Oh you don't need one? Well I'm gonna post it anyway
DISCLAIMER: I wrote this before secretsanta58 posted his fic adaptation of the events around here, but I'm sorry how this may lessen the originality of this Secret Santa gift. But this fic is different and includes you as well, Anka, as that was one of your wishes, so I hope you'll like it.
"667 Secret Santa for Anka"
Okay, so this story is loosely based on true events that happened a long time ago, as in like two weeks ago, on this forum. I didn't really catch up with ALL of the e-marriage and e-adoption going on lately, so this is based on the moment in time that was captured by Kensicle on
this Family Tree. Here it goes, starting with our first character...
This is Anka. She's happily married to Lemona (together they're Lemonanka). They have three adopted, now grown up children called Pen, Bee, and Sophie. Lemona also has a bearded brother, BSam, who is so old, he always gets his niece's and nephew's names wrong.
'Ben! Pee! Sophia!' called out Uncle BSam, 'Ya mother made dinna, so come on to the table, it's Christmas Eve for godssakes!'
Christmas Eve it was indeed. Lemonanka have both prepared a marvelous feast with potatoing potatos and stuffed turkey and salsa. Upon Uncle BSam's calling all of the family showed up at the table. All three children were already married, Bee and her husband Charles even had a little child (Tryina) with a prearranged little husband (Lucas) themselves, and it all seemed so idyllic. But it wasn't so.
There was one distant cousin, MisterM, a mysterious writer--also present at the table--who was jealous of Charles' relationship with Bee, whose heart he pined for. Every night he would creep up to Bee's bedroom and look at sleeping Bee with great longing. What Charles didn't know either was that his wife Bee wasn't in love with him anymore for a very long time. She was more interested in her brother, the wealthy Brazilian business magnate Pen. But he was already married to this handsome, amazing guy called Terry, so...... And Tryina was very unhappy with her prearranged marriage with Lucas as well. As was Lucas. Sophie was actually happy with her hubby Tragedy, but he has grown to become a very moody man.
So beyond this facade of perfect happiness and roasted turkey at the Christmas dinner table was deep distress and heartache going on.
'...so I said to him, I'm going to have to get out of this expensive, wet tuxedo and slip into an expensive, dry martini. Hahahahaha,' finished Pen an amusing anecdote he started earlier, 'Get it? I'm rich, and you're not, hahahahaha!'
Nobody laughed.
'So what have you been up to, Sophie?' Anka changed the subject.
'Oh, me and Tragedy have been having the greatest honeymoon!' said Sophie giddily.
made Tragedy silently.
'Yeah?' said handsome Terry to Sophie, 'Cool, me and Pen, too. We spent it in the "Neutral Milk" Hotel in NYC and we listened the sh*t out of the Pixies and stuff.'
'Yeah and David Bowie and stuff,' agreed Pen.
'Hey, do you listen to Owl City, too?' asked MisterM.
'Nah, not r-' Terry started, but then got cut off by MisterM.
'No, I was actually asking Bee. Cos you know, Bee, there's this song with those lyrics that really resonate with me. It goes something like:
We are honey and the bee
Backyard of butterflies surrounded me
I fell in love with you
Like bees to honey
So let's up
And leave the weeping to the willow tree
And pour our tears in the seaI kinda feel like the honey in the song, you know, Bee?'
'No, I don't, MisterM,' said Bee irritated.
Meanwhile Lucas was throwing KPop gifs at Tryina, and Tryina was sticking out her tounge at Lucas.
'Cut it out you two,' said Charles.
'Meg started it!' protested Lucas.
'THERE IS NO MEG,' shouted Charles.
'Honey, let the psychiatrist deal with that,' Bee reprimanded her husband.
'DON'T DISAGREE WITH ME IN FRONT OF THE CHILD,' shouted Charles at Bee.
'Okay, that's it! I can't take it anymore!' Bee yelled, 'I'm not in love with you anymore, I'm in love with Pen!'
'But he's your brother!' said Uncle BSam with a horrified and disgusted face.
'I don't care! It feels so right!' Bee insisted.
made Tragedy silently.
'No way, he's mine!' handsome Terry firmly said.
That's when Bee noticed how handsome Terry was and she changed her mind, 'Oh yeah, no I'm actually in love with you, Terry!'
'Wait what the potato is going on?' said Terry.
'HOW COULD YOU DO THAT TO ME!' Pen shouted at Terry in tears, 'Did all the Lou Reed and Nirvana mean nothing to you?!!'
'Wait what the potato is going on?' said Terry.
Pen pulled out a golden gun and pointed it at Terry. 'I thought I could trust you!!'
'Don't you ever point a gun at my potential lover at the moment!' yelled Bee and pulled out a gun at Pen.
'And I thought I could trust
you!' yelled Charles and pulled a gun at Bee.
'And I loved you, Bee!' yelled Misterm and put a gun to his head.
made Tragedy silently and pulled a knife at Sophie.
'No, Tragedy! What are you doing! I though you loved me!' said Sophie and pulled a gun at Tragedy with tears in her eyes.
'God, sometimes you can be potatoing annoying,' said Lemona and pulled out a gun at Tryina.
'I've got nothing against you really,' said Uncle BSam and pulled out a gun at Anka.
'Yeah, neither do we. You're really cool, Anka,' agreed everybody in synchronization and smiled at Anka.
'Oh gosh, thanks, you guys,' blushed Anka.
Then Lucas threw a KPop gif at Terry, and Terry shot Lucas, Pen shot Terry, Bee shot Pen, Charles shot Bee, MisterM shot himself, Tragedy knifed Sophie, Sophie shot Tragedy, Lemona shot Tryina, and Uncle BSam shot Anka so she wouldn't be left out of the whole killing trend.
Everybody was dead except for Uncle BSam. He looked out one way and then the other and then grabbed the roasted turkey and ran away as police sirens appeared in the distance.
END SCENE. CUT TO CREDITS and SONG:
Harry Nilsson - "Lime in the Coconut"