Post by Akbar Le Grey on Mar 19, 2006 2:10:28 GMT -5
Editor : Akbar Le Grey.
Columnists: PJ, Linda, une femme auteur anonyme, Skeleton Key, Char.
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Linda’s Rant.
It’s now my third rant, and as I begin it, one word is shining more clearly in my mind than any other. Procrastination. This is the third week I’ve written a rant and the third time I’ve procrastinated writing it. I remember PJ always talking about procrastinating in his rants, and I’d laugh because I always got my article written several days ahead of time. But now I’m doing the same thing! Maybe the job is cursed, or something…yeah, that’s it, it’s definitely a curse. It couldn’t possibly be the laziness of the writers.
It’s been spring break for me (although I don’t see why they call it spring break when spring doesn’t officially start until the 20th), and I’ve had a lot of time on my hands. Too much, I think I might say. No one else in my family had spring break, and so I spent most of it alone in the house, trying to think of things to do to feel productive. And probably spent way too much time on 667, waiting for people to post things. 667 is really very dead while most people are in school, and then about 2 pm (for me at least, and 9 pm GMT), everyone suddenly gets on and starts posting like crazy. It was kind of funny, actually. By the end of the week, I predicted when it would fill up again, nearly down to the exact minute. It’s going to be nice going back to school next week, strange as that may sound.
Now, what I think has been the main problem this week is the n00bs. They really haven’t been that bad compared to other weeks, but I’ve had a lot more time to observe them and be annoyed by them. There are whole sections of the forum that seem to be completely their territory. Sure, non-n00bs visit those places too, but they’re completely outnumbered. It just seems really strange to me. Like, for example, the games section. I’m not bashing it in itself. Songbird’s a great mod, and respectable 667ers post there. I even used to post there. But it’s getting overrun by annoying games and pointless posts, and general n00bishness.
Oh, and Kobolos is back. Everyone be sure to go bow down to him or something.
Well, the end of this rant draws near. Sorry about it being a bit short and not very rant-y, but my dad’s yelling at me to get off the computer. Never anger the father figure.
-Linda.
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The Subjective Flaneur
By A Member
"Watching you, so you don't have to do it yourself."
Not particularly much has been happening this week. Robert and Orphaned_Hope13 continue to bicker in every concievable situation(it's only a matter of time before somebody writes of a RobertHope13 shipping). Linda's awards show appears to be progressing well, although everyone with the power to sticky it apparently still refuses to do so. Triangle Eyes, creator of the other awards show, has frantically tried to remake hers in the manner of Linda's, with votes sent by PM rather than recorded on an unreliable polls site. Among the funnier things I've seen recently, however, are Dupin's clever "Look Around You" animations, and the abruptly cancelled wedding of some unmemorable person and jtb(whom, it seems, has indeed been ingesting/snorting/smoking large quantities of the teabag-like drugs Dupin named after him). And on a final note, I'm sure the noble and cool and recently returned Kobolos will enjoy being mentioned here.
Overall, the forum has been fairly dead. So, in lieu of my usual attempts at journalism, I present to you a list of questions which I'm sure would be frequently asked if anyone could easily ask me things.
-Are you who I think you are?
You seem to think I'm some kind of telepath. Therefore, no.
-Why do you write this column?
I think of internet forums as being rather like tropical fish tanks--one can watch them for hours, occasionally tapping at the glass or pouring in food to watch the reactions of those within. Like tropical fish, forum participants are often colorful and occasionally snap at each other, and their activities can be viewed by looking at a squarish object likely to shatter when hit with a baseball bat. However, forum participants are rather more interesting to write columns about than fish. This forum in particular is quite interesting to watch, and therefore to write about. But returning to the fishtank metaphor, I do not recommend putting fish food into your CD or floppy disk drive, unless I dislike you.
-Why do you write this column anonymously?
Like many notable authors, counterfeiters, and tropical fish fanciers, I prefer to keep a low profile, avoid getting directly involved in arguments, and create an air of mystery about myself. It's far more fun this way. Furthermore, I have it on good authority that possibly undesirable people want to stalk me. Said stalkers should know that I have acquired their shoe sizes, phone numbers, and favorite ice-cream parlors, and will use this information as I see fit.
-What do you look like?
I have hair similar in color to an animal's fur, or possibly a bird's feathers, and eyes roughly the hue of semiprecious stones. It is vitally important not to confuse these descriptions of color, lest perfectly innocent bystanders be wrongly accused of things. However, perfectly guilty bystanders might be accused of things too, so perhaps that's perfectly fine.
-How long have you been at this forum?
A long time...I've been looking at this site for perhaps over two years now. But I've become more of a serious lurker in the past few months. I have also spent some hours studying the back pages of the Archives, in hopes of gaining a feel for some of 667's history. It seems that while empires rise and fall and monarchs are overthrown and great civilizations decay, petty but interesting flamewars happen in all ages. I'm sure that in ancient Rome, people squabbled all day at the forum(they did have forums in ancient Rome, look it up) over such things as musical taste, imagined insults, real insults, whether female undergarments are an acceptable topic of discussion, and whatever the ancient Roman equivalent of really cool member-bashing was.
-Do you dislike me?
Admittedly, there are some people in the world whom I think need to be soundly clobbered with croquet mallets, cut up into small pieces, and fed to waterfowl, or who at least deserve to be paddled and sent to bed without their suppers. However, the world's ever-growing population far outnumbers the number of those people, and therefore the odds dictate that I, gentle reader, do not hate you.
-Why are there red stains all over your clothes, and why are you carrying a croquet mallet?
Clearly you've never heard of the International Bi-Annual Croquet-and-Fingerpainting Derby. I am an avid longtime competitor. That's why, really.
-Really, who are you?
I am a member of this forum. You may choose to believe that I am in fact your Computers teacher who got curious about what web sites you've been looking at when you should have been working, a currently active member impersonating a lurker, a member mocking the writing style and behavior of the 667 "pseudo-intellectuals", an active and vocal member expressing opinions entirely contrary to the ones they hold as an exercise in creativity, a HarperCollins employee doing field research, your alternate personality who takes over in times of moral indecision or agonizing boredom, the latest in artificial intelligence programming, or any combination of the above. I am not saying that any of the above statements are true, just that you might believe them, and you have every right to do so.
-Wouldn't it be hilarious if you turned out to be some random newbie who has about five posts which consist mainly of emoticons and chatspeak, whom few members have ever heard of and those who have look upon with mild disdain?
Yes.
- Une femme auteur anonyme.
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Willkomen! To the Life of Char[/size]
An Introspective Look Into the Life of Your (Above) Average American Teenager
by Charlotte
NEW JERSEY, March 18--- Recently I found myself discussing with Akbar the joy that is wallowing. I know you aren’t supposed to enjoy it, but why not? Ice cream, self-pity, lying around and doing nothing; I have to say that I’m an extremely self-centered person. But that just means that I have a good self worth. I think. I’ve come to the conclusion that I spend most of my life wallowing, not because I’m sad, but because I suffer from egotism. It’s like an addiction, and wallowing is my only means to feed it.
I forget the point of this article. I guess it’s just to talk about myself. How refreshing. You know what’s not refreshing? The autocorrect function of Microsoft Word! It’s confusing me. I make a mistake, and as I go back to correct it Word corrects it for me, and ultimately it goes haywire because of my need to correct my mistakes. STUPID AUTOCRRECT! GET OFF MY COMPUTER; YOU’RE PISSING ME OFF!
Au revoir, les enfants! (Five bucks to whoever gets the reference.)
-Char.
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Interview Of The Week.[/u]
Member Interview of the Week
PJ’s Interview - Linda
PJ: Hello, Linda. How are you today? Actually, I don't care. Tell us about your personality. Be honest.
…
*waits*
*for all eternity*
Linda:*quit being impatient*
PJ: Grr.
Linda: Grr yourself.
PJ: Answer the question, please.
Linda: I am. I keep having to cut the response out of the box to respond to your impatience.
PJ:<<sigh>>
You've been the interviewer-person for so long, you'd think you'd co-operate when it's your turn...
Linda: If it was anyone but you, I probably would. And I mean that in the best possible way.
PJ: D:
We can discuss our stormy relationship elsewhere.
Linda: Ok, fine. I'll cooperate
I'm pretty quiet by nature, though not so much online. I like to have things nice and orderly, and can't stand it when they're not.
PJ: Are you vicious? Kind? Cold and logical? From what I've seen, you're a scary, evil, evil young woman.
Linda: Scary and evil, huh?
PJ: EVIL.
Sigh. You're spamming up this interview. Just ignore my snide comments about your evil, evil nature, and answer the questions.
Linda: That's what editing is for.
Most of the time, I'm very nice, actually. I only tease people or treat them less than kindly when I know them pretty well and know they won't take it personally.
PJ: Oh. Ok. Since you were the last interviewer, how do you think I'm doing? How do you think you're doing as the Ranter, too?
Linda: I think you're doing a great job. And the Rant is extremely fun to do. I'm not sure if I'm doing it well as you, PJ, but I'm sure liking it.
PJ: Yeah. The Rant is turning into a fount of news, with a bit of criticism thrown in, but I was doing that ages before anyways.
So. Do you like 667? Is it important? Do you have more friends here in that in real life? Do you even have friends?
Linda: Yeah, 667's pretty important to me. If I didn't like it, I probably wouldn't come here.
PJ: You know what I mean.
Linda: As for friends... I have a couple friends in real life, but most of them are online friends. Actually, my best friend doesn't come to 667, and I have several non-667 online friends, but the majority of my friends are 667 friends.
PJ: So is it just a forum, or is it something...more? A fount for all of your creativity, and argumentative skills? Or something?
Linda: Er, I don't know. 667 is really unique, unlike other forums I've been to. I think of it as a little community, or safe haven, or something like that.
PJ: Ah, excellent. Well, as you've cluttered up the interview by arguing over every little thing I say, and as my TV show is coming on soon, I guess we'd better quit while we're ahead.
Any last words?
Linda: What, are you going to kill me?
PJ: What, wherever did you get that idea?
And answer the question.
Linda: Hmm, I wonder?
Ok, fine.
Wait, actually I can't think of anything to say
Sorry, I
PJ: Died of a heart attack suddenly?
Linda: am not being very helpful, am I?
PJ: Oh. Not really, no. But the reader's will lap it all up. They're not very bright. Oh, wait, is the mike still on?
- INTERVIEW END -
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Things You Ought To Know Lest You Evaporate
By our aSoUe Correspondent, Gretchen.
Gretchen's Horror-Scopes
Aries
Your horoscope is the same as Pisces.
Taurus
Expect to run into a non-moving train and get mortally wounded in your sacroiliac.
Gemini
Keep your friends close and your evil twin closer. You may have to work together to escape from a bottomless pit today.
Cancer
Don't eat homeomade food. A salt spill may result in a swolen tongue for you.
Leo
Stay away from Scorpios, lest a baby one get tangled in your hair.
Virgo
Don't go to any concerts. The amplifiers may malfunction and implode your brain.
Libra
Is that a man holding a hammer behind you?
Scorpio
Don't make yourself a peanut butter sandwich. You may choke on it.
Sagittarius
Stay away from croquet mallets. Just do, okay?
Capricorn
Don't make tea, lest you be bdeafened by the whistle of the kettle.
Aquarius
Put this horoscope down right now. You'll get a paper cut.
Pisces
Your horoscope is the same as Aries.
-Skeleton Key.
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