs)
(MORE HORRIBLE SILENCE. When the CHILDREN do not answer, POE continues.)
MR. POE
Your parents have perished in a terrible fire.
(Focus on the BAUDELAIRES, shocked and saddened, as MR. POE starts prattling. His voice ECHOS, as if it is very far away.)
MR. POE
They perished in a terrible fire... not that there are many nice ones... that destroyed your entire home. (he coughs) The Official Fire Department came, of course, but by then it was much too late. Your house burned to the ground.
(he coughs again)
“Perished” means “killed”, by the way...
(The THICK FOG, which has been slowly closing in on the BAUDELAIRES since MR. POE began speaking, covers them. The FOG becomes SMOKE from the...)
INT/EXT. REMAINS OF MANSION -- DAY
<0> <0> <0>
Hello, 667ers! I’ve never written a screenplay before, but I’ve been wanting to do this for ages, so here I am! I’m actually a little surprised no-one’s published a rewrite before.
I plan on rewriting the whole film, so watch this thread for updates. Comments and constructive criticism are much appreciated!