A toad called Wenceslas. Genius.
And Dewey and Kit got married on the same day as my uncle, for some reason
Chapter 10 - The Wonderful Wedding
Monty jerked awake, his body tensing up as he blindly fumbled around to find his glasses, so he would be able to see when turning off the alarm clock. He found them, but was too sleepy to even attempt to open his eyes. Even though he did not yet know what time it was, he knew that it was far too early for his liking. His dyspraxic hands clumsily knocked the clock off the bedside table as he stretched, which made it cease ringing, as he became more and more awake. Like a snake, he slid out of bed with his eyes still glued shut. Slowly, he picked himself up from the floor and yawned. But suddenly he remembered why he had to get up so early. He forced his eyes open and gasped theatrically. Kit and Dewey’s wedding! His body began twitching as he panicked. In nothing but his undershirt and boxer shorts, he rushed around his room, trying desperately to remember where had put his tuxedo. He whimpered loudly as if he was a little lost puppy when he couldn’t see it in the wardrobe, closet or even any of the sock and underwear drawers. In every other situation, he would have simply shouted for Jo to ask her about it, but when she was in such a condition as her pregnancy, it would be too much to ask. He knew she might still be asleep, and did not want to disturb her. But then, he imagined going to the wedding in his underwear and being mocked and laughed at by the other guests. He panicked again. Quietly, he tiptoed to Josephine’s bedroom. He exhaled in relief. His tuxedo was hanging on the door, and his shoes had been left and polished on the floor. He spotted a piece of paper stuck on the door with Blu-Tack. In Jo’s familiar scrawl, it read:
Monty,
I knew you were worried about the wedding today, so I spruced up your tux and polished your shoes. Don’t worry, baby; just stick with Jacques, Lemony, Kit or Jerome and you’ll be fine. I hope you have a nice time. And please tell me what Kit’s dress looks like! I bet she’ll look gorgeous!Love you always,
Josie
oxxo
He grinned, the love for her shining in his eyes. Before he picked up his tux, he pulled the door open to sneak a peak at his own sleeping angel. She was sleeping on her side with a big fluffy pillow between her legs. The second pillow was under her bulging belly and the last one was propped up against her back. She still had the plait in her hair that Monty had (clumsily) done for her, but it was messy and untidy after a night of wriggling about. Her mouth was relaxed, slightly open as she snored, and even though she didn’t look completely comfortable, it was obvious that she was having a sweet dream – most likely about the twins and holding them in her loving arms. He crept closer to the bed with a grin on his face. He leant in and pressed his lips against her mouth. In her slumber, she moaned quietly and she twitched her nose. So Monty saw it as a sign to let her sleep some more while he got ready for the wedding. He got on with his normal morning routine as usual, but after he ate breakfast, he didn’t throw any old outfit on and head straight into the reptile room. Instead, he took his time in changing into his tuxedo. He didn’t want to crease it and appear a mess. He combed his bright red hair in front of the bathroom mirror, even though there was not much of it left due to his receding hairline. He had shaved especially close that morning – he wasn’t the best at it because of his disability – and he was pleased at the result. His chin looked almost shiny, or at least that’s what he believed. Lastly, he gave his glasses a final thorough polish. When he returned them to his face, he was fit to go to the wedding. But he still had one thing to do.
He walked slowly into Josephine’s room. By this time, she was starting to get up. Still lying in the same position, she rolled onto her back and smiled sleepily as Monty entered. She wolf-whistled.
“ Whoo! Let me look at you!” she cried. Monty did a full turn, feeling completely like an attractive, young male model. “ Very sexy, baby!”
Monty scoffed, blushing violently. “ Pshaw! You’re just saying!” he mumbled. But then, he looked at his wristwatch. “ Your mom will be here any minute now,” he said. “ Do you want me to bring you breakfast? Or will you wait and eat with Mom?” he asked in a fatherly tone. He was feeling more like a father with each passing day.
“ I’m in the mood for a fruit salad,” she replied.
He nodded his head. “ OK. I know how you like it.”
Gladys arrived just ten minutes later, while Monty was busy in the kitchen slicing up pieces of bananas, peaches, mangoes, grapes and berries, and she was eager to get Monty out of the house, so she could be a mother again.
“ Hello, Monty!” she called cheerily after she had let herself in and found him in the kitchen. “ What are you making there?”
“ A fruit salad for Jo,” he replied, smiling. He popped a few blackberries into the bowl with his bare hands.
Gladys crept closer with an apprehensive expression on her wrinkled face. “ I hope you washed those first; and your hands,” she grumbled firmly. “ I don’t want any nasty germs getting to Jo or her babies!”
Monty chuckled heartily. He then understood where Jo’s paranoia came from and he couldn’t help but find it cute. “ Yes, I did. Don’t worry, Mrs. Connolly, I’ve been taking good care of your girl.”
“ I hope you’re telling the truth,” she muttered, but Monty didn’t hear her. A few seconds later, she asked, “ So, is she upstairs?”
“ Yeah. Just gimme a minute and I’ll take you up.”
Monty removed his apron – as he wanted to avoid getting fruit juice on his clothes – and picked up the bowl. Then he led the way upstairs to the bedroom.
Before he went inside, he called out, “ Are you decent, sweetheart?” He shot Gladys a sideward smile, which she returned.
“ Yeah! Come in, baby!” Her sweet, quiet voice sounded muffled from behind the door.
That was when her boyfriend and her mother made their entrance. Sitting upright in bed with a pillow supporting her back, Josephine’s bright sapphire eyes lit up when she spotted her mother in the doorway.
“ Hi, precious!” the old lady cooed.
“ Hey, Mom!” They hugged one another tightly.
“ How are you feeling, darling?”
“ Good, good. I’m a bit bloated, though, and I’m
exhausted,” she answered, patting her enormous belly.
“ A bit?!” Monty butted in. “ You’re freakin’ huge!” He let out a loud and obnoxious guffaw.
Both Jo and Gladys raised their eyebrows in disapproval. Sensing the tension in the room, he hung his head in shame, sheepishly clearing his throat. “ Here’s your breakfast, honey,” he whispered. He handed the bowl of fruit over to Jo. He took another look at his watch. “ Well, I’d better get going.” He turned to Gladys, resting a fat hand on her shoulder. “ Now, are you
sure you’ll be all right?” he riddled.
The old woman dismissed the idea immediately. “ Yes, yes, yes!”
“ The laundry basket is in my room on the bed. OK? I’d appreciate it if you’d put the clean clothes away. And can you wash the dishes, too, please?”
With a smile, Gladys replied, “ Yes, of course, I will.”
“ My associate, Gustav, will be over to feed my reptiles at twelve o’clock, OK? Just let him in and leave him to it.”
“ Monty!” She stopped him jabbering on. “ Stop fretting!” she cried. “ Now get ya butt down to that wedding before you miss the ceremony!”
Monty swallowed. “ A-are you sure?” he asked. “ Well, ring me at the hotel if there are any problems. I’ve left the number on the pad by the phone in the kitchen. All right?”
Gladys nodded and began to usher the poor man out of the room. But before he left, the two women both shouted in unison, “ And let me know what Kit’s dress looks like!”
As Monty turned the wheel of his car, driving it into the car park of Hotel Denouement, he could see that the other guests had already arrived. The romantic atmosphere was buzzing in the air, and Monty was indeed buzzing with excitement. A wide grin stretched across his cheeks, Monty left his parked car with a spring in his step as he walked up to the main entrance of the building. In the gigantic lobby, it was full to the brim with wedding decorations. There were white and pale green streamers hanging on the high ceiling in a criss-cross. A number of white and pale green balloons were also on the ceiling with the paper strings falling down. On the glittering marble floor, there were little gold pieces. As Monty got a closer look, he realised that they all spelt out Dewey and Kit’s initials. And just by the entrance, there was an attractive sandwich board with ‘Wedding of Dewey Denouement & Kit Snicket. June 10th, 1939. 1:30pm. Wedding Venue Room,’ written on it in an attractive cursive. Monty could almost giggle at how romantic this day was. He adjusted his bowtie, but was startled by an unfamiliar woman’s voice.
“ Pale green is today’s theme,” she said, gazing around this amazing place.
Monty turned and saw that it was the Snicket siblings’ aunt, Justice Jenna Strauss. He swallowed his shyness away, or at least tried to. “ Oh! You’re the Snickets’ aunt, aren’t you?” he said. They shook hands.
“ Uh, have we met?” she asked sheepishly, frowning to think.
“ I was at Lemony’s birthday party,” he replied.
Justice Strauss knocked back her head. “ Oh, yes! Now I remember. What’s your name again, love?”
“ Monty. Monty Montgomery.”
Justice Strauss let out a gasp and snapped her fingers. “ Kit’s been yapping on about you!”
Monty blushed. “ Oh, really? What on Earth for?”
The older woman smiled warmly. “ I’ve just come from her room now and she just won’t shut up about you! She says you’re the father of twins. Is that right?”
He nodded, beaming with pride. “ Not yet, but they’ll be here soon. We hope!” He smiled again and laughed a little, feeling more at ease. “ So, you’re a guest here, then, I guess?”
“ Um, I guess you could say that. I’m marrying them.”
He blinked in surprise and confusion. He lowered his eyes to the sparkling floor. He didn’t want to admit that he didn’t fully understand what she meant. “ What does that mean?” he decided to say in the end.
“ I’m marrying them. I’ll be conducting the ceremony,” she explained.
He quirked his eyebrows in interest. “ Oh, OK,” he muttered. “ That’d be nice.”
Justice Strauss nodded her head vigorously. “ Yes. Yes. I feel greatly privileged to be marrying my own niece.”
Monty cracked a smile and was about to make a joke about what she had just said, but spotted Esme and Jerome out of the corner of his eye. He waved to them and greeted them. They saw him and as they approached him, they greeted him back.
“ Hi, how’re you doing, Mont?” asked Jerome after he was finished hugging him.
“ I’m great! I’m fantastic!” he replied. “ How are you, Esme?”
Esme had always kept a low profile when hanging out with people who were out, but on this day, she couldn’t stop smiling. “ I’m feeling…
in!” she cried. She gave a little twirl to show off her wedding outfit. She was wearing a loose-fitting bright pink silk blouse with a matching jacket and she was wearing off-black trousers with dark red leather stiletto boots.“ She spent all day choosing it,” Jerome told Monty, who sniggered. “ It’s very nice, Esme.”
She scoffed. “ Well,
you paid for it!”
Monty looked disapprovingly at his friend.
He heaved a sigh and shrugged his shoulders. “ I didn’t want to argue…”
Justice Strauss looked at her watch and gave a little shriek. “ It’s almost half one! You’d better find your seats, and I’d better get ready to perform the ceremony!” She let out a nervous but excited noise and dashed across the large room, headed towards the Wedding Venue Room.
“ Looks like we have to go, too,” Jerome mumbled.
“ Monty, you can sit with us,” Esme said kindly.
Then she did a strange thing. She slid a kind hand into Monty’s and she led the way through many different themed wedding venues. There was a jungle-themed area, and an under the sea theme, Country and Western, outer space, pirate, and vampire, and even a Nazi Germany-themed venue – much to Monty’s astonishment. But when Jerome and Esme brought him to the non-themed venue, they were all blown away by what they found there. On the ceiling, there was a grand chandelier with green light bulbs, giving everything a light greenish hue. The carpet that Kit would walk down was also green; like something out of The Wizard of Oz. And like in the vast lobby, there were green and white streamers and dozens of balloons were high on the ceiling. A hundred or more folding chairs were all laid out in a certain order, but they could hardly be seen. Most of the guests were already sitting in them, gossiping excitedly amongst themselves. At the far end of the room stood a nervous Dewey, and Lemony, Jacques, Josh, and Dewey’s identical brothers, Frank and Ernest. They were all wearing identical black tuxedos, and they all looked extremely smart, as Monty thought. Evadne was also with them, but she was sitting on a chair – she, and Chas, were both in their mid-eighties, so they sometimes had problems with their mobility. She was wearing a lovely pale green dress with a matching ribbon in her short white hair. Monty wondered where Chas was. Suddenly, Justice Strauss appeared by the door. Her bright brown eyes were sparkling with giddiness. She cleared her throat.
“ Excuse me, everybody! The ceremony is about to begin! Would you take your seats, please?”
With a yank of the hand, Esme pulled Jerome and Monty closer to the front and put them both on a chair side by side each other. Esme then proceeded to sit next down to her husband. On the right side of Monty sat the Snickets’ biological aunt, Abigail Stoppard, with her husband, Garrett, and their only child, Charles, and his much older boyfriend, Sir. The shy herpetologist smiled at each of them politely and gave a friendly nod, which they all returned – except for Sir, but it was quite hard to tell because of the smoke cloud that completely covered his face. Though, rudely, Monty couldn’t stop staring at Abigail. A few months prior to this day, Kit had shown him an old photograph of her father, David – Abigail’s older, now deceased, brother – and he was amazed at the family resemblance. That made him wonder if his own children might possibly take after Jo’s brothers, or perhaps, even after his own late sister. Abigail noticed, of course, but didn’t say a word, as Justice Strauss began to play the Bridal Chorus on a CD player. The entire room fell silent, except for the eerie sound of over a hundred heads turning. A toothy grin spread across his face.
Kit was standing in the doorway, her emerald eyes shimmering with pure happiness as she held her elderly grandfather close by her side. She had a veil on her head, which covered up her beautiful, freckled face, so it was her dress that everyone marvelled at. It wasn’t anything exquisite or over the top. It wasn’t anything grand at all. It was just a simple pale green, loose-fitting, sleeveless summer dress that fell down just above the knee. It hugged her large pregnant belly, and Monty could imagine that the baby would be exceptionally proud to be wearing, too – so to speak. On her feet, she wore white leather sandals that creaked quietly as she walked down the aisle. Monty turned back to look at Dewey. Dewey was awestruck. His handsome, round dark eyes grew wide and his jaw dropped. Countless smiles could be seen in the crowd, and there was almost an orchestra of sobs and sniffles as people wept with joy. As she walked, or waddled in her case, she shot a few nervous smiles at the guests – so did Chas, looking rather dapper in his tux. Monty could feel his eyes become wet as his bottom lip wobbled; he had never felt so proud of her before this moment. His own, biological daughter was still in her confinement of Josephine’s cosy and comfortable womb, but he felt like it was his daughter getting married. Kit walked past his row and he gave a little wave that she sheepishly returned. Her cheeks were red-hot with embarrassment, but that still wouldn’t shake her happy grin. The grandfather and granddaughter reached the end and the ceremony could begin. Chas planted a little kiss on Kit’s hand.
Justice Strauss smiled broadly. She cleared her throat somewhat nervously before she began to speak. “ Who gives this woman to this man?” she asked Chas.
“ I do,” Chas answered, his voice cracking slightly as he held back his tears. He went to sit down next to his wife. Kit was grinning from ear to ear.
The judge continued. “ Dearly beloved, we are gathered here today in the presence of these witnesses to join Dewey and Kit in matrimony, which is commended to be honourable among all men; and therefore – is not by any – to be entered into unadvisedly or lightly – but reverently, discreetly, advisedly and solemnly. Into this estate these two persons present now come joined. If any person can show just cause why they may not be joined together – let them speak now or forever hold their peace.”
Monty discreetly coughed into his hand. He had an urge to put his hand up to object, but he knew Dewey was made for Kit.
Kit breathed a sigh of relief and whispered something into Dewey’s ear, which made him chuckle silently.
“True marriage is more than joining the bonds of marriage of two persons,” Justice Strauss went on, “ it is the union of two hearts. It lives on the love you give each other and never grows old, but thrives on the joy of each new day. Marriage is love. May you always be able to talk things over, to confide in each other, to laugh with each other, to enjoy life together, and to share moments of quiet and peace, when the day is done. May you be blessed with a lifetime of happiness and a home of warmth and understanding.”
Dewey rested a loving hand on Kit’s belly. Monty’s heart was overflowing with emotion as he saw her begin to cry.
The judge noticed and she grinned with pride. “ Now, everyone, Kit and Dewey have written their own vows that they will now recite,” she said. “ Dewey…”
Dewey rolled his eyes and heaved a sigh. “ Do I have to?!” he protested. There was a Mexican wave of laughter in response.
“ Yes, you do, I’m afraid,” Justice Strauss answered, laughing.
“ OK,” he muttered, making everyone roar with laughter again. He exhaled and began. “ When we met through your brother – thanks for that, by the way, Lemony!” Lemony smiled and nodded. “ You were really unhappy. You were a teenage mom, you were struggling to raise your son alone, and your ex was being horrible to you. But when you were with me, you were different. You laughed
all the time, you were great company, you were a little nutty and I loved spending time with you and your son. I was only seventeen at the time, but I knew I was falling in love with you. I’m thirty five now – as much as I hate to admit it – and I still love you as much I did back then. Maybe even more. I won’t ever stop loving you because you are amazing. And when you drop little one here,” he paused to point at Kit’s belly. Everyone chuckled again, “ I promise I’m going to take care of it, and cherish it. I promise to do this with all our other children we will one day have, even Josh! And I promise I will always put you first. I mean, this hotel is a pretty amazing place to work, but you will always be number one to me. I will always want to protect you and keep you close. That ain’t never gonna change!”
Kit lowered her eyes, smiling as she held back tears. “ Dewey, Dewey, Dewey…” she said, shaking her head. “ You sentimental fool!” she cried.
“ Well, you try and top
that!” he snapped.
“ OK…” Kit said. “ OK, I will. As you said, when Lemony first introduced us to one another, I had been broken hearted. I left the father of my son while I was only three months pregnant and I went into this downward spiral. I was depressed. I was suicidal. I was broken. Really broken. And you came with your boyish charm, and your energy, and your enthusiastic outlook on life and…” she paused to take a few moments to sob. “ You fixed me. You fixed me, Dewey. Even after our first date, I felt normal again, which I hadn’t felt since before Josh’s birth. And I guess I’m saying…if you were broken, I would want to fix you, and I would! So, yeah…I wouldn’t leave you just because you were depressed or angry or whatever, I would support you in all your wrongdoings and upsets. Because you were the one who made my life worth living – no offence, Josh,” she added when she saw her son’s disapproving glare. The crowd applauded and there were a few scattered chuckles.
Justice Strauss smiled and wiped a tear from her eye. “ Um, do you, Dewey Dermott Milton Denouement, take this woman, Kit Scarlett Snicket, to be your lawfully wedded wife, to have and to hold from this day forward, for better or for worse, for richer, for poorer, in sickness and in health, to love and to cherish until death do you part?”
Dewey had gotten extremely teary-eyed and he was now grinning from ear to ear as he nodded lightly. “ I do,” he said.
“ Do you, Kit Scarlett Snicket, take this man, Dewey Dermott Milton Denouement to be your lawfully wedded husband, to have and to hold from this day forward, for better or for worse, for richer, for poorer, in sickness and in health, to love and to cherish until death do you part?”
Kit looked up and gazed lovingly into Dewey’s brown eyes and muttered, “ I do.”
“ Uh, the rings?” Justice Strauss piped up.
Joshua nervously stepped forward and gave his new stepfather the two golden rings. He waved to someone in the audience. Dewey took the smallest ring and Kit took the bigger one. The hotel manager squeezed his new wife’s hands as he slipped the ring on to her plump-ish finger.
“ This ring is a token of my love. I marry you with this ring, with all that I have and all that I am,” he told her.
Kit did the exact same thing and said the same thing.
A proud grin spread across the judge’s aging face. “ By the power vested in me, I now pronounce you husband and wife! My darling niece, you may now kiss your new husband!”
Kit chuckled and the couple kissed one another lovingly as the entire room erupted into applause. Monty clapped his hands with all his might, and before too long, his hands were red sore and he couldn’t clap any more. Hand in hand, the couple trotted down the aisle – even though it was more difficult to do so in Kit’s condition – and dashed out of the door as Justice Strauss played the Wedding March from the CD player.
A few hours later, the party had moved to the reception, where there was much drinking and eating, dancing and music, and much merrymaking. Monty clung onto Jerome and Esme and as a small group, they made tedious small talk with the other guests that no one really ever cared about. After he grew bored and he took to doing amusing things for three young children, who had lost their parents in the crowd. He made funny faces for them, as well as funny voices and he told them comical jokes which made them fall about with laughter. This even surprised himself because he was always nervous at social gatherings, especially weddings. He knew Jo was with him in spirit and he couldn’t wait to get home and tell her all about this joyous day. The newly married couple were sitting in the far end of the room quietly conversing with their friends and family. But Monty soon grew tired and he started to sit with them.
“ It was a really nice ceremony, you two,” he said.
“ Thank you,” Kit answered, patting her belly. “ It’s a shame Jo couldn’t come. How is she doing, by the way?”
“ Oh, she’s getting better, thanks. The real question is, how are
you?” he asked in a cheerful voice. “ I’m surprised your waters didn’t break or something!”
Kit let out a loud laugh and she knocked back her blonde head. “ I’m surprised, too. This little guy’s kicking so hard!”
Dewey placed a protective hand on her bump, rubbing it vigorously. “ Not long now!”
Kit heaved a sigh. “ I’m so proud of you, Monty,” she whispered, touching the old man’s arm.
He blushed and looked away. Shaking his head, he stuttered, “ What-what do you, uh, m-mean?”
“ I saw you with those Baudelaire kids,” she replied, giving him a sly look. “ You know, before you met Josephine, you were a mess. You weren’t good with people and you were shy. And your home life, too, that was horrible. You couldn’t keep up with your chores and you were constantly missing out bills and stuff. But now look at you! You took control of your life. And now, it’s like you’re whole new person. You didn’t let your disability get you down and that’s why I’m proud of you! I mean, you went up to those kids like they were your own! You would never have done that before!”
Monty shrugged his shoulders. “ I don’t know. I still feel the same!” he chuckled.
Kit exchanged a look with Dewey. “ That’s why I want you to be the baby’s godfather.”
Monty quirked his eyebrows in slight confusion. “ What, like Marlon Brando?”
Dewey sniggered behind his hand. “ Yeah, something like that.”
Monty’s brown eyes shone brightly, content at the thought being of a godfather. “ I guess Josephine would want you two to be the twins’ godparents, too.”
Kit nodded her head. “ I am honoured.”
Later that evening, when Monty drove home, he couldn’t stop grinning. He was itching to tell Jo all about the wedding and about the honour of being a godfather. He burst in through the front door, sweat leaping from his brow and a never-ending grin on his mouth. On all fours, he galloped up the stairs to Josephine’s bedroom, but only found Gladys standing there in the middle of the room. He could hear the sound of running water from the bathroom, which led him to guess that she was in the shower.
The old lady smiled warmly. “ Hi, Monty!” she called. “ How did it go?”
“ Oh, brilliantly! Kit was
gorgeous! She had this little green dress and, oh! It was lovely!” he cried excitedly. “ And guess what? They asked me to be their baby’s godfather! How awesome is that?!”
Gladys grinned. “ Oh, that’s lovely!” she said. “ Lucky you!” But then, she crept closer to the father of two of her grandchildren. She lowered her voice, just low enough not to be heard by Jo in the shower. “ I was thinking we could plan a surprise for Josephine. She’s been so down today!”
“ I know,” Monty replied, nodding his head in agreement. “ All she wants is for her pregnancy to be over. But what can we do for her? I mean, we can’t just throw her down the stairs to get the labour going…I don’t know what to suggest!”
Gladys frowned in thought for several moments. “ She mentioned something about wanting to get away…What about a mini-vacation? But that would
never work. She’s too far along!”
Monty spotted something in the corner, under the wardrobe. He stared at it for a long while. It was a small, thick shadow that moved ever so slightly. Then he came to realise that he was staring at Wenceslas the South American bullfrog, who had escaped from his cage in the reptile room. Monty remembered finding him deep in the rainforest a few years earlier and that gave him an idea. Before he strode over to pick the small creature up, he snapped his fingers and gave a cry of excitement.
“ Eureka!” he shouted.
“ Eureka what?” came Jo’s gentle answer. “ Hey, baby. How was the wedding?”
Both Gladys and Monty jumped in surprise to see Josephine standing in the doorway, sopping wet and wrapped in a large towel. Sheepishly, Monty stroked Wenceslas’ little slimy head as Gladys awkwardly gazed around the room.
“ Nothing, dear,” Gladys was brave to utter.
“ Uh, I’m going to put Wenceslas away and then I can tell you all about the wedding!” he cried.
“ Oh, yes!” she replied tiredly but excitedly. “ I can’t wait to hear about her dress! I bet she looked gorgeous!”
“ Yeah, she did,” Monty muttered faintly. Before heading back out of the door, he shot a mischievous wink to Gladys, knowing he would tell her all about his plan later on when Jo wasn’t around to hear it.