Post by Akbar Le Grey on Sept 3, 2006 5:04:06 GMT -5
September 3rd – September 10th
Editor-in-Chief: Akbar Le Grey.
Sub-editor: Linda*, Robert*.
Columnists: Une femme auteur anonyme, J., Descartes, Jemima, Sixteen, Sora.
Published by 667er Publications, ltd.
A subsidiary of the 667er Group.
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BY J.
The right to free speech is the most important American value ever. That's why it's number one on the Bill of Rights and the Ten Commandments. But our very own administrator is slowly working to tear down the right to free speech. Not only is he ruining the foundation of America (and remember, when you ruin the foundation of America, you ruin the world), he's ruining fanfiction on 667 Dark Avenue. And even though 667 Dark Avenue is arguably "smaller" than America, it's also more "important."
Some great fics are being ruined, such as the Splendiferous Adventures of Filliam H Muffin in the Daycare Center Filled with Headphones and Dishwashers. Sadly, it was removed and had to be hidden (PM me for the link). As I search for more examples of fics about headphones, I'm informed that this is not, in fact, an article about the greatest porn of 667, and that, more importantly than the words headphones, dishwashers and daycare centers, the word "really cool member" had been censored to "very cool member." And this apparently affects 667 more than a lack of cock and pussy. Damn. (For the record, I mean roosters and cats.)(footnote1)
‘Really cool members’?[/u]
Censoring "newbies" to "really cool members" creates a lot of confusion. I was halfway through a debate on "really cool members". It took me an hour to figure out why people were arguing about really cool members. If they're really cool, why don't people like them? Oh. Censorship. The thread "667 has jumped the shark", though it's an old thread, contains numerous references to "really cool members" that don't make sense with the context. For example:
"Really cool members. Stop bashing them. You say that Kate and the crew are a clique? What about all the senior members bashing members like General Lee?"
“Be nice to really cool members day. Everyone devotes one day to being kinder to the really cool members on this forum and trying not to make fun of or yell at them."
How does that help the actual really cool members? People will go around being nice to members like Char, Kate, Akbar and Dupin, rather than the people who actually need the kindness. And on a more personal note, when users newbie bash, changing "really cool members" to "really cool members" make us seem nice. What kind of a world is it where Snicket is called a "really cool member?" I take it back! No! He is not a really cool member! A really cool member! Stupid, useless, idiotic really cool member!
The issue hits me right at home. It was time to do some investigative journalism. Get my hands dirty...with the administrator's blood. I broke into his office and there he was, sitting at his desk. I grabbed him by his shirt collar and slapped him.
"Who the hell do you think you are, changing the rules at your will as though you're some kind of..."ruler" of this board? 667 Dark Avenue is ruled by the people.(footnote2)."
It was time for the taser. After he was done twitching and writhing, I slammed him against the wall, turning into Bad Reporter-Cop. A hard hit with the nightstick to his crotch and he was ready to talk--or, um, groan in pain. Same thing. I stabbed him in the leg with a shiv and then held it to his neck.
"I asked you a question!"
"You didn't give me a chance to answ--"
But I didn't give him a chance to answer. Instead, I punched him in the stomach.
"Come back when you're ready to talk," I told him, and walked out of the office.
As it turns out, Tragedy wasn't in his office. It was actually a small child who, upon losing his mother, wandered into an abandoned room. Oh well, you can't win them all, I guess.
The public[/u]
And so I moved on to a prominent member, who for the purpose of this article will be censored to "Shoehorn" (footnote 3).
"Good evening," I said.
I was greeted with a polite "Hi, what is it?"
"Censorship." I asked Shoehorn the prominent member why Tragedy had decided to censor the word "really cool member".
"I think it was because he disliked all the sort of inter-flaming between members and all the hatred towards n00bs," Shoehorn explained.
And since 667 was all about the people (footnote 4), I asked the prominent member how he felt about the change.
"Slightly irritated."
"Slightly irritated enough to start a mutiny against Tragedy?" I asked.
"Well, not really," Shoehorn said, and I cursed silently to myself. "but I'm all up for nearly anything that could be related in some obscure way to pirates."
So, for now, we live in a crazy world were Snicket and General Lee are really cool, and where people constantly stick their headphones into dishwashers despite the health risks and violations of common sense. Will it ever end? Only one man knows the answer. That man is Tragedy, responsible for the censorship. He created it, and he can take it away. Let's just hope he takes it away before the metaphorical bomb metaphorically explodes in his metaphorical office, metaphorically trapping him under metaphorically burning metaphorical debris. Hypothetically, of course.
-
(footnote1) For the other record, roosters and cats are not what I meant at all [/b][/u].
(footnote2) Actually, 667 Dark Avenue is ruled by Tragedy, the administrator. My mistake.
(footnote3) I like replacing words with "Shoehorn."
(footnote4) 667 is in fact all about the admin and the people don't matter unless the admin says they do.
-
-J, Colbert Correspondent.
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INSERT MEANINGLESS ENIGMATIC QUOTE HERE
The mysterious text seen under those random numbers infiltrated the news fader early this week. Searching for it, now, turns up 667's homepage as well as some other pages that may or may not contain the board's password. Then the board jumped down a few spaces and the text changed, becoming something equally cryptic but apparently from the same source, which doesn't help anyone. I suppose that this is all an elaborate game on the part of the staff members, though curiously no comments about it have been deleted.
Sed regna Tyri germanus habebat Pygmalion, scelere ante alios immanior omnes.
Since my kind editor is always kind enough to avoid editing my columns(particularly when he thinks he'd be enforcing the administratorial regime by doing so) I'll go on without fear of deletion: The strange quote is attributed to a fellow named Thomas Beckett-- I'm not clear on who he is exactly, but there's a good chance he's dead, and if so he must be rolling in his grave. I cannot determine if he's amused or offended, though.
They were smiting each other, not only with hands, but with head, and with chest, and with feet, mangling one another piecemeal with their teeth.
Well, I can be cryptic and mysterious too. I can't exactly create password-protected boards, but I can still confuse readers with peculiar phrases. Look for mysterious quotes and links hidden throughout this column! Like this one!
a~Ngaashritaastvala`~Nkaaraa mantavyaaH kaTakaadivat
That aside, the text in the news fader gets rather too large sometimes, which is mildly bothersome if one leaves the main page open.
THIS BIT PROBABLY WON'T HAVE ANY CODED MESSAGES
I feel compelled to comment on yet another newbie who seems like a returning older member. He's called Edgar, and upon first seeing him I thought him more sensible than most of our newcomers. But he has a real penchant for drama-- he created one of those polls asking if people liked him or not, which never helps. Edgar appeared to be something of a newbie rights activist, complaining that the forum is too organized nowadays and that everyone who dares behave colourfully or exercise free will is immediately suppressed by the cruel regime. That's not really true-- I'm still around, aren't I? In any case, his allusions to the times JTB got pwned excite my suspicions predictably.
SO DARK THE CON OF MAN
Extra Special Bonus Word-Count-Padding Extra Section: Exquisitely Fabricated Internet Facts
It is a well-known fact that Al Gore invented the Internet. However, it is lesser-known that his prototype Internet was coal-powered. It caused quite a lot of pollution, because so many people were eager to try out this marvellous method of communication, and soon the atmosphere was full of nasty greenhouse gases. While the Internet's pollution problems were sorted out fairly soon, Al Gore felt he really ought to do something about the trouble his invention had caused. So, he did what any sensible person would do, and made a film to warn everyone about global warming, though he felt blaming the Internet for it would seem implausible to most, and left that bit out.
- Une femme auteur anonyme.
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The Beginning of The End
by Sixteen
We have reached the beginning of the end or, in our case, The End.
After having the first few pages of TE posted a couple of weeks ago - although they're looking questionable at this stage - a few early copies of TBL have been acquired. I must admit that I've looked at the spoiler thread. I don't mind looking at TBL spoilers, but it's TE I wouldn't go near. Anyway, I won't say anything revealing here but, by the looks of it, TBL is a disappointment. I've to hold out until the 9th to get it because there isn't enough demand for them to take part in the big worldwide release blah blah. I just hope that when I do get it, I'll get everything that comes with it too.
As for Chapter One of TE, it's been taken down from the original two sites it was posted on. As Dante has said,
"You can interpret this two ways:
1. They're fake, HC found out they were giving out fakes and had them removed;
2. They're real, HC found out they were giving out the real first few pages too early and had them removed."
Each as likely as the other, although, in my personal opinion, it's the former. While I don't think there was anything wrong with the alleged excerpt, I don't think they'd be taken down unless they were fake. With the amount of leaks that have already been given to us officially by HarperCollins I think they should rather expect something like this to happen.
LemonySnicket.com has gotten a makeover. There has been new games and links added and the site in general has a newer look to it. This in itself is a nice idea, but there's a new section as well, namely Vile Videos. The heading reads "Snicket Caught On Tape" and there are three videos to choose from. Currently there is only one available to watch. It's called "12 Books in 120 Seconds". It's a recap of the past twelve books in a nice animation narrated by Tim Curry and with background music by The Gothic Archies. Reportedly, Mr Snicket won't be seen until the third video. I'd say it'll be released fairly close to the 13th of October.
There's a Lemony Snicket Sweepstakes running on that site too. Unfortunately, it's only open to US residents. The prize pack is "certain to include hardcover copies of both The End, the thirteenth and final book in A Series of Unfortunate Events, and The Beatrice Letters".
Depressing Diversions is on hiatus apparently. After having released activities for three books at a time in the most recent updates, we're now left with nothing at all. There's not much else I know or can say about this right now.
The Penultimate Peril has been nominated for two awards in this year's Quill Awards. It is listed at www.msnbc.msn.com/id/13737551/ under the headings for "Children's Chapter Book / Middle Grade" and "Book of the Year". With no Harry Potter this year we have a good chance. Please go there and vote now!
And, for those of you who can get TBL this week, enjoy reading it!
-Sixteen.
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