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Post by Emma “Emmz” Squalor on Oct 12, 2013 19:18:33 GMT -5
Dear 667, It is with many, many, many apologies that I compose this letter to you, my beloved friends and associates. Where to begin explaining the reasons for my inactivity and ultimate disappearance for an entire year is difficult. But I will try, and hope that, in the end, you will all understand. Throughout most of 2012, I was lost in an illness that came upon me so gradually I hardly noticed. Not even when those around me began to express concern. At first I didn’t want to listen, and became very angry and hostile toward those who tried to help me. Much like the hand of Quigley Quagmire loosening from the waist of Violet Baudelaire in The Slippery Slope, I could feel my grip on reality beginning to slip. My personality changed. That was probably the worst part of this whole, horrible mess. Without my personality, I no longer possessed the motivation needed to live the life I have known for six years was meant for me. The life of a writer, which I first discovered through my love of crafting new stories for Esmé and Jerome Squalor, through fan-fiction and role-playing. I desperately wanted that passion back; a passion I am still fighting to reclaim. I spent three years of my life striving toward a goal I thought would make me happy. I exceeded that goal, but in the end was left feeling beaten and miserable. Inside I felt numb, and wandered through my days in a zombie-fied state. I wanted someone to help me, and yet, at the same time, also wanted to be left alone. I have always had very low self-esteem and a distorted, physical perception of myself. As a child, I had some less-than-pleasant things happen to me. I expect they are what contributed to the way I see myself now, as an adult. They are what made me want to change something about myself I now know never needed to be changed. This letter is not a plea for attention, or an attempt to gain forgiveness from those of you I've hurt. (I do not and cannot expect you to do that). It is simply my way of explaining why I’ve been away for so long, and the reason I was no longer able to fulfill my duties as a moderator, a commenter and, most of all, a friend. I am eternally sorry to everyone I’ve hurt and/or worried over the past twelve months. All I can say—and forgive me if this sounds repetitive, for I am sure it must—is that none of what I did or didn’t do was ever intentional, and if I could go back and change the past, I would. I've thought every day about retuning to the place I've strongly considered my second home for so long. However, I felt it would be in everyone's best interests to wait, until I was positive my disappearing acts had come to an end (thank you, Lemona, for passing this on to the others for me). If I'm honest, 2013 proved to be quite a fortunate year for me, as I had several positive things happen that brought me some much needed confidence, thus providing me with the strength I needed to continue climbing out of my own dark elevator shaft. It has come to my attention that my lurking about has not gone unnoticed, which I shall now explain: I have always held my moderator title in extremely high regard, and turning in my resignation to Tragedy was honestly one of the most difficult things I’ve ever had to do. Even after I started getting better, and my concentration slowly started to improve, I was scared that if I returned to 667, but failed to get the ball rolling on my usual activity (i.e. posting in the Forsaken Fan-works section), then people would notice and feel let down. I realize I’ve missed a lot over the past year—the conclusion of Tiago’s awesomely addictive Yet Another Series of Unfortunate Events, for one, as well as the always highly anticipated Darkies Awards Show. I wish I could provide every piece of artwork, one-shot and chapter story with the feedback they deserve, but that would be impossible. So if you happen to notice me comment on one person’s piece and not another’s, or one or two out of several done by the same person, it doesn’t mean I think there’s anything wrong with them, or that I didn’t enjoy them every bit as much as I did the others. My feelings for 667 Dark Avenue have always been the equivalent of what I wish high school had been for me. As a teenager, I often felt judged by the clothes I wore, and because I preferred to stay at home watching anime, as opposed to being part of a large social group. I suppose joining 667 made up for that part of my life that I often feel I missed out on. Not only was I able to connect with others who shared my interests, but form many close-knit friendships. Never has there been a place where I’ve felt so at home, where people not only accepted me for what and who I am, without expecting anything more, but who respected me. When I look back on those days—days where I was still very much a newbie, haha—wanting to transform into someone else seems so silly, and I think to myself, “What was even the point?” I have expressed my feelings surrounding my departure in the form of a fan-fiction, which at this time last year I'd just begun writing, with the intention of getting through was probably the darkest period of my life. I have yet to decide whether or not I'll post it. At present, the thought of doing so makes me quite nervous, because the overall story is very depressing, and the last thing I want to do is upset anyone. For anyone still interested, I have finished writing Chapters Twenty-Three through Twenty-Five of V.F.D. Training Days. I will begin posting them in the next day or so, probably with a two to three-day gap between chapters, so keep an eye out. While I don’t yet feel comfortable revealing exactly what it was I went through, I am perfectly willing to answer honestly anyone’s questions, via private message or e-mail. Thank you, everyone, for all of your heartfelt threads and private messages. Words cannot describe the feeling of knowing you thought of me all this time, despite my lack of communication. *sniff* I love you all. Sincerely, Emma Esmélita Squalor xxxx oooo
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Post by penne on Oct 12, 2013 20:11:10 GMT -5
Emma. It's F.D., I don't know if you remember me. But I am so so happy to hear from you again. I'm so sorry that you've been going through tough times and please, don't feel the need to apologize to anyone. We all understand. We've missed you lots and I hope this means you're better now and that you'll be posting regularly again.
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Post by bryan on Oct 12, 2013 22:10:25 GMT -5
Emma! I don't think you have to worry about hurting us. I think we can understand and respect any choice you make. It sucks that you found yourself in that elevator shaft but I'm glad you're climbing!
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Post by Isadora Is a Door on Oct 13, 2013 2:22:19 GMT -5
Hey Emma. its Mister M. I doubt you remember any of the small interaction we had before you left, but did send you one or two PMs, i think. I can only agree with the heartfelt sentiments above, and i think the fact that you despite what you went through, whatever it was, you have returned, can only give those in a similar situation hope.
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Post by Kit's tits kick ticks on Oct 13, 2013 2:45:46 GMT -5
Oh wow wow wow wow wow wow wow wow wow wow wow wow wow. That's awesome. Hi Emma I'm really happy that you're back, even though I wasn't really here yet when you posted last. It's also good to hear that things are getting better in your life.
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Post by Charlie on Oct 13, 2013 5:36:33 GMT -5
I have often heard legends told of Emma Squalor. You have been remembered as the most compassionate, nicest, loveliest person around. I can see from this thread, that I've not been told lies. I don't think anyone here has been hurt by you, but I'm sure all are grateful that you have in some capacity returned. I hope you're well!
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Post by Tryina Denouement on Oct 13, 2013 5:47:45 GMT -5
Hello. I am Tryina. D, a new member. I have heard (more like seen) stories of you, seen your posts and what people talk of you, and from those I concluded that you were (and are) a nice person. I've been waiting to see you for quite a long time. Now that you're back, welcome back to 667!
-from someone who never met you but wanted to talk to you
EDIT: wow, you're an otaku, Emma? That's a story I've never heard!
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Post by Hermes on Oct 13, 2013 16:39:29 GMT -5
Emma, we are just so amazingly happy to see you here again. What everyone says above is true: there is no need to say sorry or to feel that you have hurt us in any way. And I'd be very pleased to see more of VFD Training Days!
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Post by Emma “Emmz” Squalor on Oct 13, 2013 19:43:05 GMT -5
Oh, my gosh, guys, thank you so much for such a warm welcome back! *tears up* Well, not literally, though I was crying on and off a little Friday, which was the day I set for myself to begin the process of returning to 667. I just realized how unfulfilled and detached I felt, having spent so much time away from the place I've long considered my second home, and how much I missed everyone.
@ Fredy: Of course I remember you! We had quite a few conversations, both on the threads and in private messages. While it's unlikely I'll be posting as much as I did before (i.e. ten times per day), I can promise that my presence here will be much more frequent.
@ Bryan: I worry constantly about whether I have hurt or might end up hurting people's feelings. However, it really helps ease my anxiety knowing that was never the case with you guys. While I still have my bad days, I've noticed there has been a huge decrease lately, so that now those days are starting to become just moments.
@ Mr. M: I've read enough of your posts, and received your two very thoughtful PMs, that it's like we've already met. I was in a very bad place at this time last year, and know that if I ever encounter someone in the same situation, then I will do everything I can to help them.
@ Anka: Like I told Mr. M, I've seen what you're all about through your posts, that it's like we've known each other for a while. It's true I went through a lot, but for all the bad things that happened, there was enough good that came along to take its place.
@ Charlie: It's very sweet of you to say all that. 667 is the place where I not only made a lot of good friends, but the place that helped me discover my true self, and that I consider my second home. It just didn't feel right or normal to continue staying away.
@ Tryina: A very belated welcome to you as well! And yes, I suppose you could say I'm an otaku. ^^ I've only posted about my anime interest a few times here, so that's probably why you weren't familiar. Except for Sailor Moon, most of my favorite series are direct-to-video or ones that air mostly in Japan. Currently, my top three favorite series are Wandering Son (manga), Candy Candy, and Fushigi Yuugi.
@ Hermes. It really helps me feel a lot better to know that no one is upset with me for leaving with hardly a word. I was still very confused, and didn't want to make a big public announcement about something serious that might've turned out to be nothing, even though it did. The fact that my writing was suffering so badly was the wake-up call I needed. So glad I answered!
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Post by penne on Oct 13, 2013 20:14:55 GMT -5
I'm happy to hear that, Emma. I think you were one of the or the very first person who greeted me when I made my "hello" thread here in 667 and since then I have thought you are the nicest person ever. It's great to have you back.
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Post by bryan on Oct 13, 2013 21:30:59 GMT -5
Oh, my gosh, guys, thank you so much for such a warm welcome back! @ Bryan: I worry constantly about whether I have hurt or might end up hurting people's feelings. However, it really helps ease my anxiety knowing that was never the case with you guys. While I still have my bad days, I've noticed there has been a huge decrease lately, so that now those days are starting to become just moments. To be honest I only post every once in a while and I don't think people are mad at me, so I don't see how they could possibly be upset with you! And I'm so glad things are getting better for you.
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Post by penne on Oct 13, 2013 21:34:26 GMT -5
don't fool yourself, Bryan, we're mad at you.
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Post by soufflé on Oct 13, 2013 21:42:59 GMT -5
Emma, OH MY GOODNESS I've missed you so much. <3 But please don't feel guilty about doing what you had to do for yourself! We'll always be here for you, no matter what problems confront you. Anywho, super glad to hear from you girl!
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Post by Linda Rhaldeen on Oct 13, 2013 21:46:33 GMT -5
Oh, wow. It's great to have you back! I'm sorry to hear you were having such a rough time with your illness; as someone who's struggled with health issues myself I know how difficult it can be.
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Post by Michelle Denouement on Oct 13, 2013 21:48:07 GMT -5
Oh wow, Emma. It's so great to have you back! In the time since we talked, I moved to Milwaukee and started university, amongst other things. (BTW, I'm Violet Marie. I go by Michelle Denouement now)
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