Post by Charlie on Mar 30, 2013 0:56:26 GMT -5
Original idea by Akbar Le Grey
Editorial and stuff
By Charles
Editorial
Hey guys. This month not much has happened. Sorry about last month. Let’s put that behind us. I am really proud of the effort everyone has put in this month, and I’m glad it’s all going so cohesively. Yay for 667. Also, I’ve taken over the role of serial writer and dropped my article thingy. BSam is taking Lemona’s place for the next two months, Anka
Editors Note : If you haven’t read any of my other fan fictions, then what the potato are you doing? Go and read them now. But until then, this story can be enjoyed with knowledge of the events of that story. Just… not fully appreciated
Chapter One
James Ford was an ordinary man, at least you could say that of him
He had a wife, and two children, 8 and 10. He had large glasses, and he always wore the same shirt and tie to work.
He always had three rashers of bacon and two eggs for breakfast. Every day he drove the same way to work, and every day he always bought an ice cream on the way home, even if it was snowing.
He was a rational man, and he was a good man, he was kind, truthful, honest, and helpful.
And one day he made a mistake.
It had been an ordinary day for Mr. Ford. Despite a slight detour in the morning, when he had given the Baudelaires a lift into town, His day had been fairly routine.
And then, something strange had happened.
He was going about his normal work at the police station, when he encountered a odd man, who seemed to know him.
He said strange things, and acted strangely, and was overall very strange. The man had claimed to be called Edward, but his boss Daniel had referred to him as Mister M. And Daniel seemed to know him, as though they had been friends for many years. But this man had walked straight into the police station, and confessed to murder. None of it made any sense. And both Daniel and Officer Guffin had refused to answer his queries.
So he really hadn’t had a choice.
Curiosity rarely got the better of James, but today he had no choice. Despite the oddness of the man, he had somewhat disrupted James’ normal train of thought. Because the man had said one particular thing before he was arrested. He had mentioned James’ memory, and that he might forget things, from the smallest thing in the world to the most important. At first, James thought nothing of it, it was just the talk of a madman. But the more he thought about it, the more he realised how he couldn’t remember things he should remember. Only small things, like what he had watched on TV last night, where he had gone on holiday last summer, and what he’d had for breakfast this morning.
But James always had the same thing for breakfast, three rashers of bacon, two eggs. Why couldn’t he remember what it was?
So he had, in the end, no other choice. He had spied on his boss. It was an awful thing to do, he knew. And he had heard strange things. It seemed to James that he had uncovered some sort of cover-up. Mentions of secret organizations, alliances with a man called Dante, and some thing called V.O.D, whatever that was supposed to mean. And he had nearly been caught as well, but he managed to wriggle his way out of that.
And then something else had happened. The strange man, whatever his name was, had escaped. Vanished. Right from his cell.
And, for some reason, Daniel had blamed him. James was accused of being a spy for this ‘VOFD’ or whatever it was called. And he was locked inside Daniels office. Why he hadn’t been locked up in a cell, he had no idea. And so he was sat in his office accused of being a spy for something he didn’t even understand. But all he could think about was that man.
Suppose he was forgetting things. Important things. What if he knew that man, but had entirely forgotten him? As soon as he managed to get out of here, he had to find that man.
But of course, how was he going to get out of here? He could try and break the door down, but surely that would cause to much of a racket. There was a siezable window, but, well,
James was not exactly slim. The office was full of nothing but paper really, so there was nothing he could use to force his way out. In fact, the office was full to bursting with paper.
Paper, of police reports, all written by Daniel.
Of course!
If he could find evidence of a cover up, he could use it to blackmail his way out!
Several Hours earlier, David Faraday woke up.
His eyes shot open and he saw something he hadn’t expected to see.
He got up, and he turned to his right, and he saw something else he really did not expect to see.
He ran into the kitchen, grabbed a knife, and put it to his small finger.
Then, he plunged into his chest, and he fell down on the floor.
Several minutes later, he remembered.
Several hours had passed for poor old James Ford. The search was difficult, simply due to the vast amount of paper inside the room. However, he had recently uncovered a wealth of information about VFD, which was apparently a secret organization of some kind, but he couldn’t find a single reference to ‘Mister M’ or ‘Edward.’ James could only hope he could find something before Daniels inevitable return.
As the minutes passed on, Daniel continued to pile through the papers, and he became very aware fo just how late in the day it was. He checked his watch. 8.00pm. He’d been there, what? 5 Hours? Where was everyone? Had they all gone home and left him?
He dropped the fat file he was reading (About some ship called Citanti) and placed it on the desk so he wouldn’t lose his place, and ran over to the door. He started off by tapping his fingers lightly and saying ‘Hello? Is anyone there?’, but after several minutes he was banging on the door and shouting for help, tears streaming down his face.
He was so lost in his emotions that it took him several seconds to realise someone had opened the door
‘Are you okay?’ said a voice
James gave a shriek and saw someone he had never seen before. A young girl was standing there, dressed completely in Black. She had black shoes, black tights, a short black skirt, a thick black woolly jumper, black lipstick, and black hair. ‘Er…. Who are you’ he asked
‘Are you okay?’ she said again
‘Um. Yes?’ he guessed
‘What are you doing here?’ she asked
‘I could ask you the same thing.’ he said.
‘I asked first, You answer first.’ she said
‘Well, I er…. I suppose I’ve been arrested’
‘That’s not what I mean. How are you still alive.’
‘What do you mean?’
The Girl went and sat down on the chair. ‘How long have you
been in here?’
‘I think about 5 hours. Why does that matter?’
‘At approximately 4;45pm, A very distressed banker walked into this prison and killed everyone inside.’
James didn’t know how to react to that. ‘Wh… wha.. What do you.. What?’
‘Anyway, My brother and my assistant are busy sorting out
the mess he made, and then we’ve got to find him.’
‘But;.. But how? Why didn’t anyone stop him?’
‘Because nobody can.’
James was very confused and shocked. Killed everyone? But how could one man kill everyone? ‘Who are you?’
‘My name is Bee.’ she offered out her hand to be shook.
‘But what are you doing?’ He ignored her hand.
‘The world is a dark place, James. And its our job to keep everything in check. While you go about your boring routine life, its my job to clean up the mess, shove the secrets back into their hiding places, and make everything look spick and span when the average Joe wakes up in the morning.’
James didn’t know what to do or say next, but eventually he thought of something ‘Why are you here? In this room, I mean. ’
‘I need some information.’
‘Yeah, well good luck with that. I’ve been looking for information for about five hours and haven’t found anything.’
‘Well, maybe you can help.’ Bee got up adn start looking through some of the papers. Im looking for a fiel about a ship called the Citanti. Silent C. It was destroyed in a storm a couple of years ago if that’s any help.’
James remembered, by strange coincidence, that he had just been reading about that very ship. ‘That’s strange, I think I might be able to help you.’ James walked over to the desk, picked up the file on top, and double checked. It was the file
Bee was after. ‘Yes, thought so. This is it.’
‘Ah, lovely. Now, could you put it down on the desk please.;
‘Why?’
‘Just do it.’
James went to put the file back on the desk.
‘Face down.’ Bee said
And after he had put it face down on the desk, he turned to look straight at bee. ‘Listen, I cant let you take -’
‘Don’t even bother. Move away from the desk.’
As he did so, he had to ask ‘Why?’
‘Because I don’t want to get blood all over that nice file.’ Said Bee, as she pulled out a gun and fired, straight trough James’ head.
James Ford was an ordinary man, at least you could say that of him, so it was a shame that on the one day something extraordinary happened to him, he had ended dying.
But then, of course, he realised death was never the end.
He flew out of the world. Out of time and space and being and matter until only the question remained. A question that could never be answered. The great unknown mystery.
Violet Baudelaire- By Tryina Denouement
HOW DARE YOU!- By Sherry Ann
In response to this article from The Washington Post, entitled “Daylight saving time arrived Sunday. Did you ‘spring forward?’”
How dare you!
Every day, millions of Americans complain about sleep deprivation. In fact, some even cite health issues as a problem associated with time change – not being able to see at night without a lighting device, for instance, and getting cold due to temperature drops. When I read your article in The Washington Post, entitled “Daylight saving time arrived Sunday. Did you ‘spring forward?’” I was appalled not only by the gross assumption that we all celebrate this mandatory holiday, but also the blatant libel employed throughout your wretched and plainly offensive article.
The article opens with such a slander: “Daylight saving time has arrived.” In what way is this journalistically objective? Your article assumes we all subscribe to a linear progression of time, in which one hour follows the next. You do not account for those of us who believe in the rectangular clock, or the backwards time continuum, or flying police boxes. This is a flagrant display of discrimination.
But it only gets worse from there. “If you haven’t done it already,” your article reads, “Remember to set your clocks an hour forward.” I was personally shocked by this statement. First, who is to say we all own clocks in the first place? I can’t be the only reader that uses a sundial to cut back on clocking expenses. If you insist on publishing such abominations, at the very least refrain from suggestive “reminders” telling us property owners how to run our devices. The government micromanages our lives enough already. It doesn’t need the media helping it. Indeed, “It’s also a good time to put new batteries in warning devices such as smoke detectors and hazard warning radios.” Exactly who do you think you are?
It is clear from your article that the author has serious favoritism issues: “Some places don’t observe daylight saving time. Those include Hawaii, most of Arizona, Puerto Rico, the Virgin Islands, American Samoa, Guam and the Northern Marianas.” Had you considered, in writing your inconsiderate article, that these places may like to celebrate daylight saving time? How do you think they feel, being called out like this in a nationally circulated paper? Please think more carefully the next time you make random assertions without checking with your victims first.
Finally, “Daylight saving time ends Nov. 3.” According to whom? The only research I can find to support this claim is multiple web sources stating it is true. I see no reason to believe them. Readers of The Washington Post would appreciate it if you could cite credible sources to support your outrageous claims in future.
On behalf of all outraged readers,
Sherry Ann (an outraged reader)
WAQ: Wrongly Asked Questions
by Dante
Question: Have you heard of a book about a girl who goes missing?
Answer: Wrong question. How can a girl be missing when she was seen in two places at the same time?
Question: Which new book was announced this month?
Answer: Wrong question. When Did You See Her Last?, the book codenamed ?2, The Second Question, or the second volume of the All the Wrong Questions series by Lemony Snicket, was announced on February 28th. It is now March.
Question: Are Lemony Snicket’s books coming out once a year now?
Answer: Wrong question. When Did You See Her Last? will be released on October 15th, 2013. Since Who Could That Be At This Hour? was published on October 23rd, 2012, this means that Lemony Snicket will have published two books in the space of a year.
Question: When do we get to see Seth’s second new cover?
Answer: Wrong question. Seth’s cover art for When Did You See Her Last? has already been seen right here.
Question: When did Lemony Snicket announce all this?
Answer: Wrong question. Lemony Snicket didn’t announce anything, although somebody did leak it here:
Question: Who are all those characters on there?
Answer: Wrong question. We don’t know who all the characters on the cover are, but detective work has tentatively identified the characters on the cover as Lemony Snicket, Hangfire, and Dr. Flammarion, although not necessarily in that order or under those names.
Question: Why was that last question wrong?
Answer: Wrong question. This interview is meant to be about All the Wrong Questions, not your paranoia.
Question: Who exactly is asking all these questions?
Answer: [The transcript ends here]
F.D.'S ADVICE COLUMN
Dear Fredy,
I have a song stuck in my head, and normally I'd be all *singing* and it would go away, but it's in a different language, and it's annoying me. What can I do?
From Charlie
Dear Charlie,
Wow, that is really serious, man. I hope you don’t get too nervous reading this, but the procedure usually goes like this: You make an incision on the back of the head and then- this part is a bit tricky- you grab a saw and open that cranium right up. Just go for it. Once all of that is done you can just pull that bad boy out! Hope this helps.
-F.D.
P.S.: After you’re done, I would advise you to close the cranium. Uh… use glue or something.
Dear Pen,
Recently, I spotted my neighbor sneaking out the back window of his home and getting in his car, so I made to follow him. About six miles later he leaves his car and enters the home of a woman I'm sure was expecting him. I waited for a while, but after an hour or so I decided to leave. When I got home, I found we were out of butter. Is margarine a suitable substitute when it comes to baking cookies?
Sincerely,
Urgently In Need of Advice
Dear Urgently,
Is your neighbor still out? I bet he would have butter. You could just go through the back door of his house. That’ll show him for making you follow him for nothing!
-F.D.
P.S.: While you’re at it, you might as well look for some pictures of his family, right?
THE RANT- Featuring BSam
Let's do a Rant!
I had a quite pleasant day yesterday, which makes it
difficult to really rant about anything, as I'm pretty
content with the world. I did have a crazy hangover
when I woke up, but that was more the sambucas fault
for being delicious than my fault, and I've already
forgiven the sambuca. Also work was decent enough,
However I can't say the same about my next Thursday
shift.
Easter is approaching also, and this year that means I
will be working a lot, with two extra til-midnight
shifts, and plenty of extra money.
I work in a supermarket, and because we are closed
for a day (Good Friday), that means everyone will go
crazy and everyone will come shopping on Thursday.
It's going to be a nightmare, but whatever, bring it on.
I'm probably most thankful I don't work in the deli,
specifically the seafood department. As everyone buys
fish for Good Friday, they are going to be smashed. I
need more holidays. The good part about public holidays
is that other people don't want to work them, when this
includes the girls in the office that means I get more
hours in the office, which means more time at work NOT
dealing with customers.
Apologies for the non-focussedness of this rant, but I'm
not in a specifically agitated at anything mood right now.
Let's see If I can't work up some anger issues for next
issue.
Yeah, I need more holidays.
667 Batman- A Serial fic by Charlie
Bat-M looked out of his window, at the moonlit night sky. Nothing seemed amiss to the untrained eye, but he could see that shining in the sky was a light, shaped in the shape of a face. He turned swiftly and his cloak swished behind him.
“Robcas” he shouted up the stairs of his huge mansion.
A small boy ran down the stairs.
“What is it Mister?” he said
“We have to go” Bat-M replied.
Bat-M and Robcas jumped into the Battymobile.
“Hey Bat-M... I love you! Whered’ya wanna go?” the Battymobile said cheerily
“To the lair of the Jokecat” he said gruffly
“Boy oh boy Bat-M! The Jokecat! He’s one funny guy!” said Robcas
“Yeah. Police Comissioner Willis said he was. He escaped from Archive Asylum again”
“Oh no! However will we stand against him!”
“I don’t know Robcas, I don’t know”
The Battymobile pulled up outside a huge warehouse. Robcas and Bat-M got out of her, and rushed in. They pushed through the double doors, and ran near clean into a vat of acid. Right in front of them stood a large man with the face of a cat and a moustache, and a lady wearing what looked like a wetsuit.
“Who’s that Bat-M!” said Robcas
“That’s Mrs. Beeze.” Said Bat-M
The Jokecat burst out in laughter, and started rolling around in hysterics.
“Hello Bat-M” said Mrs. Beeze
“Mrs. Beeze we meet again,” he looked sideways at the Jokecat, “what’s his problem?”
“He fell into a vat of acid, which turned his face into that of a cat’s, made him immortal, gave him a kickass moustache, and caused clinical insanity” she replied
“Actually, I just wanted to know why he was... don’t worry” Bat-M said.
At that moment Mrs. Beeze shot at both Bat-M and Robcas with her freezy-Scotland-gun. The Jokecat momentarily stopped laughing
“Why are you doing this!” said Robcas
“To try and find a cure for my terminally ill wife Kensicle who I have now cryogenically frozen” Mrs. Beeze replied
“Kensicle? More like... Ice-sicle! Hahahahaha,” said the Jokecat before bursting into more laughter, “NOW DIE!” the Jokecat continued, taking out a large novelty gun.
“Nooooooo...” said both Bat-M and Robcas, shielding their faces
To be continued...
ADVERTISMENTS
~Um, if you wouldn’t mind, maybe you’d like to start reading Mister’s fanfiction. If not, then we totally understand, but it’s worth it to the extreme
~Um, if you wouldn’t mind, maybe you’d like to send Pen a PM. If not, then we totally understand, but it’s worth it to the extreme
~Um, if you wouldn’t mind, maybe you’d like to send us in a “How Dare You” response. If not, then we totally understand, but it’s worth it to the extreme
~Um, if you wouldn’t mind, maybe you’d like to read “The Daily Punctilio” Spring Edition. If not, then we totally understand, but it’s worth it to the extreme
~Um, if you wouldn’t mind, maybe you’d like to write for the 667er next month. If not, then we totally understand, but it’s worth it to the extreme
~Um, if you wouldn’t mind, maybe you’d like to come to Willis’ Birthday Hangout thingy. If not, then we totally understand, but it’s worth it to the extreme
~Um, if you wouldn’t mind, maybe you’d like to spread the love by exalting a fellow 667er. If not, then we totally understand, but it’s worth it to the extreme
~Um, if you wouldn’t mind, maybe you’d like to join the admin team for the 667er. If not, then we totally understand, but it’s worth it to the extreme
ASSORTED ARTICLES
Insanity- By Ellie Spinelli
Insanity...
A word which here means the overall description of circumstances when two or more members of Ellie's family get together.
Recently I had family visiting and whether you care about our shenanigans or not, this is what you get when I can't think of a proper article. The following is more or less the transcript of our airport experience.
Characters:
Mother Dearest - first camerman
Ellie - second cameraman
Carmen - cousin numero uno and fictional bride to be, overdramatic to the highest degree and quite loud.
Luca - other cousin and unsuspecting future groom.
Tia Lulu - aunt and co-conspirator, has a high-pitched voice, is also overdramatic, and also loud. (for pronunciation's sake, its THEE-ah Lulu)
Assorted airport employees and travelers - themselves
(Names have been changed to protect the -innocent- guilty)
Scene one
Four people in a car on the way to the airport. Mother Dearest is driving, Tia Lulu is in the passenger seat and Carmen and Ellie are in the back.
Tia Lulu: Hey! Hey! Hey! We gotta do something to Luca at the airport. Some big and crazy to embarrass him. What do you think about pretending he's a rock star and we all go running to him shouting his name and asking for autographs?!?!
Carmen: Yeah! Or one of us could pretend to be getting married to him and propose in front of everyone!
(Rest of group agree with this second idea)
Ellie: You should be waiting for him down on one knee when he comes out.
Tia Lulu: We should get a flower! Preferably something cheap. Wilted really, we can tell him he killed it. Let's run to one of the local grocery stores and find one.
Scene closes with car headed towards a Kroger, or whatever grocery store near you that you can visualize while reading this...
Scene Two
All four women are standing in a open space near the baggage claim area of the airport, ahead of them are stairs and escalators with travelers coming down. Scattered around the perimeter of the lobby are a few airport employees but overall it is fairly empty because it's an off day and in between flights.
Tia Lulu: We're here early, his plane won't land for a more minutes.
Mother Dearest: (holding an iPad awkwardly) Can someone tell me how I'm supposed to record on this thing?!
Carmen: (putting her face into the camera and sniffing a wilted rose) *sniff* *sniff* *snnnnnnnnniiiiiiiiiffffffffff* Yep! Smells like I'm getting married!!!
(A couple of airport guys near us watch as Carmen practices the proposal and dances around. At one point we were singing "That's Amore" rather loudly and off-key and making up more than a few of the words. "When the moon's in the sky like a big pizza pie, That's amore...!" )
Carmen: (turning to a traveler coming from the stairs) Excuse me, are you coming from the Georgia flight?
Traveler: No, sorry.
Carmen: Oh, thank you. I'm about to get married and he's coming in from Georgia.
Traveler #1: Congratulations!
Carmen: (talking to another traveler) Excuse me, are you coming from the Georgia flight?
Traveler #2: Nope.
Carmen: Oh that's too bad. I'm waiting for my future husband to come in on the Georgia plane. I'm gonna get married! Oh, unless you want to marry me first?!
Traveler #2: No, no thanks.
Ellie: Wow, Carmen, he didn't even hesitate. Sad.
(A little while later, more passengers have come and gone and Carmen has surprised a few with her good news. A little elderly asian lady is ecstatic at the idea. Finally, passengers from the Georgia plane show up, the lobby and baggage claim are full from several flights, and the girls spy Luca on the upper level approaching the escalators. It is a long, slow ride down...)
All: (jumping and pointing) There he is! There he is!
(Carmen runs towards the escalator, flower in hand; Tia Lulu runs waving her arms)
Carmen and Tia Lulu: Luca! Luca! Luca!
(I interject here to point out that my aunt has by this time forgotten the whole plan about the proposal - nevermind the fact that it's all we've talked about for the the thirty minutes or so we've waited - and she is attempting the rock star routine.)
Carmen (dropping to one knee at the bottom of the escalator and shouts): Luca! Love of my life!! Will you marry me?
Luca: (quietly)Yes. (Forgive him for his lackluster response, the poor guy was super tired and hungry by the time he arrived.)
(a few cheers go up from other travelers and we make our way towards the exit, all the while Carmen and Luca are walking arm in arm and she is occasionally shouting that they've just gotten married.)
Fun facts:
-The rose cost a dollar. My aunt couldn't talk the store employees into just giving it to her even though it was practically dead. Compromise.
-At the end one of the other travelers said to the happy couple: "Congratulations. It'll last about seventeen years and then you'll both get over it." ()
-Luca is homosexual, and in reality that's pretty obvious to anyone who looks at him. I can't even begin to imagine how confused people were.
-That little asian lady? We saw her again as we were leaving. She saw my cousins and I've never seen anyone so giddy about complete strangers. It made her day. We inspired the world with hope and love. *sheds tear*
So this issue is at the moment missing a column from Bee and our Lurker, I'll harass them a bit more, and see if I can't modify this with them in it in a day or so