Post by Sheepdogg Plankton on Jan 1, 2004 12:57:00 GMT -5
Book the Thirteenth -- The Crazy Conclusion
Chapter One
Last. Last is an incredibly horrible word, and in the case of this series, it is even more horrible then ever before. 13. This is book thirteen of this thirteen book series, and thirteen is a very, very, very bad number. It is highly unlucky, and even more highly unfortunate. In the case of Oliver Twist, Charles’ Dickens’ novel, the last chapter is called ‘And Last’, and it is simply the most dreadful chapter of them all, from Monk’s point of View. And in the case of the Baudelaire’s, this is the most dreadful book ever written, from the first miserable chapter to the last unlucky chapter, unlucky meaning, ‘suddenly a piano might fall from a penthouse window and knock you on the head while reading the Thirteenth Chapter of the Crazy Conclusion.’
However, introducing the characters is a good place to start. The Baudelaire’s were indeed some of the most charming and kindly kids you could find anywhere, and yet, as society goes, they were doomed to a miserable fate. Violet Baudelaire’s was just fourteen years old, yet I feel she was the greatest inventor of her time. If you ever see a ribbon tied up in her hair, it means she is thinking about a new invention. Much of her inventing skills help save the Baudelaire’s from her miserable situations.
Klaus Baudelaire’s, the middle child, wears glasses, which gives the impression that he is quite bookish. This impression it entirely correct. Stored in this remarkable young man’s mind is the information contained in hundreds and hundreds of books, and even the destruction of the library in the Baudelaire mansion has not stopped literary education. I often wish he was by my side, to assist me in my own research, but his skills are usually spent cooking up plans to undo Count Olaf’s treachery.
Sunny Baudelaire’s is an infant, and ergo, a word that here means, thus, the youngest of the Baudelaire orphans. Because she is an infant, she has not had the opportunity to accomplish nearly as much as her siblings, but she has a number of personal attributes. The first four are her incredibly sharp teeth. The teeth are so sharp that they can be used as weapons, and I’m sorry to say on several occasions she has had to use them as weapons, and even lifts to get up an elevator shaft on one occasion. Please not that Sunny tends to speak in curious syllables that are sometimes difficult to understand, in which case I have endeavored to translate then in the text of this book.
Then, there is the despicable count Olaf, and I have no interest whatsoever in saying anything about him at all. He is filthy, he is treacherous, and all he thinks about is the enormous fortune the Baudelaire parents have left behind, and numerous other fortunes, such as the Quagmire, the Spats, among others. He has only one eyebrow, which would normally make him easy to spot, but he tends to disguise himself as he chases the children, hatching more and more dastardly plans, and you can see why I am not going to waste any time at all discussing him. As for his comrades, a revolting crew of employees, including a hook handed man, and an enormous creature who looks like neither a man or a woman, and his IN girlfriend Esme, the less said about them, the better.
Now, I am going to warn you once more about all of the misery and misfortune that takes place in this chapter, because it begins in the next paragraph. You would honestly do a favor to the world if you dropped this book into the ocean, and I don’t mean stuffed inside a bottle or anything, just drop it in, and walk away, then all of the wretched ink that makes up this Crazy and Wretched story would be blank, just like The Blank Book, an equally dreadful book, and one more dreadful book would be disposed of.
***
The Baudelaires were tired. They were incredibly hungry. They were also walking through the Finite Forest, alone, in the dark, surprisingly green areas that in the spring made up for the blank dreariness of the other time of the year. The trees sprouted up from the ground, and way up, as far as they could see, but they couldn’t see the sky, as the humongous trees made a canopy against the sky.
‘Well,’ Violet said, ‘We can’t use the Veritable Flame devices.’
‘You’re right, Violet’, said Klaus, ‘On the other half, that would start a forest fire.’
Indeed it would, as there were so many trees around the place, all together and making it dark and humid, that the Bauldelaires could not tell whether it was night or day, and lighting one would indeed start a fire, being so close to all of the trees.
Soon, it became aware to the Baudelaires why the Finite forest was called so. It seemed to go in for InFINITEly. From what Mr. Poe had told them, The Train Track was about halfway. They hadn’t even reached a train track yet.
‘Klaus,’ Violet said, ‘Have you ever read a situation like this, before’
‘Well, in J.R.R Tolkien’s Novel The Hobbit, they got stuck in a dark forest.’ Klaus answered.
‘How did they escape?’ Violet inquired, a word which here means ‘asked Klaus how Bilbo Baggins and his
‘They were all captured by spiders, and by making fun of the spiders, Bilbo, the Hobbit, tricked the spider into letting the dwarves go, and they soon were captured by wood elves.’
‘Well, that is not going to help.’ Violet said, ‘We already have a head start on Olaf, why lay back and get captured?’
‘Ripe!’ Sunny shouted, which mean, ‘Maybe the time’s ripe for Violet’s invention!’
‘Maybe… But we don’t have anything. Of course, we’re right in front of the…’
The Bell Rang. They were right in front of the train track, and the train was coming towards them.
‘Quick! Sunny, the time is ripe for biting!’
Sunny then remembered that fateful night. The fateful night she had had to climb up a huge elevator shaft, using only her teeth. She knew what to do, but now there was no safety net. She hadn’t fallen that night, though, so she quickly jumped…
…and began to climb the tree. Using her teeth. ‘Ghowkdjwoi!’ She shouted, which meant something along the lines of: ‘I’m going to climb up to the top and see if I can string a vine down to you!’
Klaus tensely waited at the bottom. His sibling was not a baby anymore, but she was still only 2, and as their fate had it, something would go wrong. He still waited. Soon, she disappeared.
When Violet saw her disappear, she remembered the promise she had made to her parents, and wondered if she was going by it by letting Sunny climb the tree.
But Sunny? She was happy, which is unusual for their situation. However, they had a reason to be happy. Right in front of her face was the Self Sustaining Hot Air Home that Hector and the Quagmires had taken off in. Sunny had a vine, and swung it down. The Orphans began to climb, and Sunny signaled for the Baloon to stop.
‘Sunny?’ Hector asked, ‘Is that you?’
‘coo!’ She shouted, which here meant, ‘Live in living Color!’
‘Sunny! Oh, we have so much to tell you guys, we’ve seen so much!’
But the miserable part is yet to come. Sunny looked down, and saw the orphans. They were almost up. Hector then threw her a rope, instructing her to tie it to the tree. It was night, but she still knew the devil’s tongue pretty well from watching Violet. She tied it to the vine her siblings were crawling up, and breathed a sigh of relief.
‘Make?’ Sunny asked, which meant, ‘Can you make it up?’
‘Sunny!’ The Quagmires shouted, ‘Hurry, get in the balloon!’
Sunny reluctantly obeyed. Soon, Violet and Klaus almost up, they were flying sky high, so that even the dark forest became somewhat of a tiny dot.
Then, the most unfortunate, the most dreadful, and the most unlikely event of all happened. It was so unexpected, and many times I have looked for evidence that it happened, and I have wrote to the witnesses countless times, but none have answered. I have heard rumours that the vine is working at the In Botique, but this has not been verified, for I would never step foot in an In Botique, even if a giant leafy bug was chasing me and that was the only way to keep safe.
The Vine that they were hanging on, slipped, and Violet and Klaus went tumbling through the sky, soon becoming dots themselves.
Chapter One
Last. Last is an incredibly horrible word, and in the case of this series, it is even more horrible then ever before. 13. This is book thirteen of this thirteen book series, and thirteen is a very, very, very bad number. It is highly unlucky, and even more highly unfortunate. In the case of Oliver Twist, Charles’ Dickens’ novel, the last chapter is called ‘And Last’, and it is simply the most dreadful chapter of them all, from Monk’s point of View. And in the case of the Baudelaire’s, this is the most dreadful book ever written, from the first miserable chapter to the last unlucky chapter, unlucky meaning, ‘suddenly a piano might fall from a penthouse window and knock you on the head while reading the Thirteenth Chapter of the Crazy Conclusion.’
However, introducing the characters is a good place to start. The Baudelaire’s were indeed some of the most charming and kindly kids you could find anywhere, and yet, as society goes, they were doomed to a miserable fate. Violet Baudelaire’s was just fourteen years old, yet I feel she was the greatest inventor of her time. If you ever see a ribbon tied up in her hair, it means she is thinking about a new invention. Much of her inventing skills help save the Baudelaire’s from her miserable situations.
Klaus Baudelaire’s, the middle child, wears glasses, which gives the impression that he is quite bookish. This impression it entirely correct. Stored in this remarkable young man’s mind is the information contained in hundreds and hundreds of books, and even the destruction of the library in the Baudelaire mansion has not stopped literary education. I often wish he was by my side, to assist me in my own research, but his skills are usually spent cooking up plans to undo Count Olaf’s treachery.
Sunny Baudelaire’s is an infant, and ergo, a word that here means, thus, the youngest of the Baudelaire orphans. Because she is an infant, she has not had the opportunity to accomplish nearly as much as her siblings, but she has a number of personal attributes. The first four are her incredibly sharp teeth. The teeth are so sharp that they can be used as weapons, and I’m sorry to say on several occasions she has had to use them as weapons, and even lifts to get up an elevator shaft on one occasion. Please not that Sunny tends to speak in curious syllables that are sometimes difficult to understand, in which case I have endeavored to translate then in the text of this book.
Then, there is the despicable count Olaf, and I have no interest whatsoever in saying anything about him at all. He is filthy, he is treacherous, and all he thinks about is the enormous fortune the Baudelaire parents have left behind, and numerous other fortunes, such as the Quagmire, the Spats, among others. He has only one eyebrow, which would normally make him easy to spot, but he tends to disguise himself as he chases the children, hatching more and more dastardly plans, and you can see why I am not going to waste any time at all discussing him. As for his comrades, a revolting crew of employees, including a hook handed man, and an enormous creature who looks like neither a man or a woman, and his IN girlfriend Esme, the less said about them, the better.
Now, I am going to warn you once more about all of the misery and misfortune that takes place in this chapter, because it begins in the next paragraph. You would honestly do a favor to the world if you dropped this book into the ocean, and I don’t mean stuffed inside a bottle or anything, just drop it in, and walk away, then all of the wretched ink that makes up this Crazy and Wretched story would be blank, just like The Blank Book, an equally dreadful book, and one more dreadful book would be disposed of.
***
The Baudelaires were tired. They were incredibly hungry. They were also walking through the Finite Forest, alone, in the dark, surprisingly green areas that in the spring made up for the blank dreariness of the other time of the year. The trees sprouted up from the ground, and way up, as far as they could see, but they couldn’t see the sky, as the humongous trees made a canopy against the sky.
‘Well,’ Violet said, ‘We can’t use the Veritable Flame devices.’
‘You’re right, Violet’, said Klaus, ‘On the other half, that would start a forest fire.’
Indeed it would, as there were so many trees around the place, all together and making it dark and humid, that the Bauldelaires could not tell whether it was night or day, and lighting one would indeed start a fire, being so close to all of the trees.
Soon, it became aware to the Baudelaires why the Finite forest was called so. It seemed to go in for InFINITEly. From what Mr. Poe had told them, The Train Track was about halfway. They hadn’t even reached a train track yet.
‘Klaus,’ Violet said, ‘Have you ever read a situation like this, before’
‘Well, in J.R.R Tolkien’s Novel The Hobbit, they got stuck in a dark forest.’ Klaus answered.
‘How did they escape?’ Violet inquired, a word which here means ‘asked Klaus how Bilbo Baggins and his
‘They were all captured by spiders, and by making fun of the spiders, Bilbo, the Hobbit, tricked the spider into letting the dwarves go, and they soon were captured by wood elves.’
‘Well, that is not going to help.’ Violet said, ‘We already have a head start on Olaf, why lay back and get captured?’
‘Ripe!’ Sunny shouted, which mean, ‘Maybe the time’s ripe for Violet’s invention!’
‘Maybe… But we don’t have anything. Of course, we’re right in front of the…’
The Bell Rang. They were right in front of the train track, and the train was coming towards them.
‘Quick! Sunny, the time is ripe for biting!’
Sunny then remembered that fateful night. The fateful night she had had to climb up a huge elevator shaft, using only her teeth. She knew what to do, but now there was no safety net. She hadn’t fallen that night, though, so she quickly jumped…
…and began to climb the tree. Using her teeth. ‘Ghowkdjwoi!’ She shouted, which meant something along the lines of: ‘I’m going to climb up to the top and see if I can string a vine down to you!’
Klaus tensely waited at the bottom. His sibling was not a baby anymore, but she was still only 2, and as their fate had it, something would go wrong. He still waited. Soon, she disappeared.
When Violet saw her disappear, she remembered the promise she had made to her parents, and wondered if she was going by it by letting Sunny climb the tree.
But Sunny? She was happy, which is unusual for their situation. However, they had a reason to be happy. Right in front of her face was the Self Sustaining Hot Air Home that Hector and the Quagmires had taken off in. Sunny had a vine, and swung it down. The Orphans began to climb, and Sunny signaled for the Baloon to stop.
‘Sunny?’ Hector asked, ‘Is that you?’
‘coo!’ She shouted, which here meant, ‘Live in living Color!’
‘Sunny! Oh, we have so much to tell you guys, we’ve seen so much!’
But the miserable part is yet to come. Sunny looked down, and saw the orphans. They were almost up. Hector then threw her a rope, instructing her to tie it to the tree. It was night, but she still knew the devil’s tongue pretty well from watching Violet. She tied it to the vine her siblings were crawling up, and breathed a sigh of relief.
‘Make?’ Sunny asked, which meant, ‘Can you make it up?’
‘Sunny!’ The Quagmires shouted, ‘Hurry, get in the balloon!’
Sunny reluctantly obeyed. Soon, Violet and Klaus almost up, they were flying sky high, so that even the dark forest became somewhat of a tiny dot.
Then, the most unfortunate, the most dreadful, and the most unlikely event of all happened. It was so unexpected, and many times I have looked for evidence that it happened, and I have wrote to the witnesses countless times, but none have answered. I have heard rumours that the vine is working at the In Botique, but this has not been verified, for I would never step foot in an In Botique, even if a giant leafy bug was chasing me and that was the only way to keep safe.
The Vine that they were hanging on, slipped, and Violet and Klaus went tumbling through the sky, soon becoming dots themselves.