Post by Akbar Le Grey on Feb 24, 2008 16:08:41 GMT -5
February 24th – March 2nd
Editor-in-Chief: Akbar Le Grey.
Contributors: Sixteen, Libitina, tim, Shelly, Dismay, PJ.
Published by 667er Publications, ltd.
A subsidiary of the 667er Group.
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Unfortunate birthday to you, unfortunate birthday to you…
It’s that time of the year again, and most hardcore, or, as Tragedy aptly put it, “real” 667ers are gearing up and getting invovlved in the runup to Daniel Handler’s birthday on February 28th. After last year’s massive success with the questions and answers, this year, our admin came up with the idea of ‘The SixSixSixSeven Survey.’ Under this scheme, 667ers are being encouraged to ask themselves interesting ASOUE-related questions and comome up with creative ideas; the best 21 will be sent to Handler on his birthday.
The idea was well-received, and although credit must go to Stiletto Violet for starting the thread, her idea seems to have been dropped. However, some terrific responses, from people ranging from ever-enthusiastic Cybermtsery to the now-reclusive Dante, have already been posted in the thread, with one gem, inevitably, shining through – BSam’s.
BSam, if you were Daniel Handler, what would you wish for as you blow out the candles on your birthday cake?
Fewer candles.
Fewer candles.
So, prove your ‘realness’, and join in quick. Remember, it’s his birthday on the 28th, so please it would probably be a good idea to try to get your contribution in by Tuesday.
The return of a not-so-popular condiment: Wasabi’s back[/u]
With a flashy moving sig and the same succinct, earnest posts, Wasabi’s back not so much with a bang as with a familiar thud. So far, so good, so let’s hope her second stint on the forum will be less, well, odd than her first. Here’s looking at ya, kid. (:
Magical Mystery
It’s all under wraps, but The 667er’s sources have uncovered that Tragedy intends to appoint a new moderator by early March. While he mentioned it in a fleeting way to incentivize the ‘Birthday Q & A’ scheme, he has not, as yet, been very open about his ideas in public. As one source close to the tight-lipped admin says, ‘He’s playing his cards very close to his chest about this.’ Tragedy is assumed to have taken other current staff members into confidence regarding this move, but until further details are made public, it seems that 667’s masses must simply wait out the suspense.
- Akbar Le Grey.
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tim here to tell you of another happiest thing you should be told of but still say not to drugs all the time But well llets just say that something great happened that would out of expectation.That is my new friend and favorite pokemon named mudkip my new happiest thing in the world. Now you might be asking me tim how the devil did this come about and that is a good question to be answered at once. On school on monday Jeremy came to me and I thought on no this cannot be good news mister because he says bathroom words and does mean things sometimes but then he said to me tim I have some early birthday present for you and was shocked I did not know what to say. he said i hear you like mudkip then he got something from his backpack and you will not guess what it was! It was a big flufy mudkip and I was so happy to have it because I am not allowed to play pokemon games anymore because it does bad grades to me. I jumped around so excited and everyone laughed that I was so fulling joy to have a present that keeps on giving. My mom said I should write a thank you letter to Jeremy and I think that is a good idea and I will comply at once. jeremy is now my friend in deed and everyone always asked me now tim how is your mudkip doing do you love it a lot and i say yes of course he is a friend in deed to me and i sleep with it every night and everyone thinks that is so cute and funny to be done. i love mudkip and all pokemons!
-TIM.
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Libitina and
TO: Mrs. Françoise Pierre
FROM: The International Department of Brains and Their Respective Hosts
Dear Mrs. Pierre STOP. We regret to inform you of the passing of your late husband's brain, Fantine STOP. Actually, we don't regret it that much STOP. She was really an awful brain STOP. Her life was, in fact, prolonged by the fact that she evaded authorities after the murder of King Fahd of Saudi Arabia STOP. We understand that your husband was a lovely man, and it is a darn shame that he was given a brain like Fantine STOP. However, since she was the last thing connecting him to this world, we thought you should be informed STOP. Please find comfort in the fact that she will do no more harm to anyone STOP. The teenager who was her host before Fantine died sends her regards and assures you that she will try to live as well as possible with a new brain in your husband's memory STOP. Many a good loaf of bread to you, madame, the IDBTRH STOP.
Libitina: The above is a telegram sent to Fantine's former host's wife in France. Her host was a baker, hence the bit about the bread. Last week, due to unfortunate events and rebirth in my life, Fantine spontaneously combusted. Well, then. I haven't gotten a new brain yet, so we'll be having special guests helping me out with tips. This week, it's Mr. Peter Pan.
Peter Pan: Hullo there, mates!
Libitina: Lovely to have you here, Peter. Our first tip today comes from my little brother. He says not to play hand-held video games right after you get your hair cut, because all the little pieces of hair will fall onto the screen.
Peter Pan: I'm never gonna grow up.
Libitina: Haircuts are part of life.
Peter Pan: Not ever, you know.
Libitina: That has nothing to do with the tip.
Peter Pan: We're following the leader!
Libitina: Okay, whatever. Tip: Valentine's Day isn't so bad even when you're all alone and the boy you loved turned out gay. It's nice seeing people like each other so much.
Peter Pan: Just this past week, I got tangled up with Captain Hook, and boy! What a fight! But I jabbed him, I stabbed him, and bam! Victory! I was triumphant!
Libitina: Alright, we can make this work. Sword fighting. We learned how to sword fight in dance class today for our Pirates of the Caribbean dance, and it's probably the most enjoyable thing in the world. Tip: Learn how to sword fight. You never know when you'll need it.
Peter Pan: What? Sword fighting? Are you kidding me? I think you need to read some of Gandhi's words about nonviolence, missy.
Libitina: Take these broken wings and learn to fly. Tip: Across the Universe soundtrack. Or movie. Or both. They are really lovely.
Peter Pan: Um, excuse me, there is a movie about me out there. It can't be topped. Except by me in person, of course.
Libitina: Well, yes, it's a good movie, but there are others.
Peter Pan: You're a grown up, puh.
Libitina: Tip: Grow up.
Peter Pan: Never! Never! I'll fly away!
Libitina: Tip: Don't try to fly if you don't have wings.
Peter Pan: Ha, I've got Tinkerbell!
Libitina: Tip: If you ever win a presidential election, please make it your first official business to eliminate the exclamation point.
Peter Pan: I do believe in fairies, I do, I do!
Libitina: This is exhausting. I need to find some better sidekicks. Until next week, farewell.
Peter Pan: See ya, Hook!
- Libitina.
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Movie of the Week: Jumper
Trailer / IMDb / Rotten Tomatos: 15 %
Sorry about last week. I just didn’t watch any movies. Not my fault, damn you. But I’ve had plenty down now, even though they weren’t the ones I was expecting.
Jumper is a fantasy movie about a war going between a bunch of people called Jumpers – who have ability to teleport to any place on the earth, seemingly without limit – and a group of religious Zealots called Paladins, who try and hunt down and kill the Jumpers due to some lame motives that I’ll get to in a minute.
It stars Hayden Christensen (who did Anakin in Star Wars) and That Chick from the OC as well as Samuel L. Jackson. The movie, in no short order, shows us how young David makes his first Jump and then moves on with him robbing a bank and living a great lifestyle before he runs into Griffin another jumper, who is trying to kill the Paladins, who are also trying to kill him. Also, there’s something about a girl and some other stuff with his mother.
As you may have noticed from the 15 % Rotten Tomatos score, this movie isn’t exactly hot salsa. At best, it looks like an interesting action movie. At worst, a horrible, action-packed travel-guide. At least, you get to see some neat places like the Sphinx in Egypt, the Coliseum in Rome and the Grand Canyon.
But yeah. I enjoyed the movie. That is to say, I was entertained by it. It wasn’t a particularly good movie, nor was it well-made, but it was entertaining nonetheless. Movies don’t have to be oscar winners to be good to watch, as watching Evil Dead 2 last night proved beyond a doubt.
But yeah. The special effects were pretty cool. David teleports all around the world, and the fight scenes were nothing short of spectacular. I mean, Samuel L. Jackson gets a freakin’ double-decker bus teleported at him at high speed, and David manages to teleport a significant part of his girlfriend’s house into a nearby lake.
The concept, admittedly, is also cool. Unlimited teleportation. The ability to be anywhere, at any time. Pretty cool. How do you stop a teleported? It’s bloody hard. More hard than the movie makes it seem, I should think. But I’m getting to that.
Some of the dialogue was pretty all right, too. I liked the character of Griffin, the wise-crackin’ Irish jumper who teleports the aforementioned bus onto Samuel L. Jackson – disregarding for a moment that the people in the bus are almost certainly dead or will die soon enough, since they got teleported into the middle of a desert.
But yeah. The movie had some pretty cool moments. The teleport fight scenes were pretty stunning, and good ol’ Griffin manages to get his hand on a cool flamethrower which he subsequently uses to further crispify Samuel L. Jackson (as well as David’s girlfriend’s apartment. But that doesn’t matter, cos David teleport it into a lake, remember?).
So now we come to the plot. Or rather, lack of it. At least there was one. There were a few islands of plot between the massive plot holes, anyways. Where to begin?
I guess one of the most ridiculous things was the Paladins. Their beef with the jumpers is, and I quote: “only God should have the power to be everywhere”. So this huge organization comprising highly skilled religious warriors with ultra-modern technology incredibly vast funds is all based on that one, tiny, ridiculous little thing.
But oh well. Another of the plot holes is the sheer impossibility of catching a jumper. How the hell do you catch someone who can, in the blink of an eye, be anywhere in the world? Apparently, when the jumpers are zapped with electricity, they can’t teleport to well, or something, but hey, that really shouldn’t be that big a problem. How can one organization possibly span every single conceivable part of the globe? And, more importantly, how the hell did the Paladins manage to capture jumpers before the invention of electricity (“this war has been raging since medieval times!!1!”).
I’ll move on. The stupidity and callousness of the main character, David, is astounding. In one scene, for instance, he’s having a fist fight with an guy that used to bully him in school, and then he teleports the guy into a bank vault and leaves him there. Not only will this, well, land the poor bully into an enormous amount of trouble with the police, but it’s also provides the Paladins with a wealth of knowledge about David and which people are the closest to him.
Similarly, after he’s caught breaking into the coliseum with his girlfriend (for kicks) and is arrested, he teleports the police officer onto the head of the sphinx in Egypt. Think about that for a moment. He leaves a guy on top of the sphinx. How is the guy gonna get down? How is anyone gonna find him? How will he get back home without any money or a passport? And most importantly, how the hell is he going to survive in the Egyptian heat?
But David ignores these petty issues and is content in the knowledge that he has murdered a policeman simply because he was arrested for breaking the law.
I’d go on, for instance, wondering how it was that Griffin managed to survive being thrown into a bunch of power lines – in fact, he seemed quite capable of chatting happily along while he was being zapped by 10,000 volts – or even how David managed to teleport half of his girlfriend’s house into a lake when he, too, was being zapped by a bunch of Paladin cables imbedded in him.
The plot was nonsensical. David goes to a great effort to convince Griffin that the two of them should team up – and after perhaps 30 seconds of the two fighting side by side – barely – they instantly turn on one another and David ends up throwing Griffin – a likable and awesome character – onto a bunch of cables. Griffin seems unharmed – but is temporarily unable to teleport away. That’s the last you see of him. David proceeds to go on and fight the Paladins on his own and manages, somehow, to beat all of them on his own. And then, to top it off, to top it all off – he teleports Samuel L. Jackson, his arch-nemesis, the guy who kidnapped his girlfriend and killed his father – he teleports him on top of the grand canyon.
“I told you I was different. I could just have killed you instead,” he quips, leaving Mr. Jackson to furiously dial for a back-up chopper with his satellite mobile.
So, basically, at the end of the movie, instead of ending the war between the Paladins and the Jumpers by effectively killing their leader, David instead spares the leader and, well, dooms himself, I guess. Nothing has changed. It’d be like Luke Skywalker deciding to spare the Emperor’s life at the end of the last Star Wars movie. Or Harry deciding to not kill Voldemort in the 7th Harry Potter book. Basically, it’s a horribly stupid choice, and David has doomed many future jumpers to horrific, high voltage induced deaths.
So, overall, entertaining to watch, but in truth, a very badly made movie. Nice effects, though. I rate it Ok (watch this movie if you’ve got absolutely nothing better to do).
Next week ima do either There Will be Blood, Evil Dead II or Fargo. Or maybe Apocalypto. Or something. I might mention the Oscar winners, they come out in 24 hours at the time I’m writing this.
-PJ
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Shelly: Oh, the wackiness.
Hi there. Just me, Shelly.
A few things happened this week. Someone under the guise of 'gossipgirl' has started some thread in MMisc. I hope you get what's coming to you.
Signature texts with color tags seem to be in at the moment. Quotes, song lyrics, poems. A good verse from a song never goes wrong in my opinion.
A Series of Quiglet Events is quickly approaching 200 stories. Stay with it, folks. . . and may I add that it's completely unnecessary to read EVERY SINGLE ONE.
Just read the ones with your favourite songs. That should be enough.
Movies are great, as always. Practical Magic's a classic, though it's like ten years old. Highly doubtful you'll find it unless you know of a real good place. Jawbreaker is good if you like seeing the cliché baddie get what they deserve. PJ's reviews are more reliable with this sorta thing. Go read.
Angel of Vengeance from Smallville forever.
Supernatural = <3 times a million.
Here's a story/songfic-y idea that randomly popped into my head. Enjoy. . . and that's all from me this week.
* * *
She'd had quite a cloudy day. Both literally and figuratively.
She'd been bored at school, and particularly struggled with maths. She couldn't quite grasp the context.
She did pay attention in the Media and English classes. Those she liked best.
Finally, the end of the day arrived. As she stuffed everything into her bag, a tune randomly popped into her head.
She hummed it, a song she admired. One of many.
Here by my side, you are destruction
Here by my side, a new colour to paint the world
Never turn your back on it
Never turn your back on it, again
Here by my side, it's Heaven
Music flowed through her veins. It was constantly on her mind, her heart always beat to a rhythm.
It was her life.
Another tune popped into her head, and she hummed it as the lyrics tumbled around her head. . .
The girl I used to be
Has a terrible case of mistaken identity
And yesterday's girl is not what you see
It's a terrible case of mistaken identity
. . .a perfect description of how she felt nowadays.
She tucked her iPod Shuffle into her blazer, and went with the other girls out the gates, directing her feet to the train station.
Ignoring the crowd of boys waiting for her peers, she slipped her earphones in her ears, and slipped the button into the ON position.
Immediately, the tunes of a very familiar song filled her ears, and she smiled for the first time in what seemed like ages.
Cause love is a marathon
That's why you get tired so fast of everyone
Slow down and pace yourself
Cause when it's good
It's a long open road
The song ended all too soon, and she waited on the platform for the train to come, listening to the songs randomly shuffling.
That's when you stu-stu-stutter something profound
To the support on the line
And with the way you've been talking
Every word gets you a step closer to hell
There was a sudden gust of wind, and she shivered, clutching her blazer.
The train had arrived at last. She jumped in, and got off on the next stop.
Just once in my life,
I think it'd be nice,
Just to lose control, just once
She'd been stumbling home, when she tripped on some dislodged concrete.
She winced, and examined her knee. Sure enough, it was scraped.
Once in a lifetime
Means there’s no second chance
So I believe than you and me
Should grab it while we can
She hobbled the rest of the way home, itching to get out of her uniform.
She made it, changed out of her uniform and chucked it in the wash.
She opened up her iTunes, as she logged onto the site. Her sanctuary for almost three years.
You've got me dancin' and cryin'
Rollin' and flying
Love don't let me go
You got me drownin' in a river
Cold and in fever
Love don't let me go
. . .and then she had The Idea.
She opened up a new PM and began to type, 'She'd had quite a cloudy day. Both literally and figuratively. . .'
- Shelly.
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The 667er's Caption Contest
Last week's image:
This week, the winning caption was entered by Violet:
If you have ever wondered why Olaf is evil, this horrible picture from his college yearbook might explain it.
Next week's image:
Good one, Violet! If you can think of a caption to fit this latest picture, send it to Sixteen (volunteer16) by next Saturday and it may be featured in next week's edition of The 667er! Good luck.
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Hi all,
Sorry I haven’t been active for a while; internet’s been dead for four days. It’s back now, thank goodness. Looks like there’s a lot going on, which I’m very ahppy about. Live long and prosper, 667. XD
Yeah, it’s 2 am, I have school in 5 and a half hours [and marchpast, ugh], and I really just want to post the magazine. We have, as always, a brill array of articles aimed at entertaining you, darling 667ers – enjoy.
Peace out,
Akbar.
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