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Post by Foxy on Oct 13, 2018 9:03:03 GMT -5
Dear Reader,
Gavu?
Love,
Sunny Baudelaire
To Mommy –
When we met, my life began
Because you gave birth to me.
Dear Dairy,
Mr. Poe took us to a very dark street and told us he had some very good news for us. “Gavu?” I asked, which meant, “You’re taking us out for ice cream?” But it turns out Mr. Poe just got a promotion. I guess that is good news, since I invested all the money I earned as a secretary with him.
And guess who got hired as a doorman? Hooky! I am glad he is turning his life around and has given up his life of crime. He told us about “in” and “out,” and he said we couldn’t ride the elevator because it was out. We would have to take the stairs instead. “Pinse!” I said, which meant, “Thanks for showing us the staircase, Hooky. It’s good to see you!”
Mr. Poe said he had to go search for the Quackmires. “Obog,” I said, which meant, “I think you should stick to banking.”
Now we have started climbing the stairs to the Squalor’s apartment. Good thing my arms and legs are super-strong from all the track practices Count Olaf made us attend.
[This section of The Sunny Baudelaire Diaries correlates with Chapter 1 of The Ersatz Elevator.]
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Post by Dante on Oct 13, 2018 10:52:21 GMT -5
Brilliant riff on the dedication; it almost works better than the original. It'll be fun to see a version of TEE where the protagonist notices the doorman's true identity from the very beginning.
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Post by Foxy on Oct 14, 2018 21:24:12 GMT -5
Dear Dairy, We heard a lot of interesting things as we climbed the stairs. Violet and Klaus talked about what they hope people hear when they walk past our apartment. “Crife!” I said, which meant, “ Nobody will walk past our apartment; we live on the top floor!” Violet and Klaus remembered a time when Mommy and Daddy ran in a race, and how Aunt Josephine would have liked salad. Once Violet mentioned Aunt Josephine, I remembered something Roger the crab had said about his cousins when we were still at Prufrock Prep. “ Pomres,” I said, which meant, “Hey, wait a minute. I think Aunt Josephine might still be alive.” Violet and Klaus wondered what the Squalors would be like. “Akrofil,” I said, which meant, “If they are wealthy, maybe we will get to eat fancy cheeses.” I’ve really been looking to broaden my horizons in the flavor department. We finally made it to the penthouse, and Dairy, the Squalors are crazy. Esmé is obsessed with what is in and out, and Jerome just goes along with whatever Esmé says. Jerome said the doorman was told to keep Count Olaf out. I imagine it will be awkward for Hooky to tell his former employer he is not allowed in our building. Then Esmé got a phone call saying light is in. It’s a good thing, too, because babies should not be allowed to play near candles. [This section of The Sunny Baudelaire Diaries correlates with Chapter 2 of The Ersatz Elevator.]
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Post by Dante on Oct 15, 2018 2:18:04 GMT -5
You do a good job supporting your chapters with extra characterisation, foreshadowing, and even subplots based on fan speculation.
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Post by Foxy on Oct 15, 2018 7:11:25 GMT -5
Thank you!
Dear Dairy,
We got to visit the hospital where I was born. I remember the third floor, which was the floor where babies get delivered. The nurses were all still the same, and they talked about how big I have gotten since I was born. They still had the scary man who makes balloon animals, too. I do not understand why anyone would want a balloon animal. When you bite them, they make a loud noise and get rubber pieces in your mouth.
The penthouse is enormous. One day, I found a delightful fire place. I chewed and chewed on its stones, but the next day I could not find it. Jerome gave me some toys, but they are all too soft to bite. I bit a hole in one of my brightly colored pillows, and I wound up getting feathers everywhere, including on myself. Then I looked at a picture hanging on the wall and saw a scary chicken with four sharp teeth looking right at me! I had Klaus take the picture down because it scared me, and he said it was something called a “mirror.” I don’t get it.
One day Esmé told us about the In Auction, which she said is “smashing.” “Smashi?” I asked, which meant, “I enjoy smashing things. Can I come to the In Auction?” But Klaus told me “smashing” just means fabulous.
Esmé got us gifts. “Oh,” I said as I tore open my gift with my teeth like a lion eats its prey. I meant, “What is this? It feels soft.” And it was soft. It was clothes.
Jerome said I was supposed to get a large bronze square. “Ayjim,” I said to Esmé, which meant, “This is worse than the rattle Aunt Josephine got me.” I know I am supposed to be polite, but I think Mommy would be okay with me being rude to Esmé.
We went to change into our new clothes. “Puictiw,” I said, which meant, “Do you smell that?”
Violet and Klaus kept talking. “Chittol,” I said, which meant, “It smells like sweat.”
We went to put on our clothes, and when I came out, I saw someone coming down the hall. “Mmphmm!” I shrieked from beneath my pinstripes, which meant, “That must be Gunther. He smells rather horrendous!”
Violet and Klaus didn’t understand me. And as Gunther got closer, I realized the horrible truth. “Nnphnn!” I interrupted Violet as she was talking, and finally Violet and Klaus saw what I saw as I was trying to say, “No wonder Gunther smells dreadful. He is actually Count Olaf.”
[This section of The Sunny Baudelaire Diaries correlates with Chapter 3 of The Ersatz Elevator.]
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Post by Dante on Oct 15, 2018 15:53:02 GMT -5
Good depth on the visit to the hospital where Sunny was born, and the elaboration on Sunny's personal experience of the penthouse is strong, too.
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Post by Foxy on Oct 16, 2018 6:38:16 GMT -5
Dear Dairy,
Guntlaf stood over us, wearing horse-riding boots. Violet, Klaus, and I were very surprised. I was so surprised I could not finish saying, “Bikayado?” which meant, “How would you even ride a horse?” Horses have very sensitive smell, and the horse would probably pass out from Guntlaf’s stench.
Jerome and Esmé came out of another door, and we tried to tell them who Guntlaf really was. “Waran!” I shrieked, which meant, “It’s Guntlaf’s fault I was separated from my best reptile friend!” I made a mental note to try to look up Viper’s phone number now that we were in the city. I think I overheard the nurses at the hospital saying he has opened his own private practice to treat individuals who have been poisoned by various animals and villains, so he might be listed in the yellow pages.
Esmé did not believe us. She went away with Guntlaf, and Jerome was supposed to take us to a restaurant. “Resyca!” I shrieked, which meant, “You shouldn’t leave your wife alone in your apartment with another man, even if he does have questionable hygiene!”
Jerome had us slide down the banister, which was particularly challenging for me, as babies do not have very good balance, but it was a thrill! Now we are off to the restaurant! I hope they have roasted beets as an appetizer.
[This section of The Sunny Baudelaire Diaries correlates with Chapter 4 of The Ersatz Elevator.]
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Post by Foxy on Oct 17, 2018 8:06:01 GMT -5
Dear Dairy,
Café Salmonella is even worse than the Anxious Clown. All our food was soft and fishy. The theme was atrocious, and the waiters had terrible costumes. Not one of them realized this was a sad occasion. I made a mental note to put “Restaurant Critic” on my list of potential career choices.
Jerome said we should not be afraid of Guntlaf because he was a foreigner, and he asked me if I would be afraid of a mountain lion. “Netesh,” I said, which meant, “Daddy once told me he trained mountain lions to smell smoke.” Daddy showed me pictures of himself with the lions. They were wearing brightly colored coats and looked very important. I remember Daddy telling me how important the lions were because they helped put out fires. Too bad those lions didn’t live in our mansion. Maybe they could have put out the fire.
Jerome said Hooky would keep Guntlaf out, but I guess Hooky is about as good as any other adult at seeing through Guntlaf’s disguises.
When we got back to our apartment building, Hooky told us we couldn’t go up to the penthouse until Guntlaf came down. Now the lobby is covered in sand. I despise sand. It always sticks to my hands and winds up in my mouth.
Jerome carried me up the stairs when I got tired, and it reminded me of when Daddy would carry me up the stairs to my crib at bedtime. But when we got to the penthouse, Esmé said Guntlaf had left a long time ago. Klaus asked if he took the elevator, and Esmé seemed very, very surprised Klaus would ask such a thing.
Then it was time for bed. I cannot sleep. Where is Guntlaf?
[This section of The Sunny Baudelaire Diaries correlates with Chapter 5 of The Ersatz Elevator.]
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Post by Dante on Oct 17, 2018 15:44:09 GMT -5
"Not one of them realized this was a sad occasion" is a good riff on a familiar line; and it was clever of you to make that link between Jerome's mention of mountain lion and things we learn about them later. Sunny's memory of her father carrying her to her crib is a touching moment, and reminds us of those few moments where Jerome showed he might have been a good guardian, if he only had the backbone.
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Post by Foxy on Oct 18, 2018 8:52:18 GMT -5
Dear Dairy,
This morning I got Klaus and we went to Violet’s room. “Tageb,” I said, which meant, “Esmé looked mysteriously flabbergasted when Klaus asked her about the elevator last night.” Violet and Klaus talked, and Violet lifted me up so I could sit on her lap. Violet’s work bench was nice and hard, so I finally had something on which to gnaw! “Nolano?” I asked, which meant, “Do you think work benches come in chocolate flavor?” Violet said she didn’t think so.
Jerome came in with breakfast for us, and said Esmé had a meeting with the King of Arizona. “Knilliu!” I shrieked, which meant, “Arizona has a governor, not a king!”
Esmé came in and told Jerome he had to go buy parsley soda. After they left, I said, “Vinfrey,” which meant, “Oprah might have a good recipe with parsley in it.” Violet and Klaus kept talking. “Koundix,” I said, which meant, “It’s going to be a lot of work separating the parsley from the soda.” I don’t understand why the companies are manufacturing parsley in the soda. Maybe it keeps the parsley fresh? Klaus said he was scared. “Ecrif!” I said, which meant, “Just because a food sounds disgusting doesn’t mean you should be afraid of it!” I guess I will have to teach Klaus to be more adventurous in his eating habits.
And speaking of eating habits, I noticed the breakfast toast Jerome had brought us. I do not especially enjoy toast. I thought of a story Mommy read me once which we both found particularly dull. It was about two dim-witted children who used bread crumbs so they would not get lost in the woods. Mommy and I both agreed a ravenous bear would probably find the crumbs and try to eat the children. “Hansel!” I said, which meant, “You should not take food into the woods where there might be wild animals!” Violet and Klaus did not understand me. “Gretel!” I said, which meant, “Also, it is very impolite to eat someone else’s house, even if it is made of dessert!”
Violet and Klaus decided we would use the toast Jerome made us to leave a trail throughout the penthouse. “Blized,” I said, which meant, “That’s a good idea. I’m glad you two thought of something.”
We searched the entire penthouse, but Guntlaf was nowhere to be found. Violet suggested one of the apartments might belong to someone in Guntlaf’s theater troupe, like Hooky. “Co,” I reminded Violet, which meant, “But Hooky is on the straight and narrow now and works as the doorman.”
Violet said we were going to listen at everyone’s apartments to find Guntlaf. “Lorigo!” I shrieked, which meant, “I love eavesdropping!” That was how I found out what Mommy and Daddy were getting me for Christmas last year.
Before we left, we needed to make some preparations. “Snack!” I shrieked, which meant, “We should bring some cruciferous vegetables with us!” We ended up finding grapes, crackers, and apple butter. This was more food than we ever had for lunch when we worked at the lumber mill. “Philaven,” I said, which meant, “I wonder if Phil ever found a better job.”
We listened carefully at each apartment door. In one of the apartments, we heard a man tell his mother he was going to take a shower.”Mineak,” I whispered, which meant, “Guntlaf would never take a shower. He’s filthy.”
At the end of the stairs, Violet said our efforts were fruitless. “Grape,” I reminded her, which meant, “Grapes are a fruit.” But apparently “fruitless” does not mean “without fruit.”
We talked about how we hadn’t heard Guntlaf. “Bishuy,” I said, which meant, “I wish I still had my spy equipment. Then I could find Guntlaf and discover what the Squalors are getting me for Christmas.”
Hooky came over with a starfish and a bottle of glue. He said we could not go back upstairs because Guntlaf still had not left. Then he glued the starfish to the elevator door. Now we are waiting for the Squalors to come home so we can go back to the penthouse.
[This section of The Sunny Baudelaire Diaries correlates with Chapter 6 of The Ersatz Elevator.]
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Post by Dante on Oct 18, 2018 11:00:06 GMT -5
I like the intertextual dramatic irony that exists between this fic and the original text of the siblings each thinking that using breadcrumbs to keep track around the penthouse is the other's idea.
It's funny how, in some respects, TEE really does work better if we pretend Fernald is just moonlighting as a doorman on the side and really doesn't know what Olaf and Esmé are planning.
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Post by Foxy on Oct 19, 2018 8:17:43 GMT -5
Dear Dairy,
We ate our snacks as we sat at the bottom of the staircase and waited for Jerome and Esmé to come home. Klaus was not paying attention when I asked him, “Topoing?” which meant, “Do you think sprinkles would taste good on these crackers?”
At last Jerome and Esmé finally returned. “Tretchev!” I shrieked, which meant, “Where did you have to go for that parsley soda, Russia?”
Esmé ordered Hooky around like she was his boss and said he had to let us go back upstairs. It was almost as if they knew each other. Then she said I would not be very helpful because I am a baby, but she didn’t even help carry the parsley soda. All she did was go on and on about things which the King of Arizona told her were “in,” eventually mentioning sprinkles.
Klaus asked to be excused so we could go to sleep, and we went to Violet’s room. “Stiblo!” I cried, which meant, “I change my mind about wanting sprinkles as a cracker topping.” If Esmé likes them, they must be bad.
Klaus and Violet started talking about elevators. “Freijip?” I asked, which meant, “Does anyone else think it is suspicious that Esmé met with a person who does not exist?”
Klaus and Violet kept talking about elevators, so I decided to join in their conversation. “Yelliverc!” I said, which meant, “When you jump while an elevator is going down, you feel like you are flying!”
While Violet and Klaus kept talking, I laid down on Violet’s work bench. But I forgot I had borrowed some silverware from the Squalor’s third kitchen because it was made of a particularly hard metal, and a fork poked me in the side. “Middiow?” I asked, which meant, “Do either of you know where I could hide some loot?” Violet and Klaus were talking about an empty elevator shaft. “Aha!” I cried, which meant, “That would be the perfect place to hide the things I steal – I mean – borrow!”
Violet, Klaus, and I snuck out of the penthouse to the elevators so I could stash my silverware in the pretend elevator. I looked at the two elevators. One of them had an up arrow, and I pointed at it. Violet pushed it for me. “Lakry,” I said, which meant, “There is a floor above the penthouse.” I pondered this for a long time until finally I said, “Prollit,” which meant, “We need to ask Jerome more about how he knew our parents.”
Violet and Klaus said we were going down the elevator shaft, so we needed to find some rope. I found a bunch of Jerome’s ties and came back with them. “Armani,” I said, which meant, “Jerome spends too much on his clothing.”
Violet said we had to go down the tunnel because of the Quackmires. “Bangemp,” I said, which meant, “Quack twice if you can hear me, Quackmires.” But we were too high up for Duncan and Isadora to hear me.
We tied extension cords, curtains pulls, and neckties together and made a long rope. Klaus asked if we were ready. “No,” I answered, which meant, “I really think we should be going up, not down.” But we climbed all the way down the dark elevator shaft, and now we are at the bottom with Duncan and Isadora Quackmire. I think Guntlaf’s bad hygiene is wearing off on them, because they look quite dirty.
[This section of The Sunny Baudelaire Diaries correlates with Chapter 7 of The Ersatz Elevator.]
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Post by Dante on Oct 19, 2018 10:48:36 GMT -5
I like how there's a kind of shadow narrative sometimes in TSBD, where the same events happen as in canon, but for what appear to be different reasons.
I have always wondered why the Baudelaires and Quagmires couldn't just continue talking in echoes while the Baudelaires climbed back up the elevator shaft. Being too high up is half an explanation, I suppose.
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Post by Foxy on Oct 20, 2018 9:46:45 GMT -5
Dear Dairy,
The Quackmires thought they were hallucinating seeing us, and I understood why. It was profusely dark at the bottom of the elevator shaft. “Sunny!” I said, which meant, “This place could use a window or two to let the light in!”
Violet started trying to invent something to break the Quackmires out of their cage. “Aguen?” I asked, which meant, “Would a butter knife help?”
Violet said we had to go back up the elevator shaft, and to start climbing. “Onosew,” I said, which meant, “Good thing I have incredible up-body strength.”
As we climbed, Violet told Klaus and me we needed to search for long, slender objects made of iron. “Agoula?” I asked, which meant, “Can’t we have breakfast first?”
Violet said she was going to melt through Duncan and Isadora’s cage, and to meet her in the kitchen closest to the front door. “Selrep,” I said, which meant, “That’s the one with the bright orange carrots.”
Once we reached the top of the elevator shaft, Klaus and I searched the penthouse for long, slender objects made of iron. I started crawling through the halls. First I found a kitchen with a large pantry, where I found some red onions. They had a very nice crunch when I bit them. Then I found another kitchen with several garlic bulbs, which were nice for biting as well. At this point, my breath was quite malodorous, so I found a bathroom with a funny-looking sink so I could brush my teeth.
Then I found a ballroom just down the hall, and I danced and danced. I used to dance in our ballroom with Mommy and Daddy. They would turn on music where the singers were singing something Daddy said was “Italian.” I did not understand it at all.
Then Klaus walked in. He told me I did a good job remembering things because in the next room were six fire places and lots of fire tongs. We took them back to Violet, and she said I shouldn’t be near a hot oven. “Prawottle,” I said, which meant, “All I want to do is bake cookies.”
I thought more and more about my favorite kinds of cookies. There is gingerbread, which is fun because you get to pretend you are a dinosaur as you chomp off their arms and legs. There is peanut butter chocolate chip, which is delicious and crispy. I sighed, thinking about how Mommy used to make me cookies as an afternoon snack.
I was just trying to remember who wrote the music Mommy, Daddy, and I danced to when the welding torches were finally hot enough. It was time for us to climb back down the elevator shaft. “Zelestin,” I said, which meant, “Perhaps it was Wagner,” but then I said, “Enipy,” which meant, “Or maybe it was Offenbach.”
Now we are climbing down the elevator shaft with our hot torches, getting ready to save the Quackmires.
[This section of The Sunny Baudelaire Diaries correlates with Chapter 8 of The Ersatz Elevator.]
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Post by Foxy on Oct 21, 2018 16:30:36 GMT -5
Dear Dairy,
When we got down to the bottom of the elevator shaft, the Quackmires were gone! I wondered if maybe they had flown south for the winter, but Violet said Guntlaf snatched them. Violet and Klaus threw their torches in the corner, so I threw mine, too. “Noque, noque,” I said, trying to lighten the mood with a knock-knock joke. Violet and Klaus kept talking. “Dwestall,” I said, which meant, “You’re supposed to say, ‘Who’s there?’”
Klaus said we have to climb back up to the penthouse. “Meotze,” I said, which meant, “All this climbing is really exhausting, and I would like a hard cheese, perhaps parmesan, to munch.” All of my thinking about Italian music had me thinking about Italian food. Maybe one day I will have a garden, just like Justice Strauss, and I can grow all sorts of foods for cooking. “Vinung,” I said, interrupting something Violet was saying, which meant, “Maybe someday I will like soft food, and we can grow grape vines for making fine wine.”
We climbed all the way up the elevator shaft again. Klaus started going to the library, and I remembered I hadn’t finished my knock-knock joke. “Reauhop!” I said, which meant, “Etch!”
Violet and I pulled the rope up the elevator shaft. “Yallrel,” I said, which meant, “You’re supposed to say, ‘Etch who?’”
Violet and I went back to the penthouse and into Vioelt’s room, where she read a note from Jerome. “Yikes!” I said, finishing my joke with, “Gesundheit!” Violet said going up and down the elevator shaft took much long than she thought. “Wrech,” I said, which meant, “So did telling my knock-knock joke.”
Violet and I went to the library, where Klaus was reading the In Auction catalogue. He got to lot #50, and I said, “Toomsk,” which meant, “The Quackmires must be buried in that lot.”
[This section of The Sunny Baudelaire Diaries correlates with Chapter 9 of The Ersatz Elevator.]
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