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Post by s on Nov 15, 2005 17:01:20 GMT -5
“The world is quiet here,” Is what they used to say, But ever since the wretched schism, Things have gone awry.
Their ankles are unmarked; Their enemies, disguised. Arson, murder, villainy: Their truth is naught but lies.
The VFD is crumbling; Its members are distraught. Whether volunteer or villain, A war will soon be fought.
Eh, it's okay... opinions, anyone?
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Post by Mrs. (Alphonse) Elric on Nov 15, 2005 21:49:51 GMT -5
I like it ^^ You did a nice job of making it snicket-y
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Post by Phoenix 4242424242424242424242 on Nov 16, 2005 1:32:19 GMT -5
Mm. *rubs chin thoughtfully* I really liked the rythme to it. Nice.
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Post by Grace on Nov 16, 2005 15:09:17 GMT -5
Wow, that was really good. Covered everything.
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Post by Shelly on Nov 20, 2005 20:58:48 GMT -5
Very good.
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Post by s on Nov 22, 2005 21:17:54 GMT -5
Mm. *rubs chin thoughtfully* I really liked the rythme to it. Nice. Rhyme? Or rhythm? Or a combination? Thanks for the compliments...but does anyone have any criticisms? I quite like the second stanza, but it feels like I'm wasting too many words in the first stanza (like, I'm saying too little for four whole lines). Any suggestions?
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Post by Ennui on Nov 26, 2005 5:58:05 GMT -5
The second stanza is much the best, I think. I don't mind the first stanza at all. But "A war will soon be fought" is somewhat irritating to my ears.
Maybe "Integrity is nought"? "With peril they are fraught"? "In their own nets they're caught"?
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Post by s on Nov 27, 2005 13:36:32 GMT -5
Yes, that line bothered me too: it was hardly an acceptable ending. However, I could thing of nothing better at the time, and simply jotted it down.
Hmm... Devastation has been (will be?) wrought?
However, I really like your "Integrity is nought," Ennui. Could I be permitted to use it?
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Post by Ennui on Nov 28, 2005 2:25:38 GMT -5
Absolutely. I aim to please!
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Post by s on Nov 28, 2005 17:51:54 GMT -5
“The world is quiet here,” Is what they used to say, But ever since the wretched schism, Things have gone awry.
Their ankles are unmarked; Their enemies, disguised. Arson, murder, villainy: Their truth is naught but lies.
The VFD is crumbling; Its members are distraught. Whether volunteer or villain, Integrity is naught.
Thanks, Ennui...your last line has helped this tremendously.
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Post by Jacques Snicket on Feb 4, 2006 21:45:18 GMT -5
Dear Reader, I also thought that the Very Fancily Detailed poem was truly the work of a virtuous person. Fantastic job. Signed, Jacques Snicket
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Post by Hooky on Feb 9, 2006 20:14:08 GMT -5
I liked the first one somewhat, but I like the second one better. Nice poem, SetnicK. It sounds mysterious and Snickety enough for my ears.
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Post by Sugary Snicket on Feb 11, 2006 16:21:36 GMT -5
That's good.
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Post by missalissa14 on Aug 19, 2007 11:18:56 GMT -5
makes the most sense
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Post by Semesther, the Dolphin Vampire on Aug 19, 2007 16:17:07 GMT -5
I like it!
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