Post by Sheepdogg Plankton on Nov 22, 2003 11:19:10 GMT -5
i realize that most of you will take this as copyright infringement on someone else's fic, but this is an autobiography by Count Olaf. So, if you have any problem with the other Count Olaf autobiography fic, then deal with it, buster.
THE REALLY AUTHORIZED AUTOBIOGRAPHY OF COUNT OLAF
BY
COUNT OLAF
THE TABLE OF CONTENTS
FORWARD
1. THE EARLY YEARS
2. THE SCHOOLING YEARS
3. JOINING VFD
4. THE SCHISM
5. LEMONY SNICKET
6. VERBAL FRIDGE DIALOGUE
7. BEATRICE
8. A DREADFUL FIRE
9. MANY A CONFUSING WEB WE WEAVE
10. ESME SQUALOR
11. THE BAUDELAIRE INCIDENT
12. SUNNY BAUDELAIRE
13. SOME BACKROUND INFORMATION
Note to the Editor: The Authorized Biography of Count Olaf isdjsfksdhgksdhlsdhlkgh
With a ll due respect.
L
Anmother note to the editor: The Authorized Biography of Count Olaf should be read by anyone.
With all due respect,
O
FORWARD
I am sorry about his, editor, but due to the fact that my typewriter has broken down, I, Count Olaf, the most Handsome man, will have to write this forward entirely with my pencil on a several pieces of paper.
This Forward will attempt to answer several questions. The First is:
How did this Autobiography come about?
And,
Will you get out of my way?
The first one, I can actually answer now, surprisingly! Yes, if you please, I would be glad to get out of your way, so I will just walk right on out, and that will be perfectly fine with me.
The Second one, however, has a rather longer story. This came about when I was just finished putting on a play, called the Marvelous Marriage, by the famous Playright Al Funcoot, when I received a telegram from a publisher asking me to meet with him. So, before launching another plan of villainy and heroics, I went downtown to meet with this man. I went into the office, and he sat there and teold me of how he had heard of my prestigious career, and would like me to write a book, based on my life. So, after my next plans failed, before I went to launch a devastating plan at 667 Dark Avenue, in my spare time I began to write the opening chapters to this book. I have to say that I had the time of my life writing it, as I went baack on my life and was able to make new connections and it was fun writing it. When I got done the manuscript, I realized, how would I be able to send it to my editor?
Soon, however, the answer dawned on me, and I concocted a dangerous plan involving a phone booth, which would have me drop the manuscript right in there for the Editor to pick it up later. It succeeded, and within days, this autobiography of moi, the most handsome man, and the world’s greatest actor, now rests in your hands. I daresay you should use it well.
CHAPTER ONE
THE EARLY YEARS
Count Olaf was born on a day that I do not remember, even if the fact remains that I am Count Olaf. In writing the Autobiography, I have made a list of thirteen chapters to be written, to cover the full extend of my life. I will get started with the years from 1-5.
When I was just a wee lad, I was born, and I liked to burn things, seemingly for no reason at all. I would burn ants, all kinds of things, with magnifying glasses, sticks rubbed together, and the occasional match to kerosene.
There is nothing that really happens too eventful during my early years as a young lad, except that I grew up in a very important part of the city, and that my mother and father also raised me to be as handsome as I could be. The most important things happen, however, and the most important events of my young life are two things.
The First is the fact that when I was about five, the VFD came and began to watch me, even if I was highly unaware of it. The other is the fact that my parents perished under mysterious circumstances that today I myself do not know. So, the fact came that I was taken in at Dark Avenue, in a penthouse that is now owned today by my girlfriend, Esme Squalor, the city’s sixth most important financial advisor. I spent most of my days there, and learned what was in and what wasn’t, and did not know right from wrong, evil from good, or anything like that. However, later in life, that would change.
THE REALLY AUTHORIZED AUTOBIOGRAPHY OF COUNT OLAF
BY
COUNT OLAF
THE TABLE OF CONTENTS
FORWARD
1. THE EARLY YEARS
2. THE SCHOOLING YEARS
3. JOINING VFD
4. THE SCHISM
5. LEMONY SNICKET
6. VERBAL FRIDGE DIALOGUE
7. BEATRICE
8. A DREADFUL FIRE
9. MANY A CONFUSING WEB WE WEAVE
10. ESME SQUALOR
11. THE BAUDELAIRE INCIDENT
12. SUNNY BAUDELAIRE
13. SOME BACKROUND INFORMATION
Note to the Editor: The Authorized Biography of Count Olaf is
With a ll due respect.
L
Anmother note to the editor: The Authorized Biography of Count Olaf should be read by anyone.
With all due respect,
O
FORWARD
I am sorry about his, editor, but due to the fact that my typewriter has broken down, I, Count Olaf, the most Handsome man, will have to write this forward entirely with my pencil on a several pieces of paper.
This Forward will attempt to answer several questions. The First is:
How did this Autobiography come about?
And,
Will you get out of my way?
The first one, I can actually answer now, surprisingly! Yes, if you please, I would be glad to get out of your way, so I will just walk right on out, and that will be perfectly fine with me.
The Second one, however, has a rather longer story. This came about when I was just finished putting on a play, called the Marvelous Marriage, by the famous Playright Al Funcoot, when I received a telegram from a publisher asking me to meet with him. So, before launching another plan of villainy and heroics, I went downtown to meet with this man. I went into the office, and he sat there and teold me of how he had heard of my prestigious career, and would like me to write a book, based on my life. So, after my next plans failed, before I went to launch a devastating plan at 667 Dark Avenue, in my spare time I began to write the opening chapters to this book. I have to say that I had the time of my life writing it, as I went baack on my life and was able to make new connections and it was fun writing it. When I got done the manuscript, I realized, how would I be able to send it to my editor?
Soon, however, the answer dawned on me, and I concocted a dangerous plan involving a phone booth, which would have me drop the manuscript right in there for the Editor to pick it up later. It succeeded, and within days, this autobiography of moi, the most handsome man, and the world’s greatest actor, now rests in your hands. I daresay you should use it well.
CHAPTER ONE
THE EARLY YEARS
Count Olaf was born on a day that I do not remember, even if the fact remains that I am Count Olaf. In writing the Autobiography, I have made a list of thirteen chapters to be written, to cover the full extend of my life. I will get started with the years from 1-5.
When I was just a wee lad, I was born, and I liked to burn things, seemingly for no reason at all. I would burn ants, all kinds of things, with magnifying glasses, sticks rubbed together, and the occasional match to kerosene.
There is nothing that really happens too eventful during my early years as a young lad, except that I grew up in a very important part of the city, and that my mother and father also raised me to be as handsome as I could be. The most important things happen, however, and the most important events of my young life are two things.
The First is the fact that when I was about five, the VFD came and began to watch me, even if I was highly unaware of it. The other is the fact that my parents perished under mysterious circumstances that today I myself do not know. So, the fact came that I was taken in at Dark Avenue, in a penthouse that is now owned today by my girlfriend, Esme Squalor, the city’s sixth most important financial advisor. I spent most of my days there, and learned what was in and what wasn’t, and did not know right from wrong, evil from good, or anything like that. However, later in life, that would change.