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Post by Charles Vane on Dec 19, 2003 13:02:46 GMT -5
Alright, I went to a funeral today for my friends grandmother. It was a sad thing everyone was crying at the end. My aunt was so upset she just collapsed into me and started crying, I think she knew the woman pretty well. Everyone is hugging each other and talking about going to the see her buried and my mom bounces over saying Goodmorning with a bright smile on her face. And she's not doing this to cheer people up, she's completley oblivious to the fact that everyone is sad. She just talks and smiles forgetting the fact that's in a church because someone died. Then when she leaves to see her get buried She laughs at me and tells me to tape the soaps, I informed her this was a funeral, but she just smiled stupidly at me and left. I guess this just bugged me because it didn't seem liked she cared about anybody else, i can see her wanting to make people happy at this sad time but she can give hugs and nice words not act like shes going out to lunch or something. When my grandparents died she was really sad and somber and I can't imagine what she would think of someone acting like she was today when her parents died. So my question, what do you think is proper funeral behavior? What do you do at funnerals? Or do you just have something in general you would like to say?
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Post by MambaduMal on Dec 19, 2003 17:00:21 GMT -5
It must be terrible to be at a funeral where someone's acting inappropirately... meep I've also always wondered about proper funeral ettiquite... but then again, people are usually too sad to care too much. The thing I hate about funerals is that when I really just need a moment to be quiet and alone or with close friends and family, I end up having to meet a bunch of really distant relatives who remember me from when I was "only so high". It really does turn into a social gathering. I guess funerals can be different, too. The funeral of my ex-governer great-uncle was a lot different than that of my cousin. The former was full of people I didn't know and formalities, the latter was in an outrageously sunny town full of summer cottages. I'll probably most more when I know what to say... or there's some hostile counterargument I want to make
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Post by Indistinguishable Blob on Dec 19, 2003 17:08:39 GMT -5
Hum...the last funeral I went to was the one for my friend Jaimie's mom, Carol. It was really odd...I was crying a lot and I didn't say much-I usually don't. I didn't really make any funeral faux paus (I know I spelt that incorrectly. Drat. Probably the wrong phrase too...), but at her wake... It was really weird. I was the first one in the group to start crying (other than Jaimie, of course) and then someone told a joke and I laughed really really loudly. Got a few odd looks. I really didn't mean to be disrespectful, but it was a really funny joke...Um...I've forgotten if I'm on topic still or not, and I'm too lazy to look... Anyway...yeah, I agree with Lauren-must have been horrible having to be with your mom being all chipper at the funeral
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Post by Peppermint on Dec 19, 2003 19:35:02 GMT -5
Actually, I have a great-aunt who, at her own child's funeral, was acting all happy and perky. We think she'd drugged herself, and Mom said it was the most unnatural thing she'd ever seen.
But. My mom's best friend just lost her 13 year old son in a hunting accident. Sure, she's been massively sad, but she's not broken down. She can carry on and talk about him, you know, and she doesn't really have a problem talking about...oh, getting his death certificate, or ordering his tombstone. And I think what she's doing is the best anyone can do . Concentrate on the happy times someone had, and don't focus on how sad you are that they're gone. Rather selfish, don't you think?
My great uncle died of cancer a few years back. I didn't go to his funeral, because I was pretty young and it was like a seven hour drive, but when mom came back she said that even though this sounds wierd, that was actually a nice funeral. Uncle Hank went to a nondenominational church, so they didn't really have a proper funeral, but really what everyone did was just got up and told a story about him and his life. Some were funny, some were sad, but it was just a really good tribute to his life. And that's how I think people should act at a funeral.
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Post by Amphagorey on Dec 19, 2003 23:09:36 GMT -5
Maybe your mom was trying to act happy, so she could just try to suppress her grief. It happens. And you almost spelled faux pas right Aurora, you need to drop the u in pas. Well, enough correcting grammer, I'm gonna go sleep! WINTER BREAK!
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Post by Charles Vane on Dec 19, 2003 23:53:29 GMT -5
I think at funerals theres a time to be sad and in like a quiet rembrance of the person who died. So you would be quiter during the funeral and after at the gravesite. Then be happier after the funeral at the lunch they usually have afterwards. that's when people can catch up and make chit chat. At the wake I actually had a good time which sounds really weird. Afterwards when a lot of the people left we took our friend aside and just joked around and had a good time. Because that was after the sad part of the night and it kept our friend in a good mood. From a few of the comments my mom made to me after she got home, I think she kind of got desensitizes(?) to it. She started singing in the funeral choir so she's been to a few and its not as big a deal as it was before. Actually, I have a great-aunt who, at her own child's funeral, was acting all happy and perky. We think she'd drugged herself, and Mom said it was the most unnatural thing she'd ever seen. Wow I would not be able to imagine that. I mean I can see someone wanting to be cheery like in an attempt to get through it, but not just acting like everything is ok.. because it isn't. And I know a woman who's husband died in a motorcycle accident, he had two kids, one of them was around 2 years old, it was very devastating. But she did the funeral as a celebration to his life, so it was like a happier memories in a sadder time. I think you should go with whatever the families doing. Like if they are being sad you should respect that and if they're being alright and happier then you should try to not to act sad for their sake. But if their crying thier eyes out you shouldn't stand there smiling like an idiot. You have to respect the feelings of whoever knew the deceased best.
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Post by Tay Sachs on Dec 20, 2003 0:12:18 GMT -5
I went to a funeral for a friend of mine where there was a woman (a friend of her mother's) who was being positively mannerless. She was hovering around her friend's mom, wouldn't let her be alone to say goodbye at the viewing, when people went up to the casket and knelt by it she would stand right behind them. My rule of thumb for funerals is come dressed appropriately and don't speak until you're spoken to.
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Post by Amphagorey on Dec 20, 2003 14:03:24 GMT -5
Hav eany of you been to an open casket funeral? My grandpas was two summers ago, and we had an open casket. It was really unsettling.
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Post by Charles Vane on Dec 20, 2003 14:33:34 GMT -5
Well they have the open casket at wakes.. yeah it's kinda distrubing just seeing someone lying there like that.. I dont think I've ever been at a open casket funeral though. I can't even remember my grandmas funeral and it was just a few years ago.
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Post by IsadoraQ on Dec 20, 2003 14:44:26 GMT -5
I personally find it a little fake to wear black at a funeral...you can't be too greived if you can still riffle through your closet trying to find something black....
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tishbirdie
Reptile Researcher
everything fades with time
Posts: 20
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Post by tishbirdie on Dec 20, 2003 19:54:59 GMT -5
First wake I ever went to was open-casket, and yes, it was rather creepy.
I think black is good to wear to a funeral, as it shows you care enough about the person or the person's family not to show up in bright colors that kinda mock the situation. Anything dark or formal-ish is fine.
Funerals, while they are sad occasions and it's fine to cry and be sad at them, are meant to be a tribute to the person's life, pretty much. All the ones I've been to (3...wakes, at least. never saw anyone actually be put in the ground) have tried to keep it postive, and remember the person as they were, not as they were when close to death and such. It's ok to be happy, but don't over do it...
Wow, that turned into a lecture. Way to start off my new life on this board...
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Post by Tay Sachs on Dec 20, 2003 20:54:42 GMT -5
open casket to me, depends on the skill of the mortician involved. Sorry, but it's true. A really good undertaker can do wonders, but...I think it's innapropriate to have an open casket if it is clear there is something markedly messed up about the body (ie, accident, bad emabliming)
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tishbirdie
Reptile Researcher
everything fades with time
Posts: 20
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Post by tishbirdie on Dec 20, 2003 21:01:11 GMT -5
True. My sister had to do an essay on a paper about the art of being a mortician. It was...interesting. The paper reminded me of handler's writing, actually.
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Post by Peppermint on Dec 20, 2003 22:05:44 GMT -5
The last open-casket thing I've been to was for my kindergarden teacher. How's that for depressing.
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Post by Zeller on Dec 23, 2003 0:23:25 GMT -5
I think most of what you wear or do at a funeral (conciously or subconsciously) depends on how close you are to the decseased. The last funeral i went to was my great grandmother's, about a month ago, and i had no idea how to act. My mother was very close to her, but I saw her maybe 5 times. All of my cousins knew her becasue they live near there and visit a lot, so i felt really akward. Later, my parents were furious with me because i was sitting apart and not hugging or talking to anyone. I treated it more like a reflection on everything that I beleived, and not as a social gathering and was grounded for it. You can't be expected to embrace faces you've never touched before. Nobody's somber at our funerals. Just me, because that's how i am 50% of my time.
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