Post by Hermes on Feb 23, 2010 8:52:20 GMT -5
The Alarming Article.
by Hermes
for Daniel Handler.
‘So,’ asked Duncan Quagmire, ‘what have you found?’
Duncan and Isadora were sitting in a corner of the library at Prufrock Prep, poring over old newspapers. They were trying to find out about the history of Count Olaf, a terrible villain who was now pursuing their friends, the Baudelaire orphans: they hoped that, if they discovered more about his methods, they would find it easier to outwit him. The library had a large collection of old newspapers, and the librarian had been helpful in pointing them to reports of crimes involving mysterious strangers. So far, though, while they had discovered many evil deeds which seemed to bear Count Olaf’s imprint, his current plans were still a mystery to them.
‘Well,’ said Isadora, ‘there was a man fitting Count Olaf’s description who was caught trying to smuggle poisonous snakes into Iceland.’
‘That’s interesting,’ her brother replied, ‘but he’s already used poisonous snakes once with the Baudelaires, when he killed Dr Montgomery – I doubt he’ll try that again.’
‘And then there was a woman with a tattoo of an eye on her ankle who kidnapped three children in Cape Town.’
‘A woman?’ said Duncan doubtfully.
‘Yes, but it could be Count Olaf in disguise. Remember, the Baudelaires told us he disguised himself as a woman in Paltryville.’
‘That’s true,’ said Duncan, ‘but I’m beginning to wonder whether all these people with tattoos of eyes we keep reading about can really be Count Olaf. I’ve just found an article which may throw some light on that’.
‘Really?’ said Isadora, ‘Tell me about it.’
‘Well, do you remember the playwright whose play Count Olaf made the Baudelaires take part in?’
‘Al Funcoot?’
‘That’s right. By the way, have you noticed that a lot of Count Olaf’s associates seem to have odd names? Al Funcoot, Lucafont, Flacutono…’
‘Yes,’ Isadora agreed. ‘There is something special about those names – but I can’t quite put my finger on what it is.’.
‘Anyway, I’ve been trying to find out about other plays by Funcoot. It’s quite interesting. He seems first to have got noticed about eighteen years ago. He wrote a play called The Most Handsome Man in the World. Then there was another called Why, I Believe I’ve Become Even More Handsome, and then one called One Last Warning to Those who Stand in my Way. They didn’t get very good reviews. And the lead actor – it doesn’t give his name, but from the description I think it must have been Count Olaf, even then.’
‘That makes sense,’ said Isadora, ‘but I don’t think it’s really helpful to us to know that Count Olaf has starred in a lot of bad plays.’
‘Wait,’ Duncan replied. ‘there’s more. After writing the review of One Last Warning, the theatre critic was sacked. Apparently the editor was upset that he had insulted the lead actress. His name was Mr Snicket.’
‘I have a feeling I’ve heard that name somewhere.’
‘Yes, I think so too – perhaps in a song? Anyway, about a week after that, the theatre where the play was showing burnt down – and Mr Snicket was accused of setting it on fire, in revenge for being sacked. But he had left the country, and couldn’t be caught. And a couple of weeks after that, this article appeared. Have a look at it. It explains a lot. Well, sort of explains.’
Duncan pushed the old copy of the Daily Punctilio across to Isadora, who began to read the article he pointed out.
We are now in a position to report new developments in the investigation of the fire which destroyed the Ned H. Rirger Theatre two weeks ago. As our readers will remember, Lemony Snicket, a former correspondent with this paper, has been accused of starting the fire. We can now reveal that Mr Snicket is rumoured to have long-standing links with the notorious secret vigilante organisation known as V.F.D.
‘What does “vigilante” mean?’ asked Isadora.
‘It means people who burn things down in order to protect the public,’ Duncan explained.
Isadora went on reading.
This organisation maintains such strict secrecy that it is uncertain what its initials stand for, but suggestions we have heard include Volunteer Fire Department, Volunteers Fighting Danger, Vigilantes Fomenting Destruction, and Very Fantastic Dinosaurs.
At one time the organisation operated in a fairly open manner, purporting to be a society devoted to the extinction of fires, both literal and figurative. However, some eighteen years ago it achieved notoriety when two of its members, a man with a beard and a woman with hair (whose names cannot be printed here for legal reasons), were accused of setting fire to the homes of several prominent citizens. Unfortunately, they disappeared before they could be tried for these crimes.
Since then the organisation has ceased to operate in public, so that it has been widely believed that it no longer exists. However, our sources inform us that it continues in secret. Members communicate by secret codes, use elaborate disguises, conceal valuable items in tea-sets, and can be recognised by –
‘Oh, good heavens!’ said Isadora.
‘Yes, I thought you’d say that’ Duncan replied.
- a tattoo of an eye on their ankle.
Our sources also tell us that V.F.D. has now divided into two factions. One still tries to operate in a peaceful manner; the other has adopted violent methods such as burglary and arson, and seeks to fight fire with fire. However, it is rumoured that some people, possibly including Mr Snicket, may be members of both factions.
But Mr Snicket is not the only person connected with the theatre fire who is linked with V.F.D. Count Olaf Mett, son of the well-known society figures Count Magnus and Countess Frieda Mett, was starring in the play being shown at the theatre at the time of its destruction. We have been informed that Count Olaf is also linked, through his family, with the same secret organisation.
However, when we interviewed Count Olaf, he said ‘I have never heard of the V.F.D. organisation. I was once offered the opportunity to join it, but I refused. In any case, I have now left it’.
The investigation continues.
‘Well,’ asked Duncan, ‘what do you make of that?’
‘I don’t think Count Olaf was telling the truth,’ said Isadora.
‘As a journalist, I agree with you,’ Duncan replied. ‘Clearly he is a member of V.F.D. – the violent faction, I suppose. And I wonder if he burnt the theatre down himself.’
‘Why would he burn down the theatre he was appearing at?’
‘Insurance? Or perhaps he did it to get Mr Snicket into trouble. After all, Mr Snicket had given him several bad reviews. And if he was in the peaceful faction of V.F.D., that would give Olaf another reason to dislike him.’
‘I wonder’ said Isadora ‘if all the people he goes against are connected with V.F.D. Do you think the Baudelaires might be?’
‘Well, I’d have thought they would tell us if they were members of a secret organisation.’
‘But it’s secret.’
‘Well, yes,’ Duncan admitted. ‘But I still doubt it. Their parents might have been, though.’
‘Well, in any case,’ Isadora replied ‘I think this calls for a couplet.
‘This very mysterious organisation
Has filled us all with consternation.
‘We should try to find out more. Even if the organisation is secret, clearly people do know some things about it, otherwise this article couldn’t have been written. So there are probably more reports about it somewhere. Perhaps we should ask the librarian if he knows anything.’
'Good plan,' said Duncan.
They got up and walked to the librarian’s desk. ‘Excuse me,’ Isadora said ‘we were wondering if you knew anything about an organisation called V.F.D.’
The librarian looked at them for a long time. His expression was hard to read. ‘I think’ he said at last ‘that you’d better come into my office.’
by Hermes
for Daniel Handler.
‘So,’ asked Duncan Quagmire, ‘what have you found?’
Duncan and Isadora were sitting in a corner of the library at Prufrock Prep, poring over old newspapers. They were trying to find out about the history of Count Olaf, a terrible villain who was now pursuing their friends, the Baudelaire orphans: they hoped that, if they discovered more about his methods, they would find it easier to outwit him. The library had a large collection of old newspapers, and the librarian had been helpful in pointing them to reports of crimes involving mysterious strangers. So far, though, while they had discovered many evil deeds which seemed to bear Count Olaf’s imprint, his current plans were still a mystery to them.
‘Well,’ said Isadora, ‘there was a man fitting Count Olaf’s description who was caught trying to smuggle poisonous snakes into Iceland.’
‘That’s interesting,’ her brother replied, ‘but he’s already used poisonous snakes once with the Baudelaires, when he killed Dr Montgomery – I doubt he’ll try that again.’
‘And then there was a woman with a tattoo of an eye on her ankle who kidnapped three children in Cape Town.’
‘A woman?’ said Duncan doubtfully.
‘Yes, but it could be Count Olaf in disguise. Remember, the Baudelaires told us he disguised himself as a woman in Paltryville.’
‘That’s true,’ said Duncan, ‘but I’m beginning to wonder whether all these people with tattoos of eyes we keep reading about can really be Count Olaf. I’ve just found an article which may throw some light on that’.
‘Really?’ said Isadora, ‘Tell me about it.’
‘Well, do you remember the playwright whose play Count Olaf made the Baudelaires take part in?’
‘Al Funcoot?’
‘That’s right. By the way, have you noticed that a lot of Count Olaf’s associates seem to have odd names? Al Funcoot, Lucafont, Flacutono…’
‘Yes,’ Isadora agreed. ‘There is something special about those names – but I can’t quite put my finger on what it is.’.
‘Anyway, I’ve been trying to find out about other plays by Funcoot. It’s quite interesting. He seems first to have got noticed about eighteen years ago. He wrote a play called The Most Handsome Man in the World. Then there was another called Why, I Believe I’ve Become Even More Handsome, and then one called One Last Warning to Those who Stand in my Way. They didn’t get very good reviews. And the lead actor – it doesn’t give his name, but from the description I think it must have been Count Olaf, even then.’
‘That makes sense,’ said Isadora, ‘but I don’t think it’s really helpful to us to know that Count Olaf has starred in a lot of bad plays.’
‘Wait,’ Duncan replied. ‘there’s more. After writing the review of One Last Warning, the theatre critic was sacked. Apparently the editor was upset that he had insulted the lead actress. His name was Mr Snicket.’
‘I have a feeling I’ve heard that name somewhere.’
‘Yes, I think so too – perhaps in a song? Anyway, about a week after that, the theatre where the play was showing burnt down – and Mr Snicket was accused of setting it on fire, in revenge for being sacked. But he had left the country, and couldn’t be caught. And a couple of weeks after that, this article appeared. Have a look at it. It explains a lot. Well, sort of explains.’
Duncan pushed the old copy of the Daily Punctilio across to Isadora, who began to read the article he pointed out.
Very Frightening Disclosures: Secret Organisation Linked to Theatre Fire.
We are now in a position to report new developments in the investigation of the fire which destroyed the Ned H. Rirger Theatre two weeks ago. As our readers will remember, Lemony Snicket, a former correspondent with this paper, has been accused of starting the fire. We can now reveal that Mr Snicket is rumoured to have long-standing links with the notorious secret vigilante organisation known as V.F.D.
‘What does “vigilante” mean?’ asked Isadora.
‘It means people who burn things down in order to protect the public,’ Duncan explained.
Isadora went on reading.
This organisation maintains such strict secrecy that it is uncertain what its initials stand for, but suggestions we have heard include Volunteer Fire Department, Volunteers Fighting Danger, Vigilantes Fomenting Destruction, and Very Fantastic Dinosaurs.
At one time the organisation operated in a fairly open manner, purporting to be a society devoted to the extinction of fires, both literal and figurative. However, some eighteen years ago it achieved notoriety when two of its members, a man with a beard and a woman with hair (whose names cannot be printed here for legal reasons), were accused of setting fire to the homes of several prominent citizens. Unfortunately, they disappeared before they could be tried for these crimes.
Since then the organisation has ceased to operate in public, so that it has been widely believed that it no longer exists. However, our sources inform us that it continues in secret. Members communicate by secret codes, use elaborate disguises, conceal valuable items in tea-sets, and can be recognised by –
‘Oh, good heavens!’ said Isadora.
‘Yes, I thought you’d say that’ Duncan replied.
- a tattoo of an eye on their ankle.
Our sources also tell us that V.F.D. has now divided into two factions. One still tries to operate in a peaceful manner; the other has adopted violent methods such as burglary and arson, and seeks to fight fire with fire. However, it is rumoured that some people, possibly including Mr Snicket, may be members of both factions.
But Mr Snicket is not the only person connected with the theatre fire who is linked with V.F.D. Count Olaf Mett, son of the well-known society figures Count Magnus and Countess Frieda Mett, was starring in the play being shown at the theatre at the time of its destruction. We have been informed that Count Olaf is also linked, through his family, with the same secret organisation.
However, when we interviewed Count Olaf, he said ‘I have never heard of the V.F.D. organisation. I was once offered the opportunity to join it, but I refused. In any case, I have now left it’.
The investigation continues.
‘Well,’ asked Duncan, ‘what do you make of that?’
‘I don’t think Count Olaf was telling the truth,’ said Isadora.
‘As a journalist, I agree with you,’ Duncan replied. ‘Clearly he is a member of V.F.D. – the violent faction, I suppose. And I wonder if he burnt the theatre down himself.’
‘Why would he burn down the theatre he was appearing at?’
‘Insurance? Or perhaps he did it to get Mr Snicket into trouble. After all, Mr Snicket had given him several bad reviews. And if he was in the peaceful faction of V.F.D., that would give Olaf another reason to dislike him.’
‘I wonder’ said Isadora ‘if all the people he goes against are connected with V.F.D. Do you think the Baudelaires might be?’
‘Well, I’d have thought they would tell us if they were members of a secret organisation.’
‘But it’s secret.’
‘Well, yes,’ Duncan admitted. ‘But I still doubt it. Their parents might have been, though.’
‘Well, in any case,’ Isadora replied ‘I think this calls for a couplet.
‘This very mysterious organisation
Has filled us all with consternation.
‘We should try to find out more. Even if the organisation is secret, clearly people do know some things about it, otherwise this article couldn’t have been written. So there are probably more reports about it somewhere. Perhaps we should ask the librarian if he knows anything.’
'Good plan,' said Duncan.
They got up and walked to the librarian’s desk. ‘Excuse me,’ Isadora said ‘we were wondering if you knew anything about an organisation called V.F.D.’
The librarian looked at them for a long time. His expression was hard to read. ‘I think’ he said at last ‘that you’d better come into my office.’
