It is 13:13 EST on September 13 (not to BSam, though). I now present the thirteenth and final chapter of 667 Dark Apocalypse. It is 6,670 words in total.______________________________________________________________________
Chapter 13: The Author is Dead, Part 1June 22, 2013. It was no exaggeration to say that Alice lived only for that day. It was the last remaining thread connecting her to a miserable, broken world. After the death of Songbird and Adam, Alice plunged into deep depression and suffered from severe psychosis. When the invitation to the meet-up arrived on her lonely doorstep in March, she began to plan. She was mentally unhinged, but had a purpose once again. Finally, after all of the unanswered letters, out of office auto-responses and ignored cries for help, she would achieve some measure of satisfaction. She smiled a grim, calculating smile and packed the things she would need.
***
In the first weeks of Spring, all 667ers received the same invitation as Alice. Tragedy selected Willis Tower as the venue because of its ideal location and view, and as a tribute to Willis, moderator of Menacing Miscellaneous. He knew he had to give the members plenty of notice, because transportation was available sporadically and required extensive planning. The invitation was always received with a high level of excitement. After all, in a post-apocalyptic world, their social calendars were largely unreserved. They had high hopes for the meet-up. Most of them had suffered a difficult winter season. After a year of turmoil and distress, they hoped that meeting their distant comrades would bring happiness into their lives again. It felt like they were headed for the last safe place that summer.
Only a few surviving members would not make it to Chicago. KlausBaudelaire883 was busy trying to finish Part 4 of his World Literature list. Rellim was unwilling to attend, claiming that she wanted to spend more quality time with Dr. Hotdogz. They had recently split up and gotten back together for the eleventh time. PJ was the last living person on the Australian continent after BSam and Shelly left, so he was stranded there and unable to come. cwm went on an expedition to discern the fate of Dante. Although he found Antenora’s home in the second week of June and sent Tragedy an e-mail about Dante and Antenora’s tragic demise, he did not have sufficient time to reach Chicago for the anniversary.
If time would allow, separate chapters could be written about how the 667ers made their way to Chicago in the weeks before June 22. The Team Squad finally found its way across the Mexican border, after Charlotte turned the map the right way up. In classic Team Squad style, they used Virgania Horsen’s Pony Express - a slow but wildly entertaining means of transport. Their progress was slowed significantly because they kept passing Chipotles on the road. On their way back to Willis' home for tea with Mrs. Miller, they made a stop in time to check Pandora's mail and re-route to the meet-up. They played “Would You Rather?” and “Marry, Bop/ff, Kill” on the long journey. Pandora’s brother, Mario Lopez, and Charlotte’s boyfriend (whom she began dating on December 31, 2009) continued on to Minnesota to wait for them.
Triangle Eyes was wandering in the vast wilderness of South Dakota, far from her home mailbox or a usable internet connection. She encountered Shruti on her boring motorcycle travels. Unfortunately for everyone else, Shruti informed her of the gathering. Triangle Eyes had lost her wheelchair in the woods months ago, and was now accustomed to dragging herself on the ground using her elbows. Feeling sorry for her, Shruti slung Triangle Eyes over the back of her motorcycle and strapped her on with poison ivy vines. They began a long drive to New York to pick up J, who was mentally unstable too.
Since Stud School was not in session in June, Gigi, Elle, May, tk and Emma Squalor were able to attend. Tk had joined the school in January after making a trip from Malaysia. Gigi also brought her three children. They were looking forward to meeting Pandora and Sixteen, Gigi’s primary competitors in the infamous Vernacularly Fastened Door competition – the two people responsible for their difficult, neglected childhoods. Gigi and the girls traveled by van, stopping every night to sleep in abandoned mattress stores.
BSam and Shelly had been touring the United States since Songbird's tragic death, trying to erase the terrible images of Adam from their minds. BSam discovered that he really liked America, and was eager to visit Chicago and meet more 667ers. As for Shelly, she had a pleasant time with her faithful guardian and managed to stay sober the entire time. She was looking forward to discussing new songfic ideas with the fanfic girls.
Jenny came to America for the first time on a boat, motherpotatoers. She was accompanied by another 667er from the other side of the Atlantic - Sixteen. It turned out that the reason Sixteen could not be contacted over the past months was that he had been cleansing his soul to make himself completely worthy of Jenny. Specifically, he was ridding himself of his sheep fixation. Over the course of their journey, a beautiful romance blossomed between them, and Jenny finally understood what all the Sixteen-hype was about. Their voyage across the ocean took a few weeks, but they wished it lasted longer. The only intrusion upon their privacy was Jemima, who had escaped Belgium in one piece and joined them at a port in London, excited to meet her friends.
Tragedy left from Maryland, and arrived in Chicago a few days before the anniversary to set things up and make sure the towers were vacant and presentable. He also needed time to disable the elevators of Willis Tower. Although it would inconvenience everyone, he wanted to make the meeting as Snicketish as possible. Swans and Fancy met him in Chicago and helped him by readying the rooms in Trump International Hotel – making beds, cleaning toilets and any other duties you would expect housekeeping to do in a hotel.
***
At daybreak on 667's eleventh anniversary, people converged on the Windy City from all directions. Exactly one year had passed since the fateful gamma ray burst. Once they arrived at Willis Tower and entered at ground level, they found a sign from swans.
“Please leave your luggage behind the reception desk.”
The sign was written in defecation, which pleased Trikip very much. After they deposited their belongings as instructed, everyone had to walk up all 108 floors, Ersatz Elevator-style, since Tragedy had taken the elevators out of commission. This took several hours. One by one, or in small groups, the 667ers finally collapsed onto the wind swept Skydeck. By the time they reached it, they were too sweaty and tired to enjoy the beautiful view and sunny weather. Majid Khaliq, invited to the gathering by Tragedy, played favorites from the Tragic Treasury on his violin while the newcomers shook hands and greeted each other by saying “nm u.” By early afternoon, most of the surviving 667ers had gathered at the top of Willis tower - the highest vantage point in North America.
The worst surroundings in the world can be tolerated if the people in them are interesting and kind. Luckily, the 667ers were able to enjoy a great combination of beautiful surroundings and good companions. Although 667 meet-ups had been the subject of stories in Chaotic Creativity for years, for most people this was the first opportunity to meet other 667ers. A new experience can be extremely pleasurable, or extremely irritating, or somewhere in between, and you never know until you try it out. The members were in for many surprises.
Triangle Eyes was a shell of her former liberal self. Her mind and body had regressed as a result of her months alone in the wilderness. However, environmentalism was still important to the paraplegic, and she spent most of the afternoon crawling around picking up litter and putting it into a recycling bin. There was a lot of mess to clean up because tk kindly served refreshments (fragrant grapes, salmon puffs and False Spring rolls) and manned the bar (aqueous martinis, coconut cordial and parsley soda) as a Volunteer Food Distributor.
JTB showed up late. He had been running around Chicago, trying to find 7 HOT girls to bring to the party with him. He finally gave up when he realized there were only 4 HOT girls left in the city. On his way to Willis Tower, he discovered that all four of them were Democrats, so he showed up at the reunion alone. Hermes was in full fun-police mode, patrolling the Skydeck and making sure everyone was following safety regulations.
Very_Frustrating_Doorknobs and Elle, winners of the 2010 Best Pairing Darkie, quickly discovered that they actually were physically attracted to each other. For the remainder of the gathering, they would be making up for nearly two decades of asexuality. This left Shruti sitting sadly alone in one corner, the only true asexual of Dark Avenue. She "entertained" herself. Quagmire44 showed her Michael J. Fox-Quagmire slideshow to the only person who was too polite to refuse to watch it (Emma Squalor).
As expected, it was a very calm, respectable gathering. You might even call it somber. There were only a few disruptions. One came when Willis threw a couple of salmon puffs at Mijahu for no apparent reason, causing Mijahu to storm downstairs. Luckily, everyone promised to exalt him multiple times next time they logged onto 667, so he came back amid great fanfare and cheers. But when he admitted that he went down to the 107th floor to smoke weed for relief, Libitina burst into tears. She only stopped when May and Dismay promised to bake her cookies. The other disturbance occurred when Euro held her young daughter, Edie Cameronrae, over the railing of the tower, trying to emulate the Rafiki-holding-Simba scene from the Lion King (or Michael Jackson carrying Blanket). Hermes stopped her just in time, and spent an hour trying to reach child services before giving up.
At three o’clock, they were still waiting for the most honored guest of all. If you are expecting someone at a cetain time and they have not shown up, it is difficult to know exactly when to give up an decide they are not coming. But the 667ers were assured that he was on his way. Excitement at his arrival hung over the group like a piñata ready to spill its candy. MasterKlaus247 ran around the deck in circles, unable to contain his excitement. To pass the time, everyone shared stories of the past year. Linda was in the middle of telling the horrific tale of her imprisonment in a Mormon temple when the ding of the elevator (which Tragedy had turned back on just for the final arrival) stopped her in mid-sentence. Majid broke into song, playing “Scream and Run Away,” as a familiar-looking man appeared through the parting doors. He wore a long trenchcoat and a hat with the brim pulled down over his eyes. No one spoke for a long time. They just stared at the newcomer with wide eyes. Keeping his face directed at the ground, he said solemnly, "I didn't realize this was a sad occasion." Applause and cheers broke out, and then the man spoke again and walked forward, now with gusto and theatrical pizzazz.
"Unfortunately, Mr. Snicket is unable to attend this meeting. He died one year ago today, watering his begonias as an inopportune cosmic event wiped out 70% of the human population. I am his legal representative, Daniel Handler." The man removed his hat and trench coat, lifted his face to the star-struck crowd and came forward to meet his fans. He apologized for his lateness. “Well, you know what they say,” said Tragedy. “Better late than never.” Libitina offered Handler a breath mint, which, true to form, he did not refuse. The rest of the afternoon passed quickly in the presence of their literary hero.
***
That evening, everyone left Willis Tower for dinner at the Trump International Hotel, which was the adjacent tower. It took a long time to get down all those stairs because Tragedy switched the elevator off again, and turned off all of the lights so that there was a lot of bumbling around and tripping. In an attempt to lighten the mood, Majid played “This Abyss” as they fumbled down the stairs. By the time they sat down around the huge circular table in the hotel, they were bruised, famished and grumpy. They enjoyed a delicious dinner to compensate for this. The menu was designed by Charlotte and prepared by Cybermystery. They started with cold cucumber soup, and the main course was roast beef. Snicket served the table, dressed in a salmon costume. Before dessert, Daniel Handler stood up and made a toast.
"First, I want to thank you for inviting me to this momentous event. For eleven years, you 667ers have been my most loyal fans. You thank me for bringing happiness to your lives through my writing. In turn, I am obliged to you for your unwavering support. Each of you will be given a full set of the new Snicket series. It was meant to be released in 2012. Now it is my gift to the forum on its eleventh birthday.
Second, I want to share my sympathy. Many of us have lost family and friends. Tragedy has given me a list of 667ers who have passed on: Dante, the greatest Snicket fan who ever lived. Antenora, his beloved. Dear Dairy, a kind soul who dedicated her life to educating the next generation, and whose mission is continued by Gigi and her assistants. Sora, M, Rikku, Akbar, Freshie, Kobolos, Mr. Who, Wasabi, Luis, Dupin, Kate and Ann, newfoundlandtim, Pester, Samreen, Katebad, Tigerclaw, Songbird and her son Adam, are dearly missed. Many others have not been heard from in years.
Third, I want to congratulate you. It must have taken great courage and determination to make it through the year, facing challenges and missing your loved ones. To varying degrees, you have all faced adversity. Like the Baudelaire orphans, you rose to the challenge and most of you kept your integrity and spirit intact.
As Beatrice Baudelaire wrote to my late associate, Lemony Snicket, “It takes years for the land to recuperate from a fire, but even in the darkest of ashes eventually something can grow." I hope there are happier days ahead for us all.
He raised his glass. "To 667."
"To 667,” everyone repeated.
“Somebody bring out the coconut cream cake,” demanded Charlotte.
***
After dinner, they enjoyed some live entertainment. Snicket and Cybermystery did a magic show, Libitina and Trikip played Robotic Chincilla, and Daniel and Majid performed an accordion-violin duet of “When You Play the Violin.” Afterward, Daniel Handler was very tired from his travels, so he went straight to his room on the thirteenth floor to retire while his fans enjoyed the hotel’s facilities. Like all of the other rooms, Handler’s accommodation was exquisitely luxurious. After unpacking his toiletries, he plopped onto the soft bed with a sigh. He chuckled quietly, noticing the stick of gum that had been placed on his pillow by swans. He turned to the mirror by his bed. The tired, woebegone author looked at his reflection, and his tired, woebegone reflection looked back at him. It had been a long day. It had been a painful year. Then he heard quiet rustling from somewhere inside his room.
“What’s that?” he said to himself quietly.
“Nothing,” came a flat, monotone voice in response.
“If there’s nothing out there, then what was that noise?” Daniel shot back.
Turning from the mirror, he saw a dark figure emerge from behind the curtains at the opposite end of the room. His heart began beating very fast. It was impossible to discern the gender of the person, so he or she will henceforth be referred to as “it.” It was wearing a white Snow Scout mask and what appeared to be a hairy black gorilla costume. It had a distinctive aura of menace. The masked person whispered in a soft, crazed voice before Daniel could speak. "Revenge." It pulled out a small, two-shot harpoon gun.
“Revenge? For what? Who are you? If this is a joke, I have serious reservations about your sense of humor. I am very tired, and not in the mood for silliness.”
“This is no joke,” it said, taking aim at Handler’s chest.
As the assassin pulled the trigger, the window behind the masked person shattered. One more 667er joined the reunion in dramatic fashion. It was Ernist, magically given the ability to fly by the crystal skull he had finally discovered in ancient ruins of Peru. He rushed in front of Daniel Handler to protect him. “Not so fast!” he said triumphantly.
The killer was momentarily stunned by this sudden appearance. Then it decided to fire the harpoon anyway. The coldhearted Snow Scout didn’t care how many innocents died on its quest for vengeance. It aimed for Ernist’s heart, but missed and hit the magical object in his hand instead. The crystal skull shattered. Ernist lost his power, and was left vulnerable to attack. With the second shot, the attacker did not miss. Ernist cried out as he was pierced through the lung and collapsed to the floor. He died instantly, leaving his hero unprotected.
Daniel Handler was horrified but tried to keep his voice level. It was bad enough that the Snow Scout Gorilla mystery person had killed his young fan. Worse, the person did not show any signs of remorse – only crazed determination to kill. "I don't know who you are but I'm sure we can talk this over like reasonable people. Besides, it looks like you’ve run out of ammunition."
"TALK THIS OUT? YOU MISSED YOUR CHANCE A LONG TIME AGO! I've lost so much... You could have made it easier to bear but you just made things worse. I NEEDED YOU. Once I kill you, the other 667ers will plunge into sadness and feel the pain I feel.”" shrieked the gorilla-suited person.
“Oftentimes, when people are miserable, they will want to make other people miserable, too. But it never helps,” said Daniel Handler wisely.
“You’re just quoting The Wide Window. You are a useless man and I hate you. I can’t believe I ever idolized you.”
"Whoever you are, you can't rationally blame me for your troubles. I don’t recognize your voice. I’m quite sure I don’t know you. Besides, I've suffered too. I lost my son, Otto. My wife, Lisa. Put the gun down. Reveal your identity so we can settle this in a respectable manner. Why don’t we discuss this over a root beet float?"
“MEMENTO MORI,” it said. Tossing the empty harpoon gun aside, the killer unsheathed a long, jagged knife from its belt. "This is my knife. It is very sharp and very eager to hurt you!" it cackled mockingly. Before Handler had a chance react, it stabbed the author viciously through the heart, and he crumpled to the floor, gasping in pain. The Snow Scout Gorilla put the knife back in its casing, spit on Daniel Handler’s contorting body and escaped through the broken window. It knew that soon the room would be filled with its fellow 667ers, and it did not plan on getting caught.
MasterKlaus247 rushed through the door. His room was across the hall. He heard the screams of pain and was the first 667er to arrive at the scene of the crime. He knelt down by his fallen hero and held Daniel’s hand.
“HELP! SOMEBODY HELP!” he yelled over his shoulder through the open door, before turning back to dying idol. “Who did this to you?" MasterKlaus squeaked. Daniel Handler shook his head. His life was fading, and he did not know why or by whose hand.
"Mr. Handler, please don't die," MasterKlaus sobbed. "You are my hero. We need you."
Daniel Handler look around the room, which was filling with his distraught, wide-eyed fans. With his final, sputtering breath, Daniel Handler looked into MasterKlaus's eyes reassuringly and whispered, "The world is quiet here."
______________________________________________________________________
The author is dead. But who murdered him? Find out in Part Two of Chapter 13.