The noise in the auditorium was almost deafening. So much had already happened in the first day of presentations, and there was so much to discuss. Everyone was quite engrossed in their conversations, and as a result almost nobody noticed when the piano showed up rather suddenly on stage.
"Look at that ominous yet intriguing piano that just materialized on stage!" shouted a voice from the front of the room, or maybe it was the back.
"Perhaps it's a Vibra-Fonic Deluxe!"
"Hey! I heard that!"
"That's it! This is the key to solving the mystery!"
"Don't go near it! It's a vessel for Dante's wandering soul, which is looking for a new host!"
"Go near it! There might be volunteers that are desperate for help trapped inside!"
"I want to know where the heck this stage crew was for the past thirteen awards shows!"
"This reminds me of the time when I [REDACTED] [REDACTED] [REDACTED] cheese thieves [REDACTED [REDACTED] earthquake [REDACTED] [REDACTED] [REDACTED] hit the meter maid with a [REDACTED] [REDACTED] [REDACTED] and then I solved world [REDACTED] [REDACTED]! Good times!"
"There's a mysterious creature carved into the wood of that piano!"
"There's a hideous face carved into the wood of that piano!"
"There's an obscene illustration carved into the wood of that piano!"
"There's someone right behind you!"
"There's no hope left for any of us!"
"Tell me something I don't know!"
"I'm going to play the piano!"
"I'm going to get out of here!"
"I'm going to get another drink!"
"I'm going to stop talking because the author is running out of witty and bizarre things for us to say!"
"Me too!"
"Me three!"
"Aye!"
"Me three-and-one-half!"
"I will as well!"
The audience settled down in their seats as urbanletteropener stepped out from backstage and sat at the piano. There was some applause, some cheering, and at least one poison dart thrown, though it missed its target. urbanletteropener sat down at the piano, took a breath, and began to play.
"Hey! This tune is familiar!"
"Shush!"
"I'm wondering why urbanletteropener is typing this out rather than playing and recording it!"
"Shush!"
"It's because he can't sing!"
"Shush!!"
urbanletteropener took a breath and sang in the most beautiful (and sadly fictional) voice you can imagine:
As some day it may happen that a winner must be found
I’ve got a little list, I’ve got a little list
of society’s defenders who are prob'ly underground
Hiding from arsonists
At this show they’ll be missed
Now these specific volunteers, we call them “neophyte”
Question: can my rhyming get worse? The answer is: not quite
All thanks to Dante, rest in peace, and cock-a-doodle-doo
My presentation of the award I now give to you
And it really kind of matters who was put upon the list
The Best New Member list, the best new member list
The blue scrim behind urbanletteropener and the piano was pulled away to reveal three women with very pale faces. In vibrato-filled voices they warbled along with urbanletteropener:
Members put them on the list!
Members put them on the list!
And their presence will be missed
Their presence will be missed.
"Those women are oddly familiar!"
"Shush!!!"
The first competitor is also known as “baudelaiire”
But as she’s quick to tell you, for that name she does not care
For now she goes by limeny and she curses quite a lot Around the barriers of language she has often got
And I’m very pleased to say that she’s a member on the list
The best new member list, the best new member list
Members put them on the list!
Members put them on the list!
And their presence will be missed
Their presence will be missed.
It’s hard to believe you’ve been with us for less than a year
You’re always saying something that is clever and cheery
Your music rips have made me happy when I am dreary
And as you’ve probably guessed you are a member on the list
The best new member list, the best new member list.
Members put them on the list!
Members put them on the list!
And their presence will be missed
Their presence will be missed.
Now it’s past time that I introduced counto and let me say I am so very glad that you are on this list today
Your topics they are scintillating, time-lining’s a hoot
(and your profile picture's unequivoc'ly a beaut)
Now only two members are left to mention on this list
The best new member list, the best new member list
Members put them on the list!
Members put them on the list!
And their presence will be missed
Their presence will be missed.
Whose kindness and whose thoughtfulness one really has to see
If I may gush, I often wish that I could be like her
(I worry I come off as rude, but I am never sure)
It’s with a smile that I sing of her spot on this list
The best new member list, the best new member list
Members put them on the list!
Members put them on the list!
And their presence will be missed
Their presence will be missed.
And lastly but not leastly is Es- R. The most stylish and “not a book character” of this crew
Her devotion is admirable, she’s not one to deny
As Daniel Handler will attest with a tear in his eye
And that, dear friends, is everyone who made it on the list
The best new member list, the best new member list
Members put them on the list!
Members put them on the list!
And their presence will be missed
Their presence will be missed.
And now I hear you whispering “but who won, limeny?”
And I smile devilishly and say “just wait and see”
For although I make some mistakes, I am not a March Fool
I’m just taking a long time, building suspense to look cool
Only one of five can win, and this year’s award winner is...
Roxy222 - hey! Congratulations, miss!
Members put them on the list!
Members put them on the list!
And their presence will be missed
Their presence will be missed.
And just as quickly as the piano had appeared, it had disappeared. The pale-faced women and urbanletteropener were both gone, leaving the 667ers to wonder if it was all a dream. They would never know.
"I don't know what 'Their presence will be missed' is supposed to mean, but it sounds quite threatening!" said a voice from the left side of the room, or was it the right?