emerlydastarnje
Bewildered Beginner
i apologize for nothing.
Posts: 3
Likes: 5
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Post by emerlydastarnje on Oct 10, 2021 12:17:31 GMT -5
hey losers, emerlydastarnje here. made an account so that i could share the salsaty self insert fic i wrote when i was 13 and posted on ff.net way back in 2005. think of it as a halloween surprise. i loved lemony and was that kind of mall goth so it was bound to happen. bite me tara gillesbie.
admins, let me know if any of this content crosses any lines and i'll take care of it. i seriously doubt anyone can understand the pg-13 things that happen in this story simply because of the spelling though.
a sereis of goffek evintz by blakwolv666 porlog. Ok hy gyz dis is mi ferst tim ritin a stary!11!1!!11! i luv da seris of un4chinite vents so im guna rite a stary wif dem an its guna b vary gud!11! if u r nit gokek den dont reed dis stary!11! XXXbloodyrists666XXX if u r reeden dis u r mi idel!11!1 (mi mom sez dat da bibel telz us we cant hav idols but i tole hr 2 go 2 hel)) pls lik dis stary an gif me gud revews!11!1!!11! ! heerz chapta 1!!!! ciptar wun. hi hy gyz i am deerdre eclepse olaf (yep it’s wat u tink it is!!1!111!1!) an i am 16 yeerz ole. I haf rly rly pall sken dat i don’t evn ned fondatshun 4 an mi hare iz nacheraly blak but i aded sum porpel sstreekz in2 it. I liv in a big old hous wif mi dad hiz nam iz Caunt Lauzruz Orlof (so carzy rite) an he iz an akter.. r hous iz rly durty but we lik it dat wey bc we r gofek n r alos sartinists an i nevr met mi mom bc se did in a fier many yers ago. I hav 2 bes frendz day r gofek an sinitests 2. Dere namz r Mizary end Wo. dey wher whit fondashun an dey pent litel blak petnagarm hartz on dere checks.I hev a tarto uv da numbur 13 on mi sholder an lotz uv catz an i kan speek 2 dem. My rum is rally blak an gofek 2, i hav lacey grey curtenz an pistons of Emerly da Starnje al ovr da walz an mi bed iz a 4 porstr wif blak certains on it 2 an der iz pink walpeper in da walz wif portogemz drawed on it. Der iz a rly garfik war robe wif skulz on et carvd in2 itz wud an sum ratz life in a hol 4 mi catz 2 eet dem. I allso hav a hott pink rekerd playar so i kan lissen Senetanced. (dere mi fav band1!!!!111!1) ok so 1 day i waz in da rly depresin tawer rum wher mi dead (geddit bc im gefok) spinds hiz tim wif Mizary an Wo. we wer spyen on hawt gyz dat waked down da strete. I luked at dem al but i alredy hav a bf named Rasparten. hez sech a saxy boy, i wud nevr leev him 4 n e thin. (2 mi bf Jon u r wat maks mi wak up ever mraning ily!!11!1!!!1!111) “Terabel murning bichez,” sed mi gofek ded Olad. (he sed dat insted of “gud murnog”) ‘hi’ sed mizary ‘Helo’ sed Wo in a rly queet desperessed voce. “hey” i sed. i waz wherin a blak gofek dres wif pofy sleves (lik da ders Vilet weres in da movi bet les prepy) but i hed da left slev of da derss tered of 2 show mi tato an blak eyshado an sum blak lepsteck an sum tered upp fishnits underneeth. Mi ded haz a tato 2, itz of a eye but insted of da circel in da midel of da eye deres a pentagrem. an da i is cryen teerz of blud. “Wel wat do u want/“ i axed hem agstely “Im pefermin a sho 2nite” he sed “an i tink u shud cum 2 it’ “wuts it caled” sed Wo.. “Olaf da gofek vampir,” he sed ‘dat sunds rly feckin deprssin,” i sed “letz go” So we went.
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Post by R. on Oct 11, 2021 0:38:37 GMT -5
What kind of 13 year old were you?!?!?!?!? When I was 11 I was winning writing competitions already. I thought all Lemony Snicket fans were supposed to be all bookish and intellectual.
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emerlydastarnje
Bewildered Beginner
i apologize for nothing.
Posts: 3
Likes: 5
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Post by emerlydastarnje on Oct 11, 2021 12:02:03 GMT -5
1- oh my god no and 2- a real piece of salsa. i saw the movie maybe 1-2 months after it came out and was obsessed (though looking back on it i think i just had a huge crush on violet's actress) i hated reading but was also really impatient and didnt understand why they just couldn't come out with another potato ing movie already so i did end up reading the books. don't think i ever finished them though.
here's chapter two.
Chapa 2. olaf da garfek vampire (ARTER;Z NOT; gyz pls giv mi gud revowz bc da stery iz grete!!111!1 XXXbloodyrists666XXX wen r u guna repli 2 mi misige??/??/// i luv ur stury!1111!1! 666) so we arivd at da plase ware mi ded waz haven da play. It waz a blak bilden wif ey shapd wendowz an perpell shetes hagnin frum da markee. We goed insid an Oladz gofek bnad waz dere. Der r sevin ppl in da barnd: Slash, da ball man, Paprkut an Antekrist. “Wutz up” sed Slash waveng wif 1 of hiz huks. (hez da huk hadned men frum da bukz) “Ok’ sed orlaf an he wint bakstag wif dem 2 git reddy. Mizary an me an Wo wint 2 da chares whar we cud sit. Ebery1 in da corwd waz gifik xcept 4 dis 1 gy wif a soot on. He waz warin a partagim on hez hat but al da ppl new he wasent a goff. Dey wer puten der midel fegners up at hem. “OH MY SATAN WE SHUD ATAK HEM “ hized Wo in a sykopaticlly way. ‘Dats such a fukong gud idea u batch!1!’’. I sed 2 mi cates “cla w dat posr11!!’ ‘’’Ok” sed dem an den dey jormpedd on2 hem!11111 “OMG SOP IM A GNOFEK GY 2’’ “ he waz scremin. NO UR NIT we belowed sitinikly. “U SHUD SAY O MY SATIN!!1111!1! U FUKIN POSR GIT OUTA HER1!!1111!1!!11’’” Da katz keled hem lol. DEN………………….. “Cum on gyz da sho iz starten 11 “ sed a gofek baby. Se waz wherein a blak gofek ders an a bench of papr klepz in her hare. “Y is der a gofik baby! 1 1!!’ shotted MEZRY. ‘O sry sry” sed a gofek boi an gurl runen up “r sister gits awa sumtims” “Haajkghewkghajhfgakjbaligvhkjahgkaghaiewhgaklrj’ sed da baby in dat gofek gurlz armz “WTH r u doen wif a barb?/’ i sed “R U PEDOZ” i gut mi ketz to raze der bakz an hizz> “Wut da god no!!” sed da gofek boi. He hed rly nise prapil eyz dat wer vry aruzneng. I lukd way an thot ov Rispertin. “No no no no no no non onoo non on o !!11!1!11!1!1””” ‘’ ‘ sed da gurel. She waz warin a rly gofek corsit tarktup an sum tared upp blak jeans dat hed purpel florez on dem. (da nam of mi dedz bnad iz XxXBlakOrkidXxX) Se hed wite farndishin an bloo eyshardew. “Shez r sistare” “Oh ok” we sed an den we waked depresdle in2 da theeter. DA SHO WAZ GRATE!!!1!1!1!111!1 Mi ded waz a varpaner an at 1 pont da hole bnad cam oot an we songd a song ( im da songer in da bnad ) Wile I waz songen dat boi wif da gorfef babi wax witchin mi (GETIT BC I M A GORF) an I ferget da weeds 2 da serng. Witch waz “Smeel no 1 carz how u fele” bi da GOFEK ARCHEEZ. ‘OMFS dat wuz amazen!111” sed Wo wen we geted owt of da theter. “U wer sooooo praty11” “No i wasent bith” i garled. Ppl tel mi im pretyy a lot but i donut lissen 2 dem. “Hi” sed a cyot vose. It waz da boi ho had da gifek baby. He had on blak glasez wif red glaz in dem an a lethr jackit. Hiz hare waz blak wif a litel pink bit in it. “Hi” i sed an den i ran way bc i wuz embarased. “WATE CUM BAK” he sed. “I DEDENT TEL U MI NAM IT’S………… KALS BODALAR!11111”
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Post by counto on Oct 11, 2021 20:11:10 GMT -5
Does anybody else understand this?
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Post by Hermes on Oct 12, 2021 17:22:36 GMT -5
Thanks for this, Semblance. I think the narrator's name may be Deirdre, rather than Deadly. I find the presence of Misery and Woe in the story intriguing.
Roxy and Counto: this story may be easier to understand if you have read My Immortal, by Tara Gilesbie, alias bloodyrists666.
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Post by counto on Oct 12, 2021 19:17:19 GMT -5
Could someone send me a link to My Immortal?
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Post by HAL 10,000 on Oct 12, 2021 20:03:28 GMT -5
Is this inspired by My Immortal, because that's what it reminds me of.
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Post by limeny on Oct 13, 2021 6:42:15 GMT -5
good luck to any non-english speakers trying to read whatever you call that di41ect 0f 3nglish
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Post by R. on Oct 13, 2021 10:35:23 GMT -5
I have heard of My Immortal, but I thought that was just one loony.
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Post by Hermes on Oct 13, 2021 13:06:12 GMT -5
It was a very popular work at one time, though perhaps ironically.
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emerlydastarnje
Bewildered Beginner
i apologize for nothing.
Posts: 3
Likes: 5
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Post by emerlydastarnje on Oct 13, 2021 13:57:06 GMT -5
semblance, i'm amazed that you were able to pick up on the emily reference. i honestly don't think i spelled her name right once in this potato ing story.
i wrote and published chapters 1 and 2 in summer of 2005 but didn't have the time to continue as my freshman year of high school began. i finally got around to writing again in early 06. my immortal was being published by this time and the claims that i was a cheap impostor soon followed. of course none of these bozos bothered to notice that my story was published six whole months before tara's. no doubt they were similar though. i had been sending private messages back and forth with tara and i think she and her style definitely rubbed off on me a little.
here's your semi-daily dose of insanity~
Crapter 3. a mistary (AN; gess wut gyz i gut sum reviws!!111!11!1 U PREPZ HOO SED DAT MI STARY IZ JIST LIK MI EMARTEL SHED IP!11!1! MI START IZ NUT DA SAM DAY R IN DEFERENT BUKZ!!111!1!11!!!111 FUKEN GO 2 HEL!1111 U WEL C Y DAY R DEFERENT STARRYZ IN DIZ HAPTA!11!11 THX 2 EVER1 ELS HOO GAV MI GID VEWS U R AL DA BEst!1!11!11!!! blodyrests666 plz tel mi if mi stury iz gud!1111 ) k so da nixt day I hed skull (skull iz wat I cal et bc i em GOFEK) an i woke upp layt bc i dident fokeng car. i tuk ov mi x+Y swetshet dat i wor az pajamuz an pitted on a big blak sweter dat waz 2 big 4 mi bet i dedent car bc im so diprezed. Da sweter haz a picher uv a gofek Danel Radclef on it (Danel if u r reeden dis dont b sech a perp!11!1!1! day r nit nise ppl u shud b a goff lik mi!111!1!0 Den i putid on dis skart kind uv lik da 1 wif da podelz on it frum Grese (gud movi cud hav ben gofeker) bet insted uv podellz der wer Hellhoudz on it. Dey hed blud drepen frum dere sharp teth. I den pot on mi nee lenth sox wif pintagarmz on dem an mi shooz dat wer jest lik Mily da Sting’z. I new dat wen i gut 2 skull dey wud mak mi go bak an tak it of but dat wuz al pert uv mi plan!!111!1! i waz guna skep az mech skull as pozibel i wint dawnstares 2 hav sum brekfist uv bernt tost (itz blak lik da insid uv mi sole). Ded olaf waz dere. “potato eng abismel merneng you fungdark” he sed (AN; he duzent hat dedre ok! datz how day say gud mining day rly hav a gud rationshep!11!1) “I want u 2 focken di basterd” i sed smelling dispresedly. I wint 2 da toster witch had a drawen of saten on it. I put da bred in an sit da timr 4 666 sekentz. “I hat goen 2 skull bc ever1 hats mi dere” i berst owt gofekly. I ony hav 2 go 2 skull bc if idont den day kan arest mi an mi ded. “gess wat” “WAT” I QUESCHINED. “u hav a tooter no!!1!111 u dont hav 2 go 2 dat parppy skull no!!11!1!’ My eyz gleemd amizedly. “rely?”? Olaf smeled da way dat he smeeled wen he saw a vulchur eeten sum rodkel. He luked lik a gofek vershen uv Fil Kogen. “RELY” He BELOwed; “Wut da facking sitin iz her nam” i sed “Pls cal mi GG. Mi old nam wuz Ezme but now I go bi mi midel nam.” sed a deep sitinik vose. A bartefel wumin -da BITIFELIST potato ENG WUMIN ID EVR SEN - - waked in2 da kichen. Se wuz warin a flor lenth drez dat hed a lot uv grae lase at da endz uv da sleves. Da dors wuz slevles an blak az da midnite. It ruminded mi uv mi catz, She luked jest lik Angeca Houstin az Martishin Adamz1!1!!!!1!1! “Wut duz GG stend 4” axed Olad sadle. “Gofek Gurl uv corse” I sed smartle. “Datz rite” sed GG emprezedly. So we wint 2 r gofek libary (datz wer we kep al da Emrly da Srange comek bukz) 2 start r lessinz. We lurned abut the goffs in histary an sum siense. Mizary an Wo cam ovr an day hanged owt (lik a nose) wif GG an mi 2. “DEDRE BOTCH WUT IZ UR TALINT” GG askid mi! “i kan take 2 katz an day tak 2 mi 2’ i mormbeled. Hum datz gud1!1 se writed it don wif a blud pen. Se wint 2 luk at sum bukz on a shilf in da Dork Libery ware mi dad duzent let mi go. Dare wuz a balkinny dat se had 2 wake on. Sdudenly..................................................................................... DA BALKENY BROK!!1!1!1!11!1! GG SCREMD. “O MI GOD DAM BLUDDY FUKIN SATEN!11!1!1!1!1!1!1!1!1111!!! “ WE AL SCREMED 2. GG garbed on2 da bukshef an holdid on 4 dere lif. I vud c her legz no... dere waz a ey tato on hr aknel 2!11!1!!1 “wate wut” i sed, Mizary an wo dedint notis bc dey hed gon 4 hlep. Olad cam an GG guted don. “GG wut da potato iz dat tato-“ i sed “I must goo has a suppr sad nite ever1” sed Ezme (GG) I wint 2 mi rum. DARE WAZ A MISTARY 2 SELVE!1!1!11!1!! 1!11!1!1!1 (AN; c iz dat da sam az mi emmertel!11 fuk ov PRIPZ!11 giv mi gud revowes ever1 els!1)
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Post by the panopticountolaf on Oct 13, 2021 14:29:37 GMT -5
I haven't laughed so much since... well, since I read My Immortal. Nice to meet you, emerlydastarnje.
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Post by Isadora Is a Door on Oct 13, 2021 14:55:15 GMT -5
Haha, google asked me if I wanted to translate this page this page from 'welsh' to english.
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