Post by Tiran O'Saurus on Sept 4, 2024 16:08:21 GMT -5
ACT TWO, SCENE SIX
(The boat has been at sea for a while now. The BAUDELAIRES look very tired as they row onwards, KIT looks disgruntled, and OLAF is profoundly happy.)
OLAF
I've triumphed! Look at where I am now! Sailing on through beautiful waters, with some hardworking servants and a beautiful woman to woo. Everything has turned out perfectly!
VIOLET
If you're not going to row, you could at least stay quiet so we can focus.
KLAUS
Or even better, you could do something useful.
OLAF
While you orphans were born for manual labor, it's anathema to an aristocrat like me. Anathema is a word which here means "I don't want to do it". I am born for more theatrical pursuits, such as... entertainment. Yes, orphan, that is something I can do! Serenade my love with a beautiful song! Ahem:
I can’t think of a single thing I’d rather do
than be cast away on an island with you
No, I can’t think of anything more heavenly
than to have you shipwrecked on a tropical island with me
Shipwrecked with you
Shipwrecked with you
I can’t think of a single thing I’d rather do
than be cast away on an island with you
Far from distractions and matters of state,
we can quit smoking and quickly lose weight,
sleeping till noon and then staying up late,
at latitude zero and longitude eight
I am a gentleman: should you get hurt,
I’ll make a tourniquet out of my shirt
You needn’t do much, just sit there and flirt,
and if it looks drizzly, I’ll build us a yurt
I can’t think of a single thing I’d rather do,
and that’s why I had to get rid of the crew
So I lopped off their heads and dropped them in the sea
just to have you shipwrecked on a tropical island with me
Shipwrecked with you
Shipwrecked with you
I can’t think of a single thing I’d rather do
and that’s why I decapitated the crew
How could I know there’s no island nearby?
if I don’t eat something soon, I’ll just die
I wouldn’t eat you, oh, never, not I
so let’s catch a shark and I’ll make us a pie
What shall we use for bait? Lend me a hand
I’ll sew it back on when we get to land
But if the shark takes it, that would be grand,
(because we won’t starve to death; you understand)
I can’t think of a single thing I wouldn’t do
to end up shipwrecked on an island with you
No there’s nobody I wouldn’t kill—nobody—
just to have you shipwrecked on a tropical island with me
Shipwrecked with you
Shipwrecked with you
I can’t think of a single thing I wouldn’t do
to end up shipwrecked on an island with you
again.
KLAUS
Again? Kit, do you know him?
KIT
A long time ago, when he was a different man.
OLAF (Offended)
Do you think the world only exists for you to walk through it, Baudelaires? Do you think that I sat in my house in the city waiting for you to fall into my clutches? That Kit came into existence to drive you around in her taxi? That your parents had no lives whatsoever until you were born? The world is vaster and more unknowable than you could ever imagine, and the stories of the people on this boat make up not one iota of it. My story with Kit is long and complicated, as is my story with your parents, or with my troupe, or Madame Lulu. We are surrounded by great clouds of mystery and- and literal clouds, it seems.
(The lights become dark and gray. We hear thunder. LEMONY enters.)
LEMONY
I cannot describe the storm. No effects on stage, no words from my mouth, could ever sum up the terror of being in a storm at sea. With great gusts of wind it pushed the boat across the sea, with buckets of rain it flooded the deck, and with a grim inevitability it moved our story to its ending. I warn you to leave the theater again one last time, audience. The end will not be pleasant.
(Lights fade.)
(The boat has been at sea for a while now. The BAUDELAIRES look very tired as they row onwards, KIT looks disgruntled, and OLAF is profoundly happy.)
OLAF
I've triumphed! Look at where I am now! Sailing on through beautiful waters, with some hardworking servants and a beautiful woman to woo. Everything has turned out perfectly!
VIOLET
If you're not going to row, you could at least stay quiet so we can focus.
KLAUS
Or even better, you could do something useful.
OLAF
While you orphans were born for manual labor, it's anathema to an aristocrat like me. Anathema is a word which here means "I don't want to do it". I am born for more theatrical pursuits, such as... entertainment. Yes, orphan, that is something I can do! Serenade my love with a beautiful song! Ahem:
I can’t think of a single thing I’d rather do
than be cast away on an island with you
No, I can’t think of anything more heavenly
than to have you shipwrecked on a tropical island with me
Shipwrecked with you
Shipwrecked with you
I can’t think of a single thing I’d rather do
than be cast away on an island with you
Far from distractions and matters of state,
we can quit smoking and quickly lose weight,
sleeping till noon and then staying up late,
at latitude zero and longitude eight
I am a gentleman: should you get hurt,
I’ll make a tourniquet out of my shirt
You needn’t do much, just sit there and flirt,
and if it looks drizzly, I’ll build us a yurt
I can’t think of a single thing I’d rather do,
and that’s why I had to get rid of the crew
So I lopped off their heads and dropped them in the sea
just to have you shipwrecked on a tropical island with me
Shipwrecked with you
Shipwrecked with you
I can’t think of a single thing I’d rather do
and that’s why I decapitated the crew
How could I know there’s no island nearby?
if I don’t eat something soon, I’ll just die
I wouldn’t eat you, oh, never, not I
so let’s catch a shark and I’ll make us a pie
What shall we use for bait? Lend me a hand
I’ll sew it back on when we get to land
But if the shark takes it, that would be grand,
(because we won’t starve to death; you understand)
I can’t think of a single thing I wouldn’t do
to end up shipwrecked on an island with you
No there’s nobody I wouldn’t kill—nobody—
just to have you shipwrecked on a tropical island with me
Shipwrecked with you
Shipwrecked with you
I can’t think of a single thing I wouldn’t do
to end up shipwrecked on an island with you
again.
KLAUS
Again? Kit, do you know him?
KIT
A long time ago, when he was a different man.
OLAF (Offended)
Do you think the world only exists for you to walk through it, Baudelaires? Do you think that I sat in my house in the city waiting for you to fall into my clutches? That Kit came into existence to drive you around in her taxi? That your parents had no lives whatsoever until you were born? The world is vaster and more unknowable than you could ever imagine, and the stories of the people on this boat make up not one iota of it. My story with Kit is long and complicated, as is my story with your parents, or with my troupe, or Madame Lulu. We are surrounded by great clouds of mystery and- and literal clouds, it seems.
(The lights become dark and gray. We hear thunder. LEMONY enters.)
LEMONY
I cannot describe the storm. No effects on stage, no words from my mouth, could ever sum up the terror of being in a storm at sea. With great gusts of wind it pushed the boat across the sea, with buckets of rain it flooded the deck, and with a grim inevitability it moved our story to its ending. I warn you to leave the theater again one last time, audience. The end will not be pleasant.
(Lights fade.)