Post by Akbar Le Grey on Apr 9, 2006 3:05:04 GMT -5
Editor: Akbar Le Grey.
Columnists: Linda, George, une femme auteur anonyme, Jemima, Skeleton Key, Lauren.
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Dupin’s Rant.
Hello; I am now the third writer of the 667er Rant, and I can only hope that I keep up to the standards to PJ and Linda. I certainly feel angry and grumpy towards a lot of things at the moment, so lets just see how it goes…
The first thing that annoys me, however hackneyed and old it seems, is n00bs. They seem to be everywhere these days, whether it’s OH13 whining about how everyone hates her, to another pathetic idea for a competition from Edwin, 667 has suddenly been hit by a wall of n00bs in the way that a truck will go into a wall if it is moving quickly into the direction of one.
I mean, the “Big Daddy” really cool member at the moment is obviously OH_13; she’s not made a post in the past two weeks that hasn’t a) been complaining about how she’s our punchbag/target/enemy/|”Big Daddy” really cool member and b) Excluding herself by doing this. It is annoying, it is frustrating, and no matter how much it’s true, I think almost all of us would like her to stop (and those who don’t want her to stop is so they can laugh and/or throw rocks at her for their own personal amusement). Maybe all the n00bs are starting an army or something…reminder to Tragedy to make sure he opens the armoury for the rest of us.
The other thing that is annoying me (or one of them anyway) is that 667X: Battle Of The Star-signs game in GG. Apart from there being some random ‘X’ in the title, it is being shoddily run. It is a game where we allegedly find out which star sign is the cleverest once and for all. This, for one thing, doesn’t seem quite right, when you have members like Jemima and Deanna on one team, and some really cool member called SmegHed and OH_13 on the other. The next stupid thing about it is that there are two people on one team, and one on the other. The third is that Edwin tried to start it off when there were several Star-Signs without anyone representing them. The next-and the biggest-problem is that it is very very obvious that Edwin has no way at all to stop people looking up the answers on the internet. He says he won’t tell me how he’s stopping it ‘because I’ll copy it’, but I think we all know the truth behind it (COUGH he can’t stop it COUGH).
It also sucks that Robert’s banned, and when he made a point that he was angry and sad and depressed, people thought it’d be wise to start arguing with him. I understand why Songbird did it (although maybe she should have realized it wasn’t the best time), but everyone else should have kept their mouths shut unless they had nice words for everyone else; it was obvious he was pretty sad about something, so don’t start having a go at him, mmkay?
Another thing to rant about is that Jemima never gets any problems, but she’s been ranting about it enough (I didn’t mean that in an insulting way). I sent her one anyway.
Is this long for a rant? Am I supposed to write more? Uh…Oh! Got it! Me and Linda were thinking about a theme week, and she wanted Dilbert, and I wanted Fosters Home (I’ve never seen Dilbert (and the comics weren’t funny) and she’s never seen Fosters home), so after enlightening each other on the story and characters of each others chosen themes, we decided to do both, and then asked a random online member to reply, and Skeleton Key chose Dilbert, so you should all…I don’t know, spit on her or give her splinters….or something. You should join in, and you should also join in next week for the Foster’s theme next week.
That’s enough for this weeks rant, so join me again next week! Buzzah!
-George Dupin.
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Well, I should have expected that someone would write a Britney Spears/Zombie Richard Nixon fic. Someone did. It's short, and decent enough, and hasn't generated any visible controversy yet. I'm rather out of story ideas at the moment, though, so I recommend that writers looking for inspiration turn to more traditional means such as opium, random generators, or eavesdropping.
Also, I should note that people claiming to know my identity are probably wrong. Unless someone who does know has alerted them to my identity, or I have made it all too obvious someplace and rumor has spread, yet they prefer to keep it secret by blaming these columns on someone else... who might also possibly be in on the secret! I suppose I should get myself a tinfoil hat to keep people from reading my mind on this matter.
As I understand has happened before, someone(namely Triangle Eyes, who is reliably annoying but nonetheless displays a certain talent for insipid advertising) made a Wikipedia article about the forum. Another person, variously known as Edwin, 1fanBaudelaire, Esquivalience, and "dimwitted little brat", used it as a soapbox from which to flame Dupin(adding a sort of disclaimer to a statement that most of the members were good). Some others used it to flame Orphaned Hope. Others added things unsuitable for mixed company, but possibly suitable for a high-school health class textbook. Others added stuff about gag accounts, perhaps with a hint of gloating. Wikipedia tagged it for deletion. 667ers untagged it, and Wikipedia put the tag back on. And so forth. Then the article was deleted.
Then the squabbling continued, on another Wiki-thing on a different site .This new site apparently has an ever-changing list of annoying members--often modified by Edwinvalence or whatever--and several articles on the legendary battles of the lightsaber spoons (surely the highlight of any forum-based wiki). And the page about the 667er mentions me; seems I "give off spurts of news and opinions and prompt Tragedy to take action when he is slacking". I'm not sure if I give off spurts; that sounds unpleasant. However, I quite appreciate this description of my work. Tragedy, go unsticky those old CCreativity threads, post the Member of the Month, and clean your room!
Orphaned Hope13(or DarkSpiral, now) has been showing some rather masochistic tendencies after an absence of a few days. She makes a consistent effort to introduce the entire forum's hatred of her into the conversation, no matter what the subject. Words to the effect of "I guess you all hate me" seem to become a self-fulfilling prophecy. It seems the rather taciturn Disturbing Discussion moderator is trying to deal with her, as OH13 is now teetering on the edge of banning, with two strikes, about five warnings, and perhaps half a dozen stern reprimands on her record. One more instance of random flaming from her may be her undoing(assuming the mods are actually paying attention.) Banning might do her good, even--her several-days absences from the forum clearly aren't helping her get over things.
- Une femme auteur anonyme.
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Interview Of The Week.[/u]
Linda: The new and improved Weekly Interview! This week, we have Alice here. First off, what's your name? Is it really Alice, and if it's not, why'd you pick Alice as a username?
Alice: My real name is Betheny Adair Rogers. "Alice" at the time seemed prim and lovely, in direct contradiction with whom I was. You see, I started out with the username BlackCherry667, but I sensed that people didn't like me, so deleted that account. Then, the golden age of username AliceRose. I was going to be the anti-really cool member, though, looking back, that account was perhaps more really cool member-esque than BlackCherry. Queenanne was my lurker account. I used it to alter votes in polls. Then, the first "hacking" of 667 occurred, Tragedy commissioned me to be part of the joke, so I deleted AliceRose and Queenanne was a prime suspect. In the end, I have a total of three accounts.
Linda: Where are you from?
Alice: I'm from a small town in Quinlan, TX.
Linda: What sorts of things do you like to do outside of 667?
I like writing quite a lot. And, eating which is a habit that must be stopped if I want to swim this summer. Reading, of course.
Linda: Is 667 an important part of your life, or just something you visit occasionally?
Alice: 667 is an enormous part of my life. I can hardly stop thinking about you people. I adore this website and would do anything for anyone on it.
Linda: And if you had to describe yourself, how would you do it?
Alice: Myself? Possibly deranged, emotional, miserable, well-meaning, unstable and a liar. It's not my fault though.
...*le sigh* Yes it is.
Linda: Now, onto 667, I guess. How long have you been a member for?
Do you think 667 is better or worse than it used to be?
Alice: I've been a member since May of 2004. I think 667 is a bit worse than before, but it's just the fact I can't spend much time online. I miss a few older members terribly, Madam Luna, Soy Sauce, and the like. But, people always come back. And, even if they never do I get the feeling that I'll see them somewhere again.
Linda: And what is your opinion on e-marriages?
Alice:E-Marriages are more of a friendship thing than actual love. Not to mention the O-R-G-I-E-S are more fun when you're married to the people first.
Linda: Are there any random facts you’d like to shar? Things you’re dying to tell 667? Your favorite color, perhaps?
Alice: Well, my favorite color is blue, I wish I had red hair, I hate my parents, my favorite television show is The Drew Carey Show, the person I want to be married to is Jon Stewart, Bill Maher is stored in a chest underneath my bed, I've only skipped school once, and I'm writing a screenplay of The Basic Eight.
Linda: Well, thanks, Alice. Goodbye everyone.
-Linda.
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Things You Ought To Know Lest You Evaporate
This week's article is on the dangers of banner-making. Let's have a look at our forum's banner:
In red: Violet hitting her nose on the waiter's tray.
In purple: Someone's shoe kicking an In Boutique bag.
In green: What looks like a fat lady's legs is actually two people wearing puffy shirts and high heels on their hands playing catch with a doily.
In yellow: Someone's hand being stabbed with a fire poker.
In pink: Part of our logo being impaled and possibly disemboweled on a fire poker.
As we can see, merging images together to make a banner is extremely dangerous.
In order to help you further understand the level of danger involved, I infiltrated a studio in order to interview the victims of this incident. The transcript is below.
Violet: You really didn't have to infiltrate a television studio if this is for a newspaper.
Me: What's done is done. One question: Your nose is completely bandaged, but you don't sound nasal or congested at all.
Violet: I speak through my chest. *nodnod*
Me: So, Violet, would you mind recounting your experience with the banister and waiter tray and such?
Violet: Of course not. My siblings and I were sliding down the banister, and there happened to be a salmon waiter-
Salmon Waiter: I have a name, you know.
Violet: We know you have a name. Anyway, there happened to be a salmon waiter at the bottom holding up an empty tray for no reason known to man, and I hit my nose on it. Normally, this wouldn't be a serious injury, but at the speed I was sliding...Well, you know. *snrrrrrrrrrrrrk*
Me: Of course.
Violet: *looks at my note pad* I'd rather you didn't include the sound effects.
Me: What's done is done. Please continue your story.
Violet: Luckily, Klaus and Sunny were able to plaster and cauterize my nose, and I was able to hang in there until we found a doctor.
Me: Cauterize? With the fire pokers?
Violet: Heavens no! That would be unsanitary! We heated Sunny's teeth over a fire.
Me: Oh, of course. How silly of me. Now, let's move on to the accident circled in purple. Luckily, no one was injured since that was only a bag.
Esme: I beg to differ! I happened to be in that bag.
Me: And you were in the bag, why...?
Esme: Explanations are out. Of course, I didn't expect a brainless corpse like you to know that.
Me: I resent that. And how did you happen to break every bone in your body?
Esme: Explanations are out.
Me: It's not an explanation, it's an enlightenment. Of course, I didn't expect a fashion slave like you to know that.
Esme: Of course I knew that! *defensive* If you must know, the actual bandage is on the small of my back, and the rest is toilet paper, because that's what's in.
Me: Oh. And would you please enlighten me on how you happened to be in the bag at the time of the kicking?
Esme: I slipped in the puddle of guts that came from the 667 logo's disembowelment. But I didn't mind, since slipping was in at the time.
Me: I'm sure. Let's turn to the accident circled in green. What looks like a harmless game of doily catch is really a tragedy most horrid. The doily was frozen in mid air with liquid nitrogen, making it razor sharp, and it sliced the neck of the salmon waiter.
Salmon waiter: I have a name you, know. It's-
Me: And now the accident circled in yellow. As we can see, a fire poker is stabbing this person in the hand. If only we could locate this person, I could-
Jerome: *meekly* That was my hand...
Violet: *looks at Jerome's hand* Ew, it sure was.
Jerome: Yes, well, I didn't have time to bandage it.
Me: That's fine. Now, would you mint telling us of your experience?
Jerome: Well, I was being trampled, and I had learned in school that the best thing to do when you're being trampled is to flail your arms about. But then a tangle of fire pokers flew though the air and one of them came loose, stabbing my hand. After going through my hand, it hit one of the people playing doily catch in the head.
Isadora: That would be me.
Me: And so concludes our interview. I’m not even going to go into the disembowelment of the 667 logo...
Duncan: Who knew that a group of numbers had so many innards and entrail.
Me: Oh, and one more thing. Are you going to sue?
Violet, Isadora, and Jerome: Of course not.
Esme and Salmon Waiter: Of course.
Salmon Waiter: *looks at my notepad* I have a name, and it’s-
Quigley: Violet, you look so sexy with your nose plastered...*growls*
Violet: *giggles* Oh, Quigley!
Me: *nervous laugh* Ooooooookay, end of interview! Now!
-Gretchen.
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Jemima's Unadvice Column.
Dear Jemima,
The Subjective Flaneur won't marry me! I'm partially heartbroken. What should I do?
-Deanna.
Dear Deanna,
I don't know who the Subjective Flaneur is. If I did, I might be able to make some mind trap that would work on them, and then he would marry you. Or she, if you're trying to marry a girl. But you probably shouldn't, because gay marriages don't really work out.
Anyways, flatter them with useless PMs/useless AIM/MSN conversations. And pancakes. Everyone likes pancakes!
Signed,
Jemmy
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Dear Jemima,
A neighbour of mine gave birth without even knowing she was pregnant (true story). What advice would you give her with her new baby?
From Dupin
Dear Dupin:
Tell her she should name the baby "Mystery" due to the mystery behind the man who did it.
Also, tell her to lie to the baby when it's grown and say the father died in a spaceship disaster. That will make the baby feel special.
And give her a nurturing cat. Cats make everything better unless they stratch you.
Sincerely,
Jemima
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PLEASE send your problems to Jemima! (Jemmy's note: Thank you to all who sent me problems this week!)
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This week on Jemima's How To!:
How To Throw Pottery!
Step 1: Go to an art camp/art museum
Step 2: Get personal access to the prized art
Step 3: Take the sculptures and pottery in your hand
Step 4: Throw it at unknowing civilians!
Step 5: Run!
-Jemima.
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CARTOON OF THE WEEK[/u]
-Lauren.
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