Post by Luigi on Apr 9, 2004 1:15:43 GMT -5
There's extra niceties in here because I had to cushion it to put it on ff.net and even then I'll probably get banndeded
Disclamer— I don’t own any HP characters. I randomly select these fics; don’t take it personally. I know these are against the rules—that’s why I’m doing them. I try hard not to offend anyone—I just insert pop culture references and humble sarcastic remarks. If you are a stupid, oversensitive asshole who thinks that I’m horrible and insulting, even though I’m carefully never insult the fic or the author in these MSTs, and you want to send me death threats, keep in mind that I’m a she. Thank you. But before say “all msterz r eval!111one”, ask yourself, after every comment Remus, Sirius, James or Fred makes, was it offensive? Did it insult? If the answer ever is yes, then you are oversensitive and need to develop some thicker skin.
Let us begin with randomly selected fic, Happy Birthday Hermione, by Mena Baines.
Hermione Granger's foot caught on the end of the covers as she was climbing out of bed. She fell, flat on her face in the middle of her dormitory,
Fred: Come on, guys, let’s point and laugh! All: Ha-ha! Nelson: Ha-ha! Remus: You’re not in Harry Potter—you’re never even in a book! What are you doing here? Nelson: Laughin’ at jerks.
her roommates giggling at her as they shuffled out the door.
" Hemione, you're late getting up-it's the first time I've ever seen this!" exclaimed Janet Footscray, a obnoxiously loud girl who'd shared a room with Hermione since their first year at Hogwart's school for witchcraft and wizardry.
" A real miracle," remarked Janet's friend Clegie, chuckling as she left the room. Hermione stood up woefully, ignoring the other girls as usual. They're only jealous, Hermione thought
Fred: Keep telling yourself that, dear...
as she hurried into the bathroom to get ready for school, because I won the school-wide Spell-Off last week.
James: Since when do we have a school-wide spell-off? Fred: SpellING or Spells? Sirius: What do you think?
Remus: He doesn’t. None of you do. Anyway, Muggles schools have spelling, wizards schools have spell-off. Or, at least, in fanon they do.
Hermione smiled to herself when she remembered the look on defending champion Boris Headriver's face when she'd hit him with a surprise tickling enchantment toward the end of the match.
Sirius: I keep forgetting the spell-off isn’t spelling.
But how could this be? She wondered as she brushed her teeth. I'm never late getting up for school!
James: IT’S THE APOCALYPSE! RUUUUUUUUUNNNNNN!!!!!!!!
Hermione had always prided herself on having an almost perfect internal clock-natural punctuality was one of her many talents. She worried over this a bit as she pulled off her nightgown and folded it neatly into her drawer, picking out a deep purple robe for today that showed off her figure.
Fred: Hermione has a figure?
How silly that I still care what my robes look like on me after all these years, Hermione thought, thinking of Harry and blushing to herself.
She grabbed her wand and went to flip the page on her 365 days of Enchantments calendar before she ran out the door. As this was a perfectly routine thing for her to do (it was a quick and useful way to learn handy enchantments and she never forgot to keep up with the date.), Hermione almost walked out the door without realizing what day it was. But just as she was leaving, she stopped in her tracks, her eyes suddenly wide with horror.
" The thirteenth!" Hermione shouted aloud, pinching her eyes shut.
Sirius: Hermione and her susperit-her supersinti— Remus: Her superstitions. Sirius: Yeah. Er. Hermione and her susperitions...
" The 13th of April already...oh it CAN'T be!" she wailed. Hermione stood in the doorway for a moment, contemplating going back to bed and pulling the covers over her head to hide there for the rest of the day. It was the dreaded thirteenth day of April, 2005. Hermione's seventeenth birthday.
Hermione stomped sulkingly
Remus: ...Is not a word.
into the dining room for breakfast, but of course it was already over, as she had, naturally, gotten up late. She found her friends, Harry Potter and Ron Weasley, gathering up their things to go to class.
" There you are," Harry said once he spotted her. " We were worried-"
" DON'T speak to me today." Hermione said, holding up a hand over her face. " You'll be cursed. Please, Harry-"
" Wha?" Ron said. " Don't be a nutcase, Hermione. Here, I saved you a muffin."
" I don't WANT a muffin-I don't want any food." Hermione said, shoving it away. " It's bound to be poisoned." Ron laughed out loud and ate the muffin himself. " Suit yourself." He said with a mouthful.
Fred: Let’s hope Hermione’s right about the poison.
Harry, on the other hand, looked concerned. It made Hermione's knees weak and she couldn't even look at him. " Hermione," he said carefully, " What are you talking about? What's wrong?"
Sirius: :imitating Hermione:”today, seven house elves died in a tragic muffin-making accident, and thirteen more were injured. Five remained unfound. Savages! How could you eat that muffin knowing— James: We get it.
The tone of his voice made Hermione burst into tears. " It's....my...BIRTHDAY!!" she cried, sobbing into her hands.
James: NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO OOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! WHY?
She knew she was acting like a fool, but she couldn't help it.
" Uh..." Ron stammered. " Happy Birthday?"
" Oh, Hermione, are you mad because we forgot?" Harry said, placing a hand on her back. Hermione stiffened nervously at his touch. " But you never told us!" Harry reminded her. " In all the years we've been at Hogwarts you never mentioned a birthday-at all!"
" I know," Hermione said, weakly, sniffling. " It's because...my birthday...it's....cursed!" she choked out another sob.
" Blimey!" Ron said. " A cursed birthday! The worst kind of hex..."
" I KNOW Ron." Hermione said irritably. " You don't have to remind me." Sirius [imitating Hermione]: One year, I got an 90 on a test, and last year, I was killed! Fred: ...with an AK47.
" Well then we'll just have to try and...enchant your birthday." Harry suggested.
" Oh, Harry don't be RIDICULOUS!" Hermione said. ‘
James: Silly Harry, Trix are for kids.
" A wizard can't enchant or curse a DAY-it just happens naturally. You're either born with a cursed birthday-or you're not."
" Well then mine are cursed too." Harry decided. " I've certainly had some awful ones with the Dursleys..."
Hermione shook her head. " It's not the same." She said. " I can't do ANYTHING right today. It's not what happens to me-it's ME that's cursed!"
" Well, come on, anyway." Ron said. " We've got to get to Herbology or Sprout will have our hides."
" Go without me." Hermione said darkly. " I'll probably fall down the stairs and bring you both down with me."
" Nonsense." Harry said. " We're not going to let you have an awful birthday alone. If you have an awful day, Hermione, then we all will."
Remus: ...Harry really shouldn’t be pushing his luck for more bad luck.
" I don't know, Harry-have you ever been around someone with a cursed birthday before?" Ron asked, eyeing Hermione nervously.
James: He’s been with Voldemort. Sirius: And Remus. Remus: And Sirius. Fred: And he’s been with Cho Chang.
" Sure I have!" Harry said. " We've been with Hermione everyday since we came to Hogwarts and some of those must have been birthdays."
" But Harry-" Hermione protested.
" Come, Hermione, I'm not afraid." Harry said brightly. Of course you aren't, you're the bravest person I know, Hermione thought warmly. But what Harry didn't know was the nature of the curse. The person who the cursed birthday girl most loved was the most susceptible to being injured or hexed while they were around. Years ago, Harry had broken his arm in a Quidditch match on Hermione's birthday, only to have ALL the bones in his arm later removed by the bumbling Professor Lockhart by accident. And last year on her sixteenth birthday, Hermione and Harry had been studying in the library when a huge shelf of books nearly collapsed onto both of them, crushing Harry's best wand. Hermione had always kept her mouth shut before-mostly out of embarrassment-but now she had had enough. She was NOT going to let anything happen to Harry this year-one way or another. James: Harry’s had worse luck than that. Fred: Maybe the wand was crushed the day before he faced YKW for the umpteenth time.
As soon as they got to Herbology 601 Hermione realized with much remorse that she'd brought her Defense Against the Dark Arts textbooks instead of her Herbology ones. She sat between Ron and Harry at their desk, head down, defeated.
" Oh, lighten up, Hermione." Ron said, " It could be worse, you know."
" Don't say it." Hermione warned, her voice muffled against her sleeve.
" You can use my book, if you want." Harry offered.
James :as Harry: I can’t read, anyway.
All I WANT is to get as far away from you as possible,
James: Ditto.
Disclamer— I don’t own any HP characters. I randomly select these fics; don’t take it personally. I know these are against the rules—that’s why I’m doing them. I try hard not to offend anyone—I just insert pop culture references and humble sarcastic remarks. If you are a stupid, oversensitive asshole who thinks that I’m horrible and insulting, even though I’m carefully never insult the fic or the author in these MSTs, and you want to send me death threats, keep in mind that I’m a she. Thank you. But before say “all msterz r eval!111one”, ask yourself, after every comment Remus, Sirius, James or Fred makes, was it offensive? Did it insult? If the answer ever is yes, then you are oversensitive and need to develop some thicker skin.
Let us begin with randomly selected fic, Happy Birthday Hermione, by Mena Baines.
Hermione Granger's foot caught on the end of the covers as she was climbing out of bed. She fell, flat on her face in the middle of her dormitory,
Fred: Come on, guys, let’s point and laugh! All: Ha-ha! Nelson: Ha-ha! Remus: You’re not in Harry Potter—you’re never even in a book! What are you doing here? Nelson: Laughin’ at jerks.
her roommates giggling at her as they shuffled out the door.
" Hemione, you're late getting up-it's the first time I've ever seen this!" exclaimed Janet Footscray, a obnoxiously loud girl who'd shared a room with Hermione since their first year at Hogwart's school for witchcraft and wizardry.
" A real miracle," remarked Janet's friend Clegie, chuckling as she left the room. Hermione stood up woefully, ignoring the other girls as usual. They're only jealous, Hermione thought
Fred: Keep telling yourself that, dear...
as she hurried into the bathroom to get ready for school, because I won the school-wide Spell-Off last week.
James: Since when do we have a school-wide spell-off? Fred: SpellING or Spells? Sirius: What do you think?
Remus: He doesn’t. None of you do. Anyway, Muggles schools have spelling, wizards schools have spell-off. Or, at least, in fanon they do.
Hermione smiled to herself when she remembered the look on defending champion Boris Headriver's face when she'd hit him with a surprise tickling enchantment toward the end of the match.
Sirius: I keep forgetting the spell-off isn’t spelling.
But how could this be? She wondered as she brushed her teeth. I'm never late getting up for school!
James: IT’S THE APOCALYPSE! RUUUUUUUUUNNNNNN!!!!!!!!
Hermione had always prided herself on having an almost perfect internal clock-natural punctuality was one of her many talents. She worried over this a bit as she pulled off her nightgown and folded it neatly into her drawer, picking out a deep purple robe for today that showed off her figure.
Fred: Hermione has a figure?
How silly that I still care what my robes look like on me after all these years, Hermione thought, thinking of Harry and blushing to herself.
She grabbed her wand and went to flip the page on her 365 days of Enchantments calendar before she ran out the door. As this was a perfectly routine thing for her to do (it was a quick and useful way to learn handy enchantments and she never forgot to keep up with the date.), Hermione almost walked out the door without realizing what day it was. But just as she was leaving, she stopped in her tracks, her eyes suddenly wide with horror.
" The thirteenth!" Hermione shouted aloud, pinching her eyes shut.
Sirius: Hermione and her susperit-her supersinti— Remus: Her superstitions. Sirius: Yeah. Er. Hermione and her susperitions...
" The 13th of April already...oh it CAN'T be!" she wailed. Hermione stood in the doorway for a moment, contemplating going back to bed and pulling the covers over her head to hide there for the rest of the day. It was the dreaded thirteenth day of April, 2005. Hermione's seventeenth birthday.
Hermione stomped sulkingly
Remus: ...Is not a word.
into the dining room for breakfast, but of course it was already over, as she had, naturally, gotten up late. She found her friends, Harry Potter and Ron Weasley, gathering up their things to go to class.
" There you are," Harry said once he spotted her. " We were worried-"
" DON'T speak to me today." Hermione said, holding up a hand over her face. " You'll be cursed. Please, Harry-"
" Wha?" Ron said. " Don't be a nutcase, Hermione. Here, I saved you a muffin."
" I don't WANT a muffin-I don't want any food." Hermione said, shoving it away. " It's bound to be poisoned." Ron laughed out loud and ate the muffin himself. " Suit yourself." He said with a mouthful.
Fred: Let’s hope Hermione’s right about the poison.
Harry, on the other hand, looked concerned. It made Hermione's knees weak and she couldn't even look at him. " Hermione," he said carefully, " What are you talking about? What's wrong?"
Sirius: :imitating Hermione:”today, seven house elves died in a tragic muffin-making accident, and thirteen more were injured. Five remained unfound. Savages! How could you eat that muffin knowing— James: We get it.
The tone of his voice made Hermione burst into tears. " It's....my...BIRTHDAY!!" she cried, sobbing into her hands.
James: NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO OOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! WHY?
She knew she was acting like a fool, but she couldn't help it.
" Uh..." Ron stammered. " Happy Birthday?"
" Oh, Hermione, are you mad because we forgot?" Harry said, placing a hand on her back. Hermione stiffened nervously at his touch. " But you never told us!" Harry reminded her. " In all the years we've been at Hogwarts you never mentioned a birthday-at all!"
" I know," Hermione said, weakly, sniffling. " It's because...my birthday...it's....cursed!" she choked out another sob.
" Blimey!" Ron said. " A cursed birthday! The worst kind of hex..."
" I KNOW Ron." Hermione said irritably. " You don't have to remind me." Sirius [imitating Hermione]: One year, I got an 90 on a test, and last year, I was killed! Fred: ...with an AK47.
" Well then we'll just have to try and...enchant your birthday." Harry suggested.
" Oh, Harry don't be RIDICULOUS!" Hermione said. ‘
James: Silly Harry, Trix are for kids.
" A wizard can't enchant or curse a DAY-it just happens naturally. You're either born with a cursed birthday-or you're not."
" Well then mine are cursed too." Harry decided. " I've certainly had some awful ones with the Dursleys..."
Hermione shook her head. " It's not the same." She said. " I can't do ANYTHING right today. It's not what happens to me-it's ME that's cursed!"
" Well, come on, anyway." Ron said. " We've got to get to Herbology or Sprout will have our hides."
" Go without me." Hermione said darkly. " I'll probably fall down the stairs and bring you both down with me."
" Nonsense." Harry said. " We're not going to let you have an awful birthday alone. If you have an awful day, Hermione, then we all will."
Remus: ...Harry really shouldn’t be pushing his luck for more bad luck.
" I don't know, Harry-have you ever been around someone with a cursed birthday before?" Ron asked, eyeing Hermione nervously.
James: He’s been with Voldemort. Sirius: And Remus. Remus: And Sirius. Fred: And he’s been with Cho Chang.
" Sure I have!" Harry said. " We've been with Hermione everyday since we came to Hogwarts and some of those must have been birthdays."
" But Harry-" Hermione protested.
" Come, Hermione, I'm not afraid." Harry said brightly. Of course you aren't, you're the bravest person I know, Hermione thought warmly. But what Harry didn't know was the nature of the curse. The person who the cursed birthday girl most loved was the most susceptible to being injured or hexed while they were around. Years ago, Harry had broken his arm in a Quidditch match on Hermione's birthday, only to have ALL the bones in his arm later removed by the bumbling Professor Lockhart by accident. And last year on her sixteenth birthday, Hermione and Harry had been studying in the library when a huge shelf of books nearly collapsed onto both of them, crushing Harry's best wand. Hermione had always kept her mouth shut before-mostly out of embarrassment-but now she had had enough. She was NOT going to let anything happen to Harry this year-one way or another. James: Harry’s had worse luck than that. Fred: Maybe the wand was crushed the day before he faced YKW for the umpteenth time.
As soon as they got to Herbology 601 Hermione realized with much remorse that she'd brought her Defense Against the Dark Arts textbooks instead of her Herbology ones. She sat between Ron and Harry at their desk, head down, defeated.
" Oh, lighten up, Hermione." Ron said, " It could be worse, you know."
" Don't say it." Hermione warned, her voice muffled against her sleeve.
" You can use my book, if you want." Harry offered.
James :as Harry: I can’t read, anyway.
All I WANT is to get as far away from you as possible,
James: Ditto.