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Post by Jacques Snicket on Aug 22, 2009 15:38:20 GMT -5
Thanks. ------------------------------------------ From the Desk of Eltaan Renefeso
Dear J,
I hope you will be pleased to know that our organization is commissioning a submarine based upon your marvelous seven works that have saved us more than once in the course of the worsening schism. It is to be named the Albus Dumbledore in honor of your delightful and noble Headmaster of Hogwarts School of Witchcraft and Wizardry. And the uniforms, accordingly, shall bear your face upon the front, grouping you with such classics as Wodehouse, Melville, Poe, Shakespeare, Blake, and Proust. I also hope that you are faring well and that you win that dismal court case. At least we can be secure in the knowledge that you are alive and well and not dead, but I cannot say the same for Jacques Snicket, for he had perished in the Village of Fowl Devotees while attempting to find those Baudelaire children.
The world is quiet here, Eltaan Renefeso
Eltaan Renefeso
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TO: J.S. FROM: XXXXXXXX
IT IS URGENT THAT YOU REPLY STOP. OUR ENEMIES AND THEIR ASSOCIATES ARE SABOTAGING OUR COMMUNICATIONS STOP. I HAVE NOT RECEIVED ANY VOLUNTEER FACTUAL DISPATCHES SINCE OUR MOUNTAIN HEADQUARTERS BURNED DOWN STOP. THE THREE BAUDELAIRE ORPHANS ARE WITH CAPTAIN WIDDERSHINS AND ARE HEADING FOR THE HXXXXXXXXXXXXXXX I HAVE BEEN NOTIFIED THIS BY Q AND WE WILL MEET AT THE APPOINTED LOCATION AT THE VINEYARD OF FRAGRANT GRAPES STOP.
The reason why the Volunteer Factual Dispatches weren't reaching their destinations conveniently coincides with the chopping down of telephone poles along Rarely Ridden Road. The Baudelaires and Widdershins, I learned much later after I had seen this telegram, did not head for the Hotel Denouement immediately but searched for what I've been told is a sugar bowl. Whether the bowl was the one on the left-hand corner of the topmost shelf within the study of my childhood home or if it's of no importance whatsoever, as there are many bowls which fit this description, I believe that its contents are none other than photographs rolled up into very small rolls, which will be incontrovertible evidence if it is ever submitted for the Hotel Denouement trial which will occur in a few days. - E.R.
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(clock bell rings)
DAN: Quigley! How are you doing today?
QUIGLEY: Great. I'm in a quagmire here. Can you help me?
DAN: Yes, old sport, yes. Is everything alright? You seem pale.
QUIGLEY: No, Daniel, I'm awfully dead inside—
A lightbulb salesman handed me this fragment of a page of a screenplay of a film directed by Monty Kensicle, who is rumored to live in the braes of the Hinterlands, if I'm not much mistaken. I can hear the crickets chirping madly behind me as I sit at a window table inside the place in The City where they serve root beer floats, and also serves as a café at alternating hours in the morning and afternoon. - E.R.
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Post by Emma “Emmz” Squalor on Aug 22, 2009 16:19:59 GMT -5
I'll admit I laughed during the reference to Harry Potter (I never would have guessed that J was from another universe). It was very clever of you to throw it in there.
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Post by melon head. on Aug 22, 2009 20:17:44 GMT -5
Very confusing but good.
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Post by Jacques Snicket on Aug 24, 2009 17:55:30 GMT -5
Just got back from school a while ago (that while being precisely 4:35 pm). Post more later.
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Post by Hermes on Aug 25, 2009 13:31:56 GMT -5
Excellent still! (And if Kornbluth, Nabokov, Cleary, etc. exist within the world of Lemony Snicket, why not Rowling?) Sad to hear that Quigley is dead, though - unless that it a red herring.
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Post by Jacques Snicket on Aug 25, 2009 18:11:51 GMT -5
This appears to be an ill-guided, dreadful attempt at glorifying the fire-starting machinations of our enemies:
Count Olaf doesn't feel pain; pain feels Count Olaf.
The chief export of Count Olaf is arson. And pain. But mostly pain.
Count Olaf never wears a watch, HE decides what time it is.
Count Olaf: Most Handsome Man in the World. Why? Because he said so.
There is no forehead behind Count Olaf's unibrow. There is only another fire.
Count Olaf does not sleep; he burns.
If you spell 'Count Olaf' wrong, Count Olaf will find you and light you on fire.
Count Olaf had a bridge named after him. But the bridge had to be destroyed because of so many people dying on it. Nobody crosses Count Olaf and lives.
This list is, for all nefarious and absurd intents and purposes, incomplete. I can only assume that the writer of this hackneyed piece has no life. - E.R.
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E,
I have received your letter concerning the acquaintance of that mysterious doorman lounging about on 667 Dark Avenue. He has been known to smuggle crates of Very Fancy Doilies onto waiting horse-drawn carriages in the Finance District of The City. The crates seem to contain various heavy objects cushioned by the doilies, which makes for an optimal package mailing service. The intent on delivering those crates I can only surmise. About a year ago a man named Jxxxxx Sxxxxxx attended a meeting at a green mansion with the insignia of our organization carved above the finely carved front doors. He possessed on his person a packet of papers all done up with string. Handing it to an elegantly dressed woman he began to speak about his life, what he thinks is his life, or somebody else's life altogether. From then on, I could only guess at the true intentions and destination of that methodically, voluntarily, and occupationally reticent man. J has warned us through her works that the Prospero is setting sail from Hazy Harbor to meet up with the lone survivor of a submarine attack who is currently within a certain bathyscaphe once owned by the great-grandfather of a sub-sub librarian many years ago.
With all due respect,
A. Baudelaire
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Cast List of He Who Hesitates Is Lost!:
Cpt. Baudelaire -- Count Olaf Georgina Setnick -- Esmé xxxxxxxxxxx Marlow the Fireman -- O. Lucafont (Fernald Widdershins) Justice Sarantes -- Flacutono Myranda Toptree -- Tocuna Justice Sylvias -- Flo Great Scot -- Person of Indeterminate Gender ("Orlando") Editor-in-Chief of Another Publication -- Eleanora Poe, Editor-in-Chief of The Daily Punctilio C. M. Kornbluth -- Al Funcoot (the Great Playwright) Jacques Snicket -- Arthur Poe
THEATRICAL TRANSCRIPT —— Pge 1.
The curtain rises against a background/backdrop of the interior of a submarine, the Calypso. CAPTAIN BAUDELAIRE stands aghast at the sonar screen.
CPT. BAUDELAIRE: Avast! Something on the screen! I must not hesitate to discover this new force of the world, for He Who Hesitates Is Lost! Where is my first mate? Aye!
[insert low-budget shadow puppetry behind the sonar "screen"]
FIRST MATE: Right o'er here, sir.
The FIRST MATE rushes to BAUDELAIRE'S side and waits for orders.
CPT. BAUDELAIRE: Young pirate, I have seen many things during my days as a submarine captain, but none such as vile as this! For the figment on the sonar screen is a terrible sea serpent. We must fend it off with no hesitation! Aye!
FIRST MATE: O so dark the sea and sky, captain…
CPT. BAUDELAIRE: What did you call me? Pray tell?
FIRST MATE: I called you nothing, o captain, my captain! Aye?
CPT. BAUDELAIRE stares down the FIRST MATE with unfeasable rage. BAUDELAIRE draws his sword.
CPT. BAUDELAIRE: Then you will die! Traitorous First Mate! Aye! Daring to besmirch my good name in front of myself. How dare you! You should be ashamed of yourself! The idea!
BAUDELAIRE strikes the FIRST MATE down with his sword. He then heads for a closet to get his diving suit.
CPT. BAUDELAIRE: With this suit I will be able to defeat the wretched sea serpent!
This theatrical production by Al Funcoot and starring Count Olaf is a rather odd play. It is as if it is supposed to be terrible. I wouldn't believe that Olaf and Funcoot (whatever name he might be going by these days) would be so self-deprecating concerning their, I mean, his work. -E.R.
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Post by Emma “Emmz” Squalor on Aug 25, 2009 19:43:09 GMT -5
I loved the double (and equally disturbing) meaning here. ;D
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Post by Hermes on Aug 26, 2009 11:52:40 GMT -5
Mysteriouser and mysteriouser! Lots of interesting stuff here. Tell me, do Captain Baudelaire and C.M. Kornbluth ever appear in the same scene? And are you taking the view that Mr Poe is in league with Olaf?
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Post by Jacques Snicket on Aug 30, 2009 19:17:29 GMT -5
The Paltryville Towne Constitutione
1. Thou shalte not weayre shoes on Thoursdays. Thou shalte weayre shoes on any day of any weeke of any monthe of any yeare if the Ownere of Lucky Smelles Lumbermille permits it.
2. Thou shalte refraine from havinge eye tattoos enywhere on thyne persone, especially the lefte ankle.
3. Thou shalte eate chewinge gumme for every meale whilste you live here.
4. Olde Englishe is stupide. No it is not.
5. Paltryville alwayes refutes othere cities and townes thusley.
6. Williame Shakespeare is a schizophrenic somethinge-or-othere.
7. The Composere is Deade.
8. Freynche reye is nevere a substitute fore beefe and winges.
9. Disregarde this statemente.
10. Absurdity is alwayes a sometimes virtue.
101/2: I don't like to write on Constitutions.
11. I amme a lumberjacke and it is not okaye.
12. To my fellow volunteers: I apologize for my usage of non-Old English, but this is urgent: J will warn us of an impending court trial presided over by The City High Court which she will be attending, whether it will be at the Hotel Denouement or within The City itself we do not know. J has also expressed that she Dost thou wante any bureaucracy-ladene woodechipe-dusty fries withe thate?
I am sorry to report that this is all I could find of this tattered relatively new edition of the Paltryville Town Constitution, which appears to have been ripped out of a large book. - E.R.
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To a Friend:
It has become a concern with me concerning your unnatural concern for the events concerning a spree of arsons concerning an opinion concerning the story of Sweeney Todd: Demon Barber of Fleet Street. Firstly, Mr. Todd was purported to have done his killings inside the upper floor of a pie shop he used as a barber shop. Not a cow-shed as your demented acquaintance has said. The first paragraph of this letter is in code and therefore false and beneath your notice and attention, and I deemed it prudent to confuse any of our enemies and even fellow volunteers, as they do not know of the events between us. Meet me at the Rue de La Fontaine d'Ourglasse. Recite the phrase most commonly known to our associates.
"And thus she weaved great tales profound/ and after all these years they can still astound"
J.K.R.S.
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THE DAILY PUNCTILIO "All The News in Fits Of Print"
BY: J.S.
The JXXXXXXXX Society will be hosting a philosophical masked ball this Thursday at the residence of the Duchess of Winnipeg (who wishes to be named R.). In attendance will be Arthur Poe of Mulctuary Money Management and his family, among other important financial experts of The City. The famous author Jxxxxxxx Xxxxxxxxxxx herself will not attend (though she expresses a fond desire to) due to ramifications of an almost legal nature1. It has also become apparent that the three Baudelaire orphans, who have been wrongly accused of so many crimes, are xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx
xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx
1. This will not do… -E.R.
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HOTEL PRELUDIO TELEGRAM SERVICE
TO: K. FROM: L.S.
MY DEAR SISTER STOP. THE TRIAL IS OVER STOP. THIS REMINDS ME OF MY OWN TRIAL AND SUBSEQUENT DELAYED AND CANCELED EXECUTION STOP. I FEAR THE WORST STOP.
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Post by Emma “Emmz” Squalor on Aug 30, 2009 21:56:59 GMT -5
I enjoyed the Paltryville Town Constitution - especially number eleven. ;D
I also liked the use of Sweeney Todd here, even though I haven't seen it yet.
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Post by Jacques Snicket on Sept 1, 2009 19:47:55 GMT -5
L,
The annual Palace Masquerade Ball is coming up on such short notice. My brother is still searching for that escaped ichthyologist, who is presumably hiding out among the legomaniacal crow-hatted villagers of the Village of Fowl Devotees. H has informed me of a message she has received from a certain sub-sub librarian concerning a shipment of Very Fancy Doilies to be arriving at the Palace in three days' time. It is not the doilies themselves, however, which concern me. It is more as to what those doilies are cushioning and concealing beneath the wooden crates themselves. I have my suspicions that within these crates are important evidence pointing to Widdershins's direct involvement in the Anwhistle Aquatics fire. Also, it may be of your interest to know that Duchess R has purchased a new set of monogrammed napkins for the Ball, I expect.
With all due respect,
J.S.
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The Rules of the Village of Fowle Devotees Firste Conceiv'd in the Yeare of 1693:
Ordnance the Firste: Kill not crowes.
Ordnance the Seconde: Thou arte a fowle devotee, not an idiote.
Ordnance the Thirde: We are not crazie. Really, we arte not.
Ordnance the Fourthe: You seeth a crowe upon the roade, kill the crowe.
Ordnance the Fifthe: All Buddhiste literature is hereforthely bann'd.
Ordnance the Sixthe: Ordnances are hereforthe bann'd.
Ordnance the Sixthe-and-a-Tenthe: Witches and wizardes and warlockes and sorcereres are herewithe bann'd.
Ordnance the Seventhe: All thou desireth is crowe-feede.
Ordnance the Eighthe: Papier-mâchét is badde for thyne healthe.
Ordnance the Ninthe: Burning at the Stake is nowe to be prescribb'd against all whosoe oppose the Wille of the Goode Councille of Elderes.
Ordnance the Tenthe: Deathe to the Eye of V.F.D.!
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To my kind editor,
I am currenty writing to you from atop the highest slope of the non-snowy peaks of the Kierkegaard Mountains. Enclosed is the manuscript to Book the Ninth of A Series of Unfortunate Events, entitled The Carnivorous Carnival. If this manuscript somehow does not reach you, contact the owner of the Hotel Preludio bookshop and tell her that I have discovered the whereabouts of the sugar bowl.
With all due respect,
Lemony Snicket.
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Post by Emma “Emmz” Squalor on Sept 1, 2009 21:32:23 GMT -5
Hmm... I wonder who H could be? I thought it was Hector until the mention of "she". Also, I like how Ordnance the First and Ordnance the Fourthe cancel themselves out.
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Post by melon head. on Sept 2, 2009 5:14:27 GMT -5
This is so good- really addictive. I look forward to reading more.
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Post by Hermes on Sept 2, 2009 11:57:12 GMT -5
Really interesting - I, too, am wondering who this H is.
Yes, 1 and 4 cancel out, but 5 then cancels 4, as it's of Buddhist inspiration, and 6 then tries to cancel everything. Not the most consistent of legal codes, but of course it isn't in canon, either.
And the ban on witches - interesting. Does this link up with JKR, perhaps?
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Post by Jacques Snicket on Sept 5, 2009 15:25:19 GMT -5
Invitation to the Isaac Newton Society of Physics:
To Mr. C. M. Kornbluth, dated October the 4th—
We hereby invite you to preside over the 833rd Tri-Annual Meeting of our Society, seeing as you are already an eminent member of V.F.D. The news of the terrible rent within your well-read community is disheartening to all of us here. We will be discussing the impact of Sir Newton's calculus upon the theatrical and dramatic sections of society.
With all due respect,
Hypatia Baudelaire, Scholar Immeritus
C. M. Kornbluth was, my sources inform me, aged thirteen when he received this invitation letter from the last organization known to have publicly defended V.F.D. before the schism grew more worse over the harrowing years following Mr. Kornbluth's lecture on the alternating levers of a qautri-gauge water purefier. - E.R.
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Olaf,
I am sorry to inform you that your parents have been murdered. We have known since a month ago that the volunteers had been planning to assassinate your mother and father. We know that it was Beatrice and Bertrand Baudelaire who fired those poison darts right in the middle of the middle act of La Forza del Destino. We hope you are feeling well.
In all sincerety,
Jxxxxxx Sxxxxxxxx
Though the letter-writer was more or less recounting the truth of that fateful night at the opera to soon-to-be Count Olaf, the Baudelaire parents in actuality never even had the chance to fire the darts. The villains had Olaf's parents assassinated to replace them with their own leaders, namely a man with a beard but no hair, and a woman with hair but no beard. - E.R.
-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- A Series of Unfortunate Events
A woman, newly arrived to the island (can't remember her name) has been rocking the boat in my island community. She keeps on arguing that reading is good for you and that you should question authority. I wouldn't force her, but she'd have to choose between either joining us and abandoning those novels she plans on writing, or abandonment on the coastal shelf before Decision Day arrives. Worst of all, she won't call me Ish. Why won't she call me Ish? I find this whole situation to be somewhat absurd.
It appears that J did indeed somehow wind up on the island Count Olaf referred to as "Olaf-Land" via Mr. Snicket's investigations on the dreadful count and the Baudelaire orphans. I suspect the machinations of the F.F.P. working jointly with the O.F.D. is what drove her to the colony. - E.R.
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