I have a list on my computer, suprisingly.
-Gain some sort of religion.
-Plot out a suitable revenge to whomever for whatever.
-Have a CD collection edging on 27,000
-Prove to my ‘friends’ at school that they do, indeed, have problems, but not the ones they pretend and wish to have.
-Meet various people including but not limited to D squared (Daniel Handler and Donna Tartt, respectively) and M cubed (Merritt: the Musical Messiah)
-Do the whole “Cryptozoology Thing”.
-Make some sort of literary contribution.
-Either fall in love and marry or become a spinster with five cats named Gabe, Francis, Arabella, Fredrick, and Loffy Moffy Doodles. [Game: Find the name which doesn’t belong!]
-Visit the gravesites of various people and mourn appropriately. Ex: That time when Lauren and I went on that John Lennon Mourning Spree? It would have been somewhat funny if we did that at his gravesite. I’m not sure why, it just would be.
-Fly in a hot air balloon.
-Become less of a liar.
-Do less of the whole “Withholding Information” thing.
-Decide what my favorite number actually is. 27 (“Wessex Papers” obsession)? 69 (Magnetic Fields obsession)? Pi? [Pantone] 292? I honestly don’t know where to start.
-Cease to be dull.
-Experience living in poverty.
-Experience living in freakish wealth.
-Live in all the major American Cities, possibly all major cities worldwide.
-Perpetuate some major hoax.
-Learn how to speak Latin/Greek/French/Italian. (Semperidem!)
-Live alone.
-Try living with roommates, possibly one named Lorelei?
-Jury Duty (!) for an interesting crime
-Go to a karaoke night and sing various songs, good and bad. Perhaps “Black Cadillacs” by Modest Mouse, followed by “Oops! I Did It Again” by Britney Spears. For the comical effect.
-Try Absinthe.
-Attempt participating in ”Dionysian Frenzy”, preferably without killing anyone.
* I’d like to point out that the above aren’t directly linked to my love of “The Basic Eight” or “The Secret History”. The facts are: A) I’ll never actually do these things, B) I would have found out about these anyway, and been just as interested, and C) I really don’t want Daniel Handler or Donna Tartt to get slapped with a lawsuit.
-Actually go around prodding people with sticks, moderately sharp, about three feet long.
-Wear a pinstriped suit (equipped with pin-striped hat) out.
-Watch the entire collection of those TV shows I like.
-Have a movie made about my life.
-Have the band One Ring Zero score it.
-Have my favorite line from ‘The Secret History’ put on my tombstone, right above my name and date of death/birth, because it’d be rather humorous. “In short: it seemed as if my life were tainted in some subtle but essential way.”
-Pretend to be a hobo, for one night.
-Get arrested for activism
-Get arrested in a foreign country, preferably a kind, U.S. friendly country.
-Pay someone a lot of money to let me make a record, and then just say “Hum…You know, maybe this will look a bit “Paris Hilton”. Nevermind” after it’s ready.
-Break up a popular band that I like before they get boring, possibly by dating one of the members.
-Pay someone to pretend to assassinate me—a boring, everyday, unknown person—in a crowded shopping mall. Play it up really well.
-Watch “UHF” in its entirety.
-Arrange to have a closed casket funeral. Then, before I die—possibly whilst writing my will? —I can tape-record myself banging on things and saying “HELP! HELP! But I’m not dead!” Then, get a trusted friend to put the recording in my casket. In the middle of the service, the tape will start playing. At the “But I’m not dead yet!”, said friend will run up, yelling “You will be in a minute!” and begin brutally assaulting the casket until the tape runs out.
-It occurs to me that some of these will take place when I’m dead. But I’d like to point out to any nitpickers that the arrangements, at least, would be made before I die.
-Just go all around the country and call random people up and pretend to be a relative or old friend and see how long I can stay with them. You know, like in that one commercial? I loved that commercial.
-Be “emo”.
-Be a “punk”
-Be a “teenybopper”
-Be “myself”
-“Please Bury Me With It” by Modest Mouse would be another cool song to play at a funeral. (“But when my free time’s gone, would you promise me this? Will you PLEASE BURY ME WITH IT!”) Or “Ocean Breathes Salty”. (“You wasted life, why wouldn’t you waste the afterlife?”)
-Invent a machine of mass destruction; hold a meeting with the leaders of, as the ineffable George ‘Dubya’ Bush says, “The Axis Of Evil”; attempt to sell it, and then go all ‘Tortured Artist’ on them all and yell “YOU DON’T UNDERSTAND MY WORK! MY MASTERPIECE! MY REASON FOR LIVING! LOOK AT THE SMOOTH CONTOURS! THE WAY THE LIGHT SHINES ON IT WITH THAT OTHERWORLDLY GLOW! AND YOU DON’T APPRECIATE IT! WHY SHOULD IT EVEN EXIST!?” and promptly destroy it. Right in front of them.
-Manage to make “Happy Noodle” into the new slang term. Ex: “Dude, he went like, all happy noodle on him!” or “That is SO happy noodle!” (note--my friend Taryn and I are well on the way of doing so)
-Make the use of “LOL!” punishable by a date with the guillotine.
-Invent a time machine and go back to yesterday and not make this stupid list.