Also, your constant attempts to heap praise, honor, and glory upon yourself are pretty amusing.
I wasn't aware I was doing it. Perhaps you're just used to me being mocked in every other story. *emo*
Chapter Three – Sardonic Series
Lord PJ and his men trudged into the courtyard, wary from their journey, but happy at the prospect of a warm fire and some good food. Sergeant RockSunner and his men returned to the barracks, where they reported that that the n00bs had been dealt with accordingly.
PJ dismounted, and let a stable-hand take away his horse. A random official approached PJ, and informed him that the Duke and his guests were dining, and if the Lord would like to join them? PJ agreed, and sent his men into the barracks for some hot food and rest.
PJ managed to change into something more suitable for court, although he hadn’t had time to bathe. He was then lead into the dining room, where the smell of the fine food made his mouth water. This was his first thought. Then he surveyed the long table, and its many guests.
Indeed, it seemed as though Dante was up to something. Duke Dupin was currently digging into some roasted chicken, but PJ had already known he was there. He hadn’t, however, expected Duchess Antenora, and Prince Derik to be in attendance. General Ennui, one of the best military minds in the kingdom, currently in the service of Dante, was also attending. Strangely enough, Snicketfires, Dante’s official second-in-command, wasn’t there.
“Hello, Dante, Antenora, Dupin, Derik and Ennui.” He said casually, slipping into a chair. Although nobles didn’t have friends, the six sitting at the table could almost be called such. Almost. And since Prince Derik and Duke Dupin hated formality with a passion, PJ was able to speak casually.
They all greeted him respectfully enough. True, he was the lowest ranking in the room, except perhaps Ennui…rank within the State was difficult to compare to rank within the Army, though PJ and Ennui had long ago decided that they were pretty much of equal rank, after several heated arguments.
“Gods, I’m hungry.” Lord PJ said, before tearing into the chicken. Derik watched with some amusement as PJ ate, for he had already eaten, and was now only sipping some wine.
Prince Derik was, officially, still the Prince, that is, he was Tragedy’s right hand man, and heir to the throne. Prince Derik had, as Princess Swans already had before him, half-resigned from the job, but still kept the title for the magical boost it gave them. Princess Swans truly was retired, but she still occasionally turned up unexpectedly, stirring things up and passing judgement. Derik still occasionally did his duties, but he was also somewhat retired. PJ and Derik had been close, once, but as Derik didn’t travel often, and neither did PJ, they had drifted apart somewhat, and hadn’t seen each other in months.
Antenora was one of the most important nobles in the kingdom; she headed the Rich Quarter of Menacing Miscellaneous, and so she was a very, very rich woman, as well as very, very smart. But she was also the head of the City and the area surrounding, presiding over the economy and wellbeing of her small, albeit important realm, which meant she wasn’t just rich, but she had real power, within the Capital, at least.
And it was widely known that she and Dante were lovers. Dante, as I have mentioned before, unofficially ruled the North. He possessed the most powerful and well trained army in the entire kingdom (rivalled only by Pandora’s Reckless Residency army, and only because it was significantly larger than Dante’s), and had an enormous influence in the entire kingdom; he was also, just as Antenora was, one of the most powerful magical users in the whole of 667 Dark Avenue. Only a handful, like Tragedy, with all his vaunted power he received from the throne, or Swans, who still held all the magical power of her former position, and maybe even BSam, although he was not a noble (he had been a Duke but had resigned) were more powerful than he. That said, he still possessed an enormous amount of magical energy. It was said that BSam was the most powerful magical user in all the land, assuming one did not count the magic boosts the nobles and the royalty received.
Something was up. PJ realised this five minutes after joining dinner. He ate, and they chatted about trivial and petty things. All through dinner PJ wondered why he had been invited, and what possible significance the presence of the others had. But before he could puzzle anything out, dinner was over, and he was too tired to snoop around, so he went straight to bed.
The following morning, PJ awoke late, but refreshed, and had breakfast alone. After which he went to the practice yard for an hour, and duelled a couple of young soldiers. He won all of his bouts.
By then it was already lunchtime, and he had a quick snack in the kitchens, before wandering off to find Dante. They had barely spoken yesterday, and now PJ wished to confront him about the reason for his invitation.
As he searched through the enormous Fort – no one seemed to know where Dante was – he discovered that the other nobles were avoiding him. He could have sworn he saw Derik’s royal purple behind him as he turned a corner, but when he looked again, there was nothing. Dupin hurried off when PJ encountered him in the huge dining hall, and Ennui gave him a nod in the passageway, and, as PJ opened his mouth to say something, Ennui simply mumbled that he was busy, before stiffly walking away very quickly. It was all rather peculiar. It only reinforced the feeling that something was up.
He finally found Dante, or, rather, Dante’s voice outside a random room in the guest wing. He heard Dante’s voice and someone else’s, a feminine one, which he guessed was Antenora’s. These were her apartments, apparently. PJ, ever curious, approached the door, and listened in.
“-don’t think so. He’ll refuse.” Said Antenora, sounding rather frustrated.
“No, he’ll join. I know he will. He has a strange sense of right and wrong, but he knows what the right thing to do is.” Dante explained calmly, and PJ wondered who they were talking about. Was it him?
“Fine. When do we ask him?” Antenora said, sighing loudly.
“Tomorrow morning.”
PJ panicked as he heard footsteps, and hurriedly half-ran down the hallway, to where his own quarters were. He then turned around, and started walking back towards Antenora’s room, as though he was just leaving his rooms. Dante opened the door, and spoke in:
“It will all be all right.” Then he turned and saw PJ approaching.
“Ah, PJ!” Dante said, failing utterly to sound enthusiastic.
“Hey, Dante. Mind if I had a word?” PJ asked, and Dante almost scowled.
“Fine.” He said, and PJ led him into his apartment.
They sat down on some chairs.
“Right.” PJ said.
“What’s going on here?” Dante smiled bemused.
“You mean why I invited you?” He asked, a moment later.
“I suppose.” PJ said, fetching some drinks out from a cupboard.
“Well, for one, we haven’t spoken in some time, and I’ve always enjoyed your company-“
“Yeah, right, pull the other.” PJ said, sipping some of the drink he had produced.
“I was getting to the ulterior motive.” Dante said.
“The other reason, I’m afraid I cannot tell you, yet, but it IS important, and you’ll find out soon enough.”
“Why can’t you tell me?” PJ demanded angrily. He didn’t like being kept in the dark.
“Because I can’t.” Dante stood. PJ growled.
“Fine. Go. I’ll see you at dinner.” PJ said, downing his glass of alcohol.
That night, dinner was just the same: full of idle chit-chat, and no substance. When PJ voiced his question about why they were all here, Dante just scowled at him, and the meal continued, after a somewhat awkward pause. PJ cursed the stupid game that they were playing. It probably had something to do with being a noble.
One thing he
did discover, however, was that Snicketfires was dead. Dead! The last noble who had died was the Duchess Trish, five months ago, who had been pretty much retired when she had fallen down the stairs. But PJ couldn’t believe he hadn’t found out earlier about Snicketfires’ demise, but it simply hadn’t come up in any of the conversations before Ennui had casually mentioned it during dinner. Apparently, during a particularly nasty really cool member attack, a globule of spam had flown right up to the battlements and felled her, not three days before PJ had arrived at Sardonic Series. Spam is a dreadfully acidic substance, and, given the chance, can eat through anything at all.
Whilst the denizens of N00bannis are collectively called “n00bs” there aren’t only n00bs in those mountains. Trolls, for instance, are idiotic hulking beings, too stupid, monosyballic and violent to be allowed into 667 Dark Avenue. Spammers, too, dwell within the mountains, and it is these rare individuals who are able to produce the acidic green substance known as “Spam”. They are nowhere near as common as the n00bs, which is a good thing, as their ability to hurl spam over long distances in battle is devastating. Indeed, some of the worst really cool member uprisings have been led by particularly powerful spammers.
In fact, the Detriment Deleters didn’t
just dispense Justice in the kingdom; Tragedy had made them immune to spam, and had given them the task of hunting down the spammers and killing them. Lady Setnick, Lady Libitina and Lord PJ alone were immune to the deadly substance, and could use their powers to destroy it, if they had to.
As PJ found out from a servant after dinner, the Border was in a period of mourning, but Dante was already searching for a successor. Perhaps
this was what he had been called here for, PJ wondered. Would Dante make him his new second-in-command? Perhaps…although Ennui was probably going to get the position. That is, once Tragedy realizes that one of his nobles is dead, and deems to give the title to another. Tragedy, although founder of the kingdom (it had before been a wild, untamed land, before Tragedy had found it and turned it into the kingdom it was today), had grown lethargic and lazy in his later years, and rarely did anything besides lounge around in his Palace. Snicket’s position as Detriment Deleter had, for example, only been filled several months after his resignation.
As PJ lay awake in his bed that night, he pondered Snicketfires’ untimely death, and the reason that Dante had invited him here, and whether the two were connected. He found and explored several rather unlikely conclusions before falling asleep.