Post by Alice Wilde on Apr 8, 2005 11:46:56 GMT -5
Hey, everyone. You know, the 'OMG OMG LLA IS PREGNANT' thread in MM got me thinking. Whatever happened to that 'e-family' thread? Weren't Dante and Antenora twins on the chart? Didn't I have like...eight kids? How'd that happen?
Because all stories need a chart.
Thus, this was born. I'm rather sorry for the format, but I'm praticing my screenwriting technique. Which means that this going to be terrible. Well...what did you expect from me?
---------------
INT.-FOX STUDIOS-DAY
The cult-classic Your Site Is Under Attack actor T49 hosts Fox’s newest reality show-
WORLD’S MOST ODDEST FAMILIES
(NOTE: Grammatical error intended.)
T49 walks onto the stage, smiling, as an applause track plays in the background. Large TV screens surround him. He looks to the camera, as the entrance music fades.
T49
Hello, America. And, welcome to World’s Most Oddest Families. Today we’ll be visiting the prominent “E” family, who have settled down in an undisclosed castle, probably in the south of England. We were invited there by Alice E, though she was not there to welcome us.
One of the TV screens pops on, showing a spectacular castle. ZOOM IN on TV.
EXT.-“E” MANOR ROAD-DAY
The WMOF camera crew struggles to heave their equipment up the mountain on which the castle is perched. A young woman (AMBER E) sees them
AMBER
What are you doing?
CAMERA MAN
(V.O.)
Are you (pant) part of the family (pant) that lives (pant) up there?
AMBER looks toward her home.
AMBER
Yes. But, what do you want of us?
CAMERA MAN
We were invited...We’re filming a new show about your family.
AMBER
No one informed me about a show. But, if you have an invitation...Grandma Char or one of the Aunts and Uncles should let you in. I think. I don’t know. We had a little bit of a feud this morning...
CAMERA MAN
Thanks, kid. Let’s go, guys.
The CAMERA CREW trudges on. AMBER walks with them.
INT.-“E” MANOR-DAY
The “E” FAMILY is milling around the second floor of the castle. The twins ANTENORA and FFWF are in the media center, reading, and playing on the internet. Their mother KIMIA is in the next room over chatting with her siblings GEORGE, AIMEE, and JAMES.
AIMEE
(hushed)
Ila’s pregnant?
JAMES nods.
JAMES
With Sam’s baby?
KIMIA
M’s Sam? Oh, the poor dear.
GEORGE
Who? Ila or M?
KIMIA
Both, of course.
A door bell rings. The CAMERA CREW has arrived.
J
(V. O., off screen)
Aunt Charlotte! Could you get that?!
CHAR
(On Screen)
[opens the door]
Bonjour.
V49
Mrs. “E”, I assume. Hi, I’m V49, host of that show I was telling you about.
CHAR
You didn’t tell me about any show...
She spots the camera.
CHAR (CONT.)
Oooh...A camera. Come in. Please, come in.
INT.-“E” MANOR PORTRAIT HALL-DAY
CHAR, AMBER, and PANDORA guide the CREW down the hall, stopping at portraits to tell the story of their large, and prominent family.
CHAR (stops)
This was my grandmother, Swans.
T49
(awed)
She’s beautiful.
CHAR
Yes. She was a masterful debater, and very popular with everyone on 667 Dark Avenue. It was there that she found an admirer...Master Kobolos. Of course, she did not return the feelings, and, well. He barbequed her. But, we found out later that she had made quite a lot of money from her art critiquing business, and that is how we bought this castle.
They move to the next painting.
PANDORA
Tyler Quagmire, my great-great-grand uncle. He became a marine biologist, and later on married his favorite goldfish. Very pretty wedding, actually.
T49
Wait. You attended your great-great-grand uncle’s wedding?
PANDORA
I’m older than him actually.
T49
But....
AMBER
It’s a very long story.
Next painting.
CHAR
Freshie. My mother. She’ll be visiting later on today. Her story is really quite tragic actually. She fell in love with a boy...rumored to be my grand uncle Tyler...and had two children, myself, and my sister, Crazy Alice. Then, suddenly, her lover moved. Left her in her castle, all alone.
T49
Poor woman.
PANDORA
That’s Crazy Alice.
PANDORA (CONT.)
She was my mother. For a while. Then, we were friends. And, then there was that party...We got married. She married a lot of her children, actually. And, she was a little bit of a sex addict. She had eight children. One of them was going to be Jesus. I think we had her institutionalized....
ALICE
What are you talking about? I’ve lived in this castle all my life. And, I adopted most of my children...
(endearing music)
PANDORA
(tears)
Momma...? Is it really you? Are you really...home?
EXT-“E” MANOR GARDEN-DAY
DERIK and ASHLEY E are chasing hedgehogs in the garden. ASHLEY randomly hits DERIK with the hedgehog catching net. DERIK returns by hitting her with a Barbie doll. ASHLEY grabs a loose brick from behind a bush, and chucks it at DERIK’s head. DERIK grabs the nearby chainsaw.
DERIK
I’m going to win this time, Ashley
ASHLEY
(blows whistle)
An army of five hundred angry zombie hedgehogs suddenly arise from the ground.
ASHLEY (CONT)
I don’t think so, Derik.
INT.-“E” MANOR MEDIA CENTER-DAY
J, and her twin sister M are sitting behind two computer screens, chatting with their niece, and nephew., ANTENORA and FFWF on MSN messenger.
:CUT TO:
INT.-SECRET CONFESSIONAL VIDEO DIARY-DAY
FFWF
Yes. My family is a little odd. But, I suppose they're better than the mindless jerks I am forced to interact with outside of the castle. I mean, Antenora is nicest, most intelligent, and most attractive sibling a despairing guy like myself could ask for.
T49
(raises eyebrows)
What about your aunts, FFWF?
FFWF
Please. Call me Dante.
:CUT TO:
INT.-“E” MANOR MEDIA CENTER-DAY
J messages DANTE, praising his wit, and hatred for all those unintelligent, and ignorant.
M also messages him, asking him to “please marry her”.
:CUT TO:
INT.-SECRET CONFESSIONAL VIDEO DIARY-DAY
T49
What about your aunts, Dante?
DANTE
They’re very...loving.
(beat)
Like Antenora, almost.
(30 MINUTES LATER)
INT.-SECRET CONFESSIONAL VIDEO DIARY-DAY
ANTENORA
What? Dante said all those nice things about me?
(blushes)
Well, I...I also find him extremely loving, intelligent, kind, and most certainly attractive.
Because all stories need a chart.
Thus, this was born. I'm rather sorry for the format, but I'm praticing my screenwriting technique. Which means that this going to be terrible. Well...what did you expect from me?
---------------
INT.-FOX STUDIOS-DAY
The cult-classic Your Site Is Under Attack actor T49 hosts Fox’s newest reality show-
WORLD’S MOST ODDEST FAMILIES
(NOTE: Grammatical error intended.)
T49 walks onto the stage, smiling, as an applause track plays in the background. Large TV screens surround him. He looks to the camera, as the entrance music fades.
T49
Hello, America. And, welcome to World’s Most Oddest Families. Today we’ll be visiting the prominent “E” family, who have settled down in an undisclosed castle, probably in the south of England. We were invited there by Alice E, though she was not there to welcome us.
One of the TV screens pops on, showing a spectacular castle. ZOOM IN on TV.
EXT.-“E” MANOR ROAD-DAY
The WMOF camera crew struggles to heave their equipment up the mountain on which the castle is perched. A young woman (AMBER E) sees them
AMBER
What are you doing?
CAMERA MAN
(V.O.)
Are you (pant) part of the family (pant) that lives (pant) up there?
AMBER looks toward her home.
AMBER
Yes. But, what do you want of us?
CAMERA MAN
We were invited...We’re filming a new show about your family.
AMBER
No one informed me about a show. But, if you have an invitation...Grandma Char or one of the Aunts and Uncles should let you in. I think. I don’t know. We had a little bit of a feud this morning...
CAMERA MAN
Thanks, kid. Let’s go, guys.
The CAMERA CREW trudges on. AMBER walks with them.
INT.-“E” MANOR-DAY
The “E” FAMILY is milling around the second floor of the castle. The twins ANTENORA and FFWF are in the media center, reading, and playing on the internet. Their mother KIMIA is in the next room over chatting with her siblings GEORGE, AIMEE, and JAMES.
AIMEE
(hushed)
Ila’s pregnant?
JAMES nods.
JAMES
With Sam’s baby?
KIMIA
M’s Sam? Oh, the poor dear.
GEORGE
Who? Ila or M?
KIMIA
Both, of course.
A door bell rings. The CAMERA CREW has arrived.
J
(V. O., off screen)
Aunt Charlotte! Could you get that?!
CHAR
(On Screen)
[opens the door]
Bonjour.
V49
Mrs. “E”, I assume. Hi, I’m V49, host of that show I was telling you about.
CHAR
You didn’t tell me about any show...
She spots the camera.
CHAR (CONT.)
Oooh...A camera. Come in. Please, come in.
INT.-“E” MANOR PORTRAIT HALL-DAY
CHAR, AMBER, and PANDORA guide the CREW down the hall, stopping at portraits to tell the story of their large, and prominent family.
CHAR (stops)
This was my grandmother, Swans.
T49
(awed)
She’s beautiful.
CHAR
Yes. She was a masterful debater, and very popular with everyone on 667 Dark Avenue. It was there that she found an admirer...Master Kobolos. Of course, she did not return the feelings, and, well. He barbequed her. But, we found out later that she had made quite a lot of money from her art critiquing business, and that is how we bought this castle.
They move to the next painting.
PANDORA
Tyler Quagmire, my great-great-grand uncle. He became a marine biologist, and later on married his favorite goldfish. Very pretty wedding, actually.
T49
Wait. You attended your great-great-grand uncle’s wedding?
PANDORA
I’m older than him actually.
T49
But....
AMBER
It’s a very long story.
Next painting.
CHAR
Freshie. My mother. She’ll be visiting later on today. Her story is really quite tragic actually. She fell in love with a boy...rumored to be my grand uncle Tyler...and had two children, myself, and my sister, Crazy Alice. Then, suddenly, her lover moved. Left her in her castle, all alone.
T49
Poor woman.
PANDORA
That’s Crazy Alice.
PANDORA (CONT.)
She was my mother. For a while. Then, we were friends. And, then there was that party...We got married. She married a lot of her children, actually. And, she was a little bit of a sex addict. She had eight children. One of them was going to be Jesus. I think we had her institutionalized....
ALICE
What are you talking about? I’ve lived in this castle all my life. And, I adopted most of my children...
(endearing music)
PANDORA
(tears)
Momma...? Is it really you? Are you really...home?
EXT-“E” MANOR GARDEN-DAY
DERIK and ASHLEY E are chasing hedgehogs in the garden. ASHLEY randomly hits DERIK with the hedgehog catching net. DERIK returns by hitting her with a Barbie doll. ASHLEY grabs a loose brick from behind a bush, and chucks it at DERIK’s head. DERIK grabs the nearby chainsaw.
DERIK
I’m going to win this time, Ashley
ASHLEY
(blows whistle)
An army of five hundred angry zombie hedgehogs suddenly arise from the ground.
ASHLEY (CONT)
I don’t think so, Derik.
INT.-“E” MANOR MEDIA CENTER-DAY
J, and her twin sister M are sitting behind two computer screens, chatting with their niece, and nephew., ANTENORA and FFWF on MSN messenger.
:CUT TO:
INT.-SECRET CONFESSIONAL VIDEO DIARY-DAY
FFWF
Yes. My family is a little odd. But, I suppose they're better than the mindless jerks I am forced to interact with outside of the castle. I mean, Antenora is nicest, most intelligent, and most attractive sibling a despairing guy like myself could ask for.
T49
(raises eyebrows)
What about your aunts, FFWF?
FFWF
Please. Call me Dante.
:CUT TO:
INT.-“E” MANOR MEDIA CENTER-DAY
J messages DANTE, praising his wit, and hatred for all those unintelligent, and ignorant.
M also messages him, asking him to “please marry her”.
:CUT TO:
INT.-SECRET CONFESSIONAL VIDEO DIARY-DAY
T49
What about your aunts, Dante?
DANTE
They’re very...loving.
(beat)
Like Antenora, almost.
(30 MINUTES LATER)
INT.-SECRET CONFESSIONAL VIDEO DIARY-DAY
ANTENORA
What? Dante said all those nice things about me?
(blushes)
Well, I...I also find him extremely loving, intelligent, kind, and most certainly attractive.