Okay, so, I've got the transcript of Daniel Handler's three-act play ready to go. Sorry it's taken so long, it takes a lot of effort to transcribe, and I was typing it out on a typewriter first, and then in Word, and now I'm posting it here.
WARNING: In this transcript, the Players and Daniel Handler use some foul language and derogatory terms. There is a difference between Daniel Handler and Lemony Snicket. Please use discretion if you are especially sensitive to said language.
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Daniel Handler’s Three-Act Play, People Talking and Singing, 2006(Note: In this transcript, Daniel Hander has been abbreviated to DH, Sarah Vowell abbreviated to SV, Colin Meloy abbreviated to CM and Ben Gibbard abbreviated to BG.)
DH: Ah, good evening. I’m, ah, feeling sort of – I mean, no insult to the other people who are participating, when I talk about what I’m going to do, because it’s great what they’re doing, they’re entertaining you, and that’s, um, nice; People need that, I guess. But tonight I’m doing something a little different, I’m sharing more, so it’s not about
your entertainment but more about myself. So, does that make me more…superior to the other people performing tonight? I mean, yeah, maybe it does; it’s not for you to judge. I’ve written a three-act play, um, sort of to emphasize the therapeutic power of writing, especially of some of the greats, um, you know of
James Frey …There’s different incidents from my life, three incidents, one pertaining to the three-act play, and then I’ve sort of rewritten the ending so they’re more…suitable, for me. And, you know, maybe you’ll be able to tell when it stops being my real life and when it starts being a play, I mean, maybe you won’t. It’s hard to tell with really good writing.
DH: The play will be performed by the Daniel Handler Players. I’ll introduce them to you one by one. Apparently he leads a band of some kind, but I know he has a minor in drama from the University of Montana. It’s…Colin Meloy. [Audience claps] And the other frequent member of the Daniel Handler Players, she’s already been on stage tonight; maybe you were wondering why she didn’t dress up? It’s because Jeff Blue lost the luggage. Please welcome Ms. Sarah Vowell. [Audience claps].
Now, they’re just a part of the general ensemble. The part of me I had to look far and wide, but I finally found a guy; he leads a number of bands, actually, including The Postal Service and Death Cab for Cutie…[Audience claps, Ben Gibbard walks out on stage.] Do you need to stretch or anything? [pause] I’m sorry we don’t have sets and costumes, but it’s a benefit, so…we had to scale it down.
SV: [to CM] You went to the University of Montana? Montana State!
DH: Act One. The scene is a prestigious private boys’ school where Daniel Handler is a student. Although he is in the middle of his career as a boy soprano and is friends almost exclusively with girls, Daniel Handler has been sent to an all-boys school by his parents, who were apparently real high when they made this decision. Daniel is standing in the schoolyard, not playing kickball, and daydreaming about ancient Samaria.
CM: Hey, aren’t you the new kid?
BG: Yes, Guy Who Will Grow Up to Be a Heavy Metal Drummer, I am.
CM: Do you like Led Zeppelin?
BG: Yeah, he’s pretty cool.
CM: He. Led Zeppelin’s not a guy. It’s a band.
BG: I said band.
CM: No, you didn’t. You’re a faggot.
BG: There’s no cause for this homophobic insult just because I don’t know about a band that broke up long before you were born.
CM: There’s no way you said that when you were in fifth grade. You’re a faggot.
DH: There are some flashes of light, not unlike the special effects found in the early films of George Lucas, and a woman from Daniel Handler’s daydreams appears in the flesh, much of which is visible underneath her ripped sweatshirt.
BG: Wow, Jennifer Beals! From
Flashdance? Not only from
Flashdance but from an overlooked dark comedy starring Nicolas Cage called
Vampire’s Kiss. Wow.
SV: I’m the one who should be saying wow, Daniel Handler, after your incredible performance in the Oakland Opera’s performance of
Gian Carlos Menotti’s opera, Amahl and The Night Visitors, starring you as Amahl, and makes me want to be your girlfriend and kiss you with tongue in front of the entire school.
CM: No potato ing way.
SV: Yes, way! Now everyone at
Town School for Boys knows that you’re the one with homosexual issues, Guy Who Will Grow Up to Be a Heavy Metal Drummer.
CM: I’m not gay.
SV: I’m afraid that that time at summer camp does, in fact, count.
DH: End of act one.
DH: It felt really good to see that performed. Thank you…Act two. The scene is one of America’s well-known liberal arts colleges, where Daniel Handler was accepted after achieving some very impressive SAT scores which are available for viewing on request. Daniel is thinking very deep thoughts when his college girlfriend arrives. It should almost go without saying that she is an incredibly gorgeous and intelligent person, making Daniel Handler the envy of everyone in the entire world.
BG: Why, hello, My College Girlfriend, what are you doing here?
SV: Dumping you on your ass, Daniel Handler.
BG: Why on earth?
SV: Well, although you will learn later that I was sleeping around, for the moment, I’m just going to point out how terribly selfish you’ve been.
BG: But how is that my fault? Can’t we talk about this, My College Girlfriend? I was thinking in particular we could have a loud argument at a party, causing everyone to snivel and stare at us in mortified horror.
SV: Goodbye, Daniel Handler. I’m off to write you into my Women Studies paper.
DH: Undergraduately heartbroken, Daniel Handler retreats to his room and discovers new, bitter meaning in the lyrics to certain songs from the first Stone Roses album. Eventually, he meets a woman he eventually marries and is now the mother of his child, an incredible knockout. But let’s see what happened to the College Girlfriend.
SV: Well, here I am, in this crack house. I can’t believe that I’ve lost every job I’ve ever had and my looks have disintegrated so completely. Also, I’m now real dumb.
CM: Honey, I’m home.
SV: Who are you?
CM: If your lame-ass haircut wasn’t blocking your vision, you could see that I am the collective representation of your subsequent lovers. I am thoroughly without charm; I have several very ugly physical characteristics, and I’m dishonest and shoddy. I have repulsive socio-political opinions, I and dress like a Christian, but not in a good way. I have few friends, not like Daniel Handler, who once made that annoying housemate of yours a birthday cake from scratch. I kick old people and I’m a huge
Gin Blossoms fan. And I plan to break into 826 Seattle and steal stuff for no reason, et cetera, et cetera, et cetera.
SV: Why on earth is my life so lousy?
DH: God swoops down from the heavens in a cool flowing cape. Oh, um, Ben, you need to play the part of God, too. Just use the same voice that you use for Daniel Handler.
BG: College Girlfriend, you have wringed the universe. Your only purpose on this earth is to illustrate to others that one should treat Daniel Handler very, very nicely.
DH: End of act two.
DH: There’s something about the transforming power of art that just…we’ll talk about it later, but well…we won’t talk about it later for a long time, but – Act three. The scene is a dive bar in the San Francisco Bay area, where Daniel Handler is having a drink with one of his many, many buddies Even though his children’s books were made into a movie by Paramount Pictures in association with Dreamworks Entertainment, Daniel Handler is generously allowing his buddy, an unemployed poet, to buy the drinks.
CM: Daniel Handler, I was wondering if you might hack off with your half-baked leftist political theories. That would certainly be refreshing to hear in the San Francisco Bay area.
BG: Don’t mind if I do, Buddy of Daniel Handler’s. You see, I don’t think the current presidential administration is doing a very good job; they seem dumb and immoral and everything else is a real mess. I don’t know how to fix it, but nevertheless, I would like to rant and ramble about it for some time.
CM: This will be a very pleasant evening.
DH: And is a very pleasant evening indeed. For quite a few moments, Daniel Handler proceeds to innumerate and rehash various recent fiascos in the world of current events, punctuating his descriptions with flippant insults and rhetorical flourishes, such as “Can you even potato ing believe this?” while his buddy nods encouragingly and does not interrupt under any circumstances. But then a stranger walks into the bar; a mysterious woman with the aura of utter immorality, associated with all capitalist stooges. Also, she seems definitely to be a lesbian. She walks closer and closer to Daniel Handler, who is still talking magnificently.
BG: And here’s another thing, I almost read two-thirds of a recent article in the New York Times –
SV: Excuse me.
BG: Why,
Condoleezza Rice, what are you doing here?
SV: I couldn’t help overhearing what you were saying, Daniel Handler, and I think you’re absolutely right, the administration with which I have been associated is a complete sham. All of our policies are atrocious failures, whether driven by corporate greed, or the fact that we’re as dumb as a bag of hammers. I don’t know why I didn’t realize this until I heard your half-assed analysis.
DH: The secretary of state orders a pitcher of banana daiquiris, and the three of them carefully planned the administration’s sincere apology and mass resignation, while designing an imaginative and practical plan for this country, and indeed, the entire world, which soon becomes a place of justice and peace rather than all the crap we have to deal with.
SV: There’s just one problem, Daniel Handler, with these new just and fair policies in place, we’re going to have a lot of money to spend on social programs and the arts. Do you have any guidelines for that?
BG: Well, there’s this great place called
826 Seattle-
DH: Founded in 2004 by Teri Hein, working in conjunction with a group of community-minded Seattleites, 826 Seattle is a non-profit writing and tutoring centre that helps youth ages 6 to 18 improve their expository writing skills, as well as working closely with teachers seeking inspiration assistance in expanding their in-house programming. 826 Seattle offers hands-on individual tutoring, with their army of enthusiastic and for the most part, very good-looking volunteers, as well as free classes in a variety of subjects all geared towards engaging a new generation of hungry minds, all under the umbrella of
826 National, so that the world might gradually become more articulate and imaginative and that the global level of critical thinking would ensure that fewer and fewer dumbass hypomanical agendas would be put forth by slimy people such as Condoleezza Rice and her pre-apologetic state.
CM: Excuse me, Daniel Handler, but it won’t be necessary for 826 Seattle to be funded through the suddenly overflowing pockets of our new well-run progressive government.
BG: Why not, Buddy of Daniel Handler’s?
CM: Because the noble audience attending the 826 Seattle benefit at McCaw Hall were so moved by a certain dramatic production that they donated kazillions of dollars.
DH: It was true. The audience that saw this play for the first time were largely the sort of people who feel the constant heart tug of living in today’s privileged society that scarcely stares past its collective eyes at what really matters in the world. They recognised that capitalism, although it may be superior to any organizational format yet devised, ended in bitter and inevitable backlash towards which the aspects of our society cannot be bought and sold. That is its integrity, imagination and philosophy of its people. They realized that helping 826 Seattle was not merely an opportunity to support a great organization, but a chance to correct the unjust imbalance and bends in compromise that has become all Americans’ daily lives. And so they opened their wallets and poured all the cash out of them and into the waiting cans of the, for the most part, very good-looking 826 Seattle volunteers.
CM: Wow. The world has become a better place.
SV & CM: And it’s all thanks to you, Daniel Handler!
DH: Oh, and you know how some art has a message? Well, that play has a hidden theme. And now, here’s Dave Eggers and John Hodgman to discuss the part of the evening that we call “passing the hat.”
FIN.
