Post by Akbar Le Grey on Apr 2, 2006 2:58:35 GMT -5
Editor: Akbar Le Grey.
Columnists: Linda, PJ, une femme auteur anonyme, Jemima, Skeleton Key.
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Linda’s Rant.
Linda was unable to write a rant this week. From next week, she will be going back to doiung the interview. We hope you enjoyed 'Linda's Rant'. We'd also like to introduce our new ranter, George. His first rant will be published next week.
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The Subjective Flaneur
By A Member
"Watching you, so you don't have to do it yourself."
I apologize for the relative lack of information in this column. Recently, I have only been able to secure Internet access by bribing the curator of the Museum of Unclothed Statuary, a place I am only allowed in under the condition that I am blindfolded. Hence, I have to navigate this museum with the aid of a telepathic dolphin who swims in a large wheeled fishtank alongside me and guides me by means of echolocation. People keep tapping the glass and it rather disorients him. But I digress.
Having watched the myriad arguments between Robert and Snicket, I believe I can briefly summarize them thus:
Robert: *parody awards show*
Snicket: Didn't you tell people to stop posting awards shows?
Robert: You're not even worthy of parody.
Snicket: *misspelling*
Robert and others: *points out and mocks misspelling*
Snicket: Um, maybe I was using this kind of keyboard[insert product placement here].
Robert: Get cancer. [insert random picture and insults]
Snicket: You have no right to say that! [insert exact same insults Robert keeps using and another random picture]
Robert: You're not worthy of arguing with. Get more cancer.
Snicket: *extensive rant full of random pictures concluding with telling Robert to burn in Hell for eternity(which to me seems rather worse than telling someone to get cancer. At least cancer is finite. But I digress.)*
Robert and others: *mockery*
Snicket: I'm telling the mods!
Mods: *sound of crickets chirping*
Another event of interest is the "667 Weird Ships Week" recently founded. The concept of writing odd pairings of real people, particularly members of the forum, seems to me potentially a bit offensive. To avoid appearing hypocritical on this point, I should note that I do not, and never did, support the RobertHope13 shipping. I merely expressed my suspicion that somebody would. A pairing of, say, Britney Spears and zombie Richard Nixon would likely be less controversial than that, as I suspect neither of them visit this forum very often. (Therefore, please cross them off your list of potential suspects for my identity. I understand I have appeared very similar to both of them at various points in my various careers. But I digress.) Response to 667WSW seems to be good overall. Though a mysterious entity called variously "applecore" and "Feed me to the forest" is complaining that Lauren--who has no mod powers whatsoever--deleted her first account. She also calls Lauren a limited but harsh variety of names. I haven't the slightest idea what's going on with this; perhaps it's a show put on by lauren and a friend of hers to see how watchers, including myself, react.
Surely the most interesting consequence of Weird Ships Week is a story in which I am involved, depicted as an enigmatic and occasionally violent veiled figure(which is accurate enough) and designated with a row of underscores(which I believe would be pronounced as a series of clicks in certain African languages). It should be noted that I have no particular attraction to any of my fellow columnists, but I suppose that if I did in fact harbor such feelings, the ship presented in that story would be as dull as...a very boring oceangoing vessel indeed. (I'd like everyone to notice the "harbor" pun. I made it entirely on accident. Really.)
- Une femme auteur anonyme.
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Interview Of The Week.[/u]
PJ’s Interview – Raistlin Majere
PJ: Today in the studio, we have the member known as Wasabi, or "Raistlin Majere". As the former is a spicy Japanese condiment, and the latter is a wizard from the popular fantasy series "Dragonlance", what is your REAL name?
Also, I'm currently doing this interview in the Whitehouse, cos I was in the act of kidnapping the president when I remembered I needed to do this. So I may have to suddenly leave if I am discovered.
Raistlin Majere: My real is Danielle Do you want J to do this interview too?
PJ: Nah, I'll do J. next week. In both senses. And maybe Dupin, after that.
So, Danielle, describe yourself, personality wise. And Hobbies. Age. That sort of thing.
Stalker details.
Quickly!!!
I hear the president's bodyguards trying to break into this room!
Raistlin Majere: I am 15 years old. I live in Timaru, South Island, New Zealand. In my family, there are 5 people: my Mum, Dad, sister and brother I also have a pet cat called Calico; my hobbies on 667 are making really cool members lives an absolute misery, and in real life, I like going shopping and going to the movies
PJ: Ok, now your personality. WacKY?
Crazy? Normal? Inquisitive? Stupid? Kind?
Horny?
Be honest.
Raistlin Majere: Well, it's a variety really; I am crazy most of the time, outgoing, and always willing to try new things. I am nowhere near normal. I am inquisitive and always want to know is going on in everyone's lives. No, I am not stupid, except for when I am in Maths and Science. I am only horny when I am in bed with Robert and Kobolos, and I am kind most of the time. Honest only when I want to be, and I am an absolute legend when it comes to excuses for homework
PJ: Riiight. So how popular do you think you are on 667? Do people think you n00bish? Or are you an unknown?
Raistlin Majere: The answers are all here: asoue.proboards11.com/index.cgi?board=jock&action=display&thread=1143445932
PJ: Oh. That was a boring reply. The lazier readers of our great magazine won't even bother seeing that link.
Oh well.
Raistlin Majere: Wait!
PJ: No time for waiting.
Raistlin Majere: Ok, well, I don't think that many people have got to know me very well on here, yet I don't think that I am a really cool member, although Kobolos and Robert do think that way. I think that if I give it time, people will get to know me a lot better.
PJ: Um...so tell us about your infatuation with Robert and/or Kobolos?
Why are they so hawtt for you?
Raistlin Majere: Kobolos and Robert are hot to me, but they do not think that I am hot. Robert, as I have said to you in another conversation, thinks that I look like Napoeon Dynamite He called me a really cool member in the beginning, he still calls me a really cool member occasionally. I like Kobolos less than Dr Hobo, for he isn't as crafty as Robert is, but I guess he will grow on me eventually.
PJ: Uh...that' s all, I guess. Anything you'd like to say?
Raistlin Majere:
I love Robert, because he is so good at really cool member bashing. Robert told me that Kobolos was better than he was, and when I saw the thread on Kobolos in the MM section, I had no idea who the hell he was. That was when Dr Hobo told me that he had been in a fight with Kobolos before and narrowly escaped. Kobolos and Dr Hobo are both very intelligent, and that is why I love them. I believe that they are very intelligent and are very diligent at really cool member bashing
PJ: Well, that about wraps it up.
Raistlin Majere: *grabs PJ and chucks him out the window* *snogs Robert*
PJ: Riiiight. No offence, but you're the slowest typer that I've ever interviewed. Figures I’d land with you on THIS particular week, when I have the least time. Oh well. Goodbye. *flees with president*
-PJ.
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Things You Ought To Know Lest You Evaporate
This week's article in on a matter that must be brought to our attention:
Perilous Pasta.
What is Perilous Pasta, you may ask? Well, it's pasta loaded with all kinds of unpleasantries, such as:
- Syringes
- Needles
- Poison
- Tapeworms
- Nails
- Screws
- Bolts
- Bits of triplet
- Elbow Macaroni
And other countless disgusting items.
Where does Perilous Pasta strike?
- Orphanatrophias
- Italian joints
- Movie theatres
- Cooking schools
- Raley's
- Uncle Lester's house
Why does Perilous Pasta strike?
There are a variety of reasons:
- The pasta was cooked by an inexperienced urchin who also got hair in the food. This is one of the most common scenarios.
- The chef wants to kill you. This is the other most common scenarios.
- The pasta wants to follow in the footsteps of Halloween candy. This scenario is only applicable if pasta is sensient. It undoubtably is.
- The pasta doesn't wish to be eaten. This is unlikely, as most people eat the pasta anyway.
- The restaraunt has an extremely low budget.
- Aliens. This is a good explaination for anything.
What does a bit of triplet look like?
It looks like this:
I must leave you now, and remember: Stay away from sentient pasta.
-Gretchen
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Jemima's Unadvice Column.
*due to barely any writings of unadvice (besides Dupin's real-life problem that has already been solved) this week, you will only have the chance to view Jemima's How To!.*
This week on Jemima's How To!:
How To Go Sailing!
Step 1: Go to a boat show
Step 2: Buy the fanciest sailboat there. The price should be really high, and the boat should have a yacht-ish air to it.
Step 3: Rig the boat to your car and put up the sails
Step 4: Drive your car to the nearest river/lake/ocean
Step 5: Pay your fine on the ticket you got for having the sails up when you drove it, and for causing a public nuisance where no one could see past the sails
Step 6: Book the World's Strongest Man to throw it in the water for you
Step 7: Tie the boat to the dock like this:
Step 8: Put up the sails again
Step 9: Put on your lifejacket:
Step 10: Start the engine
Step 11: Don't break the tiller while navigating it!
Step 12: For the perfect end, and for docking back, run aground somewhere, particularily on a reef.
Step 13: Pay expenses for lost sailboat:
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