Post by Luigi on Mar 13, 2004 11:12:53 GMT -5
CRAPPY FAN ARTNESS:
Chapter 1: Five Letters
Harry Potter put the book down.
James: Because he was too stupid to read it.
It was about him and the various adventures he had had in his first year at Hogwarts School of Witchcraft and Wizardry, seven years ago, written by an author he had never met. He stroked his snowy owl, Hedwig. He wasn’t sure how long owls lived for, but Hedwig seemed to be getting old.
Remus: In fics, Hagrid winds up dead, Ron winds up dead, Hermione winds up dead, Snape winds up dead, the whole entire Order winds up dead--me especially, Dumbledore winds up dead, Fawkes winds up dead-dead, Harry winds up dead in some cases and yet the owl lives on.
James: And you know what's extra funny? Me, Lil and Padfoot usually wind up alive somehow.
He looked around at his various possessions that were strewn around the room – a gleaming Nimbus 2500, the best sports broom in the world; an album of wizard’s photos showing his family and friends; a scattered collection of his old school books, including a practically destroyed Fantastic Beasts And Where To Find Them; robes, a telescope, cauldron, phials and scales; his phoenix-feather wand in his belt.
Harry was staying at his aunt and uncle’s house while he waited for his exam results; he needed top marks to get into Auror Training College. As he was thinking about this, a brown owl swooped down from the sky and into the open window. It dropped a letter from its beak on top of Harry’s bed and flew off again, without even stopping for an Owl Treat from Hedwig’s cage. Harry picked up the envelope, which was made of thick parchment, and opened it, his heart beating wildly.
He drew out a single sheet of parchment and read:
WIZARDING EXAMINATIONS AUTHORITY
Nastily Exhausting Wizarding Tests
Results: Harry James Potter
Candidate Number 63
Care of Magical Creatures: Outstanding
All: HA!
Charms: Exceeds Expectations
All: HA!
Defence Against the Dark Arts: Outstanding
All: HA!
Herbology: Acceptable
Fred: Believable.
Potions: Exceeds Expectations
All: AH?
Transfiguration: Exceeds Expectations
All: HA!
Harry breathed a sigh of relief, and smiled. He had got the grades he needed! Five results of Exceeds Expectations or higher! He wasn’t sure how being good at Care of Magical Creatures would help him, a better Herbology mark was what he had really wanted, but it wasn’t important.
Another owl swooped suddenly into the window and landed beside Hedwig,
Sirius: Wouldn't it be wildly funny if he got expelled for one reason or another?
who squawked angrily. It passed a letter with its beak to Harry, who took it. The envelope was sealed with a large stamp showing a wizard, a witch, a goblin and house-elf and a centaur
– the sign of the Ministry of Magic,
James: Since when?
Remus: I s'pose they want to make it diverse and politically correct.
which had once been a fountain before Harry and Professor Dumbledore had wrecked it in a duel with Lord Voldemort. Harry had destroyed Voldemort last year in the Great Hall at Hogwarts by filling the evil wizard with thoughts of love.
*they all stare*
Sirius: No he didn't.
Remus: I'd rather Voldemort had taken over England and killed Harry than for him to have filled him with thoughts of love.
James: I second it.
Fred: That's no way to kill a villain. AK47's are.
Remus: Do you even know what they are?
Fred: Uh, no. Aveda Kedavra x 47s or something?
Harry ripped open the letter and read:
THE MINISTRY OF MAGIC
Minister for Magic: Arthur Weasley, Order of Merlin, First Class, Warlock, Mugwump, International Confederation of Wizards,
Fred: Since when?
Order of the Phoenix.
Dear Mr. Potter,
After receiving notification of your NEWT results, we are pleased to announce that we can welcome you to Andros Auror Training College. Term will begin on October 1st. Please report to the visitors’ entrance of the Ministry of Magic at 3:30 pm. Enclosed is a list of books and necessary equipment. We await your owl by no later than August 15th.
Yours sincerely,
Amelia Bones,
Head, Department of Magical Law Enforcement
Harry put his arms in the air and shouted, “YES!!!”
Remus: Then he realized it was August 16th.
“Shut up, boy!” bellowed a voice from downstairs. “What is there to be so happy about? When are you getting your own house, anyway? Dudley has!”
Sirius: [angririly] No, he HASN'T.
Harry ignored his Uncle Vernon, and Ron’s excitable owl Pig shot through the window, h0it the wall, and slid slowly downwards onto the bed. Hedwig and the Ministry of Magic owl looked disapproving. Harry look the two scrolls from Pig’s leg and began to read the first:
Hi Harry,
Me and Hermione have just got our NEWT results, and they’re really good. I got an ‘O’ in DADA and an ‘E’ in everything else except Magical Creatures, where I only got a ‘P’. Anyway, it’s not important; I’d have done better if I hadn’t had a crazy Bowtruckle in the practical. Dad wants me to be an Auror, but I’m not sure – I’d like to play for the Cannons. You were brilliant in that last game by the way – why don’t you play pro Quidditch? Hermione’s also sending a letter, its here as well if Pig hasn’t lost it. Anyway, got to go,
Ron.
Harry smiled and picked up the Hermione’s letter.
Dear Harry,
I just received my exam results and they’re really good! All ‘O’s! I’ve managed to purchase a building in Diagon Alley for S.P.E.W.
Sirius: Is she serious?
Remus: Please don't tell me she's wasting her life with that.
– it’s next to Fred and George’s shop but I don’t think that will do anything to our reputation. How did you do in your NEWTs by the way? Are you going to Auror College like Ron?
Love,
Hermione.
Quickly, Harry scribbled a reply:
Dear Ron and Hermione,
I got 2 ‘O’s, 3 ‘E’s and an ‘A’. Well done to both of you! I’m going to Auror College – Ron, please come too. You’ve got the grades, and you’re my best friend! And Hermione, give up on SPEW, please!
Harry.
“Ennervate.” He revived Pig with his wand. The owl stood up groggily, the whizzed round the room at high speed. Harry tied the note to the owl’s leg and he flew off twittering happily. Harry sat down and picked up another piece of parchment, intending to write a letter back to the Ministry, but Uncle Vernon called downstairs: “BOY!!!”
Harry got up again and went downstairs. “Yes?” he asked, towering over his uncle.
“I’ve got a letter,” said Uncle Vernon. “For you. Here.”
He thrust the letter into Harry’s hand. He took it and returned upstairs to read. It was written on notepaper:
Dear Harry,
I’m not sure if you’re aware of this, but I have recently published a book about you, which is available to Muggles. I apologise profusely. I am not a witch myself, but I accidentally stumbled upon Hogwarts five years ago and Albus Dumbledore asked me to make an in-depth biography of you, using advanced Pensieve techniques. I have only written about your first year at Hogwarts so far, and I was wondering if I could continue.
Yours sincerely,
Joanne Rowling.
Sirius: Vomit inducing.
It had been a strange day.
Chapter 1: Five Letters
Harry Potter put the book down.
James: Because he was too stupid to read it.
It was about him and the various adventures he had had in his first year at Hogwarts School of Witchcraft and Wizardry, seven years ago, written by an author he had never met. He stroked his snowy owl, Hedwig. He wasn’t sure how long owls lived for, but Hedwig seemed to be getting old.
Remus: In fics, Hagrid winds up dead, Ron winds up dead, Hermione winds up dead, Snape winds up dead, the whole entire Order winds up dead--me especially, Dumbledore winds up dead, Fawkes winds up dead-dead, Harry winds up dead in some cases and yet the owl lives on.
James: And you know what's extra funny? Me, Lil and Padfoot usually wind up alive somehow.
He looked around at his various possessions that were strewn around the room – a gleaming Nimbus 2500, the best sports broom in the world; an album of wizard’s photos showing his family and friends; a scattered collection of his old school books, including a practically destroyed Fantastic Beasts And Where To Find Them; robes, a telescope, cauldron, phials and scales; his phoenix-feather wand in his belt.
Harry was staying at his aunt and uncle’s house while he waited for his exam results; he needed top marks to get into Auror Training College. As he was thinking about this, a brown owl swooped down from the sky and into the open window. It dropped a letter from its beak on top of Harry’s bed and flew off again, without even stopping for an Owl Treat from Hedwig’s cage. Harry picked up the envelope, which was made of thick parchment, and opened it, his heart beating wildly.
He drew out a single sheet of parchment and read:
WIZARDING EXAMINATIONS AUTHORITY
Nastily Exhausting Wizarding Tests
Results: Harry James Potter
Candidate Number 63
Care of Magical Creatures: Outstanding
All: HA!
Charms: Exceeds Expectations
All: HA!
Defence Against the Dark Arts: Outstanding
All: HA!
Herbology: Acceptable
Fred: Believable.
Potions: Exceeds Expectations
All: AH?
Transfiguration: Exceeds Expectations
All: HA!
Harry breathed a sigh of relief, and smiled. He had got the grades he needed! Five results of Exceeds Expectations or higher! He wasn’t sure how being good at Care of Magical Creatures would help him, a better Herbology mark was what he had really wanted, but it wasn’t important.
Another owl swooped suddenly into the window and landed beside Hedwig,
Sirius: Wouldn't it be wildly funny if he got expelled for one reason or another?
who squawked angrily. It passed a letter with its beak to Harry, who took it. The envelope was sealed with a large stamp showing a wizard, a witch, a goblin and house-elf and a centaur
– the sign of the Ministry of Magic,
James: Since when?
Remus: I s'pose they want to make it diverse and politically correct.
which had once been a fountain before Harry and Professor Dumbledore had wrecked it in a duel with Lord Voldemort. Harry had destroyed Voldemort last year in the Great Hall at Hogwarts by filling the evil wizard with thoughts of love.
*they all stare*
Sirius: No he didn't.
Remus: I'd rather Voldemort had taken over England and killed Harry than for him to have filled him with thoughts of love.
James: I second it.
Fred: That's no way to kill a villain. AK47's are.
Remus: Do you even know what they are?
Fred: Uh, no. Aveda Kedavra x 47s or something?
Harry ripped open the letter and read:
THE MINISTRY OF MAGIC
Minister for Magic: Arthur Weasley, Order of Merlin, First Class, Warlock, Mugwump, International Confederation of Wizards,
Fred: Since when?
Order of the Phoenix.
Dear Mr. Potter,
After receiving notification of your NEWT results, we are pleased to announce that we can welcome you to Andros Auror Training College. Term will begin on October 1st. Please report to the visitors’ entrance of the Ministry of Magic at 3:30 pm. Enclosed is a list of books and necessary equipment. We await your owl by no later than August 15th.
Yours sincerely,
Amelia Bones,
Head, Department of Magical Law Enforcement
Harry put his arms in the air and shouted, “YES!!!”
Remus: Then he realized it was August 16th.
“Shut up, boy!” bellowed a voice from downstairs. “What is there to be so happy about? When are you getting your own house, anyway? Dudley has!”
Sirius: [angririly] No, he HASN'T.
Harry ignored his Uncle Vernon, and Ron’s excitable owl Pig shot through the window, h0it the wall, and slid slowly downwards onto the bed. Hedwig and the Ministry of Magic owl looked disapproving. Harry look the two scrolls from Pig’s leg and began to read the first:
Hi Harry,
Me and Hermione have just got our NEWT results, and they’re really good. I got an ‘O’ in DADA and an ‘E’ in everything else except Magical Creatures, where I only got a ‘P’. Anyway, it’s not important; I’d have done better if I hadn’t had a crazy Bowtruckle in the practical. Dad wants me to be an Auror, but I’m not sure – I’d like to play for the Cannons. You were brilliant in that last game by the way – why don’t you play pro Quidditch? Hermione’s also sending a letter, its here as well if Pig hasn’t lost it. Anyway, got to go,
Ron.
Harry smiled and picked up the Hermione’s letter.
Dear Harry,
I just received my exam results and they’re really good! All ‘O’s! I’ve managed to purchase a building in Diagon Alley for S.P.E.W.
Sirius: Is she serious?
Remus: Please don't tell me she's wasting her life with that.
– it’s next to Fred and George’s shop but I don’t think that will do anything to our reputation. How did you do in your NEWTs by the way? Are you going to Auror College like Ron?
Love,
Hermione.
Quickly, Harry scribbled a reply:
Dear Ron and Hermione,
I got 2 ‘O’s, 3 ‘E’s and an ‘A’. Well done to both of you! I’m going to Auror College – Ron, please come too. You’ve got the grades, and you’re my best friend! And Hermione, give up on SPEW, please!
Harry.
“Ennervate.” He revived Pig with his wand. The owl stood up groggily, the whizzed round the room at high speed. Harry tied the note to the owl’s leg and he flew off twittering happily. Harry sat down and picked up another piece of parchment, intending to write a letter back to the Ministry, but Uncle Vernon called downstairs: “BOY!!!”
Harry got up again and went downstairs. “Yes?” he asked, towering over his uncle.
“I’ve got a letter,” said Uncle Vernon. “For you. Here.”
He thrust the letter into Harry’s hand. He took it and returned upstairs to read. It was written on notepaper:
Dear Harry,
I’m not sure if you’re aware of this, but I have recently published a book about you, which is available to Muggles. I apologise profusely. I am not a witch myself, but I accidentally stumbled upon Hogwarts five years ago and Albus Dumbledore asked me to make an in-depth biography of you, using advanced Pensieve techniques. I have only written about your first year at Hogwarts so far, and I was wondering if I could continue.
Yours sincerely,
Joanne Rowling.
Sirius: Vomit inducing.
It had been a strange day.