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Post by Tiran O'Saurus on Apr 17, 2024 19:48:25 GMT -5
So, Optimism is my Phil-osophy made a thread about making an ASOUE musical. bear said something in there about using the Gothic Archies songs, although it was in the context of poo-pooing the idea. Still, the thought inspired me, so I started thinking long and hard about how best to do it. I think I've got a good script now, and I'll post it here. First, your playbill: A Series Of Unfortunate Events: The Musical
The Cast, In Order Of Appearance: Lemony Snicket The Baudelaire Orphans Arthur Poe Jacques Snicket Count Olaf His Acting Troupe Montgomery Montgomery Josephine Anwhistle Mr. Remora The Quagmire Triplets Vice Principal Nero Hector The Elders and Townsfolk of VFD Madame Lulu Hugo, Collette, and Kevin Kit Snicket Dewey Denouement
List Of Songs:
Act One: Dreary, Dreary Scream And Run Away Smile! No One Cares How You Feel In The Reptile Room The World Is A Very Scary Place When You Play The Violin Crows This Abyss
Act Two: Freakshow A Million Mushrooms How Do You Slow This Thing Down? Shipwrecked Things Are Not What They Appear
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Post by twigz on Apr 18, 2024 3:19:46 GMT -5
the fact DH has played accordion for the magentic fields / other stephin merritt tracks makes my heart fill with joy cause i grew up listening to them (i told my da and he approved)
you could probably write something to The Baudelaire Memorial Orchestra which was the project Scream and Run Away was originally released under I think
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Post by Optimism is my Phil-osophy on Apr 18, 2024 9:01:19 GMT -5
Lately I've wanted to see something like this in person so much, that even thinking about it makes me feel sad that I'll probably never see something like this.
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Post by HAL 10,000 on Apr 18, 2024 12:37:29 GMT -5
This looks really good.
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Post by Tiran O'Saurus on Apr 19, 2024 15:57:53 GMT -5
ACT ONE, SCENE ONE
(We open on a graveyard. Two large coffins dangle from the ceiling over an open trapdoor in the stage. Written on one coffin is the name Beatrice Baudelaire, on the other is the name Bertrand Baudelaire. Frozen in place in the middle of a funeral are a large group of nameless MOURNERS, with four people standing towards the front of the crowd. These are ARTHUR POE and the BAUDELAIRE ORPHANS.)
(Lemony Snicket enters. He looks sadly at the "Beatrice" coffin. Then he and the mourners begin to sing:)
LEMONY AND MOURNERS Gone, gone, the girl in brocade Gone the words we might have said Howl, winds, because she is dead and gone, gone, gone
Were teary, teary eyes once bright? Weary sighs the tune Dreary, dreary fall the night and eerie light of the moon
Gone, gone, my Beatrice Gone the lips I longed to kiss into a black and bleak abyss Gone, gone, gone (Gone are the summers of croquet and cribbage) Were teary, teary eyes once bright?
(Gone gone,) Weary sighs the tune (are the winters of) Dreary, dreary fall the night (snow,) and eerie light of the moon (sighs and secrets.) Were teary, teary eyes once bright? (Gone too,) Weary sighs the tune (silver springs, golden) Dreary, dreary fall the night (falls.) and eerie light of the moon.
(The coffins lower into the trapdoor, which closes. The nameless mourners disperse, leaving only Poe and the Baudelaires in the background. Lemony turns and directly addresses the audience.)
LEMONY Dear viewers, now would be a very good time to get out of your seats, exit the theater in an orderly manner, and demand a refund at once. This play, as you saw, does not have a happy beginning. I regret to inform you that the middle and end will not be any cheerier. I beg of you, please do not make yourself suffer by continuing to watch this miserable play.
(A beat)
LEMONY (Sighing) Really, none of you? Very well. Don't say I didn't warn you of the general unpleasantness upcoming.
(Lemony approaches the orphans and Mister Poe)
LEMONY Standing at their parents' funeral were the three Baudelaire children: Violet, Klaus, and Sunny. Violet was an inventor. If you gave her two bits of metal and a gear, she could fit them together in such a way that the resulting contraption could fry you an egg while also beating you at chess. Right now, however, all she wanted was to invent some device that could let her spend even a second with her parents again. It is a device I've wanted many times myself, but never found in even the most esoteric of flea markets. Klaus was keen reader, who knew about every subject recorded in the Baudelaire family library before it burned to ash. At this point, he was trying to remember what a law book he'd read had stated would happen to people whose parents had died. And finally, Sunny. Sunny was just a baby, far too young to understand what had happened. Right then, Sunny wanted nothing more than to bite the man next to them, the man who'd taken them away from their ordinary lives. His name was Mister Poe, he was a banker, and he always had a cold. There is almost nothing else to say about such a boring man, except that it was a shame the Baudelaires had ever met him at all.
POE Well, children, you're very lucky to have met me. I understand this funeral was a tad upsetting, but now all the paperwork has been filled out. You will be living with a distant cousin, an actor by the name of Count Olaf. He's expecting you at noon, so we should hurry. His house is just a short walk from this graveyard.
VIOLET Is he an actor or a count?
KLAUS Titled aristocracy isn't a concept in our system of government.
SUNNY Why never meet him?!
POE So many questions! I'm sure you can ask him yourself about his job, his title, or his general unfamiliarity with you. He specifically said he was very eager to get his hands on you. Come along!
(They exit)
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Post by Deleted on Apr 19, 2024 17:22:46 GMT -5
Hmm. An opening featuring twin coffins instead of the usual Briny Beach?
Certainly a standout and very creative.
I like it.
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Post by Tiran O'Saurus on Apr 19, 2024 19:47:54 GMT -5
Well observed! Having the Gothic Archies songs sort of forced my hand. I knew Dreary Dreary had to be the opening number, because it perfectly encapsulated the series's tone and had nothing to do with TMM, which I'm cutting. However, opening with a song about Beatrice's death meant Poe couldn't reveal it to the kids, so I made up this funeral and let the audience understand Briny Beach happened before the musical began.
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Post by twigz on Apr 20, 2024 7:52:25 GMT -5
bear surely your muscial abilities could incite a composition
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Post by Optimism is my Phil-osophy on Apr 22, 2024 9:39:45 GMT -5
Hmm. An opening featuring twin coffins instead of the usual Briny Beach?
Certainly a standout and very creative.
I like it. I second this. I actually really want to see this.
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Post by Tiran O'Saurus on Apr 22, 2024 20:32:51 GMT -5
ACT ONE, SCENE TWO
(MR. POE walks across the stage, the BAUDELAIRES a few paces behind him. He is approached by a man with a unibrow dressed like a secret agent, JACQUES SNICKET.)
JACQUES Excuse me, I am but a humble street musician. Will you spare me a moment of your time for a song with no subliminal messages in it whatsoever?
POE (Coughing) If you'll make it quick. I have an appointment to keep.
(Jacques begins to sing. As he describes things in the song, banners in the style of Helquist's illustrations lower from the ceiling depicting what he sings about. Over the course of the song, Poe looks more and more terrified.)
JACQUES The count has an eye on his ankle and lives in a horrible place He wants all your money He’s never at all funny He wants to remove your face And you might be thinking, What a romp this is! but wait till you meet his accomplices
When you see Count Olaf you’re suddenly full of disgust and despair and dismay In the whole of the soul of Count Olaf there’s no love When you see Count Olaf, count to zero; then, scream and run away Scream, scream, scream and run away Run, run, run, run, run, run, run or die, die, die, die, die, die, die, die Run, run, run, run, run, run, run, run or die, die, die, die, die, die, die, die, die, die, die
Two women with powdered white faces and one long-nosed bald man with warts Things worsen and worsen There’s a hook-handed person and others with nastier parts This evil and unpleasant group completes Count Olaf’s acting troupe
The goal of Count Olaf is getting control of the fortunes of urchins and orphans, hooray! I mean, horrors! Count Olaf is no laughing matter When you see Count Olaf, count to zero; Then scream and run away…
POE (faintly clapping) By a funny coincidence, I happen to be meeting with someone named Count Olaf right now. I hope he isn't anything like your song, though. Here.
(He drops a few coins in Jacques's hand. Jacques leaves the stage, bowing, and Poe and the Baudelaires keep walking. Stagehands change the set so an ominous, crumbling house looms over the stage. In front of it is COUNT OLAF and his acting troupe (a bald, warty man; two white-faced women; a hook-handed man; and one who looks like neither a man nor a woman, who never speaks))
OLAF Hello, hello, hello.
POE Zero! AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAH!
(Poe runs away, grabbing the Baudelaires and leading them offstage. Olaf's troupe look at each other in confusion.)
BALD MAN Uh, boss?
HOOK HANDED MAN Why did they just run off like that?
WHITE-FACED WOMAN #1 We had such a clever scheme to steal their fortune, too!
COUNT OLAF Our enemies must have gotten to that impressionable banker. No matter, we will come up with another scheme. And another, and another, until the fortune is ours and the Baudelaires are ruined!
WHITE-FACED WOMAN #2 Still, I'm feeling awfully disappointed right now.
COUNT OLAF Aww, don't be like that. I have some advice for you:
Smile! No one cares how you feel Be vicious, vain and vile Everything’s yours to steal if you’ll just smile Have you no dignity? Have you no sense of style? You’ll never be pretty until you smile
Smile! No one cares how you feel There’s a world to beguile You can make this world kneel if you’ll just smile Always the best disguise A license to defile Everyone you despise will die, so smile.
COUNT OLAF (Continued) So why don't we figure out where the orphans are going next? With my profound acting talent, convincing the bank to tell us where they're going will be easier than taking money from a baby. So as I just explained at great length, you really ought to smile.
(The troupe grins wickedly and begins to laugh. Their laughter fills the theater as the lights dim.)
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Post by HAL 10,000 on Apr 23, 2024 9:30:37 GMT -5
Ooh, goody. You know how I like cliffhangers.
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Post by Tiran O'Saurus on Apr 27, 2024 14:09:34 GMT -5
ACT ONE, SCENE THREE
(The stage is lined with snake-shaped hedges. LEMONY SNICKET walks onstage.)
LEMONY After the clever and subtle strategies employed by that brave do-gooder, Mr. Poe looked for a more suitable guardian for the Baudelaires. He found one in Dr. Montgomery, a distant relative who lived in a house outside a small town in the countryside.
(POE and the BAUDELAIRES enter. Poe coughs.)
POE ...and don't make fun of his name. Both his first and last names are Montgomery, and I'm sure he's sensitive about that.
VIOLET We weren't going to make fun of him.
POE Good, good. Well, I hope this is the last time I ever see you. I imagine you'll happily spend the rest of your lives here with Dr. Montgomery.
KLAUS Um, where are our suitcases?
POE Ack! I knew we were forgetting something! Well, I'll drive back to the city and get them. I'll see you in a few hours.
(He exits. At the same time, DR. MONTGOMERY enters.)
MONTGOMERY Hello, hello, hello, bambinis! I am your Uncle Monty!
VIOLET How do you do?
MONTY Very well, thank you! I am just so excited to have you with me! It's very sad about your parents, of course. I knew them very well, and they were wonderful people.
KLAUS You knew our parents? They never mentioned you.
MONTY Oh! Right. Well, bambinis, there is simply so much to show you! We can talk about the past later, but for now, I will show you your future. I think you'll find you spend a great deal of time with me...
(The hedges are moved offstage. In their place are several large snake cages, placed on pedestals that conceal puppeteers. Inside are large snake puppets that lunge and bite at the cages. Mid sentence, Monty begins to sing.)
MONTY In the reptile room,
LEMONY (as a snake lunges at Sunny) where the baby screams
MONTY weirder creatures loom than in all of your dreams
In the reptile room, hither and thither, creatures from Khartoum slither anywhither
ALL BAUDELAIRES In the reptile room anacondas dance Will they be our doom? Will we be their bon-bons?
LEMONY (as OLAF ENTERS) And you wanna know, wanna know, wanna know, why I frown Well, I’m smiling, I’m just smiling upside down
In the reptile room there’s an evil man in a strange costume; do not ride in his van
MONTY (oblivious as Olaf hides behind a cage) In the reptile room are pythons at play
OLAF (lunging at Monty with a hypodermic needle) in the murky gloom; what a horrible day!
(The Baudelaires gasp as Monty falls to the floor, dead. Count Olaf grins over the body. He's wearing a lab coat, a fake beard, and a bald cap.)
OLAF My my my my my. How very tragic.
KLAUS You're Count Olaf, the actor Mr. Poe almost made our guardian! Why would you kill him?
(Suddenly, Poe enters. He's holding the Baudelaires' suitcases, but drops them when he sees Monty's body.)
POE Oh dear, what happened here?
VIOLET Count Olaf-
OLAF (in a fake voice) -had nothing to do with this. Dr. Montgomery was bit to death by the Thespian Needlesnake, in a tragic snake accident.
KLAUS Mister Poe, this man is Count Olaf! He killed Uncle Monty!
POE Nonsense, Klaus. This man is wearing a lab coat, which means he is an expert in something. I'm sure he's correct about that snake. Good investigation, mister...?
OLAF Stephano. I was Dr. Montgomery's beloved assistant. You can leave the children here with me. He would have wanted me to have them.
POE I'm sure he would have, but I'm afraid there are some legal complications involved. In the absence of an official legal statement by the late doctor, the children's future is determined by their parents' will, which states very clearly that they must be raised by a relative.
OLAF I see. My mistake. I will do a better job next time. May I just say farewell to the orphans?
POE Of course.
OLAF (in his real voice, whispering to the children) Wherever you go, I will find you. No matter where you hide, I will hunt you down. I will pursue until I have your fortune and you are reunited with your parents in whatever afterlife snooty rich people go to. (Louder, in Stephano voice) And that is why you should never place a typewriter near the Virginian Wolfsnake! Well, ta-ta orphans. Have fun wherever you go next.
(Poe and the Baudelaires leave. Once they're gone, Olaf removes his disguise and laughs evilly.)
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Post by Deleted on Apr 29, 2024 13:26:33 GMT -5
One minor note.
Perhaps to add on a visual scale, through the song a shadow is creeping across the scenery, near the reptile's cages in accordance with the line, etc. During the song Monty pauses to deal with something, leaving the children who are still holding their suitcases to explore the Reptile Room. The "study" he enters, to best explain, appears like a door with windows. Much like these: ![](https://stylesatlife.com/wp-content/uploads/2019/10/latest-window-door-designs.jpg)
Yet the "windows" of the door are blurred and only show a silhouette, much like a shadow puppet play. The audience views Monty grabbing something off a desk before another shadow emerges from behind him, the same shadow that had been following them through the song, injecting him with the venom before slinking off elsewhere as the line "Smiling but upside down" is sung, where the three children/Mr. Poe open the door to ask Monty about something, maybe to further clarify his quick mention of a trip to Peru, but when they open the door his body lazily falls down to the ground as he had been leaning on the door/have him found hunched over his desk with Mr. Poe shrieking in shock.
Then have Stephano appear from a corner, expressing his feigned grievances.
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Post by Tiran O'Saurus on May 5, 2024 16:01:19 GMT -5
ACT ONE, SCENE FOUR
(The trapdoor from the first scene has reopened. It is filled with blue cloth. A wide window is placed in front of it, as well as some bookshelves. LEMONY enters.)
LEMONY After Dr. Montgomery's shocking murder, Mr. Poe brought the Baudelaires to live with their second cousin's sister-in-law, a woman named Josephine Anwhistle. She lived in a house on a cliff, overlooking the vast Lake Lachrymose.
(POE and the BAUDELAIRES enter from one side of the stage, JOSEPHINE from the other.)
POE Mrs. Anwhistle?
JOSEPHINE Ahh! Don't step on that floorboard! It's been creaking lately, and if it were to break you'd fall straight down into the lake!
POE I... see. Well, I'd best be going. I need to catch the Fickle Ferry when it departs in an hour to make it back to the city before the bank closes. Farewell, Baudelaires!
(He exits. The Baudelaires look at Josephine warily.)
JOSEPHINE Oh, my poor children. I've been following your story in the papers -well, the parts that didn't scare me too much. Losing your parents must have been even worse for you than it was for me to learn of their death. Then you were almost sent to live with that awful Count Olaf, and even when you were spared that fate he killed your new guardian, Dr. Montgomery. Well, don't worry now. I'll keep you safe.
(Immediately after saying that, she screams when Sunny yells something.)
JOSEPHINE I understand you're a baby, little Sunny, but please avoid gibberish like that. I'm terribly afraid of poor grammar.
VIOLET She meant that she wanted to know how you knew our parents.
KLAUS For that matter, how do you know Count Olaf killed Uncle Monty? He did, it's true, but everyone believes it was a snake accident.
JOSEPHINE Well...
(A beat. The children lean in eagerly.)
JOSEPHINE ...no, I'm sorry. That story is much too frightening for me to tell it.
VIOLET Aunt Josephine, why are you so afraid of things?
JOSEPHINE The world is a very scary place, my dear It’s hurled and it’s twirled through outer space, I fear So many ways to lose your skin in it The number of ways to die is infinite
The world is a very scary thing, I find It’s curled all my toes and it’s curling my mind When I was young my study was candies but they attract tarantulas and bees
Some people act as if there were nothing wrong, due to the fact they haven’t heard this song
The world is a very scary place to go It’s whorled and it’s swirled with death like lace, you know You may have found my views unorthodox but now the wolf is at the door; it knocks.
(There's a loud knocking at the door.)
JOSEPHINE Don't open it! It's probably realtors! I'm terrified of them.
(Klaus sighs and opens the door. Behind it is not a realtor, but COUNT OLAF. He's dressed like a sea captain, with an eyepatch and a massive stump of wood wrapped around his left leg.)
OLAF Hello, hello, hello.
JOSEPHINE Count Olaf!
(The Baudelaires look at one another, first in horror but then in confusion. How does Josephine recognize Count Olaf under his disguise?)
OLAF As I live and breath. Two things you soon won't be doing.
(He draws a harpoon gun and fires! Josephine is hurled through the wide window and lands in the cloth in the trapdoor, which slowly lowers her out of sight. Olaf crosses the room to a telephone and picks it up.)
OLAF (In a fake voice) Is this Mr. Arthur Poe? (Pause) Good, good. Josephine Anwhistle has committed suicide and jumped out her window. It seems the stress of raising three orphan brats got to her. (Pause) Oh! I didn't introduce myself. I am her beloved Captain Sham. (Pause) Yes, actually. She wrote her last will and testament into her suicide note. It says right here that she's leaving the children in my capable hands. (Pause) No, surely it isn't necessary for you to come examine the note. (Pause) Well, if you insist. (He slams down the phone.)
OLAF Well, I suppose I'll have to kill him too.
KLAUS Why do you keep doing this to us?!
OLAF You don't know? You mean your parents didn't tell you?
VIOLET It seems our parents didn't tell us a lot.
(Poe enters. Olaf hides the harpoon gun behind his back.)
KLAUS Mister Poe, you're in great danger! This man is Count Olaf!
POE Now, Klaus, you see Count Olaf everywhere. Why, remember when you were convinced Dr. Montgomery's assistant Stephano was Count Olaf?
VIOLET He was Count Olaf!
POE You never proved that. Just as you don't have any proof this Captain Sham is Count Olaf. It would be a knot of legal paperwork to dispute his identity, so I'm afraid he will be your new guardian once I review this will.
SUNNY Gordius!
(She leaps at Olaf and bites off his peg leg.)
POE It's the eye tattoo! This man is Count Olaf!
OLAF (fake voice) That doesn't prove anything! I'll bet that if you dragged the old woman out of the lake, you'd find that she has that same tattoo!
POE Be that as it may, I cannot trust anything said by a man who would pretend to be disabled. Good day, sir.
(He and the Baudelaires walk away while Olaf seethes.)
POE Well, children, it doesn't seem like a traditional guardianship structure is working for you. It's not quite within the letter of your parents' will, but it seems the best approach right now is to send you three off to boarding school.
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Post by HAL 10,000 on May 5, 2024 17:39:09 GMT -5
I wonder how many books this'll cover.
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