Post by Terry Craig on Dec 24, 2012 8:18:08 GMT -5
Greetings, dear 667ers, and a merry Christmas Eve! To commemorate this joyful birthday of Jesus Christ, everyone's least favourite character of them all decided to say a few words and play a few old holiday classics to warm your heart...
WARNING: STRONG LANGUAGE!!1!
"Ho-ho-ho... and a bottle o' rum! Happy Chrissmis Eve to you all! Right! It's your favourite, red-cheeked, whiskey-breathed bast*rd f***cker of a Santa once again: moi. Lemmy Snicket. King of Rock'n'f****ckin'roll and Chrissmis! And the latter is once again just outside the door. Also, outside of mine there's already two feet of snow, still tender snowflakes falling, and the frozen corpse of Jack Nicholson, who kept buggin' me with an axe, so I threw the f***er out. There's the smell of cinnamon, candles, pine, and mary jane in the air... and you may be busy with all the Xmas jazz, a phrase which here means "singing carols, hanging Xmas lights, eating special Xmas cookies, stuffing birds, and cracking nuts." (Whether you're still packin' or already enjoyin' yer Xmas presents depends on whatcha traditions and where you are, buddy.) Or you're just sittin' back, watchin' some Xmas classics with the whole family, like "The Muppet's Chrissmis Carol," "It's a Wonderful Life," "Die Hard," "Black Chrissmis" ('at's a good one), or "Silent Night, Deadly Night," and drinkin' lotsa eggnog. In the time zone I am it's already evening, and I myself've got plans, that are starting to take shape, involving vestal virgins, flagons of wine, grapes unlimited, me on the throne and laurel wreaths on my sozzly head... kind of a Caligula themed Xmas, y'know?
Well whatever it is you do on this wholesome day, I hope that right now you're sittin' comfy infront of yer computer. Maybe ya also got, like me, a coazy, warm, lit fireplace beside you, a bowl of tasty peyote crackers, and a hot steamin' cup of chocolate with mescaline in it. Whoa, those dancing demons in my fireplace just turned into lizards... gnarly. Anyway. Lemmy play a handful of ol' favourite Chrissmis songs, selected by me especially for you, kids. So, boys and girls, hermaphrodites... sit back, relax, or just rock out with your c*ck out while I play these holiday classics for ya. Right. Let's get started, shall we. [ed. note: Click on the titles to listen to each song]
Now David may have had a crazy career, but I think that's one of Bowie's most far out career moves ever. Performing glam rock songs like "Queen B*tch" and singing about spiders from Mars as alter ego Ziggy Stardust, and then, y'know, singin' Chrissmis carols with Bing f***ing Crosby. F***in' brillant.
Right. Time for some f***in' Sex Pistols. These punks were such fans of this holiday that they apparently also covered Jingle Bells...
Alright, compared to his other songs, this one's quite rubbish, I know that. But who can blame ol' Dylan takin' the p*ss and enjoying himself. It's cheery enough to get the whole crew with ya dancin' and we're example number one here at my place right now. [ed. note: if the video doesn't work in your region, try here]
Yes, Jack and his little sister Meg regaled us with a holiday song, and an awesome one at that. So why not also check out another short one with drummer Meg on vocals.
Okay, so you may 'ave been wonderin' why I called myself the king o' Chrissmis earlier. Or why I was chosen to talk to you on this special day of the year. I'm glad you asked, I'll tell ya exactly why: I was born on Chrissmis, 1945. That's right, motherf***ers! Today's Lemmy's birthday, go ahead and look it up on Wikipedia or something. I was born the saviour of Rock'n'roll, baby, and I'm 67 and still savin' it! Har har har! So you better have said nicely "Happy Birthday Lemmy" by now.
What, these Pistol f***ckers again? Boy, they sure do love themselves some Chrissmis, don't they. And Thin Lizzy's just pure Irish awesomeness. Phil Lynott's one of my favourite frontmen. And he plays bass just like me. And the two bands together are what? Thin Pistols? Thin Sex? Sex Lizzy? Well you get the idea.
So good ol' Tom starts out for a couple seconds with a standard Silent Night, but then goes into an outstanding performance of his great, romantic and comically tragic "Chrissmis Card from a 'ooker in Minneapolis." It's always nice to get mail for holidays...
Some more Irishness 'ere. Now that's just one of the most beautiful f***in' Chrissmis songs in any way ever. A modern classic. Quite the tearjerker actually. And Mr. Shane McGowan here's the only person on earth able to outdrink me. That demands some f***in' respect.
Okay, here's Beaver and Asshat mostly just f***in' around. But after they share their thoughts on "Jingle Balls" and "The Buttcracker," at 2:30 they start an awesome Black-Sabbath-/Ozzy-Osborne-esque version of "Dance of the Sugarplum Fairy." And, y'know... the rest of their jokes are also pretty f***in' hilarious.
Xmas Iron-Maiden-style. Ridiculous? Yes. But funny? Yes. And catchy? F***yes.
Each member even took the time to record a merry Xmas to you. Fun fact: Iron Maiden was formed on Chrissmis ('75)!
Finally a song also sorta fitting to this forum, eh? Yeah, but Stephin Merritt's just pretty awesome in any case.
F***in' love these two. "Gabba gabba hey gabba hey hey!"
I encourage you to take a moment and consider the true meaning of Chrissmis (aside from my birthday).
[ed. note: If this one doesn't work in your region, try here.]
Ahh, now wasn't that wonderful? Really hits the Xmas spot.
Y'know, a lot's 'appened this year. We've had so many ups and downs over the last year. If you look at what's 'appened: Hurricane Sandy rampaging; Rodney King, Ray Bradbury, and Neil Armstrong kickin' the bucket; more music by the likes of Katy Perry and Justin Beiber; and another, if last, Twilight film. But it's not all bad news, y'know... oh no, no, no. On the bright side of things, my relative Lemony has released a new book of his, Jack White's brought out a new album, and Mitt Romney didn't get elected. And least of all we survived the supposed godda*mn end of the world just three days ago, and we've still got a few days left until the end of the year. But 'owever the real apocalypse's goin'a 'appen, I'm sure it won't be nearly as bad as having to sit through that three hour f***in' long disaster of a movie, "2012." And 'owever the Four Horsemen of the Apocalypse will look like, they'll be at least not as tiresome to watch as John Cusack making a stupid face for three hours.
Right. Well I've got roofs to raise and raises to roof and still a handful of, er, "Xmas presents" to unwrap. A word which here means "virgins wrapped in Christmas bows." So, until then, fellas. Hail Santa and a joyous white Chrissmis!!"
And with that, Lemmy Snicket proceeded to snort a couple lines of coke off a prostitute. They don't call him "The White Nosed Reindeer" for nothing! Ha ha! You just never know what kooky hijinks that ol' Lemmy will be up to next. Well, probably something to do with that prostitute lady. So anyway, I hope y'all enjoyed these lovely tunes and rock-n-rolled out. I know I did! Oh, and I hope no one got offended by all these... words. Because, c'mon', that's what they are, they're just words. Don't take 'em so seriously.
And now continue having a cool yule, or just a beautiful holiday whatever your religious persuasions are, wherever you are.
With all due respect,
Sir Terry Alphonse McCraig