Antenora
Detriment Deleter
Fiendish Philologist
Put down that harpoon gun, in the name of these wonderful birds!
Posts: 15,891
Likes: 113
|
Post by Antenora on Dec 23, 2004 17:38:55 GMT -5
Search result for "I love Alice" I like this bit: “There’s not much I can say about Antenora, Senator.” Ms. L murmured. She was sitting on John Kerry’s lap, awkwardly, and she didn’t really know what she should do. John was doing all the talking...asking questions. He was certainly charming her...And, what she had recognized as absinthe while everyone else insisted that it was punch, wasn’t exactly helping. “I’m very loyal to my students you know...”And this bit: A thick white fog in the shape of a very state-ly man had suddenly appeared in place of Daniel. Nader gasped. He recognized the man from somewhere...
“Millard Fillmore?” Ralph shivered slightly...Wasn’t Fillmore supposed to be long deceased?
The fog smiled, and nodded. “President Fillmore, if you please.” The ghost of Ex-President Millard Fillmore stated.
Ralph found it hard to breathe.
And the rest of it!
|
|
|
Post by Snicket on Dec 30, 2004 21:01:10 GMT -5
Even though I have only read the first two chapters so far, I have to say, well done. Even though I am not pimply faced, I would have fainted at the sight of seeing john kerry.
|
|
|
Post by Alice Wilde on Jan 15, 2005 15:28:58 GMT -5
All right. I've decided to take advantage of the R-rating and added some swearing, and much more open sexuality in this chapter, but all of that can be removed at the moderator's discretion.
***** Secret island off the coast of ______ It was the rarest, most especial moments in history. President George W. Bush sat at the head of a small conference table surrounded by the Prime Minister of Israel, the late Prime Minister of Iran, Vice President Cheney, Secretary Condoleezza Rice, and God, the Lord of Heaven and Earth himself. Osama Bin Laden stood in a corner, in a presidential-imposed “time out”.
“Now.” The president stated, his high-pitched, Texan accent seeping through his superior tone. “Mr. Prime Minister, Mr. Prime Minister...I want you to shake hands. But, first let’s pray”
Dick Cheney cleared his throat. “Mr. President, let’s not...”
“Dear Lord,” George began, steepling his fingers in reverence, and glaring at his bald subordinate.
“God is right here, can’t you just-” Dick began.
“Dear Lord.” George repeated. The room bowed their heads, except for God, who stood and soaked up the attention. Dick looked down. “I thank you for this vickshuree today, Father...”
“Vickshuree, Mr. President?” Condoleezza interrupted. George glared at her.
“Yes, Miss Rice. V- I-K-S-T-O-R-Y. Vickshuree. Look it up in the big word book, if you don’t believe me.” The president grunted, and mumbled an apology to God. The two Prime Ministers whispered in their respective languages. Osama coughed.
“...I thank you that we have finally ackompolished peace in the Middle East. Hopefully, with your help, God” George continued, casting a glance at the aforementioned deity. “... them two Prime Ministers shaking hands will finally put an end to the terrorism that has contapured them for so long. Also, please kill the all the fags. Except for Dick’s lesbian daughter. ...who is a lesbian. In Jesus’s name I pray, Amen.”
“About that Jesus part...” God cleared his throat. “They say that we’re the same person...really we’re not. Jesus is a liberal and eats babies while I-”
An FBI agent dashed into the room.
“Mr. President-” He started, sweat dripping down his face.
“Shhh.” George put a finger to his lips. “GOD is talking.”
“Actually, you might want to take this.” God looked at the agent, whose eyes burst into flames. God, remembering that He couldn’t gaze upon anyone but political officials and Mel Gibson, murmured an apology and promised the agent a “Get Out of Hell Free” card, redeemable upon his death.
“Code Rose!” The agent rubbed his eyes, wildly. “Code Rose in the White House!”
The only sound heard for several minutes were the agent’s cries as he attempted to tear both ocular nerves from his eye sockets.
“Sex…in the White House?” Dick said. “That hasn’t happened since the Clinton administration...”
“Code Rose.” George ran his fingers down his face. “God, who would defile my home with their...nastiness?”
“John Edwards.” God answered. He sighed. “You know, it’s times like this that make me wish I’d never told you about that potato ing apple tree...”
“John Edwards?” The Israeli Prime Minister said, pronouncing the name. “But...he’s hot. It can not be him.”
“‘Cha.” The Iranian Prime Minister’s ghost agreed. “It’s got to be, like, Kerry or something.”
“No, Kerry wasn’t part of the daycare center...” God said.
“daycare center?” The President screamed. “The Democrats are having an daycare center at in the White House? Without me? This...” His eyes glistened with angry tears. “This is an outrage! Dick! Condi! We’re going home!”
“But...it’s just sex. I mean...can’t it wait until we establish peace in the Middle East, Mr. President? We’re so close to not being made fun of every night on fake news shows...” Condoleezza said.
George scowled. “Of course it can’t wait! People are having sexual intercourse with more than the appropriate number of people! That’s bad! People can’t do that! Come on, we must put a stop to this!”
At this point, Osama Bin Laden got up, pulled out an Uzi 9mm Sub Machine Gun and ran out of the room, crying “Praise Allah!”, while the Prime Ministers proceeded to get in a full-blown man-on-ghost fist fight. The president ignored the chaos around him.
He was going to take back the White House...kicking ass, and taking names. Well. Kicking ass, at least.
********* Meanwhile, back at the White House...
Pandora slammed John Edwards against the bathroom door.
Sure, the daycare center was over. And, someone had been murdered. But, in times of trouble, people tend to get...closer.
“John...” Pandora whispered, touching his hair. “What else is going to happen tonight?”
John reached behind her neck, rested his hand there. “What do you mean? Tonight wasn’t planned, you know.”
“Well, you certainly didn’t invite us here to discuss the election.” She pressed her lips against his. “I mean, come on. Absinthe, inviting almost everyone besides yourself and Senator Kerry that we fangirled on 667...You wanted us here for a reason. And, well...I can only think of two possibilities.”
“Oh?” John’s hands wrapped around her waist. “Tell me.”
“It’s either lust...” She looked into his eyes. “Or love.”
John pulled away. Pandora stared. He smiled.
“I can assure you it’s the latter. I love...”
And, from then on, there were no more words.
*******
John Kerry, Sam, Trish and J moved Snicker’s corpse from the living room to the enormous kitchen, leaving Ken to amaze everyone else with his intelligence by questioning every answer they told him.
“This kid should have cut down on the Fried Twinkies.” Kerry grunted, shoving the listless body into the freezer. It was impossible. They would have to cut something off to get him to fit.
“Someone go get Walter.” J murmured, gazing at the body. Snicker didn’t look so bad when he was bruised and bleeding like that.
Kerry offered to go find the sword (who, incidentally, was wooing Will Parry), leaving the three alone.
“Whoa.” Trish sighed, leaning against a cabinet, feeling very content. “It’s been a good night.”
“Indeed.” Sam said, grabbing her hand. J frowned, then smiled, savoring what had happened over the past few hours.
“Well, I suppose the major highlights of tonight were all of us having the best sex of our natural born lives, and Snicket dying. Which are both horrorshow.” She mused aloud.
Sam tilted his head, pulling Trish toward him. He smirked. “You know, I don’t think I ever got the chance to do anything with you two in the bedroom...”
J raised an eyebrow. “Right here?” She asked. They were in the middle of the White House kitchen, and who knew when Kerry would be back? But, it did sound kind of exciting...
Trish nuzzled near her e-husband. “I’m game.” She said.
“I am too.” J said, looking at Sam.
“Then it’s settled.” He grinned.
And, it was.
*********
“And, the category is ‘Election Candidates’ for $500.” Ralph Nader intoned, very Alex Trebek-like. “All right, Ken, I am a third party candidate, I ran in the most recent election, lost miserably, as everyone predicted, and I founded the Public Citizen Research Group.”
Ken banged his hand against the wall. “Who is you?” He yelled.
“Correct!” Ralph laughed. The rest of the room (everyone but Sam, Trish, J, Pandora, John, and Kerry) cried “Ken wins again!”, and bombarded the seventy-four time Jeopardy winner with their own answers.
“Ken.” Daniel Handler waved his arms. “Pick ‘People I’m In Love With’ for $100!”
“All right.” Ken poised his hand over the wall.
“The answer is: I met her tonight at this party, she has only made out with John Edwards, and I find her a very charming person to talk to.” Daniel said.
“Who is...” Ken pondered. “...I...I don’t know.” He curled into a fetal position. “Oh, God, it’s my last episode all over again.”
Sirius looked at the one Marauder he would pick over all others. “Who is Remus!?” He bellowed. Remus rolled his eyes.
“No, though he does seem lovely.” Daniel admitted.
“Who is M?” Ms. L suggested. She hadn’t been keeping up with who had been where doing what, but she was reasonably sure that M hadn’t had sex with Edwards yet.
“Nope, I don’t think I’ve spoken with her, yet.”
Antenora had an idea. She grabbed her purse, and pulled out a tiny doll of President Bush whose legs, curiously, were on fire.
“Who is this doll?” She cried, holding it out.
“I thought you of all people, Antenora, would know this one.” Daniel said, eyes boring into hers.
The doll fell out of her hands. “Who...who is me?” Antenora whispered. Daniel Handler...in love with her? Impossible.
“Correct.” Daniel said. The room watched in a hushed silence as he walked over and gave her the grand prize.
*******
John Kerry wandered down the White House halls, looking for Walter. He was sure that Michael had dropped in the living room, but, when he had checked, he found nothing more than an ardent caress from Ms. L.
Ms. L. God, he loved her. She almost made up for little John’s...dare he think it? Could John be-
Kerry ran into John and Pandora, who were both putting their clothes back on.
“Oh, my.” He muttered. The urge to cross himself sprang back from his childhood. He backed away, shocked, saddened.
“John!” John cried. Pandora grimaced.
“I always play the temptress who led the man astray.” She mumbled. John apologized to her, and ran after other John, but not before running into a Secret Service agent with mousy brown hair reaching down to his shoulders.
"Sorry." John said to the agent and jogged off. "S'not a problem." The agent called after him. Pandora looked at his ID badge which read Jesus Christ.
"Your parents must have had really big expectations of you." She commented.
"Only my father." Jesus replied.
Pandora nodded and turned to leave.
"Who is on his way now." Jesus added.
"What?" She asked, turning back, leaning against the wall.
"God is on his way here." Jesus said. "He thinks you're all an enormous bunch of sinners. I happen to think what happened here tonight was fine, but, Dad’s a bit of a control freak. And, He's bringing a rabid band of Republicans with him."
"Oh. Well. That sucks." Pandora felt that she should add more to the subject. "Err. What should we do?"
"I'll take care of it." Jesus dismissed the matter with a shrug of his shoulders, vanishing.
*******
John Kerry stopped running. He was being childish. There was absolutely no reason to believe that his relationship with John Edwards anything more than hot gay sex. After all, John was a freak. Like Rick James supa-freaky.
"John!” Edwards called. He felt awful for hurting Kerry’s feelings, though he wasn’t quite aware of what he had done that made him feel the way he did. “What’s the matter?”
"You've had sex and/or made out with everyone at this party." Kerry replied. He didn’t want to seem envious, if what they had was only a long fling.
Edwards bit his lip. He had been whorish at this party. But...it's not like he didn't like everyone here.
"It just sort of...happened, John. I thought you'd be doing the same things with those other people...I didn't know you missed the daycare center."
"daycare center?" Kerry clenched his fists. Breathed. Shook his head. "Look, John. I just want to know...Is there...Was there anything between...?"
"Of course. But, there's something between everyone here. It's like...we all are entwined in this...love...thing."
"There are 30 people here?" Kerry asked.
Edwards nodded.
"Well, I guess…It's a...love…thingagon, then." Kerry approached Edwards, getting so close to him he could feel the warmth of his body along his skin, hear his deep masculine breathing…
Clang!
Someone had just thrown a small chunk of metal at the White House. Kerry looked out the window to see a seething crowd of Republicans, and the Dear Lord God on the front lawn.
"salsa." Kerry said. He grabbed Edwards's hand, and ran out the door. *******
"Burn the White House!" The President cried, a torch blazing in his left hand. He had just gotten off a long plane flight and needed a nap. But he could not sleep until he had gotten his house back. "Shoot 'em all!"
"Yeah!" The howling mob agreed.
"Let's kill 'em with the power of our MUSIC!" A clean-cut country western singer shrieked.
"Yeah!" The President cried.
"Yeah!" The mob agreed.
"Someone had better call Usher." God joked, conjuring up storm clouds. Rain began to fall from the night sky, blocking the idyllic full moon, and anyone’s hope of this protest not ending in bloodshed. ******
Everyone had gathered in the living room, breathless and fearing for their lives.
"What are we going to do?" M asked, clutching both Remus's and Ken's hands. Ford clung to the tiny George Bush doll, while the everyone else huddled against the wall furthest from the front door.
John Edwards stepped forward. "Ladies, and Gentleman…I don’t think there’s anything we can do. I…I’m sorry." His eyes began to water. "I...think this might be it."
"Oh, dear God, not again. You Americans suck, you know that right?" Bob Brown said.
"I thought that's why you liked us." Alice muttered.
There was a loud cracking noise from the front door, and, suddenly…
“ Don't tell my heart, my achy breaky heart I just don't think he'd understand...And if you tell my heart, my achy breaky heart he might blow up and kill this man... Ooooooo...” “We’re all going to DIE!” Will Parry wailed, in a uncharacteristic manner.
"Drama, drama, drama." said an ominous voice from the kitchen. Jesus walked into the room, an angelic burst of light surrounding him. Will looked upon him, and began to sob.
"Stop crying." Jesus ordered.
Will did, though not with out a few hugs first.
"Now." The king of Jews began. "You are here for a reason. God hates you all because you have slept with a lot of people in one night. And, one of you killed a teenager. The first one is more important."
"Wait." Bill Maher said. "How do you know that God hates us?"
“He's Jesus. I think." J squinted. "Yeah, he looks like Jesus."
“Look at yourselves. Wouldn't you hate it if your children had a completely hot/sweet love...thing, and didn't invite you? That’s how my Dad feels about you." Jesus questioned.
"Well, besides the whole incest thing..." Ms. L nodded.
"Incest is hot, though." Pandora, Trish, J, and Alice said in unison.
"And, this is why you are all going straight to hell." Jesus murmured. "But, anyway. There is only one thing you can do to please God, and not die. You must suffer for the rest of your lives, condemned to hate and despise each other whilst wallowing in your own hopeless despair."
"What can we do, O Merciful Jesus?" Ken asked, flinging himself at the Messiah's feet.
"You must..." The rest of Jesus's words were drowned out by a high-pitched rip in time and space.
Fifty-five seconds later, they all were gone.
Outside the White House, the angry mass of Republicans pushed their way inside, led by a cheering president and God.
There was a pause.
"Where'd they go?" George Bush asked, looking about the House. All of the rooms were empty.
God flung a priceless bit of American history across the room. "Jesus." He spat.
|
|
Antenora
Detriment Deleter
Fiendish Philologist
Put down that harpoon gun, in the name of these wonderful birds!
Posts: 15,891
Likes: 113
|
Post by Antenora on Jan 15, 2005 15:38:46 GMT -5
Alice...I'm speechless. You're a terrible person and you're going to hell. See you there(It says "Alice is Wonderful". I'm awful at freehanding text)
|
|
|
Post by Alice Wilde on Jan 15, 2005 17:04:52 GMT -5
Thank you, 'Nora. Also...I just felt I had to post these...
|
|
Antenora
Detriment Deleter
Fiendish Philologist
Put down that harpoon gun, in the name of these wonderful birds!
Posts: 15,891
Likes: 113
|
Post by Antenora on Jan 15, 2005 17:38:58 GMT -5
May I steal the "President John Kerry" ad for my sig? Also, this photo might interest you:
|
|
no-one
Reptile Researcher
Posts: 28
Likes: 1
|
Post by no-one on Jan 15, 2005 17:49:31 GMT -5
“Then it’s settled.” He grinned. And, it was. oh, it was alright wonderful ;D
|
|
|
Post by MelonB1088 on Jan 15, 2005 19:02:56 GMT -5
...*wibble*
|
|
|
Post by Alice Wilde on Jan 16, 2005 15:26:13 GMT -5
May I steal the "President John Kerry" ad for my sig? Sure go ahead. EEEEEEE. I love that doll.
|
|
Sephiroth
Bewildered Beginner
One Winged Angel
Posts: 8
|
Post by Sephiroth on Jan 21, 2005 15:59:28 GMT -5
I hate you all! I AM NOT GAY! I AM PERFECTLY STRAIGHT! VAI A L'INFERNO! You all suck and I hate you Go to hell, Commander Soluna
|
|
|
Post by Alice Wilde on Mar 11, 2005 19:54:48 GMT -5
Las Vegas is a very strange place. It can be seen from space, and is the only place where Jesus Christ, almost 30 other people, and their towels can appear outside a wedding chapel with only the meagerest of applause, and a snort from someone claiming that they did it with mirrors.
"Oh my..." A young man whispered, passing by. He fell to his feet, and grasped one of the towels. "She's the most....beautiful....thing...ever..."
Pandora noticed something. She wasn't wearing the clothes that she had been. Instead, she was now dressed in a bridal gown and holding a small bouquet of flowers. She looked around her. The girls that had been at the party were dressed in a similar fashion while the men were dressed in white tuxedos.
"Er..." Sark adjusted his cufflinks and stared at the Son of the Holy Trinity, who was dressed as Elvis. "Why are...?"
"You're getting married. All of you. To each other." Jesus replied.
"But..." John Kerry began. "I am married."
Jesus sighed and dusted some dirt off of his white jumpsuit. "I know."
"Polygamy?" Sam asked. "Marriage? That's our torture?"
"Looks like it." Ken said. He clapped his hands, looking more enthused than he had ever looked on Jeopardy! "EEE. I can have sex with you all after this.”
Antenora cleared her throat. "Erm, Mr. Christ?" She asked, dressed like the others. "I don't mean to...It's just that...Well, I'm sure that everyone here is pleasant enough but I don't know a lot of you, which isn’t the basis for a healthy relationship, let alone a marriage..."
Trish coughed. "It does seem difficult. And, I don't believe that this is legal..."
"I would prefer not to marry women." Bob Brown said.
The mob of fiances began clamoring against their forced vows. It was one thing to marry...but to be made to marry, especially by Jesus?
That was outrageous. Besides it was only sex. In some cases, not even that.
A few people did not cry out. John Edwards, Kerry, Alice, Sirius, Remus, Pandora, Ken, M, and Sam stepped back from the crowd, showing that they did not mind the wedding. The others, now beginning a chant of "The thought of my marriage to many others is more than a little unsettling!" took notice, yet did not seem to care.
That is, until Will Parry saw the piano player that would change his life.
Her name was Ila. She had blond hair and did not have a British accent. Will found her attractive immediately.
"Are we going to have a wedding here, or not?" Ila asked, sighing, as she exited the chapel. Ugh. How she despised the things. Happy, drunken couples would enter and leave, only to wake up tomorrow next to someone they scarely knew and would not have spoken to had it not been for the wine...without a pre-nup. Terrible bastards, squandering everything on something as idiotic as marriage. "We sure are." Will said, rushing toward her.
"Hello." She surveyed him. Nice piece of meat. She'd hit it.
"Will you marry me?" Will asked, kneeling.
"...Are you drunk?"
"Not entirely."
"Very well." Ila said. "Let's go buy a ring."
"Wait a minute!" J shouted. "What about us?"
The mob quieted.
Will shook his head. “J...I... I’ve fallen for her. No rhyme or reason. I love...this woman." He pointed to Ila, knowing that the next question he should ask her would be her name.
"What? How?" J paused, glaring at him. Her voice was quiet but hard. "How do you know you love her?"
The book star grinned. "I just want to make her happy for the rest of her life." Will said. "I want to see her face light up on Christmas and/or any other December holiday, I want to give her flowers in the spring...if she doesn’t have allergies or asthma..."
"That's not love. I feel like that about everyone here. Except for M." J placed her hands on her hips.
Will bit his lip and moved toward Ila.
Bill Maher glanced at J. "Wait...you feel that way about everyone?"
"I know I do." Ms. L and Daniel Handler said, simultaneously.
"I don't." Zemrae sniffed. "I don't like anyone here." "Then, why did you have sex with John Edwards?" Jesus asked the boy, puzzled.
Zemrae said nothing for a long moment then turned and ran away.
"I knew it." Alice whispered behind her hand to Ford Prefect, who nodded.
"Yes." J answered Bill's question. "But, like I said, that's not love. It doesn't matter."
"It is love. I know, because I feel the same way about...well, about everyone here." Ralph Nader gestured to the party.
Bill sighed. "I suppose you all are...quite amazing." He muttered, suddenly developing an interest in his shoes.
Antenora began to say something yet found herself staring at everyone. She couldn't decide who she wanted to talk to the most...all of them must know how she felt... "Quite amazing, indeed." She laughed. This wedding would be a big risk...but, hey, at least, she would be able to say she had gotten married by Jesus Christ himself in Vegas to a crowd of her e-friends and a number of famous people.
Silence crossed over them.
"Ahem." Pandora stepped forward, holding Sirius's and Remus's hands. "We" [she pointed to the men next to her] "were going to get married tonight anyway..." Sirius and Remus grinned.
Bob Brown stuttered. "...I don't like..."
"Marriage is such a big commitment..." Trish rubbed her temples. Her head hurt.
Sam got down on his knees and clung to both of their legs. "But, I...we,” [gesture toward party] “...love you so much...I'm just a hopeless drunk without you, Trishy, and Senator Brown...you're cool."
"Oh, Sam...I...I guess I can..." Trish mumbled.
"Right back at you, baby,” Bob Brown took off his sunglasses and hugged Sam.
"Pardon me, but I don't want to marry any of you...Save your sick-o love fest for someone else." Ila said, edging away from them.
"Wait!" Will cried, chasing after her. "I don't want to marry any of them either."
J grabbed Walter. "Get out of here, Parry. We don't want you anyway." She said, brandishing the sword.
"Yes!" John Edwards cried, putting his hand on J's shoulder. "Good riddance."
Bob Brown extended the hug to J. Jesus rolled his eyes and turned to the party. "Your views on the marriage?"
"I do!" They said.
"Very well."
"Wait!" John Kerry raised his hands in the air. "I just want to say something first. This party has changed me. I knew that I was going to have fun tonight...I never thought I would find so many people who I loved...I....I'm sorry for acting so terribly when I discovered a few of you liked little John. I mean, he is the one who brought us together... I believe that we all love him. I believe we all love each other, as well." He ran his fingers through his hair, chuckling. "I'm sorry, this is the one speech I wasn't prepared for..."
Edwards stood up. "I love you, John. I love you, everyone. Really, truly, wholly..."
"Enough! On with the wedding. You’ll have plenty of time to show your love by taking care of hangovers, and various bruises tomorrow, not to mention I have to heal some kid in China." Jesus cleared his throat. "Dearly beloved...."
"Wait!" The young man who had sodomized the towel in previous paragraphs waved his hand. "Did you say something about a marriage?"
"Yes.” Jesus motioned to the crowd of people dressed in wedding wear in front of him.
"My name is Derik." The man said. "I want to marry this towel."
"...the potato ?"
"Please?" Derik held the towel aloft.
"I hear every Christian’s prayers. And, that, by far, is the single oddest thing I’ve ever been asked.” Jesus blinked then checked his matching white leather watch. “Then again, I’m on a schedule. What is your towel's name?" "Colin."
The King of the Jews held a hand over the young man and towel. "Derik and Colin, I pronounce you married in Canada, Holland, and most of Russia. You have my blessing. Go away."
"Thank you." Derik cried, at which point he stole a car and drove to the border, presumably to live a happier life than most Americans.
“Ahem." Jesus assumed a more serious face. "Dearly Beloved, we are gathered together here in the sign of God – and in the face of this company – to join together these men and these women in holy matrimony, which is commended to be honorable among all men; and therefore – is not by any – to be entered into unadvisedly or lightly – but reverently, discreetly, advisedly and solemnly. Into this holy estate these 28+ persons present now come to be joined. If any person can show just cause why they may not be joined together – let them speak now or forever hold their peace."
He paused. Pandora rubbed against Remus and Sirius, the way a cat might do to her masters...Trish, Sam, and Bob held hands...Edwards put his arms around as many people as he could...Ms. L whispered sweet nothings to Kerry...Ralph Nader could feel Millard Fillmore's presence at the scene...Bill allowed J to rest her head on his shoulder...Love, love, sweet love. No one said a thing.
"Do you men take these women to be your wives – to live together after God’s ordinance – in the holy estate of matrimony? Will you love them, comfort them, honor and keep them, in sickness and in health, for richer, for poorer, for better, for worse, in sadness and in joy, to cherish and continually bestow upon them your heart’s deepest devotion, forsaking all others, keep yourselves only unto them as long as you all shall live?"
"We do, and will." said the men.
"And, do you women take these men to be your husbands – to live together after God’s ordinance – in the holy estate of matrimony? Will you love them, comfort them, honor and keep them, in sickness and in health, for richer, for poorer, for better, for worse, in sadness and in joy, to cherish and continually bestow upon them your heart’s deepest devotion, forsaking all others, keep yourselves only unto them as long as you all shall live?"
"We do and will." said the women.
"You may now kiss the brides." Jesus finished, dabbing his eyes. He always seemed to cry at weddings.
“I love you all.” They said together. “I really truly do.”
- - - - - - - - -
Epilogue
The above was the true account of the Great Mass Wedding of 2005.
The Republicans found out about the wedding hours after the fact and attempted to stop the legalization of it. The story of the party, though true, was so outlandish that no one believed it had ever happened, not even those tabloids you always see at the supermarket claiming that Ashley Olsen is on crystal meth. The wedding remained a secret until 2006 when the Supreme Court declared it constitutional. The spouses who were married that one wonderful night took the surname “Edwards” for it was John Edwards they owed their marriage to.
This prompted the Great Mass Suicide of 2006, when, using guns lent from the National Rifle Association (NRA), all of the Republicans in the Senate, House, and the White House killed themselves. They were not missed. God needed the company anyway.
John Edwards, and Antenora ran in the 2008 election, eventually beating Arnold Schwarzenegger by what was described as “eighty zillion votes” by Amy Ashville, an infant at the time. The Edwardses appointed the following as their cabinet:
-Bill Maher: Secretary of State -Mrs. L Edwards: Director of Homeland Security -Sam Boddy [acquired green card from marriage]: Secretary of Energy -M Edwards: Secretary of the Interior -Alice Edwards: Secretary of Health and Human Services -Ken Jennings: Secretary of Education -Bob Brown [acquired green card from marriage]:Secretary of Agriculture -Ralph Nader: Secretary of Transportation -Daniel Handler: National Security Adviser -J Edwards: Attorney General -John Kerry: Secretary of Defense -Pandora Edwards: Secretary of Treasury
while the rest of their spouses went on to become some of the most influential actor/model/authors the world has ever seen.
They all lived happily ever after.
Except for the Republicans. And, Snicket. 'Cause he's dead.
-Finis-
-----
|
|
Antenora
Detriment Deleter
Fiendish Philologist
Put down that harpoon gun, in the name of these wonderful birds!
Posts: 15,891
Likes: 113
|
Post by Antenora on Mar 11, 2005 20:00:23 GMT -5
In a word...OMG. Or possibly, "EEE!" That's what I wanted to hear. I'm so glad you're back and posting again. *glomp*
|
|
|
Post by VolunteerS on Mar 11, 2005 20:07:56 GMT -5
I love you. I really truly do. Search result for "I love Alice" It's Alice and Dobermon! Stupid digimon was canceled, though.
|
|
|
Post by Charles Vane on Mar 11, 2005 20:09:53 GMT -5
YOU ARE AMAZING.
You can so have my firstborn child if you want it.
And I also love how you put me in charge of money.
*glomps*
|
|
|
Post by MelonB1088 on Mar 11, 2005 20:25:00 GMT -5
...guh. Umphg. Glolg?
|
|