|
Post by Cafe SalMONAlla on Jan 21, 2010 3:10:56 GMT -5
I'm very alarmed at the growing number of distressed 667 members who are reading this. Please, never enter this thread again, any of you - I beg you not to.
With all due respect.
|
|
|
Post by Emma “Emmz” Squalor on Jan 21, 2010 12:19:43 GMT -5
That was fantastic! Especially the reference to The New York Times, which was very amusing. I'm curious if there is a way to repel snow gnats and, if so, how one goes about the process.
|
|
|
Post by Cafe SalMONAlla on Jan 22, 2010 4:58:43 GMT -5
Now I'm alarmed at your usage of the word "fantastic". It would appear that you don't even know the word - if that's what you think it means. I hope you're not going to read installment the fourth when it comes out; it's expected to be the worst yet. As you seem to be wondering about snow gnats, I must offer my deepest sympathies - I'm sure it's very difficult to post from all the way out there in the Mortmain Mountains, Emmz. Perhaps you could start a fire of some sort with whatever electricity you are using to power your computer out in the hinterlands... Now that I have given you advice, please close this thread.
With all due respect.
|
|
|
Post by tigerseye on Jan 22, 2010 19:16:45 GMT -5
I'm sorry i didn't notice this before but your writing is original and I love your style. I must admit i feel compelled to read any further installments. No matter how distressing they may be. Brilliant.
|
|
|
Post by Cafe SalMONAlla on Jan 22, 2010 20:41:45 GMT -5
I pity you, tigerseye. Why didn't you just continue not noticing this fan fic? With all due respect.
Installment the fourth:
Dear Mr. Snicket, I was sorry to hear of your troubles in the Mortmain Mountains – they are, indeed, very dangerous mountain ranges. However, hearing of your tribulations has made me feel somewhat better about the tribulations that I am experiencing in my own life: the neighbourhood ice cream store has closed for renovations. Rumours have reached me that, although you still have a reasonable amount of work to do in the mountains, your next bout of research may have to be on a damaged submarine. If this is true, please take care. I shall be thinking of you.
As for advice on battling snow gnats, I have never heard of any technique other than fire. However, Mr. Snicket, I must offer you this warning – for protection from stings, please remember to never raise your hand. You have already had one bad experience, when there were far fewer insects, so now that you are battling thousands, I wouldn’t want your armpits to be in any danger.
Like you, I am concerned about the (now surely doomed) New York Times bestseller list. We warned people away from these books, but it never seemed to work. When you started writing the history of the Baudelaire orphans you always said you meant it like the phone book – important information, but nothing that anybody should read all the way though. Yet it has somehow found its way onto a bestseller list. What went wrong, Mr. Snicket, so long ago, in that terrible year – 1999 – when all our troubles began?
I wish you luck. As for advice on “surviving such horrors in general”, I can offer nothing but my usual words of wisdom - words that have found many people in times of hardship and worry, in times of despair, and in fast-food restaurants - wherever you are, and whatever happens to you, please remember: never refuse a breath mint.
Your faithful representative, Daniel Handler
|
|
|
Post by Emma “Emmz” Squalor on Jan 23, 2010 13:12:46 GMT -5
A very captivating installment. If I didn't know better, I'd be under the impression that you were actually Daniel Handler, because you do such a perfect job of writing from his point of view.
That was absolute genius, and a wonderful closing line.
|
|
|
Post by Cafe SalMONAlla on Jan 24, 2010 0:46:07 GMT -5
Oh, dear. It appears you will keep reading the installments, Emmz, despite my warnings. You must really be a glutton for punishment. Though you are my most persistent – and most disturbed – reader, it seems that there are many other members who ignore all my warnings. Some never learn. 667 is obviously doomed. It makes me highly distraught. With all due respect.
Installment the fifth:
Author’s note – The next two letters I found, though scarcely burnt, had evidently been written in a great hurry, and as neither of the corespondents have exactly neat handwriting at the best of times, I’m afraid I simply cannot be held responsible for copying out letters that I can’t read; therefore, I must go on to the next legible letter I found. However, you have nothing stopping you from closing this thread, this board, this site, and running as far from your computer as possible. With all due respect.
Dear Mr. Handler, Thank you for your last letter, and for the advice that you gave me several letters ago. My recent discovery of a coded mint which has aided me in my investigation has given me reason to thank you for your words of wisdom.
Now, as you probably have heard, I have finally finished my investigation – it really has been a massive task, and now that I am able to lay down thirteen of my worst troubles, I have a quiet moment to indulge in a snifter of brandy, and to write you.
I am horrified at hearing of the publicity and anticipation surrounding the dreaded day of release of the final instalment of my work, and the lengths others have been going to so as to support it. Speaking of which, if you have the opportunity, can you please tell our associate, Mr. Stephin Merritt, to immediately drop his highly disturbing plans to release an album of the already terrifying songs he has based on my work? If he won’t listen to reason, may I suggest seeking the assistance of Claudia Gonson? She has always respected that misery should be left alone, and not publicised though music, so she should be able to talk some sense into him. Although I agree with many of Mr. Merritt’s opinions – the world is indeed a very scary place – an album is just going too far.
I was also alarmed at the prospect of releasing a booklet to the public that contains thirteen of my innermost secrets. General interest is all very well, but I simply will not stand for this invasion of privacy.
Please write back, and tell me if you view these terrible escapades of publicity the same way I do.
With all due respect, Lemony Snicket
|
|
|
Post by Hermes on Jan 27, 2010 12:03:57 GMT -5
I am very sad to read this. I hope it comes to an end soon, but thill then will continue to read it with care.
|
|
|
Post by Dante on Jan 27, 2010 12:21:38 GMT -5
I'm impressed by your use of the parallel materials released around the time of The End.
|
|
|
Post by Emma “Emmz” Squalor on Jan 27, 2010 13:17:41 GMT -5
I am captivated by your incorporation of The Tragic Treasury and 13 Shocking Secrets You'll Wish You Never Knew About Lemony Snicket into the story. I also enjoyed the bit about the coded breath mint.
|
|
|
Post by Cafe SalMONAlla on Jan 28, 2010 0:41:45 GMT -5
I have, finally, for my disturbed readers, some good news. Although I pity all of you, I can take some relief in knowing that you will no longer be exposed to my depressing work, as this the final installment. I'm sure this is a great relief for everyone on 667. I know it is for me, indeed, it is one of the few in my life. With all due respect.
Installment the last:
Dear Mr. Snicket,
I’m afraid Mr. Merritt just won’t listen to reason, and insists that Nonesuch Records would not cooperate if he did try to call off the album. To make matters worse, our last hope – Claudia Gonson – is away on a vacation. We appear to be failing in any way that we try to lessen the hype surrounding the last bout of your research. It pains me, and now that I hear you are faced with the prospect of touring thirteen states, I am truly alarmed for you.
I am sorry to say that we were too late to stop the booklet’s release, and the general public has been exposed to “Thirteen Shocking Secrets You’ll Wish You Never Knew About Lemony Snicket”. It’s terrible that so many of your innermost secrets have been recorded in it, but there was nothing I could do.
I am so sorry for you, having to research such depressing histories, but at least it’s over now. Of course, you shall have to turn your attention to other pressing issues, and if you will allow me to, I shall continue serving you as your representative as you continue your life’s work as a distressed author.
Your faithful representative, Daniel Handler
|
|
|
Post by Dante on Jan 28, 2010 4:30:39 GMT -5
A suitable end to this illuminating correspondence.
|
|
|
Post by Emma “Emmz” Squalor on Jan 28, 2010 12:15:08 GMT -5
Agreed. The ending could not have been more perfect, and I greatly admire your professional story-telling expertise.
|
|
|
Post by Hermes on Jan 28, 2010 15:32:34 GMT -5
I am very glad that this distressing tale has come to an end.
(I notice, by the way, that Claudia Gonson is yet another person linked with ASOUE who has thriteen letters in her name.)
|
|