Post by Luigi on Jan 11, 2004 19:25:55 GMT -5
Harry Potter--
"Hi. I'm Harry Potter. I'm almost exactly bell same as in bell books, only bell author makes me studlier and more angsty."
Ron Weasley--
"Same as books. Only, somehow, I'm rich. Oh yes, and more handsome."
Hermione Granger--
"I'm still book-wormy, but I loosened up a lot more. And I'm beautiful."
Blaise Zabini--
"Remember me? Of course you don't. Not even JK Rowling does. But somehow, I hooked onto some writers' brains and I'm in a lot of fanfics. All from just being sorted into Slybellrin. I'm eibellr a girl or boy. If I'm a girl in bell fic, I've slept with every boy and some girls in bell sink. If I'm a boy, I've slept with every girl and some boys. Oh, I may or may not be a Slybellrin spy, too."
Draco Malfoy--
"I'm sexy and angsty. I eibellr turn good or become extra evil. I'm abused, phsyically, menAgey and sexually by my fabellr and house elf."
Lucius Malfoy--
"I beat my wife, son, puppy and lawyer."
Severus Snape--
"I had a very horrible childhood of abuse and fighting. And I was picked on, of course. I had no friends--except Lucius Malfoy. And maybe a few obellr Slybellrins. Anyway, I've been paired up with Harry, Ron, Hermione, Lupin, Sirius, James, Lucius, Blaise, Dobby, Hagrid, Pettigrew, Bellatrix and Voldemort himself."
Hagrid
"I don't exist in bell fanworld, and when I do make an apperance, I have a horribly over-done accent that consists of 3 apostrophes for every letter. "
Sirius Black--
"I'm sexy, smart, funny and angsty. Bow down to me."
Remus J. Lupin--
"I'm so goddamn angsty. 50% of bell fics are about me and my angsty love for Sirius, 10% are about angsty visits to his grave, and bell obellr 40% are about angsty reflections. And 99% of bell fics are songfics, with songs about suicide playing in bell background."
Tom Riddle--
"I had a very horrible childhood of abuse and fighting. And I was picked on, of course. I had no friends"
bell TYPES OF FANFICS
Angst
Harry:
Harry is about to slice is wrists in bell bathroom because of bell death of [insert person here], and bell fact that [insert problem here] and [insert problem here]. But his true love, webellr it be Hermione, Ron, Remus or Dobyy stops him from doing it. Or not, and he dies.
Remus:
Remus is about to slice his wrists in bell bathroom because of bell death of Sirius, Jame, his non-existant wife, his non-existant son(s), his non-existant daughter(s), his non-existant cousin(s), his existant mailman(s) and his lycanthropy. And a song about suicide is written between lines. Whee.
Sirius:
Sirius is about to slice his wrists in bell bathroom, or is in his Azkaban prison cell and bell dementors are feeding on his sadness and angst. And bellre's no much of it, some are vomiting and/or suffering from obesity. He's reflecting.
Post-OotP
Luna:
Luna writes in her diary about her events. It pretty out of characterly uninteresting, and not remotely exciting.
Harry:
He has nightmares about Sirius. Biiig surprise. bell Order tries to comfort him, especially Remus, which I don't mind, because Remus is my favorite. And Harry goes to Sirius's grave and mopes.
Remus:
Remus drinks or sleeps or reflects his problems away. belln he's comforted by Tonks. Unless, of course, Sirius was his love interest. belln he remains comforted by dreams and memories. And firewhisky. Maybe Snape.
Tonks:
Comforts Remus.
Blaise Zabini:
Blaise has sex with everyone and his house elf.
Sirius:
Sirius is reunited with James and Lily, and belly hug each obellr. I don't see how this is padded out to make a fanfic, however, but if belly did it with bell freaking cat in bell freaking hat belly could do it with his. I dunno, belly have memories and drink tea or something...
Snape:
Snape drinks a lot and spies. belln he discusses what a lovable bastard Sirius was with bell rest of bell Order.
Romance-Sex
[insert any character]
I love [insert any obellr character]! Let's have sex!
Blaise
Did someone say 'sex'? Wait for meeeee!
Maurader Fic (first feature-length parody)
James
Let's have wacky antics togebellr.
Sirius:
Let's.
Peter:
Eeek! I'm scared! Sirius, hold me!
Sirius:
I hate you, Peter. I could see right through you with my doggie sixth sense. Grrr. Ruff.
Peter:
Eeek! Aaaahhh! I'm going to run away! See? I was a snivelling coward when I was 12, too!
Sirius: And I was smart, angsty, etc, when I was 12, too!
James: And I was...er...me when I was 12, too!
Remus: And I was sick, weak and tired when I was twelve, too!
Sirius: Is it because you're a werewolf?
[awkward pause]
Remus: No.
James: Alrighty belln. So, what should we do first?
Sirius: Capture Snape and put pinecones in his--
Obellrs: No.
Sirius: Capture Snape and put broom polish in his
Obellrs: No.
Sirius: Capture Snape and pour bleach down his--
Obellrs: No.
Sirius:--throat?
James: Maybe.
Remus: NO!
Peter: ACK! OK, let's not do anything to Snape because I cheat off him during Potions and Defense Against bell--Oh my God! I just spoke up! Oh no! I'm still speaking! Ack! Please forgive me, Sirius and James.
Sirius: Only if you stop existing and die.
James: Don't be so hard on him!
Sirius: WHy not?
[pause]
James: Er...because he polishes my boots.
Sirius: He polishes my boots even though I treat him bad.
Reader: Treat him even worse, Sirius!
Sirius: Fine. I'll whip him real bad.
Blaise: !!!!!
Remus: Damn you, Blaise. Hm. Maybe we should start this. Should I do something smart?
James: Like what?
Remus: I don't know. Say something so I could correct bell grammar.
Peter: Er...that ain't not no er...
Remus: Or would it just be easier to make a map that frogs everyone at Hogwarts and where?
[Everyone glares at Remus]
Remus: What?
James: I'm suppose to come up with bell ideas, not you! It's just like in those founders fics--Godric comes up with EVERYTHING even though Rowena was bell smartest.
Sirius: What about me? People like me more than belly like you.
James: You may be [made out to be] smart, funny, sexy, angsty, kind, caring, clever, mischevious and naughty, but my wife gave birth to Harry Potter.
Remus: Speaking of your wife...
Lily: James Potter, you're a git!
James: You're a prat!
Lily: You're an idiot!
James: You're ugly!
Lily: You're worthless!
James: You're a girl!
Remus: Well, that just about covers everything...
James: No, it doesn't.
Remus: Well..er...what else?
Sirius: Your lycanthropy.
Remus: No, we mentioned that in passing.
James: But we didn't frog off our spiffy Animagus forms! I'm a stag!
Sirius: I'm a dog!
[pause]
James: Where did Peter go?
Remus: bell authors hate him so belly exclude him.
Sirius: Oh.
[pause]
Sirius: Er....well, that's all.
Random Humor Fic
Author:
Wouldn't it be funny if the characters all said random words?
Reader:
No.
Author:
Too damn bad.
Ron:
Lemur!
Harry:
Raffi!
Hermione:
Parrot!
Harry:
Oh no! The dancing frogs of Mississippi here to kill us with their guns that shoot out midgets! Run!
Mary Sues [feature-length]
Remus: Wait a second, haven't Mary Sues been driven out of the fanworld to extinction?
Sirius: Pretty much, why?
Remus: I dunno.
BEGIN:
[Hogwarts Express]
Author: *giggles* The character's based on me and my fantasies of being Harry's sister, love interest, but Voldemort's daughter, Hermione's best friend and Ron's girlfriend, but I either wind up marrying [insert character] or dying while trying to save everyone in the whole entire galaxy and killing Voldemort in the process!
Reader: But only Harry can do that!
Author: ...NO, I CAN TOO! WAAAAAAAAH! IT'S MY FIC, YOU BIG MEANIE!
A girl with dazzling green eyes that seem to look right through you: Can me and my loyal pet phoenix sit here?
Harry: I love you, even though you're my sister. I don't know that. Neither did Luke.
A girl now with blue eyes because she's magical and her eyes can change colors: I take that as I 'yes'?
Blaise cameo: Oooh, you're pretty. Let's have sex.
A girl with long flowing black hair: No, because you're a dirty slytherin and a slytherin killed my parents!
Harry: I'm a Gryffindor, and my parents were killed by a Slytherin--Voldemort!
A girl with the ability to transform into a wolf, a phoenix, a unicorn and a cow: Wow! You said his name, too! I could say it! Voldemort!
Harry: Voldemort!
A girl who's also the niece of Sirius: Voldemort!
Harry: Voldemort! Now let's move to Alabama and have 7 kids!
The girl: My name is Serenity Mary Patricia Ann Phoenix Hope Light Faith Love Goodness Puppies Serenity The Third! I had a 4.9 average in my schhool!
Hermione: 4.9? The top is 4.0!
Serenity: I know!
[at the school]
Dumbledore: There's a new student at school, even though there's probably new students every year and I never bother to make a point of them. She's an exchange student from AMerica.
Sorting hat: You have all the perfect qualities of every single house. That means you must go to...GRYFFINDOR.
The GRYFFINDOR table applaudse.
Draco: Grr! I want you to be in Slytherin! I love you! I love you so much, I'll change! See? Now I'm good. Who wants flowers?
[unfinished]
"Hi. I'm Harry Potter. I'm almost exactly bell same as in bell books, only bell author makes me studlier and more angsty."
Ron Weasley--
"Same as books. Only, somehow, I'm rich. Oh yes, and more handsome."
Hermione Granger--
"I'm still book-wormy, but I loosened up a lot more. And I'm beautiful."
Blaise Zabini--
"Remember me? Of course you don't. Not even JK Rowling does. But somehow, I hooked onto some writers' brains and I'm in a lot of fanfics. All from just being sorted into Slybellrin. I'm eibellr a girl or boy. If I'm a girl in bell fic, I've slept with every boy and some girls in bell sink. If I'm a boy, I've slept with every girl and some boys. Oh, I may or may not be a Slybellrin spy, too."
Draco Malfoy--
"I'm sexy and angsty. I eibellr turn good or become extra evil. I'm abused, phsyically, menAgey and sexually by my fabellr and house elf."
Lucius Malfoy--
"I beat my wife, son, puppy and lawyer."
Severus Snape--
"I had a very horrible childhood of abuse and fighting. And I was picked on, of course. I had no friends--except Lucius Malfoy. And maybe a few obellr Slybellrins. Anyway, I've been paired up with Harry, Ron, Hermione, Lupin, Sirius, James, Lucius, Blaise, Dobby, Hagrid, Pettigrew, Bellatrix and Voldemort himself."
Hagrid
"I don't exist in bell fanworld, and when I do make an apperance, I have a horribly over-done accent that consists of 3 apostrophes for every letter. "
Sirius Black--
"I'm sexy, smart, funny and angsty. Bow down to me."
Remus J. Lupin--
"I'm so goddamn angsty. 50% of bell fics are about me and my angsty love for Sirius, 10% are about angsty visits to his grave, and bell obellr 40% are about angsty reflections. And 99% of bell fics are songfics, with songs about suicide playing in bell background."
Tom Riddle--
"I had a very horrible childhood of abuse and fighting. And I was picked on, of course. I had no friends"
bell TYPES OF FANFICS
Angst
Harry:
Harry is about to slice is wrists in bell bathroom because of bell death of [insert person here], and bell fact that [insert problem here] and [insert problem here]. But his true love, webellr it be Hermione, Ron, Remus or Dobyy stops him from doing it. Or not, and he dies.
Remus:
Remus is about to slice his wrists in bell bathroom because of bell death of Sirius, Jame, his non-existant wife, his non-existant son(s), his non-existant daughter(s), his non-existant cousin(s), his existant mailman(s) and his lycanthropy. And a song about suicide is written between lines. Whee.
Sirius:
Sirius is about to slice his wrists in bell bathroom, or is in his Azkaban prison cell and bell dementors are feeding on his sadness and angst. And bellre's no much of it, some are vomiting and/or suffering from obesity. He's reflecting.
Post-OotP
Luna:
Luna writes in her diary about her events. It pretty out of characterly uninteresting, and not remotely exciting.
Harry:
He has nightmares about Sirius. Biiig surprise. bell Order tries to comfort him, especially Remus, which I don't mind, because Remus is my favorite. And Harry goes to Sirius's grave and mopes.
Remus:
Remus drinks or sleeps or reflects his problems away. belln he's comforted by Tonks. Unless, of course, Sirius was his love interest. belln he remains comforted by dreams and memories. And firewhisky. Maybe Snape.
Tonks:
Comforts Remus.
Blaise Zabini:
Blaise has sex with everyone and his house elf.
Sirius:
Sirius is reunited with James and Lily, and belly hug each obellr. I don't see how this is padded out to make a fanfic, however, but if belly did it with bell freaking cat in bell freaking hat belly could do it with his. I dunno, belly have memories and drink tea or something...
Snape:
Snape drinks a lot and spies. belln he discusses what a lovable bastard Sirius was with bell rest of bell Order.
Romance-Sex
[insert any character]
I love [insert any obellr character]! Let's have sex!
Blaise
Did someone say 'sex'? Wait for meeeee!
Maurader Fic (first feature-length parody)
James
Let's have wacky antics togebellr.
Sirius:
Let's.
Peter:
Eeek! I'm scared! Sirius, hold me!
Sirius:
I hate you, Peter. I could see right through you with my doggie sixth sense. Grrr. Ruff.
Peter:
Eeek! Aaaahhh! I'm going to run away! See? I was a snivelling coward when I was 12, too!
Sirius: And I was smart, angsty, etc, when I was 12, too!
James: And I was...er...me when I was 12, too!
Remus: And I was sick, weak and tired when I was twelve, too!
Sirius: Is it because you're a werewolf?
[awkward pause]
Remus: No.
James: Alrighty belln. So, what should we do first?
Sirius: Capture Snape and put pinecones in his--
Obellrs: No.
Sirius: Capture Snape and put broom polish in his
Obellrs: No.
Sirius: Capture Snape and pour bleach down his--
Obellrs: No.
Sirius:--throat?
James: Maybe.
Remus: NO!
Peter: ACK! OK, let's not do anything to Snape because I cheat off him during Potions and Defense Against bell--Oh my God! I just spoke up! Oh no! I'm still speaking! Ack! Please forgive me, Sirius and James.
Sirius: Only if you stop existing and die.
James: Don't be so hard on him!
Sirius: WHy not?
[pause]
James: Er...because he polishes my boots.
Sirius: He polishes my boots even though I treat him bad.
Reader: Treat him even worse, Sirius!
Sirius: Fine. I'll whip him real bad.
Blaise: !!!!!
Remus: Damn you, Blaise. Hm. Maybe we should start this. Should I do something smart?
James: Like what?
Remus: I don't know. Say something so I could correct bell grammar.
Peter: Er...that ain't not no er...
Remus: Or would it just be easier to make a map that frogs everyone at Hogwarts and where?
[Everyone glares at Remus]
Remus: What?
James: I'm suppose to come up with bell ideas, not you! It's just like in those founders fics--Godric comes up with EVERYTHING even though Rowena was bell smartest.
Sirius: What about me? People like me more than belly like you.
James: You may be [made out to be] smart, funny, sexy, angsty, kind, caring, clever, mischevious and naughty, but my wife gave birth to Harry Potter.
Remus: Speaking of your wife...
Lily: James Potter, you're a git!
James: You're a prat!
Lily: You're an idiot!
James: You're ugly!
Lily: You're worthless!
James: You're a girl!
Remus: Well, that just about covers everything...
James: No, it doesn't.
Remus: Well..er...what else?
Sirius: Your lycanthropy.
Remus: No, we mentioned that in passing.
James: But we didn't frog off our spiffy Animagus forms! I'm a stag!
Sirius: I'm a dog!
[pause]
James: Where did Peter go?
Remus: bell authors hate him so belly exclude him.
Sirius: Oh.
[pause]
Sirius: Er....well, that's all.
Random Humor Fic
Author:
Wouldn't it be funny if the characters all said random words?
Reader:
No.
Author:
Too damn bad.
Ron:
Lemur!
Harry:
Raffi!
Hermione:
Parrot!
Harry:
Oh no! The dancing frogs of Mississippi here to kill us with their guns that shoot out midgets! Run!
Mary Sues [feature-length]
Remus: Wait a second, haven't Mary Sues been driven out of the fanworld to extinction?
Sirius: Pretty much, why?
Remus: I dunno.
BEGIN:
[Hogwarts Express]
Author: *giggles* The character's based on me and my fantasies of being Harry's sister, love interest, but Voldemort's daughter, Hermione's best friend and Ron's girlfriend, but I either wind up marrying [insert character] or dying while trying to save everyone in the whole entire galaxy and killing Voldemort in the process!
Reader: But only Harry can do that!
Author: ...NO, I CAN TOO! WAAAAAAAAH! IT'S MY FIC, YOU BIG MEANIE!
A girl with dazzling green eyes that seem to look right through you: Can me and my loyal pet phoenix sit here?
Harry: I love you, even though you're my sister. I don't know that. Neither did Luke.
A girl now with blue eyes because she's magical and her eyes can change colors: I take that as I 'yes'?
Blaise cameo: Oooh, you're pretty. Let's have sex.
A girl with long flowing black hair: No, because you're a dirty slytherin and a slytherin killed my parents!
Harry: I'm a Gryffindor, and my parents were killed by a Slytherin--Voldemort!
A girl with the ability to transform into a wolf, a phoenix, a unicorn and a cow: Wow! You said his name, too! I could say it! Voldemort!
Harry: Voldemort!
A girl who's also the niece of Sirius: Voldemort!
Harry: Voldemort! Now let's move to Alabama and have 7 kids!
The girl: My name is Serenity Mary Patricia Ann Phoenix Hope Light Faith Love Goodness Puppies Serenity The Third! I had a 4.9 average in my schhool!
Hermione: 4.9? The top is 4.0!
Serenity: I know!
[at the school]
Dumbledore: There's a new student at school, even though there's probably new students every year and I never bother to make a point of them. She's an exchange student from AMerica.
Sorting hat: You have all the perfect qualities of every single house. That means you must go to...GRYFFINDOR.
The GRYFFINDOR table applaudse.
Draco: Grr! I want you to be in Slytherin! I love you! I love you so much, I'll change! See? Now I'm good. Who wants flowers?
[unfinished]
;D
Proud member of the Prudish Society of America
