A Series of Angsty Events
Jan 17, 2017 19:16:40 GMT -5
Linda Rhaldeen, Poe's Coats Host Toast, and 4 more like this
Post by Reba on Jan 17, 2017 19:16:40 GMT -5
once upon a time there was a rich hipster couple, Bertrand and Beatrice Baudelaire. they had three children and they gave them quirky, post-ironic names like Violet, Klaus, and Sunny. violet and klaus grew up in a privileged environment where they never had to do any chores and they were never punished for anything because their hipster mom and dad subscribed to a progressive parenting strategy. violet and klaus were teenagers. sunny was still a baby.
one morning the baudelaire kids were really moody for some reason so they stormed out of the house and went off to briny beach. they were just sulking on the beach when suddenly Mr. Poe, the banker, appeared. he coughed awkwardly but the children still wouldn't give him their attention. finally he said, "children, i have some important news."
klaus looked over at him and rolled his eyes. "piss off, old man," said klaus. "why are you talking to some kids alone on the beach anyway, you pedophile."
Mr. Poe blushed and stuttered, "now, why would you say something like--"
"you're still here?" violet interrupted. "what part of piss off don't you understand, gramps? smfh."
tears welled in Mr. Poe's eyes and he burst out, "your parents have perished in a terrible fire! that's why i came down here. i'm so sorry."
violet and klaus were silent for a moment. then they looked at each other. "so, do we like get all their money?" asked violet.
Mr. Poe was confused by the heartless reaction from those asshole teens. eventually he said, "well, yes, when violet comes of age, you will--"
"uuuuuugh," violet groaned. "just give it to me now. i HATE being a teenager. i HATE life. i HATE it. what a bad beginning."
the baudelaires were sent to live with their distant relative, Count Olaf. he had never cared for children before and wasn't ready to deal with some angsty teenagers. he tried to take their minds off the fact that they were orphans by inviting all his friends to a big dinner. he didn't really know how to cook, but he worked hard on a pasta recipe for everyone. but when it was served, klaus said, "mom and dad always had servants to make dinner. i want roast beef or something, not this wussy food."
"and your friends are all super old and they smell like turd," said violet. "gimpy over here doesn't even have hands, that's disgusting."
then the baudelaires raided the kitchen pantry for junk food and stormed off to their room upstairs. the hook-handed man held back tears until they had gone. "it's okay, fernald, they didn't mean it," said count olaf reassuringly, patting a hook. "they're just in an emotional time in their lives. i'm sure they don't know you can't afford more advanced prosthetics."
count olaf went up to the children's room. the baudelaires were sulking in a corner. "hey, kiddos," said count olaf. "i'm sorry you don't like my friends, but they mean well. in fact, i know just what will cheer you up. you can get to know me and my friends better by taking part in a play that i'm starring in. it's called the Marvelous Marriage. i play the groom. would you guys be in it?"
"yeah, i bet violet wants to be the bride," said klaus, sniggering.
"shut up klaus," shouted violet.
"hey, c'mon, klaus, that's really inappropriate," said olaf. "no, i was thinking you guys could be bystanders or camels."
"i bet you would like it if i was the bride, you ugly old perv," said violet.
olaf sighed and left the room. when he got back downstairs, he saw that all his friends had left. no one even touched the pasta either. he was so lonely. in the middle of the night he crept back in the baudelaires' room and looked upon their sleeping faces, trying to imagine them as good kids at heart. he even ventured to pick up sunny and cradle her, but she woke up suddenly and started wailing. violet and klaus woke up and screamed at olaf for being a sick child molester.
the next morning the baudelaires went to the bank and told Mr. Poe that olaf was abusing them. Mr. Poe was outraged. he took the baudelaires out of olaf's care and sent them to an orphanage, where the baudelaires were bullied for being rich kids.
THE END
one morning the baudelaire kids were really moody for some reason so they stormed out of the house and went off to briny beach. they were just sulking on the beach when suddenly Mr. Poe, the banker, appeared. he coughed awkwardly but the children still wouldn't give him their attention. finally he said, "children, i have some important news."
klaus looked over at him and rolled his eyes. "piss off, old man," said klaus. "why are you talking to some kids alone on the beach anyway, you pedophile."
Mr. Poe blushed and stuttered, "now, why would you say something like--"
"you're still here?" violet interrupted. "what part of piss off don't you understand, gramps? smfh."
tears welled in Mr. Poe's eyes and he burst out, "your parents have perished in a terrible fire! that's why i came down here. i'm so sorry."
violet and klaus were silent for a moment. then they looked at each other. "so, do we like get all their money?" asked violet.
Mr. Poe was confused by the heartless reaction from those asshole teens. eventually he said, "well, yes, when violet comes of age, you will--"
"uuuuuugh," violet groaned. "just give it to me now. i HATE being a teenager. i HATE life. i HATE it. what a bad beginning."
the baudelaires were sent to live with their distant relative, Count Olaf. he had never cared for children before and wasn't ready to deal with some angsty teenagers. he tried to take their minds off the fact that they were orphans by inviting all his friends to a big dinner. he didn't really know how to cook, but he worked hard on a pasta recipe for everyone. but when it was served, klaus said, "mom and dad always had servants to make dinner. i want roast beef or something, not this wussy food."
"and your friends are all super old and they smell like turd," said violet. "gimpy over here doesn't even have hands, that's disgusting."
then the baudelaires raided the kitchen pantry for junk food and stormed off to their room upstairs. the hook-handed man held back tears until they had gone. "it's okay, fernald, they didn't mean it," said count olaf reassuringly, patting a hook. "they're just in an emotional time in their lives. i'm sure they don't know you can't afford more advanced prosthetics."
count olaf went up to the children's room. the baudelaires were sulking in a corner. "hey, kiddos," said count olaf. "i'm sorry you don't like my friends, but they mean well. in fact, i know just what will cheer you up. you can get to know me and my friends better by taking part in a play that i'm starring in. it's called the Marvelous Marriage. i play the groom. would you guys be in it?"
"yeah, i bet violet wants to be the bride," said klaus, sniggering.
"shut up klaus," shouted violet.
"hey, c'mon, klaus, that's really inappropriate," said olaf. "no, i was thinking you guys could be bystanders or camels."
"i bet you would like it if i was the bride, you ugly old perv," said violet.
olaf sighed and left the room. when he got back downstairs, he saw that all his friends had left. no one even touched the pasta either. he was so lonely. in the middle of the night he crept back in the baudelaires' room and looked upon their sleeping faces, trying to imagine them as good kids at heart. he even ventured to pick up sunny and cradle her, but she woke up suddenly and started wailing. violet and klaus woke up and screamed at olaf for being a sick child molester.
the next morning the baudelaires went to the bank and told Mr. Poe that olaf was abusing them. Mr. Poe was outraged. he took the baudelaires out of olaf's care and sent them to an orphanage, where the baudelaires were bullied for being rich kids.
THE END