Post by A. the Returned on Mar 12, 2006 3:41:48 GMT -5
I'm posting because Akbar's computer won't let him.
Editor : Akbar Le Grey.
Columnists: PJ, Linda, une femme auteur anonyme, Skeleton Key, Robert, Luis.
----------------------------------------------------
IN MEMORIAM – FATHER COW[/b][/size]
Father Cow, or Shobie as you liked me calling you, I shall miss you dearly and I know no words I write will bring you back to us. I loved you beyond comparison, but now you're in the great udders in the sky with Big Papa Cow. I just want you to know... You weren't just an animal to me. You were Grade A beef.
-Luis.
-----------------------------------------------------
Linda’s Rant.
Here I am again, doing a second rant. This week’s had, in my opinion, a lot more going on than last week did. Or maybe I was just looking too hard for rant topics and it just seemed that way. Either way, I definitely think there’ll be plenty of material for a rant.
One thing that’s really bugged me this week is the whole ‘Orphaned Hope war’, as it’s turning out to be. It’s extremely annoying, and any good that it may have accomplished has already been done. How long has it been going on now, three weeks? It’s really getting old.
But it wouldn’t be so bad if it was actually restricted to the threads dedicated to the ‘war’. The thing that’s annoyed me the most is when people, mostly Orphaned Hope but others as well, bring up the subject in a completely unrelated topic. It mostly seems to be centered on her complaining about how everyone hates her, and poor picked on her. It really ticked me off when she invaded my 667 Award thread. At least it seems to be, if not over, at least under control.
Oh, this reminds me. By the time this is published, the nomination time will be just about over, but more nominations would really be appreciated. Thanks to all the people who’ve participated in this and don’t forget to vote when the time comes! And thanks to Dupin for all the help he’s been. [/blatant advertising]
Next topic: the light saber spoons. Actually, I’ve liked the whole spoon episode, with the epic struggle between Dave and Jessie and the various 667ers that support them. I’m not sure who Jessie is, but whoever it is brought some excitement to the forum, which is nearly always good. But then it started to get out of hand. The Norwegian Sir Goodwin, or whatever his name was, went a bit over the top, and Greta was just saccharinely (is that even a word?) annoying. And that new member, Sabriel or klaus14 or whatever she’s calling herself, claiming to be the offspring of two spoons was a bit…strange.
And the 667 Superlatives. I think it’s a good idea, but it’s turning out to be full of problems. It happened to occur the same time as the 667 Awards, which was an unfortunate coincidence, but didn’t seem to affect the popularity of either of them. The only thing I can say is if you’re going to do something of this scale, at 667 or anywhere else, plan it thoroughly. This also applies to the various small contests and game shows which popped up around the same time 667 Big Brother was getting started. The ones that had been planned carefully and had effort put into them survived, and the rest died. And when one competition dies, it gives a bad name to all of them.
Oh, and you 667 columnists need to write. That’ll make a great topic for next week’s rant, but I have a feeling that you guys won’t appreciate it. So write!
So, now that I’ve gone completely off the point that I was originally going to make with this rant to the point that I can’t even remember it, I figure I’d better stop.
-Linda
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------
--------------------------------------------------------------------
The Subjective Flaneur
By A Member
"Watching you, so you don't have to do it yourself."
Firstly, I apologize for any parts of this column that are extremely outdated. Everything worth writing about seems to happen about half a day after The 667er has been posted, too late for it to have been included in the current issue, but out of date by the time the next issue is written. Probably something to do with sunspots. Also, BSam seems to like being mentioned in the newspaper. There, done.
It seems that complaining about things in these 667er articles is a reasonable way of getting Tragedy to deal with those things. My fellow columnist PJ recently ranted about Tragedy's inaction in choosing new Detriment Deleters, and a new one was chosen--indeed, PJ himself. He seems promising. And Disturbing Discussion is now open to the general, lousy-at-guessing-passwords public. (For those who couldn't guess the password at all: Don't feel too bad. I had to blackmail someone with hilariously Photoshopped baby pictures of them (which I still have, so keep quiet) to acquire it.) I feel compelled to insert subliminal messages for Tragedy in the middle of long paragraphs, just to see what happens.
Lady Poe has been appointed(or reappointed) moderator of Ghastly Games. I'm sure she'll do well, with her experience in that field. It seems she's still not allowed into the moderators' secret forum (where the 1337(pronounced "elite"; there are far fewer than thirteen hundred and thirty-seven mods) moderators who can get in are no doubt talking about me behind my back even as I write this), but at least she can record any warnings and strikes she hands out in the formal Hall of Records, rather than a makeshift one that relatively few are likely to see. On that note, I'm proud to announce that I've been at this forum and others for some months and remained utterly strikeless. I suppose I haven't posted anything objectionable.
It's always interesting to watch Setnick and Robert and others argue with people whom a person with my delicate sensibilities would prefer to describe as, ahem, "post-women of easy virtue". Or possibly just "n00bs"(pronounced "n'zero-zerobs"), who think that their four-digit post counts render them less n00by. It should be noted that having 4000-some-odd posts consisting of little more than "Yes." or "That's cool." or "" does not make one more of a respected member, and neither does picking fights with people who criticize your posting in that manner, though the latter sometimes makes for fairly good lurker entertainment. [Note to Tragedy: It may be best to find a new MMisc moderator] If you must attempt to make 60 posts in as many minutes, please, think of the lurkers. Put some content into your posts, express yourself. If you are unable to express yourself with more than 5 words--smileys do not count as words-- per post, or refute arguments with anything more comprehensive than "wrong", lurkers will judge you on that, as will less taciturn readers. And in my defense, I think I am getting my message across to all you post-, ahem, strumpets more politely than your less covert critics do.
As various people have noted, it's often funny when people who are fairly n00bish--even if their post counts reach into the thousands--call others n00bs or idiots. It's also funny when they set up adoption systems for newcomers, as if anyone just arriving at the forum is a stray puppy or a hermit crab rather than someone probably more intelligent than them. Or when they complain about being nominated for Worst Member in an awards show that has no such category (and looks far better-planned than the one that does, I might add. I might also add that no one seems to think this awards thread worth stickying, while the other one has been). Or when they take pompous stands against people who mock them, making dozens of threads and even badly formatted websites in some kind of attempt to find social justice, an attempt which only adds fuel to the flamewars. [Tragedy: you should do a better job of recording all the strikes you claim to give people. Several members, and one of the mods ought to be banned several times over with all the strikes you've supposedly given them.] And per Godwin's Law, they compare their detractors to Hilter and/or Nazis. (Does Stalin ever get any attention in flamewars? I'm sure that even as he lies enchained and wailing in the depths of Hell, he vaguely wonders if people ever compare their messageboard enemies to him.)
There's been an odd trend among the newcomers, though; they're mostly posting in MMisc rather than the Books sections. I've been under the impression that most people first come to this forum for Lemony Snicket discussion, but apparently some of them simply seek out forums at random for a place to make random polls, call people idiots, describe a procedure for annoying people, or pretend they're using AIM or EIEIO or some such thing. [Tragedy: Bark like a seal and do a backflip] Or they just find they've little to say on the matter of the Series, regardless of how much they like it. Perhaps it's better that way, with less clutter and offtopicness in BBooks, where that sort of thing is forbidden (one of the mods seems rather...Stalinistic, really). On that note, I see that someone who apparently spammed that forum repeatedly has been deleted, and nobody who seems like him has reregistered. Good to see Tragedy apparently banning people with some success.
In happier news, Alice and Akbar have gotten e-married. Very sweet. And it should give the makers of the increasingly complicated and tangled 667 family trees lots to think about. I like to think that in the 667 family tree, I am a bird perched on a high branch, constantly watching from some distance. (And I do look rather like a small game bird, which is why I habitually decline all invitations to hunting trips, and why I cut class the day the Vice President came to speak at my school.) With this, I conclude this week's column.
------------------------------------------------------------
Interview Of The Week.[/u]
Member Interview of the Week
PJ’s Interview - Luis
Today in the studio we have Luis, also known as Ron Weasley.
PJ: So, Luis, if that is your real name, why do you call yourself Ron Weasley?
Luis: Ah, well the short story is my girlfriend thought that even though I used to be called Harry by classmates, I was more like Ron and I just decided to change my profile from Quigley Quagmire to Ron Weasley and it kinda stuck.
PJ: Oh. Right-o. Hobbies?
Luis: Um, reading mostly. And collecting any strange thing I can get my hands on
PJ: Like?
Luis: Well, like expired things you get in bag of chips saying "You have until so-so 2003 to reclaim". Or nazi coins. Anything . XD
PJ: D:
PJ: Ok, ok, would you say you have a lot of friends on 667?
Luis: More or less.
I only talk to, like, 7 or 8
PJ: So how important is 667 in comparison to your real life? More, or less? The same?
Luis: It's important, since I've met people here who have showed me great things. Derik mostly. It's important, but I know I could go without it.
PJ: Heh. So how long have you been here, exactly?
Luis: May 12, 2005 according to my Account Activation email.
I never lurked or anything
PJ: LURKER!!!
Also, Luis, this is newspaper. Act crazy and stuff, so people will think "What a WacKY and interesting Article!"
I mean...uh...is there anyone you hate on 667?
Like, someone who you can't stand, or even mildly dislike?
Luis:I hate Mr. Poe because he beat me at 667 Big Brother ;-;
*kick*
PJ: Yes, Poe is a stupid idiot and deserves to die.
PJ: Would you ever consider doing something zany, like creating a false account and pretending to be, say, Hitler or something?
Luis: *takes notes*
I mean…uh…yeah. D:
PJ: D:
Uh...is there anything you'd like to say to the readers?
Luis: ...Hi, I can't believe you're still reading this, you must be bored out of your mind.
PJ: Yeah, we should have given you drugs or something beforehand.
Uh, in your opinion, is 667 getting better, or worse?
Luis: I have to admit, it's getting better *sing* It's better caaaaaause there are more really cool member-bashings by Robert and contests and stuff.
PJ: Heh.
PJ: Which 667er would you like to do?
Actually, don't answer that. It's not allowed.
Luis: It's a tie between PJ and Derik
PJ: OMGS.
I mean, sure, ok. It HAS to be included now.
Perik!
Eh, so you recently got married to Linda. How's that working?
Luis: Hah, we recently got back from our honeymoon. Or not. We talk very little ;-;
If we have a honeymoon, you'll be invited XD
PJ:So you do...other things?
Than talking?
Or does Linda just ignore you, now that she owns your wallet?
Luis: She doesn't take care of our child and she's a drunk a- I'm confusing this with Missing.
PJ:And dear readers, we need to put smut in, cos this is a newspaper. A newspaper without smut is just literature. Add smut, and it's officially news.
Well, that about raps up this interview.
Luis: Rap? D:
PJ: *rapes*
Anything lewd or note-worth you'd like to say?
Luis: Of course *PJ rape* That is all. Shall we go PJ?
PJ: Yes, we shall.
Also, if this interview turns out completely different from what we've discussed, blame Akbar. He's always editing articles for his own, evil, evil needs.
GOODBYE, AND GOOD NIGHT.
*throws smoke bomb on the ground, and disappears*
Luis: This interview is silly.
And THERE YOU HAVE IT. An interview. With Luis. BOOM.
Also,
Read my latest story, The Wandering Jew!
And,
Read my other, new story, called “This link doesn’t exalt PJ”. Really.
-PJ.
------------------------------------------------------------------
Things You Ought To Know Lest You Evaporate
By our aSoUe Correspondent, Gretchen.
Welcome to the first article of "Things You Ought To Know Lest You Evaporate" I think that the first thing you ought to know lest you evaporate, is why you would evaporate if you didn't know this stuff.
Let's talk about anatomy. The average person's body is composed of 80% water. So, I'd assume if your water level got low enough you'd evaporate. Now, while this percentage is true for humans, the average ASoUE fan's body is composed out of 29% woe, 50% knowledge, and 1% the unpleasant things you find under various objects.
So, in theory, since humans evaporate if their water level gets low enough, ASoUE fans evaporate if their woe, knowledge, and unpleasant things you find under various objects levels get low enough. If that's true, reading this article will save you from imminent evaporation by filling you with woe, supplying you with information, and inspiring you to lift up various objects and investigate the craters that they left behind.
Next on our list: What the pitchfork is up with Klaus' hair? It looks like a mustache! Well, I imagine it went something like this:
Mrs. Baudelaire: Shoot, all the barber shops are closed.
Mr. Baudelaire: Don't worry; I'll give Klaus a haircut.
Mrs. Baudelaire: But you've only ever cut and styled your mustache.
Mr. Baudelaire: Hair is hair.
And Klaus' hair never grew out due to a medical disorder brought on by utter and complete mortification.
Lastly: Let's face it. Orphans have worms. Why do they have worms, you may ask? Let's talk about anatomy again.
The worms, appropriately named "Cakesniffer Worms", live in cysts in our bodies. The cysts disappear once we reach adulthood, but if something happens to set them off in childhood, the orphan in question could be in gastronomical agony for life. This something is the death of both parents, or the death of a single parent after the other has previously passed on.
How do we get rid of these worms? The only cure is a de-worming operation, a grueling procedure involving thumbtacks, absinthe, tea, and a croquet mallet. Not only is this both physically and emotionally draining for said orphan, it's very expensive to perform. Fortunately, if you sign the petition at the URL given below, you'll put us one step closer to sending Violet in for her de-worming. We already have quite a lot of signatures from a party I went to, and some off of the internet. We only need a few more signatures until Violet is on the road to recovery!
www.blogger.com/comment.g?blogID=22525765&postID=114022475423750277
Grimly,
Gretchen
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Storia del Roberto.
(Translated (rather badly, if I do say so myself) from the original Italian)
I do not come from its country, but I make of the observations of it. This is mainly because I have to drip of urine down my leg and takes really, really warm. For this reason, I have chosen to kill its President, for me scares. I do not love to be scared. The more Italian persons hate being scared, because they are often much timid and afraid. This is because many small have of the genitals them. The Heh, the sounds of genita love them one Italian word without must also be translate... Cosí, when they have arrived in its gracile country, I have massacred at first of the migliaia of persons, and have defecated then on their corpses, that it has lead to much turning out ilarità. While I have made the polka on the corpse of a small child from its country, the local authorities have begun launch the water-melons to me, therefore they I have killed also. Apparently, the genocidio of mass he is illegal in its country, therefore I have launch on six mila pigs. This has not made any sense, therefore I the blow mine in the face and is returned like an old crostoso hippy name Jesus. This is pronounced "the EHI-ZEUS." Therefore then I have met an pleasant man from the name of Moses, therefore I have eaten its children and rice. Me it has watched funny and asked, "Because for it has made it it eats my children" I have watched and sweetly said, "Because it smells like the tofu." we have danced then until the dawn breach and has eaten many children, many above all orphaned, because nobody the orphans of loves. After that that, I have schiaffeggiato Moses in the face. Me it has given a rooster has watched the glance and saying, "She goes to die dead women terribly." And then me pugnalato in the face, therefore I have perforated it in the thoracic cage. He spontaneously the combusted, and I have laughed. I have laughed hard. Therefore hard that I have defecated an orphan. It was a lot, many gradevole. The next time that we meet, I make regal she with more impressive history from my life. Until, it has a FIRE ORRIBILE then, ORRIBILE DEAD WOMEN WALK.
-Roberto, our Italian Correspondent.
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Editor : Akbar Le Grey.
Columnists: PJ, Linda, une femme auteur anonyme, Skeleton Key, Robert, Luis.
----------------------------------------------------
IN MEMORIAM – FATHER COW[/b][/size]
Father Cow, or Shobie as you liked me calling you, I shall miss you dearly and I know no words I write will bring you back to us. I loved you beyond comparison, but now you're in the great udders in the sky with Big Papa Cow. I just want you to know... You weren't just an animal to me. You were Grade A beef.
-Luis.
-----------------------------------------------------
Linda’s Rant.
Here I am again, doing a second rant. This week’s had, in my opinion, a lot more going on than last week did. Or maybe I was just looking too hard for rant topics and it just seemed that way. Either way, I definitely think there’ll be plenty of material for a rant.
One thing that’s really bugged me this week is the whole ‘Orphaned Hope war’, as it’s turning out to be. It’s extremely annoying, and any good that it may have accomplished has already been done. How long has it been going on now, three weeks? It’s really getting old.
But it wouldn’t be so bad if it was actually restricted to the threads dedicated to the ‘war’. The thing that’s annoyed me the most is when people, mostly Orphaned Hope but others as well, bring up the subject in a completely unrelated topic. It mostly seems to be centered on her complaining about how everyone hates her, and poor picked on her. It really ticked me off when she invaded my 667 Award thread. At least it seems to be, if not over, at least under control.
Oh, this reminds me. By the time this is published, the nomination time will be just about over, but more nominations would really be appreciated. Thanks to all the people who’ve participated in this and don’t forget to vote when the time comes! And thanks to Dupin for all the help he’s been. [/blatant advertising]
Next topic: the light saber spoons. Actually, I’ve liked the whole spoon episode, with the epic struggle between Dave and Jessie and the various 667ers that support them. I’m not sure who Jessie is, but whoever it is brought some excitement to the forum, which is nearly always good. But then it started to get out of hand. The Norwegian Sir Goodwin, or whatever his name was, went a bit over the top, and Greta was just saccharinely (is that even a word?) annoying. And that new member, Sabriel or klaus14 or whatever she’s calling herself, claiming to be the offspring of two spoons was a bit…strange.
And the 667 Superlatives. I think it’s a good idea, but it’s turning out to be full of problems. It happened to occur the same time as the 667 Awards, which was an unfortunate coincidence, but didn’t seem to affect the popularity of either of them. The only thing I can say is if you’re going to do something of this scale, at 667 or anywhere else, plan it thoroughly. This also applies to the various small contests and game shows which popped up around the same time 667 Big Brother was getting started. The ones that had been planned carefully and had effort put into them survived, and the rest died. And when one competition dies, it gives a bad name to all of them.
Oh, and you 667 columnists need to write. That’ll make a great topic for next week’s rant, but I have a feeling that you guys won’t appreciate it. So write!
So, now that I’ve gone completely off the point that I was originally going to make with this rant to the point that I can’t even remember it, I figure I’d better stop.
-Linda
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------
--------------------------------------------------------------------
The Subjective Flaneur
By A Member
"Watching you, so you don't have to do it yourself."
Firstly, I apologize for any parts of this column that are extremely outdated. Everything worth writing about seems to happen about half a day after The 667er has been posted, too late for it to have been included in the current issue, but out of date by the time the next issue is written. Probably something to do with sunspots. Also, BSam seems to like being mentioned in the newspaper. There, done.
It seems that complaining about things in these 667er articles is a reasonable way of getting Tragedy to deal with those things. My fellow columnist PJ recently ranted about Tragedy's inaction in choosing new Detriment Deleters, and a new one was chosen--indeed, PJ himself. He seems promising. And Disturbing Discussion is now open to the general, lousy-at-guessing-passwords public. (For those who couldn't guess the password at all: Don't feel too bad. I had to blackmail someone with hilariously Photoshopped baby pictures of them (which I still have, so keep quiet) to acquire it.) I feel compelled to insert subliminal messages for Tragedy in the middle of long paragraphs, just to see what happens.
Lady Poe has been appointed(or reappointed) moderator of Ghastly Games. I'm sure she'll do well, with her experience in that field. It seems she's still not allowed into the moderators' secret forum (where the 1337(pronounced "elite"; there are far fewer than thirteen hundred and thirty-seven mods) moderators who can get in are no doubt talking about me behind my back even as I write this), but at least she can record any warnings and strikes she hands out in the formal Hall of Records, rather than a makeshift one that relatively few are likely to see. On that note, I'm proud to announce that I've been at this forum and others for some months and remained utterly strikeless. I suppose I haven't posted anything objectionable.
It's always interesting to watch Setnick and Robert and others argue with people whom a person with my delicate sensibilities would prefer to describe as, ahem, "post-women of easy virtue". Or possibly just "n00bs"(pronounced "n'zero-zerobs"), who think that their four-digit post counts render them less n00by. It should be noted that having 4000-some-odd posts consisting of little more than "Yes." or "That's cool." or "" does not make one more of a respected member, and neither does picking fights with people who criticize your posting in that manner, though the latter sometimes makes for fairly good lurker entertainment. [Note to Tragedy: It may be best to find a new MMisc moderator] If you must attempt to make 60 posts in as many minutes, please, think of the lurkers. Put some content into your posts, express yourself. If you are unable to express yourself with more than 5 words--smileys do not count as words-- per post, or refute arguments with anything more comprehensive than "wrong", lurkers will judge you on that, as will less taciturn readers. And in my defense, I think I am getting my message across to all you post-, ahem, strumpets more politely than your less covert critics do.
As various people have noted, it's often funny when people who are fairly n00bish--even if their post counts reach into the thousands--call others n00bs or idiots. It's also funny when they set up adoption systems for newcomers, as if anyone just arriving at the forum is a stray puppy or a hermit crab rather than someone probably more intelligent than them. Or when they complain about being nominated for Worst Member in an awards show that has no such category (and looks far better-planned than the one that does, I might add. I might also add that no one seems to think this awards thread worth stickying, while the other one has been). Or when they take pompous stands against people who mock them, making dozens of threads and even badly formatted websites in some kind of attempt to find social justice, an attempt which only adds fuel to the flamewars. [Tragedy: you should do a better job of recording all the strikes you claim to give people. Several members, and one of the mods ought to be banned several times over with all the strikes you've supposedly given them.] And per Godwin's Law, they compare their detractors to Hilter and/or Nazis. (Does Stalin ever get any attention in flamewars? I'm sure that even as he lies enchained and wailing in the depths of Hell, he vaguely wonders if people ever compare their messageboard enemies to him.)
There's been an odd trend among the newcomers, though; they're mostly posting in MMisc rather than the Books sections. I've been under the impression that most people first come to this forum for Lemony Snicket discussion, but apparently some of them simply seek out forums at random for a place to make random polls, call people idiots, describe a procedure for annoying people, or pretend they're using AIM or EIEIO or some such thing. [Tragedy: Bark like a seal and do a backflip] Or they just find they've little to say on the matter of the Series, regardless of how much they like it. Perhaps it's better that way, with less clutter and offtopicness in BBooks, where that sort of thing is forbidden (one of the mods seems rather...Stalinistic, really). On that note, I see that someone who apparently spammed that forum repeatedly has been deleted, and nobody who seems like him has reregistered. Good to see Tragedy apparently banning people with some success.
In happier news, Alice and Akbar have gotten e-married. Very sweet. And it should give the makers of the increasingly complicated and tangled 667 family trees lots to think about. I like to think that in the 667 family tree, I am a bird perched on a high branch, constantly watching from some distance. (And I do look rather like a small game bird, which is why I habitually decline all invitations to hunting trips, and why I cut class the day the Vice President came to speak at my school.) With this, I conclude this week's column.
------------------------------------------------------------
Interview Of The Week.[/u]
Member Interview of the Week
PJ’s Interview - Luis
Today in the studio we have Luis, also known as Ron Weasley.
PJ: So, Luis, if that is your real name, why do you call yourself Ron Weasley?
Luis: Ah, well the short story is my girlfriend thought that even though I used to be called Harry by classmates, I was more like Ron and I just decided to change my profile from Quigley Quagmire to Ron Weasley and it kinda stuck.
PJ: Oh. Right-o. Hobbies?
Luis: Um, reading mostly. And collecting any strange thing I can get my hands on
PJ: Like?
Luis: Well, like expired things you get in bag of chips saying "You have until so-so 2003 to reclaim". Or nazi coins. Anything . XD
PJ: D:
PJ: Ok, ok, would you say you have a lot of friends on 667?
Luis: More or less.
I only talk to, like, 7 or 8
PJ: So how important is 667 in comparison to your real life? More, or less? The same?
Luis: It's important, since I've met people here who have showed me great things. Derik mostly. It's important, but I know I could go without it.
PJ: Heh. So how long have you been here, exactly?
Luis: May 12, 2005 according to my Account Activation email.
I never lurked or anything
PJ: LURKER!!!
Also, Luis, this is newspaper. Act crazy and stuff, so people will think "What a WacKY and interesting Article!"
I mean...uh...is there anyone you hate on 667?
Like, someone who you can't stand, or even mildly dislike?
Luis:I hate Mr. Poe because he beat me at 667 Big Brother ;-;
*kick*
PJ: Yes, Poe is a stupid idiot and deserves to die.
PJ: Would you ever consider doing something zany, like creating a false account and pretending to be, say, Hitler or something?
Luis: *takes notes*
I mean…uh…yeah. D:
PJ: D:
Uh...is there anything you'd like to say to the readers?
Luis: ...Hi, I can't believe you're still reading this, you must be bored out of your mind.
PJ: Yeah, we should have given you drugs or something beforehand.
Uh, in your opinion, is 667 getting better, or worse?
Luis: I have to admit, it's getting better *sing* It's better caaaaaause there are more really cool member-bashings by Robert and contests and stuff.
PJ: Heh.
PJ: Which 667er would you like to do?
Actually, don't answer that. It's not allowed.
Luis: It's a tie between PJ and Derik
PJ: OMGS.
I mean, sure, ok. It HAS to be included now.
Perik!
Eh, so you recently got married to Linda. How's that working?
Luis: Hah, we recently got back from our honeymoon. Or not. We talk very little ;-;
If we have a honeymoon, you'll be invited XD
PJ:So you do...other things?
Than talking?
Or does Linda just ignore you, now that she owns your wallet?
Luis: She doesn't take care of our child and she's a drunk a- I'm confusing this with Missing.
PJ:And dear readers, we need to put smut in, cos this is a newspaper. A newspaper without smut is just literature. Add smut, and it's officially news.
Well, that about raps up this interview.
Luis: Rap? D:
PJ: *rapes*
Anything lewd or note-worth you'd like to say?
Luis: Of course *PJ rape* That is all. Shall we go PJ?
PJ: Yes, we shall.
Also, if this interview turns out completely different from what we've discussed, blame Akbar. He's always editing articles for his own, evil, evil needs.
GOODBYE, AND GOOD NIGHT.
*throws smoke bomb on the ground, and disappears*
Luis: This interview is silly.
And THERE YOU HAVE IT. An interview. With Luis. BOOM.
Also,
Read my latest story, The Wandering Jew!
And,
Read my other, new story, called “This link doesn’t exalt PJ”. Really.
-PJ.
------------------------------------------------------------------
Things You Ought To Know Lest You Evaporate
By our aSoUe Correspondent, Gretchen.
Welcome to the first article of "Things You Ought To Know Lest You Evaporate" I think that the first thing you ought to know lest you evaporate, is why you would evaporate if you didn't know this stuff.
Let's talk about anatomy. The average person's body is composed of 80% water. So, I'd assume if your water level got low enough you'd evaporate. Now, while this percentage is true for humans, the average ASoUE fan's body is composed out of 29% woe, 50% knowledge, and 1% the unpleasant things you find under various objects.
So, in theory, since humans evaporate if their water level gets low enough, ASoUE fans evaporate if their woe, knowledge, and unpleasant things you find under various objects levels get low enough. If that's true, reading this article will save you from imminent evaporation by filling you with woe, supplying you with information, and inspiring you to lift up various objects and investigate the craters that they left behind.
Next on our list: What the pitchfork is up with Klaus' hair? It looks like a mustache! Well, I imagine it went something like this:
Mrs. Baudelaire: Shoot, all the barber shops are closed.
Mr. Baudelaire: Don't worry; I'll give Klaus a haircut.
Mrs. Baudelaire: But you've only ever cut and styled your mustache.
Mr. Baudelaire: Hair is hair.
And Klaus' hair never grew out due to a medical disorder brought on by utter and complete mortification.
Lastly: Let's face it. Orphans have worms. Why do they have worms, you may ask? Let's talk about anatomy again.
The worms, appropriately named "Cakesniffer Worms", live in cysts in our bodies. The cysts disappear once we reach adulthood, but if something happens to set them off in childhood, the orphan in question could be in gastronomical agony for life. This something is the death of both parents, or the death of a single parent after the other has previously passed on.
How do we get rid of these worms? The only cure is a de-worming operation, a grueling procedure involving thumbtacks, absinthe, tea, and a croquet mallet. Not only is this both physically and emotionally draining for said orphan, it's very expensive to perform. Fortunately, if you sign the petition at the URL given below, you'll put us one step closer to sending Violet in for her de-worming. We already have quite a lot of signatures from a party I went to, and some off of the internet. We only need a few more signatures until Violet is on the road to recovery!
www.blogger.com/comment.g?blogID=22525765&postID=114022475423750277
Grimly,
Gretchen
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Storia del Roberto.
(Translated (rather badly, if I do say so myself) from the original Italian)
I do not come from its country, but I make of the observations of it. This is mainly because I have to drip of urine down my leg and takes really, really warm. For this reason, I have chosen to kill its President, for me scares. I do not love to be scared. The more Italian persons hate being scared, because they are often much timid and afraid. This is because many small have of the genitals them. The Heh, the sounds of genita love them one Italian word without must also be translate... Cosí, when they have arrived in its gracile country, I have massacred at first of the migliaia of persons, and have defecated then on their corpses, that it has lead to much turning out ilarità. While I have made the polka on the corpse of a small child from its country, the local authorities have begun launch the water-melons to me, therefore they I have killed also. Apparently, the genocidio of mass he is illegal in its country, therefore I have launch on six mila pigs. This has not made any sense, therefore I the blow mine in the face and is returned like an old crostoso hippy name Jesus. This is pronounced "the EHI-ZEUS." Therefore then I have met an pleasant man from the name of Moses, therefore I have eaten its children and rice. Me it has watched funny and asked, "Because for it has made it it eats my children" I have watched and sweetly said, "Because it smells like the tofu." we have danced then until the dawn breach and has eaten many children, many above all orphaned, because nobody the orphans of loves. After that that, I have schiaffeggiato Moses in the face. Me it has given a rooster has watched the glance and saying, "She goes to die dead women terribly." And then me pugnalato in the face, therefore I have perforated it in the thoracic cage. He spontaneously the combusted, and I have laughed. I have laughed hard. Therefore hard that I have defecated an orphan. It was a lot, many gradevole. The next time that we meet, I make regal she with more impressive history from my life. Until, it has a FIRE ORRIBILE then, ORRIBILE DEAD WOMEN WALK.
-Roberto, our Italian Correspondent.
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